by Xana Jordan
“You ready for bed?” Cade asks upon reaching me, sitting in the same spot on the couch. Noel lifts Xana from his lap, carrying her into his room, when I take his proffered hands, letting him pull me from the couch.
“Bed sounds heavenly. Sitting in this position for this long has killed my neck.” He leads me to follow him down the hall to his own room and bathroom.
Climbing into bed after changing into a pair of pajamas I keep there, I snuggle into his warm side, my tired head next to his. “I’ve missed you being here this week.” He kisses my temples, his fingers running along my bare arm as it lies across his chest.
“Me, too. I’m so tired, this week has been…hectic,” I say, trying to avoid telling him anything to alert him to just how bad it’s really been. I don’t want to talk about that subject right now.
“Well, your first class isn’t until nine in the morning, so just relax and get some rest.” He looks down at me to kiss my lips. “You can sleep, now.”
Praying he’s right, I hug him to my chest, kissing his chin. “Just us,” I whisper before drifting off to sleep.
He’s sitting on the couch in his black and red robe with a glass in his hand. I can smell what he is drinking and I know it’s the stuff he always brings home in a brown paper bag. “Come sit by me, baby doll,” he pats the seat next to him and I can’t seem to move my feet. I need to go to my room but he is in the way.
“It’s alright, pretty girl. Sit with Daddy.” Slowly, I make my way across the living room and sit on the couch with him, but not very close. “There’s Daddy’s girl,” he smiles and I inhale the sour scent of the alcohol as his breath hits my face.
I want to throw up in the toilet, but I can’t move from my seat with his hand holding my legs in place. He begins rubbing along the top of them and I can feel myself start to shake. I’m scared but I can’t do or say anything even though inside I’m screaming for him to stop, to leave me alone. I want my Mommy but she’s never here. I need my Granny, but I don’t know how to use the phone to call her.
“Stop. Please don’t. I don’t want to do that. Mommy!” My body starts to shake harder, when from a distance, I hear someone saying my name.
“Stacy.”
Someone has picked me up and sat me in their lap. It must be Daddy because we are all alone. I have to fight him.
“Let me go! Daddy, let me go!” I swing my arms at him, but he catches them, doesn’t let go.
“Stacy! Babe, wake up! It’s just a dream,” the voice tells me. It doesn’t sound like Daddy’s voice, but could it be?
“Let me go,” I protest once more, only this time I can barely move my arms. I’m so tired and I just want to get away.
The person speaking to me enfolds me in his arms to rock me back and forth, rubbing my back while doing so. He continues talking to me, his deep, soothing voice reassuring me I’m safe because he’s here with me. The warm, body-tingling voice tells me to open my beautiful eyes and look at him, to give him the smile he loves so much.
This man who is so gentle with me now, makes me feel so safe, chases my fears away with his mere words. For some reason, I want to make him happy. I want to see him with my own eyes, so I do just that. Opening my eyes to look at my vigilant protector, I see Cade staring at me with worry, possibly fear, on his face.
“Cade?”
“It’s me baby. You were having a really bad dream.” He pauses to look me over a bit. “Are you alright? You scared me.”
Instantly, I’m taken back to my dreams of my father, knowing I can’t tell Cade what they were about. I’m so scared, shocked, angry, and ashamed, that I do what I do best.
“I’m fine. It was just a dream.” I smile back at him with the cheeriest expression I can muster. “No more eating a lot of junk food before bed for me,” I joke, sliding off his lap, but he doesn’t let me move far away from him. “Giant, man-eating baked goods aren’t that good to have in dreams.” I go to move toward my side of the bed, but he stops me by angling my body back to face his. Man, is he angry.
“That’s not what you were dreaming about,” he accuses, never looking at anything but my eyes. “You were scared shitless, and cannibal twinkies would never frighten you like that.”
“You’re being silly. I really was dreaming about those. You try running from a monster-sized one of those and see how you handle it,” I tease, making light of the situation so I can tear myself away from the bed, as well as his iron-like grip.
“Bullshit!” He shouts, and before I know it, he is standing in front of me holding onto my shoulders. “Tell me what it was about - what scared you so badly - and quit lying to me.” He stops my attempt to walk away from him and it pisses me off that he won’t let this whole thing drop. I can’t handle his interrogation while I’m still reeling from the new memories I just experienced. I have to leave before I break. “I love you, Stace. Let me help you.” The desperation and anguish makes me snap.
“Just stop it!” I yell and break away when he loosens his grip. “There’s nothing wrong. It was a stupid dream, and nothing else.” I grab my clothes from the day before and start to get dressed. “Why are you making this out to be something it’s not? I don’t need your help with stupid dreams, Cade Matthews, so find someone who does and leave me the hell alone!” Slamming his door, I storm my way out of the house, not giving a damn how loud I am, and hastily drive back to our dorm. Nothing but a good run or staying with Cade is going to help shake away these nightmarish memories, and since both of those are out of the question, I’m completely screwed.
The slam of not only my bedroom door, but the front one, pisses me off, more than I ever have been in my life. Not knowing what to do, I slam my fist into my headboard and fall to the floor, my back and head resting on the edge of my bed. I wanted nothing more to go after her, but I’ve learned well enough by now, that chasing is a good idea when she gets closed off like this.
My thoughts are running faster than I can comprehend them all, so I focus on her dream, what she cried out in her sleep. Stop! Please don’t! Let me go, Daddy!
“Fuck!” I throw my alarm clock as hard as I can against the wall, just as I hear a knock on the door.
“Cade?” Xana’s voice filters through the door just before she cracks it open, worry clouding her sleepy face.
“Come in,” I say quietly, closing my eyes to control my anger at the epiphany I just had.
She sits on the bed by my head and places her hand on my shoulder, which I readily cover with my own. We sit in silence for a long time before I speak, “How long has she been having these nightmares, the bad ones?”
She releases a deep sigh, and I open my eyes to find Noel standing in the doorway, side propped against the door frame, the same concern on his face. “They started last year while we were at school. She never could remember them at first. After we were attacked, they got a little more frequent, but she didn’t seem too bothered by them, so I just let it go.” Her voice is so soft I can barely hear her, but we know that she blames herself for ignoring it, even though she has nothing to feel guilty about. Taking a deep breath, she continues.
“This week has been bad. The things she’s said while she’s asleep,” she pauses to hug her middle, tears forming in her eyes. “Some of them were just so awful, I’m not sure how she slept at all.”
“Her dad, right?” I ask, praying against hope that I’m wrong. Her head jerks in my direction, and I know I’m right. Her dad touched her, did things to her, I don’t even want to imagine.
Jerking myself up from the floor in anger to pace back and forth between them, I yell, “Fuck!” Pulling at my hair, I yell again and, stopping in front of Xana, I fall to the floor no longer able to stand. Holding onto her waist as she sits on my bed, I let everything go as I think about the horrors my beautiful spitfire has had to endure.
Details begin clicking together like puzzle pieces, clues to a mystery. Her reaction to her father’s funeral appearance. Her nightmares after being attacked. The way
she fought being with me when we first started dating. The stand offish behavior she could never explain. All of it now makes sense.
Xana is hugging me so close I can feel her tears in my hair as Noel sits beside us. “What happened, Cade? Why did she leave like that?”
Falling back onto my heels, I look at my two best friends, my family, and thank God I have them in my life. “She was flailing around, hitting me in her sleep. Scared the shit out of me until I realized she was dreaming.” Remembering the terrified look on her face breaks another piece of my heart, so that I almost choke on my next words. “Then she started crying for her...” I swallow back tears, “daddy to stop. That she didn’t want to do whatever he was attempting to do. She was begging for him to let her go.”
Stacy’s pleas resonate in my brain, it’s all I can hear. Noel grabs my shoulder, squeezing it firmly in support, as I desperately try to calm my emotions enough to continue. Xana slides down to the floor with me and I lean into her, accepting the comfort she gives.
“I finally got her awake and she just pretended like nothing happened. Flat out lied to me and said it was a dream about some giant twinkie! A twinkie!” I near shout, angered all over again. “Told her I called bullshit and demanded she stop lying to me. To let me help her,” I admit, devastated that she shut me out.
“Then she threw that damn wall back up, ten times stronger, and stormed away from you,” Xana concludes, resting her head on mine. “Like she always does.”
“Want do I do, Xan? She won’t even talk to me about it. I know I can’t take away her pain, not even for a moment, but I can at least listen, comfort her. I love her, dammit!”
“Do you want us to go check on her?” Noel offers. Shit, I can’t believe I just let her leave by herself. Who am I kidding? I didn’t let her do anything. Thankfully, the college has Orion evaluating their security while they’re here, so more of their team members are out and about doing that, making it safer for her to be out this late by herself.
“I don’t know, man. Wouldn’t it just make things worse?” I honestly don’t know what to do right now. The last thing I need to do is piss her off even more.
“Let me try texting her. At least we’ll know where she is.” She leaves my side to get her phone while I resume my position of sitting back against the bed like before.
“Do you think she really remembers everything or is she just starting to get it all back?” He’s trying to soften the blow of her reaction, and I appreciate it, but it doesn’t really matter. She’d react the same, either way.
“I don’t know, but she should know by now she can tell me these things, that there’s nothing I won’t help her work through.” I’m more determined than ever to get her through these horrible memories.
“I’m sure she knows that, but I don’t imagine she’s thinking rationally right now, if we’re right about what’s behind her dreams.”
“Shit, that’s why she freaked out at the safety demo. She wasn’t just remembering the attack at the library like she told us. It triggered memories of what her dad did to her.” Memories of seeing her panic attack on video was a shock to see, what little of it there was before she was carried off backstage by one of the Security Team members. One of our friends was at the safety class and decided to film the instructors so she could watch it later to practice with. Everything since then is starting to make more sense. Her avoidance of my touch, being busy with studying, all of it, was because of what happened.
Noel’s face hardens in anger before muttering, “Shit.” At that moment, Xana walks back into the room with her phone.
“She’s back in the dorms.” She looks at me, tears in her eyes. “I didn’t ask questions. Just told her we heard her leave and wanted to be sure she was safe.”
Noel squeezes my shoulder again as she sits in my lap, wrapping her arms around my shoulders to bury her head in my neck. I feel her tears falling on my skin and closing my eyes, I hold her tight to comfort us both. I can feel my best friend, my brother by choice, watching both of us as we come to terms with what we’ve learned.
“He can’t come near her again, Cade. He can’t. We have to make sure she’s protected. She can’t be hurt anymore. Promise me. Promise me she’ll be okay, that you’ll keep her safe.” Her words falter at the end, and I squeeze her tightly in assurance, one hand holding her head securely against me. She is just as devastated about this as I am. They’ve been more like sisters than friends for most of their lives.
Looking over her to Noel, a silent understanding passes between us, confirming he’s just as convicted to keep her safe as I am, and that he has me covered if I need his help in doing so. So much is spoken with just a simple nod of the head.
“Sshh. I’m not going anywhere. None of us are.” Pulling her head up to face me, I examine her tear-streaked cheeks. “We’re her family and she’s ours. She’ll make it out of this because we aren’t going to let her fall. Okay?”
“Promise.” Noel vows, just as serious as I am. He reaches out to her and pulls her into his embrace, his need to comfort her finally taking over. “You gonna be okay?” He turns to glance in my direction.
Giving him that ‘would you’ look, I nod toward Xana. “You and X-Cube can go. She looks like Medusa and needs her beauty sleep,” I tease using the nickname she made for herself last semester. She giggles quietly through her tears as he stands to carry her back to bed. He pauses in the doorway, looking over his shoulder.
“Don’t hesitate if you need me.” Noel walks away immediately, leaving me in the same desolate position on the floor.
Things with Stacy are never completely easy, but I can’t let her push me away. I have to show her just how much she means to me with my actions from here now on. It’s difficult trying to work out how to approach her on these matters, but I must make her see she can’t keep bottling everything inside. Words aren’t going to get through to her in this state of mind, so I’ll just adjust my plan to give her what she needs. My constant, total devotion.
Full of renewed hope and determination, I climb back into bed in order to try to get a few more hours of sleep so that, come morning, I can show my girl that not only does she own me completely, but that she doesn’t have to be afraid to entrust me with every part of herself in the process.
Sending her a final text message before trying to sleep, having faith that when things for her die down, I’ll come out on the other side of happy with my girl, complete and whole.
ME: Goodnight, Scarlett. xo
Having that fight with Stacy last night, made me too restless to sleep very well, so I ended up watching television most of the night, thoughts of her remaining on my mind.
“Talk to her this morning?” Noel asks as we enter the English building for the last of our afternoon classes.
“Nope. Nothing. Radio silence, as Dad always says.” He shakes his head, opening the door for me and following me inside.
“That could be a good thing, right?”
“Who the hell knows. Sometimes I just have to let it play out.” I must sound frustrated, because he pats me on the back, giving me a sad smile in consolation. He’s just as lost as I am.
Arriving at our class a few minutes earlier than normal, we take our seats and check to make sure our phones are silent before class starts. Attempting to offer one last olive branch for the day, I text her again.
ME: Classes treating you well today? I missed you at breakfast.
Waiting until the very last minute to turn off the ringer, I never receive any sort of response from her. She must be well and thoroughly pissed, so I focus as much as possible on the lecture - which isn’t entirely easy - giving her more time to calm down.
Noel and I make it through the rest of class - taking way too many notes while acquiring a paper to write in the process - time dragging by too slowly for my liking. “Wanna head to the Student Union and hang for a while before dinner?” Noel inquires as we make our way out of the lecture hall.
“Fine with m
e. I don’t have anything else to do.” Nodding, we walk with some of our friends we meet in the hall on our way out of the building.
“No response yet?” he questions as we find a seat in the lounge area of the Student Union.
“Of course not, but I didn’t expect otherwise, not really.”
“Yeah, she’s avoided Xan so far today, too.” That really doesn’t surprise me, either, unfortunately.
We settle in, talking with a lot of our friends as they pass through, passing the time quicker than expected. Everyone seems excited about the upcoming football season that’s just started, as well as the next baseball one. We played so well last year, we’ve gained a lot of attention for the team this year. That feels amazing, people loving something that you means so much to you, exhilarates you.
Once the Union begins to become less populated, Noel and I, along with Gavin and Dillon - both of whom we ran across while hanging out - make our way to the dining hall to meet the girls. Well, at least they’re all supposed to be there.
“Hey, babe,” I tell my girl when she shows up at the dining hall with Mallory and Xana. Xana doesn’t look entirely pleased with her, and I’m instantly on alert.
“Hey,” she says halfheartedly, barely acknowledging my presence as she sits down at our table. I expected as much.
“Classes go alright?” I ask again, knowing she won’t give me straight answer - her walls still up from our argument - but I engage her anyway.
“Classy,” she shoots back, paying more attention to her food than me or our friends sitting at the table with us.
Leaving our interaction at that, we join in the conversations going around the table, mostly listening to the others speak, only chiming in on occasion. Funny how we both react the same way.
“I’m gonna head out. Gonna get some study time in,” she announces, more to the group instead of me, then gives me half a smile and leaves the table.
Fortunately, Xana, Noel and I are the only ones who really notice her odd behavior. The worry on Xan’s face as she watches her best friend leave the cafeteria upsets me. “She hasn’t really talked to me since last night,” she sighs softly from my left, Noel on her other side. I wrap an arm around her shoulders in a comforting hug.
