by Blue Saffire
“Alright.” He looked uncomfortable with it, but he was trying to be nice.
We rode in the car in silence. Alex looked like he wanted to say something, but he was holding it in. I just wanted to get this over with and have peace of mind. I didn’t want Victor trying to knock me up every time he got drunk. When I got out of the car Alex gave me a look that told me he didn’t want anything to do with this or the fight it was going to cause. I just got out of the car and focused on what I needed to do.
I spent most the morning in the clinic. The sign said no cell phones so I turned mine off. I would have used any excuse to do so. I knew once Victor realized I was gone he was going to be calling or text messaging me. I didn’t want him talking me out of what I knew was right.
The doctor gave me a prescription and a few samples. I couldn’t start the pills until my next period, which was annoying. I was just glad I had them. If Victor tried to flush these I was moving out.
When I got out of the clinic I started to panic. I didn’t want to turn on my phone, but I had to. I wanted to avoid Victor at the moment, but I needed to get home. I didn’t know how to on my own and I couldn’t just go to the trap looking for Juan.
I knew going to the Towers was not the best idea so I started for the train. I turned on my phone and I had a ton of messages. I flipped through the text to see Victor was cursing me out by the third message. When I listened to the voicemails they were the same.
Alex had told him he gave me a ride, I guess to keep the peace. It just seemed like he didn’t tell him where to. Victor was barking about me not hanging in the hood and not wanting me around my so-called friends. As I listened to the messages my phone started to ring. Just as I figured it was Victor.
“Hello.”
“Tali, where are you?” he bellowed into the phone.
“I went to take care of some business.” I was trying not to sound nervous.
“You couldn’t answer your phone?”
“No, I had to turn it off.”
“Yo, where you at?” He was so loud, I had to hold the phone away from my ear. This was not good at all. I could tell he was pissed, beyond pissed.
“On 129th,” I lied. I knew I could get that far before he sent anyone for me.
“Yo, you putting me in a crazy spot right now, 129th and what?”
“Lenox.”
“Don’t move,” he barked and hung up.
I rushed to get to a hundred and twenty ninth in case he was sending Juan. Alex would know better and wait for me, but I wasn’t sure if he was the one coming. Once I got there, I was relieved no one was there yet.
I stood there in front of the wine store waiting and thinking about how much I didn’t want to see Victor tonight. I was hoping he would be busy and get home late. Or should I say I was praying that would be the case.
As I stood there I could see a black Jaguar, moving too fast, up the one way toward me. The car stopped right in front of me at the hydrant on the corner. I could hear the reggae tone blaring from the car.
I nervously scanned the block for one of the trucks or Alex’s Benz. The music got louder as the driver’s door opened to the Jaguar. I looked back toward it to see Victor hopping out and rushing toward me.
“Get in the car,” he ordered. I was totally taken back.
Victor never drives. I was not expecting him to come himself. The look on his face made me second-guess being defiant. My stomach started to twist in knots as I walked toward him. He opened the door and gave me a killer look as he watched me get in the car. Once I was in, he slammed the door closed and made his way back inside.
He peeled away from the curb like a mad man. His face looked so angry I was afraid to speak. I could see the veins popping out from his forehead.
The music was so loud I couldn’t hear myself think. He reached to turn it down, looking over at me with his eyes narrowed. I braced myself for what was next.
“Yo, you can’t be playing games like this. I don’t want you around this and cause I had to have Juan take care of things so I could find you, I had to come get you myself,” he hissed.
“I’m sorry, I would have taken the train,” I almost whispered.
“Tali, there’s a reason I don’t let you travel by yourself and why I never just told you where we live.” I wanted him to calm down. He was driving like a madman.
“Victor, I just had something I needed to do.”
“What?” he barked at me. “You think I’m stupid?” His hands were gripped tight on the steering wheel. His knuckles were red and white.
“Why are you yelling at me?” I was trying not to cry, but he was yelling so loudly.
“I know you were not where I picked you up when I called. You think I don’t know what you were doing? Tali, I been in the streets too long for the bull you think you pulling. Mama, I got eyes in the back of my head.”
I sat in silence as I started to cry. I wanted to get out of the car. He was yelling louder than the music was when I got in the car. He got quiet and just drove not looking at me again. He stopped in front of these old buildings and parked the car.
“Don’t move, Tali. Don’t get out of this car for nothing you hear me?” he ordered as he cut the car off.
“Yes,” I sobbed almost too low to be audible.
He got out of the car and slammed the door. He disappeared into one of the buildings and I fell back against the seat as I cried. An hour went passed and he still didn’t come back. After the second hour I was hungry. I knew he was too mad at me for me to text him and ask him how much longer.
A black SUV pulled up as I started to get anxious. A bunch of guys jumped out and I noticed two of them had guns. I instantly realized I had no business being here. I wanted Victor to come out now. I didn’t know if they were going in to hurt him or if they were with him. His warning started to ring loud in my ears. I didn’t know what to do. I knew calling him was not the greatest idea, he was already distracted because of me.
The guys went in the same building I watched Victor go in. My heart was racing. They were in the building for a half an hour before they came back out and there was still no sign of Victor. I wanted to go see if he was all right, but he told me not to.
Another hour passed and I was going out of my mind. My cell phone was ringing, but it was Queeny and then Layla. I couldn’t talk to them right now. I needed to know Victor was okay. After twenty more minutes, when I thought my head was just about to explode, Victor came out of the building.
He got in the car and I rushed him, grabbing his face and pulling him to me. I kissed him so hard it hurt. He reached for my face and kissed me back. I could feel the tears warming my cheeks as I locked my hands on his collar.
“I’m sorry, Baby,” I breathed in his face. “I promise to listen. I’m just happy you’re okay.”
“Let me take you home.”
He was disconnected. I knew he was still angry with me. He drove to the warehouse the party was in the night we met and parked the car inside, on the lower level.
We got out and went upstairs to the loft we were in that night. It was packed with La Mafia members. He held me close to him as he took me into the office we were in that night. He sat me in the chair behind the desk and went to sit at a table where they were sorting, counting, and stacking money.
Juan was loading the money into duffle bags and Alex was writing into what looked like a ledger. Victor yelled something in Spanish and they started to speed up the process. He looked so stressed. I felt bad.
After a little while, they were wrapping up the last of the money and Victor got up to come pull me from the chair. We went out to the large room the party was in and he wrapped his arms around me. Victor placed his face in my hair as we waited for Alex and Juan.
“You want to go out to eat?”
“No, I can make something at home,” I replied. I was trying to relax the tension between us.
“You sure, it’s been a long day. You tired?” He sounded as if he was finally
starting to calm down a little, at least he was trying. I couldn’t help but notice he also sounded really hurt somehow.
“A little.” He was playing with my hands as he swayed me in his arms. He kissed my head a few times and it felt like he was relieved about something. I knew I really had no idea how much danger I put myself in today.
“We’ll get some take out.”
“Okay.”
We all went to get in the truck and Alex drove us to the apartment. He looked stressed too. I wanted to talk to him alone and thank him for trying to cover for me. Victor was extra quiet. I knew there was more to him being upset than having to have me around for the day.
I just couldn’t bring myself to what he wanted. I realized while waiting for him to come out of that building how much I care for him, but I still wasn’t ready for what he wanted. Victor would just have to wait. I was learning to love him too. I just needed to do things the way they made sense to me.
chapter Eleven
Making Up
Victor didn’t come to bed that night. He spent the night smoking with Juan. There was so much going on between us I didn’t bother him. I wanted to give him space to think or calm down or whatever he needed to do. I didn’t really sleep well. All I could think about was Victor and how upset he was. Not just about me disappearing, but about where I was.
I tried to see things the way he did. He had asked me for something and I ran out to make sure I don’t give that to him. It made me think about the ring he gave me. Victor sees everything so much differently from me. To him, I’m someone he wants to be with forever. I can see that now, I would break his heart to leave him.
I think I broke his heart by not wanting to have his baby or at least the way I went about trying not to. I did feel really bad about that, I hadn’t seen how what I was doing would seem to him, I just panicked. I care for him, I just can’t get lost in Victor’s world. Me telling him no is what makes me special to him, that would have to apply to now as well.
It’s been two days and Victor won’t really talk to me. I think he is going to ask me to leave. I’m prepared for that, especially tonight. He has been home almost all day and he has stayed in the living room with Juan the whole day, watching movies and smoking.
Every time I go to sit in the living room with them, he lights up as if to get me to leave the room. I cooked, but I made him get his own food tonight. I figured if he doesn’t want anything to do with me than I can play that game too. I have been considering just packing my things and leaving since things are so stressed between us. It’s just a part of me wants to be with him.
After dinner, I cleaned up and went right into the bedroom. I don’t think I can take him lighting one more joint just to spite me. It really was hurting my feelings. The last time I almost sat through it to spite him. My stomach just couldn’t take it.
I was in the bed under the covers watching TV when he came into the room. I was not expecting him to at all. He went in the bathroom to take a shower, so I figured he was going out tonight to avoid me. I was amazed when he came out of the bathroom and climbed under the covers with me to watch TV.
I didn’t say much. I wasn’t sure if we were talking. There was a long awkward moment, until he reached over and pulled me into his arms. Once my head was resting on his chest, he released a long deep sigh.
“Do you want me to leave, Victor?” I asked not able to take it anymore.
“No, Tali,” he sighed again, “I don’t want you to leave.”
“So, you’re just not going to talk to me or are we pass that?”
He sighed reaching for my face so I would look at him. His eyes searched my face as his face wore a confused and pained expression. He pulled me to him and kissed me for the first time in days. “I just don’t understand why you felt you needed to lie to me and sneak around behind my back,” he finally said after releasing me from his kiss.
“I –I just didn’t want. I don’t know. You want something that I’m not ready for.”
“But I asked you, Tali. You told me no, so that’s what it is. I won’t say that I don’t still want you to have my baby, but if you don’t want to then it is what it is, Mama.”
He sounded so sad and hurt. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. Victor is good to me; he has been trying so hard to give me what I want. I wish he wanted something simpler of me.
“Victor, why do I feel like you think I’m saying no because I don’t care about you?”
He shrugged as he reached for my hand to play with the ring on it. “Do you care about me?” He wouldn’t look at my face. He looked like he was scared of my answer.
“Yes Victor,” I replied as I placed my hand on his face. “Me not wanting a baby has nothing to do with the way I feel about you.”
“Tali, if you don’t want a baby, I’m cool. My moms didn’t want me and look what happened.” My heart broke with his words.
I sat up and climbed over him to rest on his lap as I stared into his eyes. “Victor, I’m not your mom. I want you.”
He sat up to kiss me and wrapped his arms tightly around me. “I want you too, Tali. More than you know, Mama.”
He slid back against the bed holding me to his chest so that I rested on top of him as we lay together, while he rubbed my back. We remained that way all night, tracing each other’s skin and exchanging the occasional kiss. Victor and I bonded in a new way that night. All the tension finally seemed to float away.
The next morning, I had class and Victor was off in his world. Alex was meeting me after school to take me food shopping again. These guys run through food faster than I can get it in the house. I don’t know how they were surviving before without me.
I stood outside of school waiting for Alex. He is usually there before I come out, but today he was not there. I wasn’t in any rush to get back to the apartment so I was just enjoying the fresh air. I didn’t want to start Victor up by calling him to ask if Alex was okay. After about fifteen minutes of waiting my cell phone started ringing.
“Hey Alex,” I sang into the phone.
“Hey Mama, I’m sorry. My lecture ran over today. I’m running a little late,” he called into the phone.
“That’s fine, Alex, take your time.”
“Victor is already having a baby about it,” he laughed.
“Name something Victor isn’t having a baby about,” I teased. “Hey Alex, are you in a rush to get home?”
“Not really, why?” I could hear his curiosity through the phone.
“I really don’t want to rush to go sit in that apartment and cook. You want to go do something? We can go shopping after?” I offered.
“Sure, where you want to go?”
“You know that place where you can eat and play video games and stuff? You want to do that?” I asked really excited at the prospect.
“Alright, Tali, I think Victor might be cool with that. I don’t see anything wrong. Look, I’ll be there in a few.”
“Okay,” I chimed in the phone extra excited now.
I was finally getting a break from the apartment and with Alex, who is really fun to hang with. I knew I’d have a good time. We had plenty of time to still go food shopping and there were leftovers if necessary. I needed an outlet after all the stress from the last few days.
Alex picked me up with a big smile on his face looking great as usual. He was dressed in a light blue rugby shirt and black jeans. I really love him in blue, it really works for him.
Alex was laughing hysterically because Victor wanted me to call from Alex’s phone the minute he picked me up. Victor said I would cover for Alex if he asked me to, so he wanted to hear my voice through Alex’s line. I thought that was pretty funny myself.
Alex was hungry, so we ate before playing any games. Once his belly was full, we took turns beating each other on most of the games there. I had so much fun with Alex and it didn’t have that awkward feeling. We were just hanging out like two old friends.
“Hey Alex,” I laughed as we battle
d each other in a basketball shooting match.
“What’s up, Mama?” he laughed back.
“I wanted to thank you for the other day. I didn’t mean to make Victor mad at you.”
“Tali, Victor is always mad,” he chuckled, “he just never stays mad at me too long. It’s cool.”
“I still wanted to thank you.”
“So, everything worked out?” he asked putting down the basketball and turning to sit against the game and look at me.
“Yeah, I guess so. I mean I got what I needed and Victor is starting to talk to me again.” I shrugged and turned to sit next to him.
“As long as you’re happy, right?” Alex was looking in my eyes as if he was checking to see if whatever my answer was, was the truth.
“Yes, I’m happy, now at least. I thought Victor was going to tell me to leave, or something.”
“You really like Victor?” His words were careful and inquisitive.
“He has grown on me. He can be sweet when he wants to be. I like that.”
“Cool. I know he likes you too.” Alex gave me a weak smile and nudged me with his elbow, “the girl that got Victor to breathe.”
“What does that mean?” I laughed and nudged him back.
“Tali, you are the first girl I have ever seen Victor kiss. I have seen him with plenty of girls and I have seen them try to kiss him, but Victor is not with that.” Alex paused to think for a minute and his face took on that sad look again. “I knew you were different the first time I saw you with him, because he kissed you.”
“Oh,” was all I could say. I thought about that first night and the same sad look was on Alex’s face then. I didn’t want to know anymore. It felt like if we talked about Victor and me anymore, Alex was going to say something that would make things difficult for me.
“Tell me something, Tali?” Alex started before I could change the subject.
“Sure,” I offered a little too easily.
“I want you to be honest. If you could do it all over, would you still be with Victor? I know it won’t change anything now, I just want to know.”
“I’m not sure what you’re asking me, Alex.” I wanted to tell him I would have chosen him. I would have waited for him, but as I sat there, I wasn’t so sure that was the truth anymore. “I don’t know if I would be with Victor if I could change some of the things that made me choose to be with him, if that’s what you’re asking.”
