by Lily Zante
She put her fingers to her mouth to stifle the cry that had lodged in her throat.
“I don’t want to lose you either,” she told him, as she watched the smile form on his face for the first time. This time, she didn’t wait. This time she leaned up and into him, and kissed him. His hands slipped down and around her tightly, until she was flush with his chest. He kissed her for the longest time.
“Tanya! Gabriel!” They turned, and looked around, and saw one of the boats that had been moored along the side, slowly start to move away from the docks.
Ethan and Nadine waved wildly. “The tavern! Meet you at the tavern!” Shouted Nadine, and they slid out of view as the boat slipped away along the Seine.
“What did she say?” asked Gabriel, reaching out for her hand.
“I think she wants us to meet her at the tavern. It’s a place we went to last night. You’ll like it, I think.”
“You recommend this place, do you?” he asked her, squeezing her hand for a moment. She squeezed it right back.
“I do,” she said, leaning into him as they set off towards the direction of Notre Dame where they would meet Ethan and Nadine at the tavern close by. Where they would all, no doubt, spend the rest of the evening, and the early hours of next morning.
It was already a beautiful day, full of promise and possibility. Just like the future.
** The End **
This is the end of Tanya and Gabriel’s story.
If you have read the Perfect Match books then you will be familiar with Sandra Donnelly. I have included a free bonus chapter at the end of this book, called ‘Sandra’s story’ where you can find out what’s been going on with Sandra.
If you haven’t yet read the Perfect Match books (the series from which the Tainted Love books evolved) you can take a look at it here:
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And, if you’re looking for something else to read, I have a 1st chapter excerpt from Honeymoon For One, a jilted-bride romance with a very happy ever after. It is book 1 of a 5 book series based on the same couple. You can read the 1st chapter here.
Thank you.
Lily
Sandra’s Story
“How old?” asked Nadine, fighting the urge to jump up from her seat on two accounts. First, at the very news itself and second that Sandra had chosen to share this with her at all.
“Twenty-nine,” said Sandra, as she clasped her hands together and displayed her crimson colored nails. Nadine tried to disguise her surprise at Sandra’s revelation. This was intensely personal news and Sandra didn’t do personal.
Why are you telling me this? She wondered. She’d been to a few lunches with Sandra; they’d had so much to discuss especially with regards to the Paris office.
Yet it was through these outings away from the office environment that Nadine had sensed something was going on with Sandra lately. It had been mainly business talk but that in itself, the fact that the two of them had gone out for lunch, had signified a big step forward in their uneasy relationship.
“I gave him away when he was a day old.” The haunted look on Sandra’s face belied her calm composure. To Nadine it seemed that the woman’s normal tight steel casing had all but melted.
Even though Nadine’s maternal instincts were buried way down deep, the thought of having to give away a baby when he was a day old, shocked her. She felt that something of that magnitude would haunt a person for the rest of their lives.
In that instant, she was ready to forgive Sandra for all the nastiness she had inflicted.
“And now I get to meet him, almost thirty years later. I can’t believe it myself.” Sandra had a child who was almost as old as Ethan; that in itself was as shocking to Nadine as hearing Sandra’s confession.
Nadine gazed back at the woman who’d made life difficult for her ever since she’d joined the company. Now that same woman had come to her with her secret. She needed a listening ear, not for someone to judge her.
“I never would have guessed that, Sandra. Never. ” Nadine struggled for the right words to say, but she had none. She only had more questions, and it didn’t seem fair, or right, to be asking Sandra too many questions. She sat up, tried to pull herself together. “It must have been hard to give him away.”
“It was devastating.” Sandra’s voice wavered, but the expression on her face was as hard as granite.
Yet this explained a lot of things about Sandra lately. She kept herself to herself, keeping her nose out of other people’s business for a change, and the usual cattiness that was so often the norm for her had been lacking. A couple of times Nadine had walked into Sandra’s office and found her sitting at her desk with a faraway expression.
“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Nadine, because clearly the woman did. Otherwise she would have left the office by now, given that their latest meeting had finished almost ten minutes ago.
“ I gave him up for adoption when I was in college. Stuff happened, his father and I weren’t really serious. And when he found out I was pregnant, he didn’t want to know. I took a year out and had my baby.”
Nadine gulped and held her breath, trying to imagine a younger college-age Sandra, pregnant and scared, and how she might have felt. Her chest felt heavy, just imagining what it must have felt like to be so young and without support.
“My whole world ripped apart with this…this…one night stand. It was a foolish thing to do. For me especially. My family were pretty strait-laced; we never talked about sex. So the fact that this had happened was a complete shock. I still had years ahead of me in college and I couldn’t bring him up alone. My parents were struggling anyway. They couldn’t help me. My baby disrupted my world and the only way out of it was to give him away. I wanted him to be with people who would love him and care for him in a way I couldn’t.” She struggled to keep her voice steady.
Nadine’s heart bled. A life without the support of her parents was alien to her, just as a life of hardship and strife was not something that she knew. She’d never struggled; her childhood had been great and gilded. Hearing Sandra’s story tore at her heartstrings.
“Oh, Sandra,” she was consumed by the desire to give this woman a great big hug.
But Sandra didn’t do hugs either.
“I’ve regretted it ever since. There’s not been one day that I haven’t thought about him. Twenty-nine years. Do you know how that makes you feel? What that does to a person? Twenty-nine years of denying I had a son.”
Sandra got out a tissue, and wiped at the tears that had settled in her eyes. Nadine couldn’t help it. She walked over to Sandra, and placed a hand on her shoulder. Sandra crumbled the tissue in the palm of her hand and looked up at Nadine. “I’m okay,” she said.
But she wasn’t.
Nadine backed away a little and perched herself on the edge of the desk, knitting her hands together in an attempt to contain the despair that racked her emotions.
“Does Mason know?”
Sandra nodded. “My husband has been my rock. I told him before we got married. I felt it was the right thing to do. He always encouraged me to track him down. But I refused. I didn’t want to disrupt his world and then we had our own children. I thought it best to carry on. But of course I couldn’t. Life has a way of reminding you of the truth you try to hide. And I was frightened.”
Nadine knew that Sandra had two children and she’d already met Mason, her husband, but other than that Sandra never spoke of her
personal life. Nadine didn’t even know how old her children were or what their names were. Ethan had taken a liking to Mason but this was more to do with him feeling sorry for the man rather than having a lot in common with him.
Sandra looked at Nadine with red, veiny eyes; no longer the groomed and perfectly polished Sandra anymore. This was a woman with soft edges and a heart. A woman who’d battled through her life, more than half of it, carrying guilt and a secret that had been eating away at her.
Nadine pressed her lips together, so that she wouldn’t cry. “Mason is a good man.”
“He never pushed me, but I think I pushed him away. Yet he still stood by me. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to get along with. I was just worn down with life.”
Nadine leaned forward and touched Sandra’s arm as she watched the woman’s tears roll down. “I know,” she told her, “but it’s okay. You survived.” Nadine didn’t move her hand away.
“I’ve tracked him down.” Sandra’s voice was so low that Nadine had to lean closer to hear her. “I finally tracked him down.” The look on her wet face was pure joy.
“You did?” She hoped this was going to end well.
Sandra nodded.
“I hope it works out for you.”
“I hope so too.”
“Do your other children know?” Nadine asked.
“We told them just as we tracked him down and he said he wanted to meet. It was the best thing I could have hoped for. My children were shocked, naturally, and they wanted to know why he didn’t live with us. They still have lots of questions but I think they’re mostly taken by the idea that they have an older brother. Though we have to take it slow. This is a big change in Adam’s life. I don’t want to get anything wrong.”
“Adam,” said Nadine, smiling. “Have you spoken to him?”
Sandra shook her head. “We’ve emailed and swapped photos but the phone seemed too much, too intrusive. I only held him for a short while after he was born, and—” she patted her eyes, steadied her voice, “I didn’t want our first words to one another to be on the phone. I didn’t want to hear his voice without being able to touch him. I don’t know. He might not even want me to touch him. I know it’s going to be too much to handle all at once and I’m such a mess of emotions right now but I would rather see him and deal with him not wanting to touch me, than deal with him not wanting to see me at all.”
Nadine’s heart lurched with admiration and love for this woman and yet she felt heartbroken for what she had gone through. From one woman to another, just thinking about the sadness of the situation, and how Sandra had dealt with her lot in life made her see Sandra in a completely different light.
She would never again care if the woman said another unkind word to her again.
They sat in a silence that bordered on awkward yet the longer they sat, quietly and not looking at one another, the more they felt bound together by some invisible bond.
Finally Sandra spoke. “I might not be able to make it to the marketing convention this year. I know it’s still a couple of weeks away but I have too much going on.”
Nadine sniffled, and wiped her nose. Fighting back the tears had been hard. She shook her head and looked sideways at Sandra. “The marketing convention doesn’t matter one iota.”
Sandra moved her arm and smoothed down her skirt, before gathering her folder.
“Are you worried about the first meeting?” Nadine asked.
“Wouldn’t you be?” she replied, getting up and adopting a little of her usual tone; a trace of the former Sandra slipped through and Nadine welcomed it. She nodded her head. “I think you’re both so brave for doing this.”
“I’m nervous and scared and I try not to think about it too much. I try to think about what I’m going to wear and how I’m going to do my hair; all the silly things that don’t matter when all I desperately want to know is how he has been. What sort of a life has he had? Were his adopted parents good to him? I’m worried that he likes his family more—and why wouldn’t he? They looked after him when I—,” she looked away, collected herself. “When I couldn’t.” She faced Nadine. “I want him to like me too. I want him to forgive me.”
Nadine got up and took Sandra’s hands in hers. “He’s agreed to meet you, Sandra. The fact that you’re sharing emails and photos, it can only mean good things. You’ve got to expect the best.”
“What if he doesn’t feel a thing for me? He’ll never know that I thought of him every single day. I never told Mason that I carried so much regret, I didn’t want to trouble him with my worries. It was my punishment, and I had to live with that guilt. But Adam won’t know and I don’t think it’s right for me to tell him. Yet I want him to know I didn’t forget him. Not for one moment.”
“Then tell him. Do what your heart tells you. If the mood and the moment are right, you can tell him. He’s your son, Sandra, he wants to meet his natural mother. Imagine how he’s feeling. I’m sure he’s as nervous and as anxious as you are.”
The look of worry slipped away from Sandra’s face. “You’re right. You’re right, Nadine.” It was as if she’d been given a new angle to look at it with. She clasped Nadine’s hand. “Thank you.” And then she moved towards the door.
“I appreciate you telling me,” said Nadine, wanting her to know.
Sandra shrugged, then opened the door, but before she took a step out of the room, she said, “Who else did I have to tell?”
Excerpt from Honeymoon for One
(Book 1, Honeymoon Series)
Chapter 1
Ava lay on the couch and wiped her raw nose again. Her head throbbed with shooting pain and she wanted to close her eyes and drift off to sleep, but she couldn’t. Damn this flu.
Connor would be here soon, she thought, with some consolation. Wincing in pain, she blew her nose yet again and sank back onto the couch, dragging the chenille blanket up to her neck.
Swatches of peach-colored organza and pale pink silk fabric lay on the side at her feet. As soon as her mind cleared enough she would choose one fabric and this would signal the start of the wedding favors sub-project. For now she was too congested to think straight.
Wearily she grabbed the television control. When Harry Met Sally was on and she flicked back and forth between live coverage of the New Year’s Eve celebrations in Times Square and the romantic film she had seen countless times. It was 11:14 p.m.
Connor will be here soon. What’s keeping him so long?
The loud cheers on TV woke her up. The Robitussin had done its job and she had managed to slip into a delicious sleep. Ava shook her head, not quite believing the clock on the television screen. It was midnight already. A digital counter in one corner of the screen counted down, “10… 9…8…7…”
No Connor anywhere.
She grabbed her cell and called him, her heart racing with thoughts of anything and everything that could have gone wrong.
Dear god, not now.
“5…4…”
“Connor? Where are you? I’ve been worried sick.” A part of her was relieved to hear his voice again and to know that he was all right, and another part of her was angry that he wasn’t by her side on this special night.
“3…2…1…Happy New Year, everybody!” The crowds went berserk in the main square and New Year’s Eve confetti rained down from the skies.
It was here. The New Year had finally arrived. And the wedding was only six weeks away. A burst of happiness exploded through her, wiping out the worry she had felt when Connor hadn’t turned up.
“Happy New Year, darling.” She smiled as she said it, even though her head hurt and her throat felt as though it had been sandpapered.
There was a pause at the other end.
“I can’t do it, Ava. I’m sorry.” Connor sounded dull and quiet, but in the background she could hear everyone at Russell’s house party screaming and hooting for joy.
She blinked in confusion. Had she heard him right? Maybe the Robitussen was playing trick
s on her.
“Can’t do what, Connor?” she asked in a muffled voice, as she wiped her nose with a soggy Kleenex.
“I can’t marry you. I’m sorry. I can’t go through with it.” His words cut her more than her throbbing headache or throat.
“What? Connor?” What did you just say?
“I’m sorry, I can’t go through with the wedding. I don’t think I love you.”
She had heard him the first time.
I don’t think I love you.
From deep inside her, she managed to find the strength to say, “You don’t?” but it was more to herself, than to him, and then she hung up. She felt as though she was back in high school, tall, gangly, big-eyed, and long-necked and the coolest girls in school picked on her for looking like a freak. Then as now, she felt her body shaking all over, except that it didn’t really feel as though she was inside it. The next moment she collapsed backwards onto the couch and let out a gut wrenching scream, flinging her arms out and sending the swatches of organza and silk fabric hovering delicately to the floor. She heard a primal, guttural sound ringing in the air and it took her a few seconds to figure out that it was her voice.
I don’t think I love you.
Their wedding was only six weeks away.
On TV the crowds hugged and kissed each other and the euphoric partygoers were all smiles and laughter. They had high hopes for this new start to a new year. Sick at the sight of so much happiness, Ava smacked the TV off and curled up into a ball. She hid under the soft comfort of the blanket.
A short while later Ava woke up and found herself staring at the ceiling. She had dozed off with the light on and even now, hovering on the edge of sleep and wakefulness, the first words she remembered were Connor’s.
I don’t think I love you.
The words punctured her like knife wounds. She loved him, and he loved her. He had loved her. She shuddered, still unable to grasp the finality of his words. What had happened? Where was he now? Did she really even know for sure?
