This is Living (Living #1.5)

by Melody Dawn

  I was hoping to get off of the phone with her before she figured anything out. Yeah, not going to happen; she always sees through me. Why didn’t I look at the caller ID? I don’t want to talk about this right now.

  “Nothing.”

  “Just tell me already because I’m going to keep asking. What is wrong?”

  Sighing, I bite the bullet because I know she isn’t going to let it go. And maybe I can get some good advice from her. She knows how to pull me out of my head and make me see when I’m being a dumbass.

  Leaning against the counter, I begin to tell her what happened. “I haven’t seen Jayson in two nights and he didn’t call last night. Then when I texted him, he answered and said he fell asleep and would be home soon. He is still not here and no word either.” I can hear the anxiety in my voice so I know she can, too.

  Did you call him? I hope he’s ok. You know how crazy the ER can get in that hospital.”

  I cringe because I know she’s right. He works in one of the city’s biggest trauma hospitals and they are always short-staffed due to budget cuts.

  “No, I didn’t call him…he should be calling me. Especially if he isn’t going to come home.” Jesus, I sound like a major bitch. I hear her take in a deep breath and I prepare myself for the lecture.

  “Chloe…”

  I cut her off before she can get started. “Madison, I know what you are going to say. Yes, I should call him, but I’m not feeling very logical right now. I miss him and I’m pissed. Not to mention, I’ve been scared to death. We don’t go to bed without saying ‘I love you’ especially to the boys. They are old enough now to know when he’s not here or if they don’t get to talk to him. I don’t know what is going on with him and it’s killing me.”

  “Are you going to call or text him again?” Does she always have to be so freaking reasonable?

  “I sent one this morning and no reply. So no, I’m not going to send anymore.”

  “Wow, you are in a pissy mood today. I pity Jayson when you finally do see or talk to him. You don’t usually freak out like this…what’s really wrong?”

  My words rush out before I can stop them. “What if he is with someone else?” The dead silence on the other end of the line is deafening, which makes me feel like a total idiot.

  Madison’s frustrated tone is loud and clear with her next words. “What? Chloe, we are talking about Jayson here. You need to calm down and really think about what you just said. That man worships the ground you walk on. You know he isn’t screwing somebody else. You’re being insecure and saying things you don’t mean.”

  “I know,” I say quietly.

  “Thank God. Whatever you do, when you talk to him, don’t mention that. You know as well as I do that the Reece men have a lot of pride, especially when it comes to their women. And since I live with Jayson’s clone, I can tell you for sure it won’t go well if you say what you’re thinking. Don’t damage a trust that is 9 years in the making.”

  “Got it, Oprah.” She snorts and I say, “You sure have matured; my Maddie’s all grown up.”

  “Yes, popping out six kids will do that to you. I tried to fight it, but I finally moved over to the dark side; I’m an adult now.”

  “I can tell. I want to be just like you when I grow up.”

  “Whatever, bitch. Be sure and call me after the big showdown. I’ll keep the boys so you can have some loud wall banging makeup sex. I’ve got to go; I’m about to have a kid mutiny on my hands. Talk to you later.”

  Just as she is about to hang up, I ask what she was originally calling about. “Oh, that’s right. I’m calling to invite y’all over on Jayson’s next day off for a swim party. Let me know what his schedule is and I will give Ava a call to see if they are up for one or just want to babysit.”

  “I’ll have to let you know…maybe Jayson will come home from work for that,” I say bitterly.

  In a soft voice, she says, “Chloe, I know things are hard right now with him trying to finish his residency. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be upset, but don’t torment yourself over something that’s not true. And don’t punish him for something he hasn’t done. Kick his ass for being thoughtless and then work on the problem.”

  Trying to rub away the burn in my chest, I say, “Thanks, Maddie. We’ll be fine…I think.”

  “You will. Every marriage has bumps in the road…even you and Prince Charming.”

  We both laugh and then agree to make plans for later. After we hang up, that familiar feeling of family comforts me. I’m so thankful for the family that I have now. Once upon a time, I didn’t have this and it taught me to never take the people in my life for granted. Especially not my marriage, which means if Jayson doesn’t call or show, as soon as breakfast is over, we’re all getting cleaned up and heading to the hospital. I’m not losing my man to anything or anybody.

  I shut my mind down from thinking, get my boys out of their seats, and we start to make breakfast. Looking at us, no one would ever know that there might be a problem. Whether it’s a ripple or a huge wave, whatever it is, I’m going to fix it. I didn’t come this far to let anything ruin our happiness.

  Once breakfast is over, I work on the dishes and getting the boys, along with myself dressed. This is not the easiest thing to do with two rambunctious 2 year olds, but thank God it isn’t 6 of them like Madison has to corral every day. I can’t even imagine how she handles it. Although, it seems like it’s effortless for her. It’s like she was born to be a mother instead of the career woman she always saw for herself when we were in college.

  Locking our bedroom door, I put the boys on a blanket right in front of the doorway to my bathroom with some toys before going in to get ready. Usually I try to take a shower before they get up , but that’s not working out today and I’m not willing to wait until later to go to the hospital.

  “Brendon, Braxton…look at me. I have to take a shower. Do not get off of the blanket until I get out. Understand?”

  I wait until they agree and go into the restroom for what will have to be the quickest shower in the history of the world, because I’m not entirely comfortable that they will stay where I put them. Just in case, I leave the door partially open and pray for good luck.

  After washing up as quickly as possible, I step out and wrap myself in a towel. Hurrying to the doorway, I check on the boys and thankfully, they are still right where I put them.

  “I’m done. Thank you for listening to mommy. I’ll be done soon and then we’re going to see daddy at the hospital.”

  Their faces light up just like I knew they would. They love their dad like crazy and he feels the same towards them. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in the boys’ club; I would love to have some girls to even it out. Of course, Jayson would have to actually come home to make that a reality. Hmm, that wasn’t bitchy at all, right?

  Actually, I’m glad they are all as close as they are. That’s what they deserve…to be the center of our worlds.

  While I’m getting ready, my phone beeps with an incoming text. I’m hoping it’s Jayson so I can get rid of these damn thoughts that keep racing through my brain.

  Jayson: I got called for another shift, but only a partial one. I have someone coming to relieve me later on. I didn’t want to text earlier and wake you up and then I got busy and forgot. Call you later. Love you.

  Chloe: Thanks for letting me know. Talk to you later. Love you, too.

  After texting him back, I set my phone aside and then go into my closet and choose some clothes. Pulling out a pair of Miss Me jeans, a top, and some ballet flats, I think about his text. Why didn’t I tell him I was coming to visit? Because you don’t know if he is telling the truth.

  I lean back against the wall in my closet. Do I really feel that way? That’s when I know that yes, I actually am doubting him. My head starts to pound and I press my fingers to my temples hoping to stop it before it gets out of hand. I have never doubted him; ok, yes I did, but that was back when we first met and his “friend” i
nsinuated their relationship was more serious than it was.

  I hate myself for feeling like this. And deep down, I know he would never be unfaithful to me. On the other hand, I feel like we are drifting apart. Maybe it’s not a woman coming between us, but it seems like something is. I know these feelings are irrational and if I can see him, I’ll be more settled. I’m going to visit him because the boys and I miss him…and that’s it. Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Shaking my head at my idiot thoughts, I tell my brain to shut the hell up…unfortunately, it doesn’t listen.

  Once I’m done getting dressed, I put the boys in the car and we take off for the hospital. I turn on the radio to try and drown out the thoughts running through my mind. Mercy by Duffy plays and that’s not helping my frame of mind at all.

  I try to remember everything Madison said this morning, although right now I have to admit, I’m not sure what the real truth is anymore. Is he slipping away or am I letting my insecurities rule me? It looks like I’m getting ready to find out.

  Traffic isn’t too bad today and we arrive at the hospital in less time than usual. I find a spot for parking and we make our way through the emergency room entrance. Unfortunately, Brendon and Braxton have a little tradition that they insist on doing and since we don’t come here often, I let them. They have a fascination with the elevator and love to ride it any chance they get.

  We step into the elevator and the boys are thrilled like their birthday and Christmas has happened all at once. They immediately press all the buttons they can reach and run out of the doors onto each floor that we stop on; I have to make sure I grab them in time before the doors close, but I don’t mind. Their silliness makes me laugh and even if I’m being a little indulgent with them, that’s ok. I try to balance out my parenting with being fun while still setting rules for them.

  After they have had their fun and I’ve received a bunch of dirty looks from people waiting for the elevator, we head back down to the first floor where the ER is located. The waiting room is full to the brim, but I’m hoping Jayson will have some time to take a break and eat with us in the hospital cafeteria…another one of Brendon and Braxton’s favorite things to do here.

  Walking up to the nurse’s station, I see Tanya, one of the nurses that has been in the ER as long as Jayson has been here for his residency. We have gotten to know each other and she loves my babies. And they love her, too.

  Braxton sees her first and takes off running while screaming her name. I chase after him, but damn, he is getting faster each day…they both are. He reaches the desk before I do, but it’s ok because she has already come out from behind it and grabs him up.

  “Hey B-man, what’s up? Give Aunt Tanya a hug and give me some dirt on your daddy so I can blackmail him the next time he’s mean to me.”

  I don’t think he knows what dirt or blackmail means, but he shakes his head yes and laughs anyway. By this time, Brendon has reached her also and she is hugging him to her although he remains on the ground. Not missing a beat, she grins at Brendon with her next words.

  “There is my second little man. How are you, sweet cheeks?”

  Like clockwork, Brendon gives her a pointed look and says, “I’m older, Aunt Tanya, I’m #1.”

  She laughs while I shake my head because I have definitely heard this refrain before and from another set of twins: their dad and their uncle. Thank God, he isn’t saying he’s sexy or has got all the goods. I’m waiting for that day to happen. Please God let it be when he’s at least a teenager. Somehow I know it won’t be because Jayson and Connor still don’t have a filter even after having kids. They try to be stealthy about it, but they don’t get it that kids hear everything.

  With all the commotion going on, I happen to notice another nurse standing behind the counter, one that I’m not familiar with. She is dark haired and very pretty, but has what Madison and I like to call RBF: resting bitch face. Her pointed gaze makes me shift uncomfortably and I look away quickly. Something about her makes me wary of the way she is watching us.

  I focus on her name tag and it says Melissa. Mentally, I roll my eyes in disgust because it is very close to another name from the distant past that I don’t want to remember at all. She hasn’t taken her eyes off of the scene in front of her and each word or movement from the twins only increases her look of annoyance. The more she stares with revulsion, the more I become upset. What the hell is this witch’s problem?

  Tanya notices that my attention is elsewhere and looks to see what has me preoccupied. When she sees who I’m staring at, she grimaces in disgust. What is that about? Melissa’s stare makes me feel exposed so I grab Brendon up and tell Tanya that I’m looking for Jayson. I see the new nurse jerk her head up again when I say Jayson’s name. What happens next floors me.

  “Why are you looking for Dr. Reece? Is there something I can help you with?”

  I blink rapidly and feel my breathing increase. Tanya notices my reaction and jumps to the rescue.

  “Melissa, this is Jayson’s wife, Chloe, and his sons. Of course, if you can’t see who these two belong to, then your powers of observation are way off and you don’t belong in the ER where those skills are necessary for patients to be treated successfully.”

  Ha ha, go Tanya! Melissa, who I’ve started calling the fucking bitch nurse in my mind, sniffs and rolls her eyes. “Whatever…I was just trying to be helpful.” As she walks away, my temper gets the best of me and I mutter quietly, “fucking bitch.”

  Tanya smothers a laugh because evidently I didn’t do it quietly enough. Braxton’s eyes get big and he tells me, “Mama, you hab to put money in the jar.” Oops. I thought I said it where they couldn’t hear me. Now, I will never hear the end of it.

  Unfortunately my boys are well acquainted with swearing and yes, we do have a swear jar. Since their dad, their uncle, and their cousin, Brayden, can’t clean up their mouths, I figured out a way to make some money which I can use to get my mani/pedis, waxes, and my hair done. Not that Jayson would deny me these things; I just enjoy holding it over their heads how much money I make off of them because these guys can’t reign it in.

  I grin to myself when I think of my money making enterprise. It’s all good…sometimes I think they swear more just so I will make a big deal and fuss about it. I keep telling Jayson he is going to regret it when one of their teachers calls us about the boys using bad language.

  As for me, I am usually more reserved than this and wait to have my swearing fits behind a locked bathroom door where the boys can’t hear me. Crap; I know they are going to tell their dad. How can I get out of this? I reach into my mom’s arsenal and pull out bribery…shut up, you would do it, too.

  “Honey,Mama didn’t mean to say that. Let’s not tell anyone, ok. How about I take y’all to get ice cream when we leave here?”

  Jesus, am I really bargaining with two toddlers? Yes, I am, because I need my record to stay intact. I see Tanya’s mouth twitching and give her an elbow to the ribs.

  She just rolls her eyes and whispers, “You know they are going to tell.”

  They probably are, but more important things are going on. Right now, I am focusing on the gorgeous man in scrubs headed my way. He hasn’t seen me yet but I know when he does, his panty-melting smile is going to spread across his face.

  He looks up at that moment and sees me and the boys and guess what, I’m right…there is that smile…the one that melts my heart and other body parts. I smile back instantly and the boys soon see who has my attention. They take off running, screaming “Daddy” and I know he knows they are there because when they slam into him, he catches them though he never takes his eyes off of my face.

  “Wow, I think I’m going to get pregnant just looking at you two.”

  Tanya and I both laugh and I thank God I can’t get pregnant from a look or I would end up like Madison: popping out 6 kids. Hmm, is that how Connor does it? Uh no, I know exactly how he does it thanks to her incessant need to fill me in on their “activities.”
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br />   By the time Jayson reaches me, I feel like a giddy schoolgirl. He gives me a much needed hug and all I can think of is I wish there was a free room somewhere. Ok, it’s been a while so don’t judge.

  As he is hugging me, I hear one of my little tattletales say, “Mama said a bad word. But she doesn’t hab to put money in the jar and we’re going to get ice cream.”

  Really? Putting on a big smile, I act like I don’t hear him. But Jayson isn’t fooled. It might not have been exactly what I said, but he gets the gist of it.

  “Yeah, little dude? What did she say?”

  Before I can react, the other little traitor says,“puck bish.”

  Well shit, I was hoping maybe it wouldn’t have come out so plain. Tanya is laughing like a hyena and I’m trying to hold it together. But, it is super hard. His brother repeats it over and over like a mantra and I feel Jayson’s arm tighten around me as he laughs.

  Whispering in my ear, “I think you’re busted. You know the deal. Since you are making so much money, if you mess up, you have to do anything I want or give it all back. You know what I want, right?” Yay, hospital sex…let’s go.

  Instead of saying this and ruining my sons for life,I roll my eyes at him, but secretly I’m thrilled because I definitely want it, too. I see him grinning at me because he can probably guess my horny as hell thoughts…sometimes it’s a pain that he can see right through me.

  Looking down at me, he says, “Who were you calling an effing b, baby?”

  I don’t have to answer because Tanya immediately pipes up. “The new s-k-a-n-k nurse.”

  I think to myself, thank you for spelling it Tanya, but Braxton repeats it back letter for letter. At this point, it’s too much and I can’t hold in the laughter anymore.

  Instead of laughing with us, Jayson says, “She isn’t that bad…she’s just trying to get used to a new job.”

  What the fucking hell? Has he been dipping into the ER med supply? My mouth drops open and I know the look on my face says exactly what I’m thinking. Whatever. This isn’t the place to talk about this…not in front of all of his co-workers and patients. I will deal with him behind closed doors.