by Shannon West
It had always been my experience that when someone tells you they “care” about you, it's the kiss of death.
“I’m flattered, Kade. I really am,” he’d said, over explaining. “And I find you attractive too. Hell, I think you’re gorgeous. You have to know that. But I don’t want to screw up what we have by sleeping together.” He said a lot of other things—words that I allowed to kind of wash over me. He said he liked me a lot, that he more than liked me, really. He loved me like a brother, but inevitably—because he wanted children—that if we started up a romance, things would end between us one day, and then we’d find it impossible to stay friends. Male omegas existed, of course, but not every pack had them. They weren't exactly rare, but they were scarce, or at least they were in our pack. We hadn't had one for seventy some years.
“And besides,” he said, “you're too much of a player. You'd get bored with a full-time relationship and eventually want to move on to some other guy, and it would be over. Then it would be almost impossible for us to work together. Our relationship would be ruined, and there's just no way it would work out. You know I’m right.”
Logan kept saying that same thing over and over, as if by repeating it enough times, he could force me to believe it too. But that wasn't his only objection.
“I’m a few years older than you, and I’m looking for stability in a relationship now. I’m ready to settle down, and I’m through playing around. I want something I can build on, and the thing is...well, the thing is I’d like to start a family, and I know I can’t have that with you. Not the way you like to move from guy to guy.” He held up a hand to stop my protests. “I know there are surrogates, and we could adopt, but I'm traditional, and so is this pack. I need my own child together with my mate. And the only way I can do that is to find myself an omega female. Besides all that, you’re kind of wild, Kade. You know you are. Your longest relationship since I’ve known you was three months, and every male in this pack has, at one time or another, given you long, brooding looks letting you know they're interested. And I've seen you looking back at more than a few of them. Then there are all those guys you flirt with when we go down to one of the clubs. I want someone I can count on, and I'm sorry, but that’s just not you. You’re my beta and my best friend. I love you like a brother, and I'd just like to keep it that way.”
It was brutal, if honest, though I guess he tried to be kind about it—if you can do that while explaining to someone that you’re not only not their type, but that you can't ever give them what they want, and oh, by the way, you're also way too much of a slut to even consider. He thought my feelings for him weren’t serious, and I didn’t know how to convince him otherwise. Basically, I was too hurt and too stubborn to even try.
We were at a stalemate, and I had seriously been wondering if I should leave the pack, even though it would kill me. I didn’t think I could hang around until he found that “stability” he was looking for in another relationship, until he had a “family.” I couldn’t watch that. Masochism just wasn’t my thing.
On this particular night, though, I was supposed to be going on a run with him and some others in the pack to the top of the mountain to do some star-gazing. I knew he was worried about the distance I had been putting between us since my confession of love for him had been shot down in flames, and he was trying to normalize things between us again. Maybe he thought that by going on this run and doing other activities together like we'd always done in the past, we could get back to where we used to be. Just two buddies. Compadres. Friends. Chums. No, brothers. That's what he said he wanted from me. Brotherhood. It wasn’t going to happen, though, and things would never be the way they were before. He just hadn't realized it yet, or if he had, he didn't want to admit it.
Still, I looked forward to this run tonight almost as much as I dreaded it. I loved him, damn it, and craved his attention. He was a gorgeous man, but his wolf was really something to see. Solid white, with a tendency to look silver in the moonlight, he had a big, muscular body that translated to his wolf. It was a magnificent beast, standing at least four feet tall at the shoulder with a massive head and shoulders, strong body, and long, perfect legs. My own wolf was black and not quite as large, but he was handsome and sleek. We made a formidable pair, and our pack was proud to follow us into a fight.
The bad thing about being in my wolf with him, though, was that his wolf had a way of touching mine and nipping at me and bumping up against me as we ran. He was all up in my space all the time, and I doubted he was even aware of it, because he was feeling excited and his spirits were high. Even when he shifted back, he was always throwing an arm around my shoulders or leaning against me when we sat next to each other. Since we were naked a lot together in those times, it had been getting harder and harder for me to breathe around him.
“Kade! Are you daydreaming in there?” he called through the door. “What the hell's the hold up?”
“I'm coming. Give me a minute.”
Logan hated being kept waiting, but all day, I’d felt kind of “off.” Out of sorts and achy all over, like I was coming down with something. I’d been starving to death all day too, no matter how much I ate, and I’d been raiding the kitchen and eating so much sugary junk that I felt a little sick. But it was nothing, I figured, that a run under the stars wouldn't fix. I just needed to shake off the funk I was in and get out of my own mind. I finished zipping up the black jeans that fit me like a second skin, noticing as I did that I was a little bloated. I pulled on a black t-shirt and tried to wet down the damn black curls that kept popping up on my head no matter how I tried to whip them into shape. I hated the curls and usually just cut my hair ruthlessly to get rid of them, but I hadn't had time to get to the barber in a while. I had apparently inherited the curly hair from my mother, who looked much more Caucasian than the rest of the pack. Most of them had the appearance of being vaguely Native American. We weren't, but many in the pack had straight dark hair, high cheekbones and deep brown eyes, along with the slightly darker skin.
As a final touch that night, I slipped on my black leather cowboy boots and stood for a moment looking at myself in the mirror. I'd be taking it all off again as soon as we shifted, but some stupid, hopeful part of me still wanted Logan to see me and think I looked good. Like I said, it was stupid--I knew it--I just couldn't seem to stop.
As for Logan, though he was a walking wet dream, with gorgeous, chiseled features, he didn’t care much about clothes. When he came in my room, his delectable ass had been encased in jeans that he probably paid less than thirty bucks for, and a simple, cheap, blue t-shirt clung to his wide shoulders and was tight around his biceps. Unlike most of us in the pack, his hair was chestnut, with definite streaks of auburn, and his eyes were an unusual shade of green. Like my mother, his father looked more European. He and Logan's grandfather, as well as Logan himself, had the same color eyes that, in the pack, we called Grady green.
He also had the solid, rippling muscle of some alphas, and it bears repeating that he was fucking gorgeous. But he was also totally, uncompromisingly, undeniably not into me. He couldn’t have made it any clearer, and I knew I had to accept it or move on. I was solidly in the friend category and I could take it or leave it.
I had pretty much decided that for my own sanity, I was going to have to leave it. On Monday morning, I was going in to talk to my dad and tell him I had to clear out and find a new pack, and it was tearing me up inside. He wasn't going to understand, and he wouldn't go with me. He would tell me I was crazy, and I dreaded the argument we were going to have. I sighed and stepped out of the bathroom.
“How much did you pay for those damn jeans?” he asked as I walked out to the living room. “And those fucking boots? I swear to God, Kade, you spend too much money on clothes and hair products. One of these days it’s gonna come back and bite you right in the ass.”
“Then that’s when I’ll worry about it. Come on, let’s go. I thought you said you were anxious to get started.”
I laughed. “Well, that's a good thing, I guess. I have no idea what you're smelling.”
“Huh.” His hand lingered on my shoulder as he leaned down to sniff me again. This close I could smell his warm scent, musky and all alpha. I couldn't help inhaling him.
He stepped back a little, looking puzzled. “What is that?”
“Beats me. I'm not wearing any cologne. Come on, let's go or we'll be late.”
He hesitated a moment, then shook his head. “Okay, you're right. Are you feeling any better?”
“Oh yeah, I caught a nap this afternoon. I guess I must be coming down with something or whatever. I feel fine now.” I didn’t, really, but I knew he wouldn’t let me stay home alone. If I said I felt under the weather, and I’d like a quiet night in front of the TV, he’d stay too. And though he’d bitch about it, he’d be kind and solicitous and break my heart with every sweet word that came out of his mouth. Maybe it was because he could feel me pulling away, but he’d been extra nice to me since he’d turned down my unwanted advances. He’d been acting strange lately and watching me when he thought I wasn’t looking, with an odd, worried expression. And for the last few days, he'd been sniffing at me, like he did tonight, and looking puzzled when I said the only scent I had must be my soap or shampoo. I didn't have any better explanation for it than that.
We both needed to go out and have a little fun, one last time, I thought to myself, breaking my heart with the words. Like a sore tooth, I had to keep touching the idea to see how much it hurt.
“Okay, then,” he said. “Let's do this.”
We went down into the main area of the lodge and asked the people sitting around or reading or watching TV if they'd like to go with us. We got a few takers, including some of the teens, both male and female, and soon we were standing outside on the wide front porch, talking excitedly and waiting for Logan to strip. He was our alpha, so we always looked to him for direction. He looked around at the group, and I knew he was mentally cataloguing who was there and their strengths and weaknesses. The old and young pack members who might be slower, or the wild young males he would have to be stern with so they'd keep up with us and not go off on an adventure of their own. The young omega females who liked to flirt and drive the wild young males even wilder. One of them, Emalia, had developed quickly, but was still really young, like thirteen. Logan and I had been watching her closely, because she'd already had her first heat, but was far too young to mate.
I knew that he'd told a few of the young males to gather some wood up on the top of the mountain this morning so that after we hunted and ate, we could shift back and have a bonfire. If they followed their usual pattern, they took up some bottles of liquor too. I noticed a few of them sniffing the air as I got close to them too, and then glancing over at me and looking puzzled. I had no idea what was going on with any of them. I didn't smell a thing.
Logan put back his head and gave a long, undulating howl, then shifted, after which the rest of us joined in. Then with a playful nip at my flank, Logan bounded toward the mountain trail that would take us to the top of the mountain on our property. We called it Wolf's Ridge, and if it had another name, I didn't know it. He was right behind me, biting at my ass all the way to the ridge.
I felt strong and powerful, but still a little odd, and several of the males in our group were trailing me, bumping up against me. I wondered what their problem was. They were all seriously getting on my nerves. I put on some speed and ran ahead of them, following Logan closely. The new moon was there in the sky, a faint outline of silver, low in the western sky. Humans wouldn't be able to see it, at least not without special lenses or equipment and a lot of moon-photography experience. But it affected us, like the moon always did, filling us with joy and excitement.
The wind was cool and crisp, but I was still warm with exertion by the time we'd raced to the top. One by one, the pack members began following the scent of the game in the woods, and soon we were all hunting alongside each other, some of us breaking off to chase and capture our quarry. We were always closest at these times to being pure wolf. Time had a different meaning to us then, so I'm not sure how long we hunted under the nighttime stars, but after a time, I became aware again that the others had started shifting back and returning to their human forms, some of them drifting toward the edge of the lookout and flopping down on their backs in the grass to gaze up at the light show the stars were putting on for us. A few were more interested in each other and began making out, wrapped up in each other's arms. I saw Emalia surrounded by three young males and sent them on their way, reminding them that her father would take pleasure in killing them if they mated her so young. Not to mention what Logan would do. She moved on and joined some other young girls who were dancing naked in the starlight.
Soon the activity seemed to take everyone over—wolves were an amorous and lusty bunch. But to be absolutely honest, none of the ones there really floated my boat that night, though several of them approached me. I’d been with quite a few of them in the past, the males anyway. I liked females, but for sex, it had always been males for me. And to be even more honest, I never seemed to find anyone in our pack who met my standards, or at least not for long. The only man I was truly interested in, the only man I really wanted, had already let me know he wasn’t interested, in no uncertain terms, and he was the shining ideal I held up in my mind against everyone else. I just needed to find a way to get over him, get my stupid brain to realize he didn't want me, and get on with my life.
So, on this night, while Logan ran under the stars and howled at the moon with the rest of the pack, I found a lonely place to sit, with my back against the rocks, staring up at the sky and not being very encouraging when anyone tried to approach me. And then one of the younger guys came over and dropped down beside me, offering me a flask. I turned to him in surprise.
“How did you manage to bring that along? Or did you have it stashed up here already?”
He laughed. “Yeah, a few of us came up here this morning and brought some wood for a bonfire. We brought along a little something to keep us hydrated too, if you know what I mean.”
“Logan won't like it.”
“We asked him first. He said, just so long as none of us overindulged, he didn't see anything wrong with it.”
“In that case...” I took the flask from him and turned it up. It was full of good Tennessee whiskey and before too long, I wasn’t watching Logan’s fine ass anymore as he put his arm around the waist or shoulders of one good looking omega female after another as he stood beside them watching the fire. Not too much, anyway. After an hour or so, I was starting to not be able to feel my face anymore, which was always a bad sign. Or a good one, depending on how you looked at it.
Logan came over and plopped down beside me, reaching over to take a sip from the flask I'd kept with me, and he made a face. “Damn, that’s strong, Kade. Maybe you need to drink a little less.”
“Or maybe you need to drink a little more,” I said, taking the flask back and turning it up. I gave him a big wink, or tried to. I think instead of a wink, I just closed both eyes and blinked at him, because he laughed at me and said, “You’re cute when you’re drunk.” He thought I was cute? I smiled because it made my night. Which was sad on so many levels, but I loved him, so I grinned back at him.
“Come on, Logan,” I said. “Lighten up and have a drink with me.”
“All right,” he said, leaning back against my rock. “Maybe I will.”
I remember passing Logan the flask, and some of the pack coming over and bringing more. I remember him drinking and laughing beside me. But things got a little hazy after that. I vaguely remembered dancing, too, getting up and twirling around under the stars, dancing to the music that may have only been in my head. And I remember being groped by more than one set of hands.
Then it all became a big blur. The next thing I really remembered was waking up in the woods on a bed of pine straw with daylight breaking around me. I raised up my throbbing head to see Logan lying beside me, peacefully snoring, his legs tangled around mine and one arm slung across my waist.
I was so shocked I almost yelped out loud. I stuffed a fist in my mouth and knuckled my eyes, and as my vision began to clear, I saw that we were in a little clearing, all alone. My next horrified realization was that I was naked, and my sore ass and the skin between my thighs were covered in a sticky substance, and I knew exactly what that was. My ass had been thoroughly fucked, and pretty recently. And from how sore it was, I was sure I'd been knotted. Something only an alpha could do.
Horrified, I gently eased up on one elbow to sneak a look at Logan, and fuck, he was naked, too, his big, beautiful cock now lying flaccid and tranquil against his thigh. I eased away from him, feeling scared, with my heart about to thump out of my chest. If Logan woke up and realized we’d not only slept naked together, but apparently, we had, at some point during the night, had sex—and what looked like copious sex from the amount of semen coating my ass and the backs of my thighs—then I was dead. Our friendship would be history, and he’d never speak to me again. God, how could we have both gotten so drunk and allowed this to happen? I'd been, of course, wanting to make love to him, but not like this, in some kind of drunken free-for-all. And when he realized what had happened, he wouldn't be pleased. Not at all. He might even blame me, and maybe I did come onto him. I simply couldn't remember.
I could hear and smell other pack members around us in the woods, so I quickly shifted back into my wolf and ran all the way back to the lodge. I grabbed my clothes off the porch, pulled them on and made it up to my room, closing the door softly behind me. It was still early, so no one saw me, and I prayed that Logan wouldn’t remember much about what happened the night before. If he asked any questions, I’d just lie and say I woke up alone in the clearing, got cold, and went home.
