by Michael Cox
‘Snivelling shrimps and prancing prawns! Not on my granny’s whalebone hip, I’m not!’ thundered Captain Codswallop. ‘We’ve only just got our Grumpy Roger back and I’m certainly not going to hand it over to that lot.’ He suddenly lowered his voice and added, ‘Especially with all that treasure on board. Tell him he’s got enough ships as it is! Tell him to go and pick on someone his own size!’
‘It will probably mean a fight, cap’n,’ whispered Norris.
‘I don’t care!’ roared the captain. ‘We’ll fight then. Draw the fleet into battle formation. Let the Spanish Armada do its worst! Now, where did I put my cutlass?’
•
Captain Codswallop had just enough time to tie the Flying Kipper to the stern of the Grumpy Roger and swear in the Turnip brothers as trainee pirates before the battle began. With only two small boats and 14 men under his command, he was somewhat outnumbered by the mighty Spanish war fleet, so he was really glad of the help from the highwaymen. Even so, the whole battle would probably have all been over in a jiffy, if it hadn’t been for the return of the fog.
‘Thank goodness for that!’ said Norris, as he tottered across the deck with a cannonball. ‘These fog banks will be perfect cover for us. And there’s still a bit of a breeze. We’ll be able to nip in and out of the mist patches and keep the Spaniards guessing!’
‘Ooh! Are we going to play hide and seek?’ said Ginger excitedly. ‘I love hide and seek! Bags I be on first!’
‘All right then, Ginger, you can be on first!’ said Norris. ‘Now listen carefully! These are the rules. Take the rowing boat and head for England. Then, when you see a large fleet of English warships, tell them about this big game of hide and seek we’re playing with the Spanish Armada and ask them if they want to come and play, too! Have you got that?’
Ginger nodded enthusiastically and immediately set off in the rowing boat.
‘And remember not to beep!’ shouted Norris.
Chapter Ten
The battle between the pirates and the Spanish Armada soon began to hot up and in no time at all the air was thick with smoke and salty curses, as one cannonball after another plopped harmlessly into the sea. Norris’s ‘miss and run’ plan was definitely keeping the Grumpy Roger out of the Armada’s way.
Every time one of the galleons appeared out of the gloom, the pirates would fire a quick blast from one of their cannons. Then, after pulling some really silly faces at the enemy, they would scurry back into the cover of the fog.
‘If we can keep this up until help arrives, we’ll be all right!’ shouted Captain Codswallop, as they hid in a fog bank for the umpteenth time that day.
‘There’s only one problem though!’ replied Norris.
‘What’s that then?’ said the captain.
‘We’re almost out of ammunition!’ said Norris. ‘We’re down to our last two cannonballs!’
‘Pithering pilchards!’ exclaimed the captain. ‘We mustn’t let them know that, or we’re sunk! We’ll just have to throw everything we’ve got! Use anything you can lay your hands on, Norris!’
‘Anything, cap’n?’ said Norris.
‘Yes, Norris! Anything!’ yelled Captain Codswallop. ‘We’ve got to hold them off until help arrives!’
Norris looked desperately around the empty decks for something to use as ammunition. ‘There isn’t much we can use, cap’n, apart from those piles of fish on the Flying Kipper.’
‘We’ll use them, then!’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘At least we’ve got plenty of gunpowder to fire them with.’
‘Why don’t you use some of these brown, lumpy things as well?’ said Dick Turnip, as he and his brother appeared from below deck.
‘What brown, lumpy things?’ said Norris.
‘Yes! What brown, lumpy things?’ said Captain Codswallop.
‘These brown, lumpy things!’ said Dick. He held out his hand. Sitting on his palm was a really strange-looking object. It was a pinkish-brown colour and about the size of a goose egg. It was very lumpy and there were warty blemishes all over its surface.
‘Uurgh! Put it away this minute!’ exclaimed the captain. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. It’s absolutely disgusting! What is it?’
‘I’ve no idea,’ said Dick. ‘We found lots of them in the chests you’ve got stored below deck. The ones with Sir Walter Raleigh’s coat of arms painted on the lid.’
‘Those must be the chests we borrowed from the merchant ships in the Bay of Biscuits,’ said Norris. ‘I was wondering whose coat of arms that was.’
‘You shouldn’t have been looking there!’ Captain Codswallop roared at the Turnip brothers. ‘Those are our treasure chests! They’re full of our gold and silver.’
‘No, they’re not!’ said Nick. ‘They’re full of thousands and thousands of these brown, lumpy things! They’re not full of treasure at all.’
‘Yes, they are!’ roared the captain. ‘We know they are. We opened one!’
‘We’d better check the rest of them, cap’n,’ said Norris. ‘Just to be sure. After all, we only opened one of them, didn’t we?’
Captain Codswallop, Norris and the Turnip brothers rushed below deck and began opening the rest of the chests. Every single one was full of brown, lumpy things!
‘I think we must have struck lucky when we opened the first one, cap’n,’ said Norris.
‘Sir Walter must have brought these brown things back from his trip to the New World,’ said Dick. ‘That gold and silver you found in the first chest was probably just what was left over from his spending money.’
Suddenly, there was a series of enormous bangs above deck, followed by the sound of wood splintering and men shouting wildly. The Grumpy Roger began to rock violently and a pirate’s pale and terrified face appeared at the hatch above them.
‘We’re under attack again, captain!’ he yelled. ‘A cannonball has just hit the main mast!’
As Norris attempted to steer the damaged Grumpy Roger into the cover of another fog bank, the Turnip brothers and the pirates loaded the cannons with as many fish and brown, lumpy things as they could stuff in. Then they added the gunpowder and stood by with flaming torches at the ready.
Captain Codswallop braced himself on the bridge with his hand raised, waiting for the right moment to give the signal to open fire. He didn’t have to wait long. A gust of wind whipped away the curtain of smoke and fog and once more they were face to face with the admiral’s flagship and the rest of the Spanish Armada. Smoke and flames instantly leapt from the sides of the Spanish galleons and cannonballs whizzed over the pirates’ heads.
‘Ready … steady … FIRE!’ barked the captain.
The Grumpy’s eight cannon roared into life and the air was immediately filled with flying fish and bits of the brown, lumpy things. Moments later the Spaniards were splattered with the full force of the pirates’ bombardment.
Most of it hit the admiral’s boat! It was blasted by a broadside of bream. Slammed by a salvo of shrimp. Walloped by a volley of whitebait. And showered with a storm of bits of brown, lumpy things. Finally … it was clobbered by a cannonade of cod!
‘Yes, you’ve been CODSWALLOPED! That’ll teach you to pick on us pirates!’ yelled the captain, and the crew of the Grumpy Roger gave a big cheer.
Seconds later, and much to the surprise of the pirates and highwaymen, the Spanish guns all fell silent.
‘Surely we can’t have beaten them already?’ said Dick Turnip.
‘They probably don’t know what’s hit them!’ laughed Captain Codswallop. He paused and sniffed the air, then said, ‘Hmmm. What is that delicious smell?’
‘What smell, cap’n?’ said Norris, wrinkling his nose. ‘The only thing I can smell is smoke and spent gunpowder. Then again, I have had a cold since I fell in the Thames.’
‘I can smell it now!’ said Dick Turnip, taking a deep breath. ‘Delicious, isn’t it? I wonder where it’s coming from?’
‘I can smell it, too,’ said Nick, licking his li
ps. ‘lt’s making me feel really hungry! I love food, I do!’
‘Yes, so do I!’ said Captain Codswallop, patting his tummy. ‘What’s your favourite?’
‘Well?’ said Nick, ‘I’m rather partial to my mum’s steak and kidney pudding, she does it with—’
‘Excuse me, gentlemen!’ said Norris. ‘It may have escaped your attention, but we just happen to be in the middle of a life-or-death battle. The Spaniards are probably reloading at this very moment!’
‘He’s right, you know!’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘We’d better do the same!’
As they crammed the last of the ‘ammunition’ into the sizzling-hot barrel of a cannon, Norris said, ‘That’s odd!’
‘What’s odd?’ said Dick.
‘The Spanish still haven’t started firing,’ said Norris. ‘I’d have thought they’d be trying to blast us out of the water by now. I wonder what can be keeping them?’
‘You’re right!’ said Dick. ‘They’re suspiciously quiet, aren’t they?’
‘There are some noises coming from their boats,’ said Nick. ‘Listen!’
‘Shooting starfish!’ cried Captain Codswallop. ‘I can hear cutlasses being rattled. And muskets being fired! The Spaniards must be preparing to board us!’
‘I don’t think they are, cap’n,’ said Norris. ‘It sounds more like they’re rattling knives and forks and pulling corks from bottles.’
‘You’re right!’ said Dick. ‘If I didn’t know better, I’d say they’d stopped for lunch.’
‘Stopped for lunch!?’ spluttered the captain. ‘But that’s impossible! They’re in the middle of a battle. Hmmmm! I wish I knew what that delicious smell was.’
Now that the smoke from the gunpowder had drifted away, the tempting smell was even stronger. Dick and Nick were almost swooning with hunger as the mouthwatering aromas floated across the water, and the pirates were licking their lips and saying things like, ‘Cor I’m absolutely starving I am!’ and ‘That’s the perfectest pong I’ve ever set my nostrils on!’
Even Norris got a whiff of it now. ‘Cor! It really is yummy, isn’t it?’ he said, and suddenly had an idea. He picked up Captain Codswallop’s telescope and peered towards the admiral’s flagship. An astonishing sight met his eye. All over the admiral’s ship and the other galleons, the Spaniards were sitting at long tables and tucking into what was obviously a very tasty lunch.
They seemed to have completely forgotten about the battle they’d been fighting only five minutes earlier.
‘Well, I never!’ Norris gasped. ‘You were right, Dick! The Spaniards have stopped for lunch!’
‘Here, let me have a look!’ said the captain, taking the telescope and putting it to his own eye. ‘Well, splice my braces and jiggle my jib!’ he exclaimed. ‘Whatever it is, they’re shovelling it down like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve never heard of anything like this before, especially in the middle of a sea battle! Then again, that admiral was a bit of a strange cove. Two spars short of a mizzen mast, if you ask me!’
‘Talking of him!’ said Norris. ‘There’s a boat putting out from his flagship at this very moment! It’s flying a white napkin, too. And Admiral Don Alfonso De Torremolinos is on board. He’s looking very pleased with himself. What on ocean can he want?’
Chapter Eleven
Three minutes later, Admiral Don Alfonso De Torremolinos’s rowing boat arrived at the Grumpy Roger. As his sailors tied a mooring rope to the pirate ship, he grinned up at Captain Codswallop and said, ‘Greetings, my good friend, Sir Fancy Drinks. May I be coming aboard, please? I am promising you I will not be giving you any panky-hanky. Cross my harp and hope to fry!’
He waved a white handkerchief at Captain Codswallop and grinned again.
‘Well I suppose so,’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘But you better watch it! We’re armed to the teeth. And we’re very, very fierce!’
‘Sir Fancy,’ said Admiral Don Alfonso de Torremolinos, as he climbed aboard the Grumpy Roger and grasped Captain Codswallop by the hand. ‘My men and me have just beens gobblings the tastiest, nicestest blanket we have ever enjoyed in our whole lives!’
‘There you go, Norris,’ whispered Captain Codswallop. ‘I told you he was as barmy as a barnacle. They’ve been eating their own blinking bedclothes!’
‘Actually I think he means banquet, cap’n,’ said Norris.
‘Yes, that is it … banquet!’ cried Admiral Torremolinos. ‘It was a feast fit for kings! And now we have come for the peas!’
‘We ‘aven’t got any blinkin’ peas,’ said Captain Codswallop.
‘I think he means the peace,’ said Norris. ‘It looks like he wants to call a truce.’
‘Yes, that is it. You are right, little curly-top cabin bunny,’ said Admiral Torremolinos, patting Norris on the head. ‘We are no more the fightings with you. We is lovings you for the wonderful, tasty banquet gift you have sended to us! And now we is finished for ever the big up-punch. We is now shookings your hand and givings you bigs, bigs kissings!’
And with that the admiral put his arms around Captain Codswallop and gave him a big hug followed by a long, sloppy kiss on both cheeks. The captain went bright red and the Turnip brothers and the crew of the Grumpy Roger started to snigger.
Big tears were now rolling down the admiral’s cheeks. He put his hands on the captain’s shoulders and said, ‘Sir Fancy Drinks, you is givings us the too much kindness and we is lovings you. We have been goings alls over the world and doing the fightings with the Toms, Diegos and Heinrichs. But you is the firsts peoples what is kind enough to be givings us the lunches in the middles of the battle. And what a scrummy up-nosh it is being! Yum, yum, yummy, yum, yum! Talkings about tasty! My mens is lickings their tums and pattings their lips and doings the big burpings! They is much happy. What is you calling the beautifully cooked fishes with the scrummy, hot, golden vegetables slivers what we is puttings in our mouths and then goings to heavens?’
The captain looked totally bewildered and said, ‘Err, I haven’t the foggiest?’
Quick-thinking Norris coughed, then swiftly said, ‘What the captain means is that we’ve not decided yet, Admiral Torremolinos. It’s an exciting new recipe that we’ve just invented in honour of you and your brave fighting men and, quite naturally, we wanted you to be the first to taste it. We’re delighted you enjoyed it!’
‘Certainly did!’ said the admiral, as he took the captain’s hand and shook it firmly. ‘So I am now givings you the adios. We are goings away now. We are not doings the fightings on you Hinglish no mores. You is our friendships.
‘You is too kindness to be the anemones. And wherever we is goings, we will be tellings all the peoples over the world about this great English scrummy up-nosh made of the beautifully cooked fishes with the scrummy, hot, golden vegetables slivers.’ Then he cleared his throat and, looking slightly embarrassed, added, ‘But before we is goings we is stills a bit peckishes. Could you be sending the seconds? Just a tinsy blastings please?’
•
The crew of the Grumpy Roger had just delivered a final blast of lunch to the Spanish fleet and waved them farewell when they heard a beep, beep noise.
Captain Codswallop scanned the ocean with his telescope and spotted Ginger Hale in his rowing boat. He was grinning from ear to ear, waving madly and pointing over his shoulder. The entire English Navy was following him. They were coming to the rescue. They needn’t have bothered though, the Spanish Armada was just disappearing over the horizon and the pirates were already busily tidying up after the battle.
‘We’re for it now!’ said Dick Turnip, with a worried glance towards the approaching English war fleet. ‘The moment that lot arrive, me and Nick are bound to be arrested and taken before the queen!’
‘You’re right, Dick!’ said Nick, looking around in panic. ‘And this time, we’ve nowhere to run!’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t worry,’ said Norris, with a reassuring smile. ‘Once Queen Elizabeth finds out that you’ve helped see off the Span
iards, she’ll be only too happy to forget about your little mistake.’
‘I’m sure Norris is right, lads,’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘After all, he’s been right about everything else, hasn’t he?’
As the last of the Spanish galleons’ sails disappeared from sight, Norris picked up one of the brown, lumpy objects and examined it thoughtfully. He had a strange feeling that something very important had just taken place. Something so important that it would still be remembered and talked about in hundreds of years’ time. ‘Do you realise what’s just happened, cap’n?’ he said to Captain Codswallop.
‘Yes I do, Norris, I do!’ said the captain. ‘I’ve just been kissed by the admiral of the Armada. And I’m not too happy about it!’
‘No, cap’n, not that!’ said Norris. ‘This is far more important!’
‘What, Norris?’ exclaimed Captain Codswallop, looking rather bewildered.
‘Two great events in British History have just taken place!’ said Norris. ‘And it’s all thanks to us!’
‘Is it?’ said Captain Codswallop, raising his eyebrows in amazement.
‘Yes, cap’n, it is!’ said Norris proudly. ‘Do you realise that we have just been responsible for the defeat of the mighty Spanish Armada?’
‘Have we?’ said Captain Codswallop. ‘Wow!’
‘But that’s not all, cap’n!’ continued Norris.
‘Isn’t it?’ said the captain, beginning to look confused again.
‘No it’s not,’ said Norris. ‘We have also done something else. While we were bravely doing battle with that terrifying war fleet, we also invented a delicious meal, consisting of cooked fish served with hot, golden fragments of these brown, lumpy things. I have the strange feeling that in years to come this dish will become famous throughout the land. One day, in the not-too-distant future, shops will open in every town and village, just to sell this scrumptious nosh.’
‘Cor!’ said Captain Codswallop.
‘The only thing is,’ added Norris. ‘I’ve no idea what the new dish will be called.’
