by Nicole Smith
“You gave everyone quite a scare,” he said, jumping on my bed.
“I didn’t want to scare anyone,” I sighed.
“Did you really want to die? You know, there are other things you can do to make this life more bearable. I can think of a few things to help you cope,” he said grinning at me.
“It’s hard to explain Justin. I just didn’t want to go on living without someone that’s very close to me,” I said.
“Did someone die?” he asked.
“Yes,” I replied, not wanting to tell Justin much more about it.
“Oh, I’m truly sorry Nat. I didn’t realize, I just thought you didn’t like this place much or something,” he said apologetically.
“Well there’s that too,” I said smiling up at him. It still hurt to talk too much, my throat felt like it was sandpapered.
“I hope you don’t mind, but Hayden kept calling me, looking for you. He had been out to your house and said it was empty. He was worried, so I told him you’re in here. He wants to come see you,” Justin explained. I was reminded of my dream. I was still unsure as to what it meant, if anything.
“I guess that’s okay,” I told him. I just wished I knew where Adam was. When I get out of here maybe Justin or Hayden will drive me back to my old house so I can try and look for him. My mother came to the door then. Justin jumped up and kissed my cheek.
“I gotta run. I’ll see you later Natalie, chin up and all that!” he smiled as he left, nodding at my mother.
“He seems nice,” she said smiling.
“That’s Justin. You met him once before, when he brought me to that party, remember? He is pretty nice,” I said.
“So I talked to your doctors. They said that if I provide proper supervision and you attend regular appointments with a psychiatrist they’ll release you in the next couple of days,” she informed me.
“What do you mean by proper supervision?” I asked. No one was going to keep me trapped.
“Well when you come home, you’ll be home schooled. I’ll have to monitor where you go and who you are friends with,” she said, sounding like she was repeating everything the doctors had told her.
“Do you really think you can do that?” I replied, trying not to sound too smug. She just looked at me and smiled, knowing she couldn’t.
“Are you upset with me Natalie?” she asked, looking down. I grabbed her hand.
“Mother, all of this has nothing to do with you. I’m searching for someone I thought I could find in death and unfortunately it didn’t work as planned. Modern medicine wins again,” I said smiling.
“It’s nothing to make jokes about? Who are you looking for?” she asked.
“I have to laugh about it or I’ll probably go crazier than I already am. You know who I’m looking for,” I said staring at her. She gasped.
“Adam?” she asked.
“Yes, my immortal, my phantom, Adam. I love him more than life,” I declared, tears starting to stream down my face. My mother quickly grabbed some tissues and wiped my tears.
“Don’t cry. You will find him again. They know how to find you. He will find a way,” she said, trying to comfort me. I was surprised by how much she seemed to know about my secret friends.
“Have you seen Cheveyo since you were little?” she asked, unsure if she wanted to hear my reply.
“No, Cheveyo was reunited with his mother the day I left. I believe he was meant to save my life, from the combine and I was just lucky he stayed to be my friend while we lived in that house. He is gone now,” I said, trying to stop the tears.
“What do you think Adam’s purpose was?” she asked, seriously now, as if she knew more than she was telling me.
“I don’t know? Do you know?” I asked, starting to feel a searing pain in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t want to tell her about the night I met Adam at the river.
“I have said too much, I don’t want to upset you,” she said as she fluffed my pillow and pulled my blankets up.
“Tell me! Did you see him?” I asked.
“No, I didn’t see him,” she said looking away.
“He talked to you didn’t he?” I asked.
“Yes, he did,” she replied, starting to shake.
“I didn’t know what it was at first. I was putting the food away in the kitchen when I heard a scratching sound on the counter in front of me. I stopped and listened. It sounded like someone tapping the counter with their fingernails. I felt a breeze on my face. I was frozen. I just stood there, frightened. Someone I couldn’t see was there. I heard a man’s voice. It was so smooth and gentle, yet dismal. He said `Please, go upstairs. Natalie needs an ambulance.’ I felt the breeze again and he was gone. I called the ambulance before I reached the stairs. I just told them something was wrong with my daughter. I put the phone down on the table and ran upstairs. I found you lying on your bedroom floor. Your eyes were rolled up into your head. I was so scared. I was about to panic when I realized that he was there in your room too. The breeze that was in the kitchen smelled the same in your room, woodsy, like spring,” my mother smiled. I knew the scent well. I wished I could have bottled it and whenever I was missing him I could just close my eyes and breathe him in.
“I whispered `Thank You’. I heard you mumble, you were calling for Adam,” my mother was pale and trembling as she talked. She looked at me gravely.
“I think his mission was to save your life Natalie. He might be gone now too, just like the others,” she said, putting together pieces I already knew.
“No, he can’t go. He has to see me before he goes. I belong to him. I am his life and he will not leave me,” I said, unable to stop the tears. My mother squeezed my hand then stood and said she’d come back later. The nurse came in and quickly noticed my state. She left and came back with a sedative which she injected into my arm. My mother looked like she could have used a sedative too.
As I slept I dreamt of Adam again. This time I was running through his house, searching every room. I called his name over and over again. He never answered. I ran outside. I was running towards the river. I fell so many times, my legs were bleeding. I just kept getting up and running. When I reached the river I called his name again. He still didn’t answer. I ran to the edge of the river and started wading out. My white dress was floating along the top. I sank deeper into the river until the water was over my head. When I looked up I realized that the river had frozen over. There was a sheet of ice above my head. I had nowhere to go. I tried to smash the ice with my fists but it didn’t work. When I stopped fighting it I began to sink even deeper in the water.
A hand reached through the ice and pulled me up so fast I smashed through it. I landed on the edge of the river, cold and shaking. Adam was on the other side, walking away from me. I tried to call him, but all I could do was spit out water. He was gone. Hayden appeared beside me with a blanket. He wrapped it around me and carried me to his car again. He turned the heat up and we drove away.
I awoke crying again. The nurse was in my room and she heard my sobs.
“What’s wrong Natalie? Did you have a bad dream darling?” she asked. I looked at her, trying to hold back my tears.
“It’s so much worse than a bad dream, its reality,” I whispered as I rolled over on my pillow.
“Can I get you something to help you sleep?” she asked, really wishing she could ease my pain.
“No thank you. What I need doesn’t come in pill form,” I smiled, it comes in the shape of a tall, blue eyed, beautiful man, I thought to myself, with the most heavenly voice.
“I miss you Adam,” I whispered.
“I’m here Natalie,” he replied. I jumped up, looking around, almost pulling the IV from my arm. The door to my room closed slowly as the nurse left. He was, standing in my hospital room. He was so perfect, my angel.
“I thought the hospital was too far away for you, out of your reach?” I stammered.
“I can’t stay long. I am being called home,” he said smiling.
“No, no, no! You’re leaving now? After all this time, now they call you? When I need you more than ever?” I cried.
“I was here to save you from the river. I was obliged to save you from trying to join me in my world. I wish we could have had more time Natalie. I have no choice, I have to go now. Natalie, it might be my only chance. Your time will come eventually, especially the way you seem to always end up in the hospital,” he said grinning. I didn’t smile back.
“Will you be able to come visit me?” I asked, scared this really might be real. I may never see him again. He walked over to me, picked me up and carefully sat on my bed with me cradled in his arms. He kissed my forehead gently. I nuzzled into his neck, not wanting to ever let him go.
“I love you,” I told him. He kissed my eyes, then my cheeks. He held my face in his hands and kissed my lips. He was so gentle. I was tingling all over. How was I supposed to live without him? I knew I couldn’t. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t my `happily ever after’, this can’t end.
“I will always be watching out for you. I am your angel, now and for always. Please take care of yourself! I can’t intervene anymore, no matter how much I may want too. I always told you that you belonged to me but now I have to let you go. I love you Natalie,” he said as he carefully laid me down in my bed.
“Please don’t go!” I cried, barley able to speak, my voice cracking, as the lump in my throat grew, making it hard for me to breathe. He leaned over and kissed me again.
“Be strong. Breathe,” he ordered as he faded in front of me.
“NO!” I shouted, crying hysterically. The nurses rushed in and held me down while one of them injected me. I crashed down on the bed unable to close my eyes, feeling the room spin, I sunk deeper and deeper into the abyss, the emptiness that took over me was beyond any pain I had ever felt. The despair was intolerable. The pain was excruciating. I faded into the drug induced nothingness.
9. LETTING GO
The psychiatrist decided to delay my release, as my condition seemed to have taken a turn for the worse. I couldn’t pick myself up out of this depression. I was having trouble talking. I couldn’t eat or sleep without assistance. The doctors feared I might become too dependent on the medication but they didn’t know what else to do with me. My psychiatrist was confused by my sudden turn. I wasn’t allowed visitors anymore. My mother was only allowed a short amount of time with me and it had to be supervised by a counselor. I think they thought my parents may be the cause for my condition.
I was lying there on the bed, staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep again when I heard a quite knock on my door. It slowly opened and closed, not making a sound. I saw someone standing in the shadows. My heart leaped when I thought it might be Adam. Hayden appeared in front of me.
“Hi,” he said, casually like he always sneaks into my hospital room in the middle of the night.
“Hi, if I knew company was coming I may have showered and dressed,” I tried to smile.
“You look and smell wonderful,” he joked.
“So seriously, how have you been?” he asked looking me over, taking in my pale skin, the dark circles under my eyes, all the needle holes on the top of my hands. I’m sure I must have looked a mess. I haven’t looked in the mirror since Adam left me.
“I’ve been better,” I said, not sure how much he knew and not sure how much I wanted to tell him.
“I would love to get you out of here Natalie, soon. What do you say? How about you fake sanity for a few days and once they release you I’ll take you to my place in the city for some recuperation?” he offered. It did sound appealing since I had no reason to go back to my old house anymore and I did not want to be constantly monitored by my parents in their new house. It was the best offer I had right now. He didn’t live with a parent, which was definitely a plus. I could not handle any rules now and what I could gather from this devil man was that he wasn’t into rules either. He was staring at me now, watching for a reaction on my blank face. I better say something soon before he thinks I really am too crazy. I smiled. He smiled back at me, relieved.
“Excellent. Here is my number. Call me as soon as they say you can go. They’ll probably call your parents as well, so I’d like to be here before them. You can call them when you’re settled and tell them your decision,” he ordered, taking control of the situation. I liked that.
“Thank you, but Hayden if you change your mind I’ll completely understand. Apparently I can be unpredictable and a little unstable. I may not make the best roommate,” I said laughing.
“I am looking forward to it. I’ll make up a bed for you in my study. You’ll have all the privacy you need,” he said reassuring me.
“I don’t want to kick you out of your study,” I said. I really didn’t want to be an inconvenience to him.
“I can read in my room, trust me. Please don’t worry about such silly things. I want you with me. You don’t have to worry about anything. I am going to take care of your every need,” he said seriously. I liked the way he said he `wanted me with him’. I knew I was going to need someone to take care of me. My mother was still struggling to hold onto her own sanity and she had Luke to take care of too, let alone handling my fathers’ psychotic outbursts. Hayden leaned over me and kissed my forehead.
“Try and be good and call me as soon as you can,” he said as he quietly walked to the door and snuck out.
I did my best to stop my sudden crying episodes. I stopped staring at the walls. I tried to show them that I was remorseful for my suicide attempt. I told my psychiatrist everything he wanted to hear. I was truly sorry for putting my parents through that trauma and I didn’t really want to end my life. I told him I wanted to go back to school and continue on with my life. He bought all of it and five days after Hayden came to see me I was released.
I told my mother I wanted to go to a friend’s place for a while, to have some fun. I’d call her as soon as I could. She agreed, appreciating my happier outlook on life. I think she may have even been relieved that I wasn’t going to have to be under her watch.
I was so nervous the morning of my release. I couldn’t sit still. I was packed and dressed, so I decided to go for a walk around the hospital. I wasn’t officially released yet so I couldn’t actually leave the hospital. I took a number of different turns, walking down long hallways. I had no idea where I was going all I knew was that I had to keep moving. I walked down a hall that was painted bright yellow. At the end of the hall were two doors. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to enter them or not. As I approached I noticed one of the doors was slightly ajar. I opened it and quietly closed it behind me, leaving it again slightly ajar so I could get back out without it locking. As soon as I turned around I wished I hadn’t decided to come in here. I felt someone standing close behind me. I walked quickly hoping to shake the feeling. I passed an area with tables and a fireplace. There was a half-finished puzzle strewn across one of them. The paintings on the walls had paths and unending ocean views. A lingering smell of coffee filled the air, mixed with the normal hospital smells. As I walked I passed a room with a man lying on a bed. His skin was pulled tight, revealing his cheek bones. His mouth was wide open and he was staring at the ceiling. A woman was standing quietly at the end of the bed. I knew then where I was and who was with me. This man had clearly just died. I turned to walk back the way I had come. I had to get out of here. I reached the double doors and just as I was about to open them his hands landed heavily on my shoulders.
“Take me with you!” he ordered. I paused for a moment, wondering what exactly he wanted me to do for him.
“I have to get out of here,” he whispered. I was shocked. Didn’t he know he was free to go anywhere now?
“Fine,” I replied, slightly angered by his hands still resting heavily on my shoulders. He wouldn’t release his grip on me. As we passed a window I noticed my reflection. My hair looked like it was flying behind me although I wasn’t walking that fast. It also looked like the bottom of my swe
ater was being pulled up, like someone was holding it.
“Can you let go of me? It isn’t necessary to touch me. I will help you.” My back was starting to hurt from his weight. I felt him lighten up a bit. I walked quickly towards the nearest exit. I practically ran to the door and swung it open.
“Okay mister, you’re free to go. Don’t get into any trouble,” I tried not to laugh. It was the first time I had to open a door for a ghost. It was also the first time I had felt pain from a ghost too though, which did not make me laugh. It actually frightened me.
“Thank you,” he said and he was gone as quickly as he appeared.
Hayden arrived just before noon. I was saying goodbye to my nurse when he walked through the double doors and entered the hallway. As he walked toward the counter my heart stopped for a moment as I watched him approach. His skin was pale and his blue eyes were set on me. He was dressed all in black, his pants hung perfectly on his hips, and his sweater was snug, revealing his strong shoulders and chest. I was not expecting to feel so attracted to him. He smiled as he walked closer, much to my relief. He smiled at the nurse too and I couldn’t help but notice her blush. Hayden really was striking.
“Hi, my little one,” he greeted me. He gently placed his hands on my cheeks, holding my face up, looking me in the eyes.
“Ready to get out of here?” he whispered.
“Oh yes, I am so ready. I just have one bag,” I said reaching for it. Hayden quickly grabbed it from me, threw it over his shoulder and reached for my hand.
“Bye,” I squeaked to the nurse, smiling. He led me to the doors. I couldn’t believe how excited I felt. I thought I would be dreading this day. If it wasn’t for Hayden I knew I would have been completely lost. I would have tried to find Adam, regardless of what he had said. I would have probably gone insane and who knows what would have happened to me. Hayden was going to be my distraction now.
I have only seen him in dim lights and darkness up until now. I had trouble keeping my eyes off him as we walked. I couldn’t help but wonder why he wanted to help me. I was seventeen but I didn’t really know how old he was, just that he was older. He looked and acted so much more mature than Justin or any of the other boys in school. He carried himself a lot like Adam did, with confidence. As Hayden opened the passenger door for me I realized I had to stop thinking about Adam or I would cry and that might not go over well with Hayden. I took a deep breath and sat up straight as Hayden started the engine. He quickly looked over at me grinning.
