by Melody Dawn
Jayson interrupts with, “I know I’m big, baby, but we always make it work.”
Oh my God, I’m going to kill him. By this time, Ava has tears pouring down her cheeks from laughing. I fake glare at her and ask, “Do you think you can help me with your son before he spills our whole sex life?”
Still laughing, she walks over to us and says, “Watch and learn, my friend.”
All of a sudden she whistles loudly near his ear and yells, “Jayson, get up now!”
Immediately, he jerks up and glares at his mom while rubbing his ear. “Jesus, I’m awake. You almost blew out my hearing.”
She blows him a kiss and I tell him, “Let’s go to bed; your mom is going to watch the boys. We can spend the night here tonight.”
After I get him going towards the stairs, I remember his job. “Wait, do you have to go back to work soon?”
“No, I have the next two nights off.”
I grin to myself and think that this is perfect timing. Once we get to his old bedroom, I insist on taking his temperature, which he’s not happy about. Its 99.8, so not too bad, but it worries me a bit because he never gets sick.
Deciding to leave it until tomorrow, I help him get undressed, yum, and he goes into the bathroom to get a shower. He always says he can’t get in bed without washing the hospital off of him.
I lie down to wait for him and without realizing it, I drift off to sleep. I don’t hear him come back into the bedroom or slide into bed next to me. But, I wake up enough to feel him wrap around me, which brings back that old familiar safe feeling. Even though he’s probably already asleep, I quietly say, “I love you.” He doesn’t answer, but this time, he doesn’t have to, I know it.
Waking up with the early evening darkness seeping through the blinds, I wonder how long we’ve been asleep. Apparently, it’s been quite some time and when I look over at the bedside clock, I’m floored. The clock shows 8:19 PM…that means we’ve been asleep for nearly 8 hours. Evidently, we both needed it and from the deep sleep Jayson is in, he still needs more.
Once the sleep fog clears from my brain, I immediately worry about the boys. With their Nanna taking care of them, I doubt they’ve missed us, but it’s second nature for me to worry about them. I decide that if they need me, Ava will let me know.
I also wonder what she has been doing with them to keep them from trying to find us. It’s probably best I don’t know. Ava is one of those fun grandmothers who spoils her grandbabies without shame and then sends the kids home with the parents all while hiding the grin on her face. Or so she thinks. She always says I’m so transparent, but really, she’s one to talk. I know her game very well. I laugh to myself when I think of my mother-in-law; she’s definitely got all of us marching to the beat of her drum, but she’s great so why fight it?
At this point, my bladder lets me know I better find a bathroom soon. Getting out of bed, I move as quietly as possible so I don’t wake up Jayson. I find my way without turning on a light allowing my body to rely on muscle memory even though it’s been a while since I was in this room during the nighttime hours.
After getting much needed relief, I wash my hands and sit on the side of the tub allowing myself to think about everything that has transpired today. I decide I can either wallow in bad memories or I can pull up my big girl panties and move on. And moving on sounds good to me.
As I leave the bathroom, I keep the light on and close the door so a small amount of light fills the room. Once I’m done and back in bed, I think about the times that Jayson and I spent in this room. Although he and Connor had moved out by the time we started dating, we still stayed here a lot of weekends visiting Ava and Phillip. At that time in my life, I needed a family in the worst way and Jayson, always knowing what I needed, made sure I had one even if staying here put a cramp in being together.
I was always so scared of getting caught even though Ava is the most outspoken person on earth when it comes to the topic of sex. Obviously, it didn’t slow us down too much because as scenes flash though my mind, my body flushes and grows hot at the memories.
Speaking of flushed, I remember the slight fever Jayson had before we went to bed. Feeling guilty that I’m taking a stroll down sex memory lane while he might be sick, I feel his forehead and cheeks and his skin is even hotter than before. I grab the thermometer and roll it across his forehead…the display says 102 degrees.
I can also feel that his body is sweating, trying to get rid of the fever. Though I hate to do it, I pull the covers off of him and fold them up at the end of the bed. The longer he is under the covers, the higher the fever will climb.
Now that the covers are pulled away, I’m a little distracted. If it’s even possible, his body is better than it was at 23 and that includes his heart as well but that’s not the body part I’m thinking of right now.
The small amount of light shines over his face, his beautiful full lips, down over his the planes in his chest and stomach, and down to…ok, that’s enough. Can the man at least wear some clothes to bed? I’ve got pregnancy hormones remember? And they are taking over my brain.
Inwardly scolding myself for ogling my sick husband, I go about the task of getting some fever reducer into him, I look in my purse for Tylenol. And since I’m super mom with a side of OCD, I also have bottled water in my bag as well.
I lay both on the nightstand next to him and try to wake him up. As I grab his shoulder and pull on him while calling his name, I notice how pinched his mouth is as well as some purplish bruising under his eyes.
He doesn’t even make a peep; it’s like he’s in a coma or something. I know he’s not, but it sends a chill over me anyway. How could I not have noticed how rundown he is?
Trying to think of a way to wake him without doing it Ava’s way, I go into the bathroom, dampen a washcloth with cool water, and head back to the bed. I start wiping his face and neck with the rag and by the time I’ve made my way to his chest, he’s awake.
I turn on the lamp next to the bed and he’s looking at me in a confused way. He looks tired and unwell; it makes my heart hurt for him.
In a voice that sounds like he swallowed glass, he asks, “What time is it?”
He also tries to pull the covers up, but I stop him just in time.
“It’s about 8:30 at night and you’re running a fever. I hated to wake you up, but I need you to take this Tylenol so your fever will come down. The thermometer says its 102 degrees.”
Of course, he has to tell me that unless it gets to 104, he’s ok. Inwardly, I roll my eyes, but on the outside I keep a calm serene face.
He tries to laugh, but it comes out as a painful raspy sound. Knowing my reactions well, he says, “I know you just rolled your eyes in your mind.”
Giving him a punch in the arm, I tell him to just take the medicine already.
He swallows the medicine but acts like he’s mortally wounded from my punch. I outwardly roll my eyes this time and say, “Yes, I’m sure I hurt your big arm with my little fist.”
Even though he’s sick, I see the gleam in his eyes and he starts to make a joke about my ‘big’ comment, but stops and closes his eyes. Now I’m starting to worry. As ridiculous as it sounds, the fact that he let my comment go by lets me know he’s really not feeling well. Because he loves to embarrass me and believe me, he still can, even 9 years later.
“When did you start feeling bad?”
His voice comes out in a croak that I can tell is painful. “I’ve had a headache for two days and I’ve been extra tired. I thought once I slept I would feel better, but I feel even worse than before. My throat is so raw I can barely swallow.”
“Why don’t you try to sleep a bit more? I’m going to go down and check on the boys. I know you want to see them and they are going to be upset, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for them to be around you especially while you’re running a fever.”
With his eyes closed, he nods his head in agreement and I lean over and kiss his forehead before I go.
Before I c
an pull away, he pulls me into a hug and says, “I miss your lips, princess. I miss all of you. But, I’m worried you’re going to get sick. And we also have the baby to worry about.”
I whisper back, “I miss yours, too. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. Close your eyes and try to get some more sleep. I’ll be back soon. If you need me, text me, that way you won’t have to get up.”
Before leaving, I make sure his phone is charged up and within his reach. His breathing is already getting deeper so I know he’s falling back to sleep. Normally, I would be happy that he’s resting, but his breathing sounds labored and it worries me. I place another kiss on his forehead and then close the door behind me.
I stop in to check on Ava and the twins and they are sprawled across her both sleeping soundly. She’s watching an old rerun of the Real Housewives of New Jersey…one of our mutual guilty pleasures. When she sees me, she mutes it and asks if Jayson is still asleep.
When I tell her about him waking up with an elevated temperature and exactly how sick he is, a pained look crosses her face. She may give Jayson and Connor a hard time, but when it comes down to it, they are still her babies.
“I’m really concerned, Ava. His temperature is a 102 and he can barely talk. And he has some majorly dark circles under his eyes. I feel awful that I haven’t noticed how run down he is. I don’t think he has ever been this sick since I’ve known him.”
Shaking her head in agreement, she says, “He really is running himself ragged. I know residencies are tough but he works way too many shifts beyond what is required of him. Although, that’s how he’s been since he was a little boy. Always doing more than what had to be done.”
I tell her he is off for the next two days and she says we should just stay with them since I’m going to need help with the boys along with taking care of Jayson.
At first, I think we should go home, but quickly change my mind at her next words.
“Honey, get ready to pull your hair out…men are not fun patients…and when they are doctors and are sick…trust me, he’s going to make you crazy.”
We both laugh and then lapse into silence. We’re both thinking the same thing. His being sick is not really the problem; it’s just a symptom. And neither one of us knows what to do or how to fix the situation.
While we’re sitting there, Phillip comes in and I fill him in on Jayson’s condition. Not wanting Phillip or Ava to think I’m being unsupportive, I tell them how I feel.
“I know this is his career choice and I will always support him in every way possible. I only wish there was a way to make things easier for him. If I know him, he’s just going to say that this is a little thing and there’s nothing to it.”
Both are agreeing with me so I decide to let it all out. “I don’t know how he can keep going at the rate he is now, especially with the fact that even with his residency ending, his never-ending shifts aren’t going to change.”
I stare down at my hands with my next words because I’m afraid to see their reaction. “I’m afraid our marriage is going to suffer…in fact, it has already started to.”
Tears fill my eyes and I’m surprised when I feel Phillip’s arms wrap around me. He’s not usually demonstrative like this so it makes the moment even more poignant.
After a moment, he pulls back and says, “Don’t give up yet. I know Jayson will figure this out. Tell him how you feel.”
He grins at me and I can see so much of Jayson and Connor in that gesture. “Of course, it might be good to wait until he’s not delirious with fever.”
“I don’t know…that might be when I need to tell him.”
I tell them both that I need to do something to keep myself from dwelling on it too much. I decide to go and pick up some medicine at Walgreens and some soup from Panera Bread…if nothing else, I can at least try to help him feel better.
Leaning down, I give my babies soft kisses so they won’t wake up. Ava tells me not to worry and that they will be fine with her while I’m gone.
Grabbing my purse, I head out to my car and mentally begin making a list of what we’re going to need for the next couple of days. I decide to stop by our house first before my other errands to get everything we will need for our stay with Jayson’s parents. If nothing else, it will take my mind off of the problem at hand because at this moment, I don’t have an answer and I know we are going to need one soon.
Never have I felt as shitty as I have these last two days. Every bone in my body ached, my throat felt like I gargled with rocks, and I alternated sweating and freezing my ass off. Not to mention I couldn’t breathe out of one side of my nose, which might sound funny and not too serious, but trust me, I haven’t been laughing.
I tried to tough it out and act like it was no big deal, but I finally gave in and let Chloe take care of me. And trust me, she loved every minute of telling me what to do. Drink this, take that pill, pull those covers down…you get the idea.
Secretly, I loved her taking care of me just as much as she did. Even though I couldn’t see my boys and all I’ve seen is my old bedroom for the last two days, it felt like the times when it was just her and I.
Along with watching a ton of TV, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about making some major changes in my career. With what happened at the hospital and a new baby coming, my priorities have shifted. Actually, I’ve been feeling this way for a while, but I didn’t want to give voice to it because if I did, then everything I’ve worked for would seem like it was for nothing.
Now more than ever, the decision I’m contemplating feels right. Actually, I’m a little ashamed of myself for not seeing the impact my job has had on my marriage and family. I’ve been there for the big things, but I’ve missed out on a lot of the twins’ first two years of life.
I’ve thought about talking to my dad about what I’m thinking since he was most likely in my shoes at one point or another early on in his career although actually I’m thinking Connor might be the best person to talk to.
No, hell didn’t freeze over…I’m going to call my brother for advice. I’m kidding; I like to give him a hard time, but I can always count on him to tell me the truth.
Over the last several years, I’ve watched him turn into a hardworking dad of 6 and he still always has time for him and Madison. It’s sort of ironic that he was the one competing for eligible bachelor status while I wanted a family. Yet the fact is he’s a much better husband and dad than I am.
So with those thoughts running through my mind, I tap the screen on my phone for Connor’s number. I need to talk to him before Chloe comes back. She and my mom took Brendon and Braxton to the park to try and get rid of some of their excess energy from being cooped up for two days straight.
The phone rings three times and right before I hang up, I hear, “So, are you done getting pampered by mom and Chloe?”
It still hurts but I laugh anyway. “More like I’m being smothered to death. If I have my temperature taken one more time and have one more pill given to me, I’m going to run far far away.”
“Yeah, it’s too bad you’re at mom and dad’s; you could have Chloe take care of you naked or in something see through.”’
“I’ll be sure and tell Chloe your suggestion.”
“Tell little bit I know she’s freaky; there’s no reason to be ashamed.”
“I can only imagine that conversation. I’ll be sure and let you tell her that.”
We shoot the breeze a little bit more and then I tell him that I have something important to talk to him about.
Before I tell him what I’m contemplating, I ask him how he balances work, his kids, and still has time for Madison.
Without stopping to think, he says, “Because they are number one in my life. And I make sure Maddie knows that. Sure, its tough work, but I keep one thing in mind. I can always make money or get another job; I can’t ever get another one of her or my kids.”
His answer makes me feel like I’ve been sucker punched. I’ve been going about this
all wrong. I thought if I was established in my career that I would always be able to take care of Chloe and my boys. Instead its taken me away from them.
“What’s with all the introspection?”
“I’ve had nothing but time to think while I’ve been sick and the more I think about what happened at the hospital with Chloe, I can see that I’ve let my job come between us. Not to mention, I’ve missed most of my boys’ first two years. I need to make a change.”
“Are you talking about not being a doctor anymore?” Connor sounds shocked and I understand why; it’s all I’ve wanted for most of my life.
“No, I still want that and I’ve worked too hard not to be one, but I’m thinking of changing from Emergency Medicine to another specialty…maybe Peds. Right now, it’s just a thought. I have to talk to the Chief and see if I even have the option of switching this late into my residency. I’m also thinking of taking some time off…maybe a leave of absence from my residency program.”
Connor doesn’t say anything and I wonder if he thinks I’m making a mistake. Before I can ask him what he thinks, he says, “I think you should do it. You’re great with kids. And it’s a lot less demanding than Emergency Medicine. Will you still work in the hospital or do you want to have a practice?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t thought that far. I need to talk to Chloe and see what she thinks.”
“You know she will support you…she always does…no matter what it is.”
I agree with him and then say, “I also don’t want to miss the important things with the new baby. I feel bad enough that I wasn’t always there for Brendon and Braxton.”
“Well, you have my vote and I know Maddie will agree. As soon as you can, get your ass up and go and talk to the Chief, then book a trip somewhere for you and Chloe, and keep her tied to the bed for a week. You know if you need any pointers, I can help out with that.”
“No thanks, dude, I think I’ve got it covered in that department.”
We both laugh, but then he says in a serious tone. “J, you need to do what is going to make the both of you happy and what will allow you to be there for your wife and kids. If you’re already burnt out, then that should tell you something.”
