This is Living (Living #1.5)

by Melody Dawn

  I hear a high pitched squeal come through the phone and I don’t know how Chloe doesn’t have an instant migraine. I’m not even holding the phone and it felt like it pierced my brain.

  “So, Jayson has been sick…yeah, he’s fine.”

  Giving her a pained look I say, “Hey, I’ve been really sick.”

  She looks over at me and says, “Oh God, you’re fine now…it was 2 days. Men, y’all are such babies.”

  I whisper in her ear, “Quit showing off for your friend before I spank you.”

  With a grin she rolls her eyes and says, “Anyway, he’s off for the next two days…you know how rare that is. Is there any way to squeeze us in even if it’s later on today?”

  Even though I’m not hearing the conversation first hand, it’s easy to follow especially when she says, “Hold on, let me talk to Jayson.”

  She looks over at me and says, “Mia is the Nurse Practitioner and she said she would stay late to see us. Do you mind seeing her instead of Dr. Gibbs?”

  “Sure, that’s fine with me”

  “Ok, Mia, we will be there. Thank you so much for doing this. I’ve got to go get ready…see you soon.”

  Hanging up her phone, she looks over at me with excitement and says, “Get up, we have to be there in 2 hours.”

  I decide not to remind her that I can be ready in 30 minutes.

  The next thing I know she’s shoving me out of my bed. “Go get ready in Connor’s old bathroom.”

  “What, why? We can shower together. I don’t need to go to another bathroom.”

  “Uh huh, I don’t think so. Our showers together are never just showers. Besides, I can already tell what you’re thinking.”

  “And how do you know that?”

  She motions down to my half hard dick and I shrug…it was worth a shot.

  An hour later, we’re both ready and on the road to see Mia and hopefully our new baby. We get there and the waiting room is bare except for two patients. I go and sit down while Chloe checks in and then brings back enough paperwork that half a tree must have been sacrificed for it.

  She fills it out with no question though and not too much later, a woman about Chloe’s age opens the door and says, “Come on back, you two.”

  As we walk through the door, she gives Chloe a hug and I can tell they have a good relationship. I feel like an idiot because I don’t remember her at all, but obviously she was there during Chloe’s first pregnancy.

  I hear her tell Chloe to give a urine sample and place it in the cabinet in the restroom. Then she tells me I can wait in the exam room. Chloe comes back in when she’s done and gets undressed down to her shirt and bra.

  I’m glad Mia is a girl. I know I see hundreds of naked people weekly, but I still hate the idea of someone else, even another doctor, seeing Chloe that way. We sit and wait until Mia comes in with the formal news.

  “Ok girl, you are definitely pregnant. You’ve got a bunch of HCG in your urine to be as far along as what you think you are. Either you’re wrong about the date or you’ve got more than one bun in the oven.”

  A look of fear crosses Chloe’s face and then I get the look that makes me want to cross my legs so I can shield my balls.

  Mia laughs and says, “Before you murder him, I can tell you that your HCG level is 279,000 mlU/ml, which means that if there is only one, you are at least 12 weeks, my friend.”

  We both look at each other in shock and Chloe says, “Mia, that has to be wrong; I spotted last month and then had a period before that.”

  “Girlfriend, you know that bleeding can happen through several months of pregnancy. Why don’t we do a sonogram? Do you want the regular or the bat…referring to the internal ultrasound?”

  Chloe grimaces and says, “Let’s try the external one.”

  Lying down on the table, Mia pulls the paper sheet down to right above Chloe’s pubic bone. She covers the transducer with gel and begins gliding it over where her uterus lies.

  Immediately a whooshing sound fills the room and I almost fall over. I’ve heard this before, but it doesn’t make it any less special. I grab Chloe’s hand and she looks up at me with tears pouring down her face. For the second time today, I feel my eyes growing wet.

  “That’s a good sign, guys. He or she has a strong fast heartbeat. And you know what they say, faster usually means a girl. But I didn’t officially tell you that.”

  Wow, a girl…I can see her in my mind…looking just like her Mama.

  Mia breaks into my thoughts and says, “Let’s go in a bit closer so y’all can see your little one.”

  She winks and says, “And yes, there’s just one this time.”

  Suddenly, the screen shows this little half human/half alien creature and it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

  “Your baby is measuring about 2 inches long and weighs a little over half an ounce. You could say it’s about the length of a small lime.”

  Chloe and I stare at our baby with smiles big enough to crack open our cheeks. This was so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier.

  Mia gives us a moment and then says, “I can give you a DVD and a couple of printouts for y’all and the grandparents.”

  Finally, we leave armed with samples of prenatal vitamins plus a prescription for some as well as our DVD and photos. I smile when I see Mia has written “Baby Reece’s Movie Debut” on the DVD cover. For some reason, I’m pretty sure it’s a girl and she’ll be a princess just like her mother.

  I open the car door for Chloe and before she gets in, I grab her up and hug her to me tightly. We go home and tell the news to my parents that Chloe is 12 weeks along and they will be grandparents again on or around December 9th.

  They are as surprised as we are and the boys are thrilled they are going to have someone to play with. That night we take our boys home and after dinner, baths, and bedtime stories, we fall into bed ourselves.

  Chloe is asleep before I turn out the light and I pull her to me, resting my hand on her stomach to cover the place where my baby is growing. My mind races and I think of tea parties, dance lessons, boys...

  Shit…that’s not happening. No boys until she’s thirty. I don’t trust anybody with a dick around my little girl. Ok, so maybe I’m being a little ridiculous…but only a little.

  4 weeks later

  Waiting for Ava to pick up Brendon and Braxton, my thoughts are on my OB visit. Today’s the day we go and find out what we’re having or as Jayson says, “indoor or outdoor plumbing.” He’s convinced it’s a girl and wants to threaten any member of the male species outside of family members away from his princess.

  Lord, this baby’s going to be a diva with him for a father and Ava for a grandmother…oh and Madison for an aunt.

  I’m happy for whatever we have…I just want him or her to get here. I’m going on 17 weeks and already tired of being pregnant. Since I’m not even half way there, I might need to shelve that line of thinking.

  Ava finally arrives and after some goodbye hugs and kisses with the boys, I grab my purse and call Jayson on the way out to the car. Surprise, surprise, it goes to voicemail. I roll my eyes and then remind myself that this is only temporary. He’s a month into his Peds residency and while it’s a little better than the ER, I still don’t see much of him.

  As I’m driving to Dr. Gibb’s office, I give myself a mental lecture about quitting the bitchzilla act. I know I’ve been difficult to deal with the last couple of weeks. I wouldn’t come home either if I was him.

  Last night was probably one of those moments he wished he was still doing ER shifts. Thinking back on last night’s events bring a hot flush to my face…I’m pretty ashamed of my behavior.

  “Brendon, Braxton...I’m not going to tell you again. Stop playing with your food and eat. It’s almost bedtime and y’all haven’t had your baths yet.”

  Normally, my quiet guy and the most obedient, Brendon throws his food on the floor and says, “I’m not hungry.”

  Naturally, Braxton follows
suit…and now I have a mess to clean up.

  “Do NOT throw another piece of food on my floor. If y’all are going to act like babies, then I’m going to feed you.”

  With that being said, I grab their plates, dump all the food into one, and start handing out bites. The mutinous looks on their matching faces lets me know exactly how they’re feeling…they hate not being treated like big boys.

  When I have finally gotten enough food down them for the night, I take the dirty dishes to the sink. Pain shoots through my back and I lean against the counter trying to breathe through it.

  For the first time in our married life, I don’t clean up the kitchen as soon as we’re done eating.

  “Ok, it’s bath time…go upstairs and get undressed; I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  They take off running and I take a moment to wipe down the table and set the dishes to soak, otherwise it will drive me crazy. Once I’m done, I walk through the living room and notice Jayson looking at me with a worried frown on his face. After I’m out of his line of sight, I roll my eyes and think, “Heaven forbid you get up and help me.”

  Walking down the hallway, I don’t hear any noise and I have a feeling I’m not going to be happy when I walk in the twins’ bedroom. Maybe pregnancy makes you psychic because I’m definitely unhappy; they are sitting on the floor fully clothed playing with those damned LEGOS they love so much.

  They’re so involved in what they’re doing, they don’t even notice me until I say in a loud voice, “Boys, I told you to get undressed for your bath. Put up your toys immediately…it’s your bath time and almost bedtime.”

  Evidently something has possessed my usually sweet children because instead of listening, I get glares and slamming of toys in the container I have for their LEGOS.

  I try to be patient, but my back is screaming with every move I make. Not to mention my loud voice. And what is Jayson doing? I know he hears me. Am I a single parent now on top of everything else?

  After getting their bath ready, I go back to get them and Braxton is only half undressed. I feel my temper spiking, but I’m not one of those parents that usually screams at their kids so I count backwards in my head.

  I help Braxton get the rest of his clothes off and then lead them into the restroom. Any other time, I make them use the potty so they don’t go in the tub except this time I don’t and wouldn’t you know…one of them pees in the bathtub.

  I have officially had it.

  “Jayson, can you get off of your ass and come and help me with your sons?!”

  I hear gasps and immediately I feel like the most horrible person in the world, especially when I look down and see tears welling up in my babies’ eyes.

  Jayson walks in and asks, “What’s going on? I can hear you from downstairs.”

  Now on top of feeling like a monster, I’m pissed off. “Excuse me! If you’re so perfect, you do it. One of them peed in the water so you have to start over and please get them to bed. My back is killing me. I’m going to lie down.”

  Not waiting for an answer, I bend down, kiss the boys, and take off to our room. Since I didn’t get to eat, I decide to take a detour to the kitchen and find some comfort food. I really want this day to end.

  The more that I think about everything during my drive, the more ridiculous I feel. Yet, some part of me still feels frustrated at the way the night went down.

  While everything was going on, Jayson was studying a Pediatric book and I know if I had just asked him, he would have helped me. The thing is, I didn’t want to have to ask, I wanted him to get up and do it on his own.

  My thoughts go back to last night and how angry I was about everything.

  I still feel awful for yelling like that in front of the twins as well as using bad language. Then to make matters worse, they do everything Jayson wants and he’s in and out of their room in less than 30 minutes. That annoys me more than anything.

  Guess what, that’s not all. Deciding to bury everything in comfort food, which includes Swiss Cake Rolls…and yes, I know I shouldn’t be eating them…thank you Dr. Reece. This throws me into another bitch fit and I stomp upstairs to call Madison. She makes it worse by going on about how she’s done it 6 times. Eye roll.

  At that moment I’m just over it all. My back is killing me by this point. I take two Tylenol when Jayson isn’t looking…he doesn’t like me to take them even though my OB says a small amount is ok…and I go to bed.

  I hear Jayson come in and minutes later crawl into bed with me. Squirming to get comfortable, he offers to rub my back, which only seems to make it worse. Finally, I tell him to stop and the last thing I say before we went to sleep is the appointment is at 10:30 in the morning…and don’t be late. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and says he will be there.

  So, as I said, I’m ready for this pregnancy to be over and get my little girl…fingers crossed…here so we can bling it up together. That’s probably not an expression, but it’s what I call it.

  When I get to Dr. Gibbs, I sign in, and they call me back for my urine sample. I pull up my skirt and pull down my panties and I stare with my mouth open at the sight in front of me. There’s blood…not a lot, but definitely enough for a pad.

  I grab my phone and call Jayson…it rings three times and goes to voicemail. Fuck, fuck, fuck! In a daze, I pull up my panties and arrange my skirt. I tell myself to calm down because my heartbeat is so fast and I feel like I’m about to faint.

  Opening the door to the bathroom, I step out and the nurse says, “You didn’t do your sample.”

  I open my mouth to calmly tell her what happens and instead I scream, “There’s blood in my panties. Oh my God, there’s blood. And Jayson won’t answer the phone. I’m by myself. And there’s blood.”

  She sits me down immediately and takes my vitals. My blood pressure is through the roof as well as my pulse.

  Feeling the vomit crawling up my throat, I tell her, “I’m going to be sick.”

  “Breathe in and out, hon. Try and calm down. This could be nothing. Let’s get Dr. Gibbs so he can examine you.”

  We go into the exam room and I go through the ritual of taking my panties and skirt off. When I see the pad the nurse put on the table, I start praying. I bargain with God with everything I have, will have, and ever could have.

  Dr. Gibbs comes in and we talk for a moment. When I tell him of the horrible pain in my back last night, he looks concerned, but doesn’t say anything.

  “Lie back, Chloe, so I can examine you. Chances are it’s just your uterus stretching.”

  I can see he doesn’t believe his own words and it scares the hell out of me. I keep calling Jayson and it keeps going to voicemail.

  With a strained look on his face, Dr. Gibbs says, “Let me get the ultrasound unit. I just need to check something.”

  Vacillating between cursing and praying, I feel the tears coming down my cheeks. And I know it’s bad when the door opens and Mia walks in with Dr. Gibbs.

  He sets up the ultrasound unit and she takes my hand. Rubbing the wand over my belly, I wait for the whooshing sound. There’s nothing but silence.

  Mia clasps my hand tighter and I can’t keep the sobs in anymore. There’s noise in the room now except it’s not my precious baby’s heartbeat, it’s only the sound of my tears.

  Dr. Gibbs finally looks up at me and says, “Chloe…”

  I can’t let him say it. If he doesn’t say it, it’s not real. “No, no, no!”

  “Chloe…”

  I scream as I dial the phone, “Shut the fuck up! Don’t say it…it’s not real if you don’t say it!”

  Mia leans down and says, “Chloe, he has to tell you what is going on. You have to let him tell you.”

  I dial the phone one more time and this time it goes straight to voicemail. And this time, I leave a message. “I hate you. I will never forgive you for leaving me alone.”

  Ending the call, I look at my doctor and say in a numb voice, “Ok, go ahead and tell me.”

 
; “The back pain you felt was from the placenta separating from your uterus otherwise called a placenta abruption. It doesn’t allow the fetus to live; that’s why there’s no heartbeat.”

  Pain lances through my body and I literally jerk from the intensity of it.

  “You need to go over to the hospital. You’re far enough along that I have to do a D&C to remove the remaining tissue or you can get a severe infection.”

  I shake my head in agreement and he says he will call ahead to schedule an OR and to get me set up in a patient room. He squeezes my shoulder and apologizes before walking out.

  Once he leaves, I cry until I vomit. Mia tries to help me clean up and says she will wait with me until the ambulance gets here. I ask why an ambulance and she says they don’t want me driving while I’m so upset.

  While we wait, I ask what I’ve been wondering from the time I found out I was pregnant…what was the sex of the baby?

  “Chloe, I don’t think it’s a good idea…”

  “Mia, turn the ultrasound unit around so I can see my child one last time before it’s sucked out of me.”

  Smiling through my tears, I say, “I want to know if it would have been indoor or outdoor plumbing.”

  She pulls the machine over to me and says, “I don’t think I should do this, but I’m going to because I would want the same thing.”

  Turning the screen around, she points to my very still baby and says quietly, “indoor plumbing.”

  I place my hands over my stomach and feel the bump that is now my dead little girl. I wonder if she would have looked like me or Jayson or a combination of us both. Would she have had a personality like Ava? Most likely, she would have. A little diva princess that would have helped me bling and bedazzle everything in sight while driving her big brothers crazy. Jayson doesn’t have to worry now about any boys going after his little girl.

  My phone rings as I lay there waiting for the ambulance to arrive. It rings and rings and rings without stopping. I know I’m bring cruel for not answering it, but I don’t really care right now.