Suppose, friend, that I had to confront you about something. What would be my needs? I would probably want to make sure that you’re not going to reject me. I would want to make sure that you’re not going to blow up in my face. So my tendency might be to soften and water down what I am saying, because my real bottom line is that I don’t want us to have an explosion. That is not really loving you. In order to confront in love, I must forget about my needs to be loved and accepted, and make sure that what you hear is filtered only by kindness. Genuine love reminds me not to act unbecomingly. But at the same time, I’m not going to walk away having only said half of the truth. It’s going to get said, because love makes sure that it all gets said. “Love does not seek its own.”
What happens when we love this way?
When you love someone this way, be prepared, because the person may not appreciate you at first. She may respond angrily. And my response, if it’s with love—will not be provoked. So, after I have graciously spoken the whole truth, if you fly off the handle and say, “Who are you to tell me this? What about your life!?” I’m not going to get into that with you. I will go to my knees and get my heart to a good place, so that no matter how angry you get, I’m not going to be provoked.
Paul’s list is tracking how genuine love gets treated sometimes. So he adds, love “does not take into account a wrong suffered.” As I go to speak truth to a person—before I go to take action—I must remember that I may have been injured by the person’s sin. The text indicates I’m not going to unload on the person because he has hurt me. I will deal with all that before I ever get to the person; I will really exercise forgiveness. Wives who have something difficult to tell to their husbands need to get it said, but first they must get their hearts to a good place so that as they confront, they’re not just venting a wrong suffered. That won’t produce anything good, and certainly not biblical love.
Get those hurt feelings dealt with in prayer and good counsel from a trusted friend. Get your own pain behind you, so that you’re really coming only for the good of the person that you’re going to. That’s love in action. And it’s powerful. If you would become that person, God could use your life greatly, because there are precious few people in this world who really love people enough to take compassionate action.
How much of this should I expect to do?
You might think as you read the above that there are a lot of those confrontations in life. Not so. If you were to list a hundred things that could possiy require confronting your boss, your spouse, or your neighbor, maybe three things on that list could fit the category we just called major. The other ninety-seven things come under category two: They are minors. They only irritate you and me because of our own sinfulness and our own pride. We are so prone to take minor molehills and make them into major mountains, and it’s in that soil that a critical spirit can flourish and grow.
ABOUT THE MINOR ISSUES
Here’s the major principle for dealing with minor issues: On the minors—acceptance. By minors we mean personal preference, personality differences, even sin issues that are not critical or chronic. It’s essential that followers of Christ be the most accepting, nonprejudiced, nonfaultfinding, noncritical people on the face of the earth. Again, 97 percent of life’s issues are minor: little irritations; the differences between me and you; and she-thinks-like-this-but-I-don’t-see-it-thatway, and he’s-a-little-different-kind-of-a-person-than-me, and no-way-did-he-handle-that-totally-properly. Each of these is not an issue of right and wrong. We are different people, and we handle things differently. Most of the things that are breaking down marriages, that are breaking down friendships, and that are causing you problems with the person that you work for are not major—they’re minor things! In those contexts, love learns to accept the person with his failures. Love doesn’t deny the irritation; it simply recognizes that the one I love is far more important than my own desire to live an irritant-free life. On the majors—action. But on the minors—most things—acceptance.
SPOTTING THE MINORS
By minors, we mean matters of personal preference. “Well, I would do it this way”; “Well, I really prefer this.” We need to spot the minors and leave them alone. Here are some minors that masquerade as majors:
-- Musical taste. Churches all over the country are splitting over musical preference. “I don’t like drums.” “Hymns are too old-fashioned.” Get a grip! It’s just personal preference! It’s a minor thing; it’s not a major thing.
-- Personality differences. We’re all unique. Some of you are really unique. If you ever meet me, you’ll probably think I’m pretty strange. That’s OK! The sad thing is that we resent and criticize each others’ weaknesses while God “will rejoice over [us] with shouts of joy” (Zephaniah 3:17).
-- Cultural differences. One of the healthiest experiences we can have as Christians is to visit other cultures to worship and live with believers. In those contexts, we discover that what we think is superspirituality is a pretty superficial collection of “dos and don’ts” that add up to a lot of minors and don’t really address essential issues of life and faith. Even sin issues—hear me—can be minor things we should accept in each other. Pray for others about the minor things. Turn them over to God. “God’s at work in her life.” “God’s going to change him.” If it’s not a critical path, if it’s not a chronic problem, if it’s not in close proximity to you—maybe you just ought to accept and pray for the person, meanwhile praying for Holy Spirit conviction. As they say, “Let go and let God.”
It’s essential that the followers of Christ be the most accepting people on the face of the earth. The world desperately needs to see Jesus, and we’re the only picture they get. We should be the most loving, accepting people in the world. Often we’re not, but we should be. On the minors—you see it here in the text—acceptance. Just look at verse 4, “Love is patient.” Let the wind of that beautiful breeze blow across your mind. Love is patient. It waits for people to change. Love is long-tempered; God help us! Love is persistently compassionate in the face of opposition.
ONE OF MY HEROES
By now you know I admire the life of President Abraham Lincoln. One of his earliest political enemies, Edwin M. Stanton, was extremely harsh and critical. In one speech, he called Lincoln a “low cunning clown.” He also called Lincoln “the original gorilla.” In fact, in another speech Stanton said, “It was ridiculous for people to go to Africa to see a gorilla when they could find one just as easily in Springfield, Illinois.” How hurtful would that be if that was said publicly about you? Yet Lincoln never responded to that slander. He never spoke a word against him. He never retaliated. He never criticized him! Why? Because love is patient.
But that’s not all; “Love is kind,” as well (verse 4). This means:
-- Not just passive endurance, but active goodwill.
-- Not just passively accepting people, but actively accepting people.
-- Not just standing on the other side of the room and saying, “She drives me nuts, so I’m going to just steer clear of her,” but actually going across the room and finding ways physically or in conversation to embrace that very person.
Love is kind. It looks for ways to express acceptance to people that we might otherwise choose to be targets of our criticism.
THE REST OF THE STORY
Lincoln never responded to Edwin M. Stanton, who attacked him repeatedly. He refused to reciprocate the slander. But when he was elected president and he needed a secretary of war, guess whom he chose? He chose Edwin M. Stanton, the man who heartlessly defamed and disgraced Lincoln. When his incredulous friends asked Lincoln why he had made this choice, he said, “Because he is the best man.”
Years later, as the slain president’s body lay in state, Edwin M. Stanton looked into the coffin and said through his tears, “There lies the greatest ruler of men the world has ever seen.” 1 His animosity was finally broken by Lincoln’s long-suffering, nonretaliatory spirit. Love is patient, kind, and a po
werful antidote to a critical attitude.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Is someone injuring you? Has someone chosen a place of opposition in your life? How have you been responding? Have your attitude choices taken you to the dry and deserted wasteland that we call the wilderness? Do you want to get out of the wilderness? Do you want to get victory over that critical spirit? Displace a critical spirit with an attitude of love! Move toward those people who are hurting you and injuring you and, in the power of God’s Spirit and in the fullness that only He can give, love those people!
Love them and watch God bring a powerful victory that heals and makes whole in a way that we never could. On the majors—action. On the minors—acceptance. Verse 4 also tells us that love “is not jealous.” Often the greatest obstacle to putting off a critical spirit is when those around us seem to prosper more than we do. “I was fine with her until she got . . .” “I was fine with him until . . .” How do you handle the successes of the people whom you love? Love is not jealous. Love says:
-- I accept you even when you are more successful than me.
-- Even when you are more prominent than me.
-- Even when you are more recognized and more rewarded than me.
-- I am for you. I have always been for you.
-- I rejoice in your success and will not let a jealous outlook sour my love.
-- I accept your prosperity—no, I revel in your prosperity because I love you I will not be caught up in a jealous spirit.
As hard as that is, the next phrase in the definition of love is even harder. What about when you’re the successful person? Can you continue to love people, or do you leave them behind? “Love does not brag and is not arrogant,” Paul explained. “Well, we used to be close, but I have a little more in this world. He’s not as important to me as he used to be.” No! Instead, I say,“I accept you even when you are less successful than me, even when you are less prominent, less recognized, less rewarded. I will not make you uncomfortable by boasting in my success. I will not highlight my life in any way that embarrasses or belittles you.”
LOVE ON THE BASKETBALL COURT
I got a great blessing recently from my son Landon and one of his closest friends, Michael Muller (who, with his family, attends Harvest Bible Chapel). The two were trying out for the seventh-grade basketball team. It’s called the Feeder Program. All the interested junior high kids who were planning to go to a certain high school tried out for the team. Forty went. On Thursday night, the coach would cut the practice roster to twenty. On Friday, he’d cut it down to just twelve. So I just knew that there wasn’t a strong possibility that Landon was going to make this team. But off went both of them to the tryouts.
The next day, the players were supposed to phone for the results. Each kid had a number—Michael’s was 13, Landon’s, 12— and the phone message listed the numbers of the kids who had made the first cut. So, during the Friday lunch hour at school, Michael and Landon were on the phone, together. They both wanted to make the team so much. The recorded voice announced that the following people should report to practice that evening: “Number 1, number 2, number 3, number 4, number 6, number 8, number 9, number 11, number 13. . . .” Michael made the first cut; Landon didn’t.
When Landon came home, he shed some disappointment tears and we talked. He said, “You know, Dad, as soon as we hung up the phone, Michael turned to me and said, ‘Landon, you’re a better basketball player than I am. You should have made the cut. And if you don’t want me to go to this practice tonight, I won’t even go.’”
Landon turned to him and said, “Do you know what? I want you to go. I hope that you make the team.”
Ding! That’s love for sure, and I was amazed and thankful for the maturity of their responses. When you love the people in your life, there is no way in the world that you’re going to let your success or their success get in the way.
HANDLE THE MINORS WITH ACCEPTANCE
Verse 7 is a good summary of acceptance: Love “bears all things, believes all things.” Love bears the weight of misunderstanding, and it defends the heart. Love finds itself saying on a regular basis, “That’s not what she meant.” It believes the best about the other person. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s not why he did that.”
When Jesus said, “Judge not lest you be judged,” He was specifically dealing with motives. Of course, we have to judge actions. What we’re not to judge are motives. We don’t know why people do what they do.
Don’t ever say, “I know why she’s up there. I know why he does that.” You probably do not. When you hear somebody criticizing someone you love, just say, “I don’t believe that, and I won’t believe it until I check with him myself.”
Love always believes the best about people. Love bears all things, believes all things, and love “hopes all things” (verse 7). Love sees people not as tey are, but as they will be by God’s grace. Wouldn’t it be great if God could just download that into your church? Then we would not see each other as we are today, but as God is making us. We’re not the people that we were. God is changing all of us. What’s the last item in the definition of love? Love “endures all things” (verse 7). Endure is actually a military term. It means that we drive a stake in the ground. Isn’t that great? It’s like, I will stand my ground loving you. You can retreat if you want, but I’m never going back from this place right here. I’m going to be there for you. In his book Love, Acceptance, and Forgiveness, Jerry Cook describes a church out in Washington State that grew in fourteen years to more than four thousand people. The book is a story of a commitment, and it includes the commitment people at that church made to each other. It moves me every time I read it:
You will never knowingly suffer at my hands. I will never say anything or do anything knowingly to hurt you. I will always, in every circumstance, seek to help and support you. If you’re down and I can lift you up—I’ll do that. If you need something and I have it, I’ll share it with you. If I need to, I’ll give it to you. No matter what I find out about you, no matter what happens in the future—either good or bad—my commitment to you will never change. And there is nothing you can do about it. 2
Wow! When believers are willing to make that kind of commitment to each other, they are going to be a powerful force for God.
KEEP THE MAJORS AND THE MINORS IN PERSPECTIVE
This may seem obvious, but the overriding attitude that keeps the majors and the minors in their proper place is the third point in our 1 Corinthians 13 summary: In all things, love. Paul expresses the big picture in these words, “Love never fails” (verse 8). Not wishy-washy sentimentalism and not harsh brutality, but truth and love—perfectly combined—God’s selfless love. That kind of love never fails. Never! A poem that I’m quite fond of says this:
Of the themes that men have known
One supremely stands alone.
Love is the theme, Love is supreme.
Sweeter it grows, glory bestows.
Bright as the sun, ever it glows.
Love is the theme,
The eternal theme.
-- AUTHOR UKNOWN
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL
When Kathy and I started Harvest Bible Chapel, we’d been praying, “God, we’ll go anywhere You want us to go, but we want to stay wherever You send us. We want to put our roots down deeply.” God has answered that prayer with twelve wonderful years in the same church, with dreams for many more.
I don’t normally do the baptisms in our services. We have others who can serve in that way. But I specifically did the baptisms in one service recently because there was a young boy who, nine years earlier, I had dedicated as a little baby in a Sunday worship service. Now he was getting baptized. That’s doing life together. That’s walking with people through the passages of life. And by God’s grace, I would lov e to stand at the front of the church someday when that young man makes a vow to spend his entire lifetime with one woman.
Making that kind of lifetime commitment
to one church can be very difficult for a pastor and his wife. As for my own character formation, the leaders and most of the people at Harvest have no illusions about me. They know where I am strong and where God’s still got a lot of work to do. There’s no use trying to fake it, because people know who I really am.
Many times I have been tted to pick up life’s lessons, take my family, and start over somewhere else. You know, be on a new page where the weaknesses I have left behind could be just that—behind! But in my heart I know that is a compromise of the vision God has given our fellowship. Biblical community means learning to really love one another. When ministering here has brought messages to us that we didn’t want to hear, we have chosen to remain under the pressure and love one another through the pain of personal change, because that is what the body of Christ is really all about.
How thankful I am for a fellowship of believers who have embraced that vision. It’s also been heartbreaking at times to see others who signed up for the same vision and stuck with it until the truth had to do with them. Too often, they have walked away as they did from Jesus’ ministry, saying, “This is a hard saying; who can [accept] it?” (John 6:60 NKJV). But I have come to embrace that pain as part of the price that must be paid to build a church seeking to experience all that 1 Corinthians 13 really teaches. It’s the kind of love that unbelievers will wake up and watch because they have never seen it before. “By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you . . .” What? Teach them? Help them? No, “ . . . if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).
A FINAL THOUGHT
The promise is that love will never fail. Think about the implications of the promise that God is making in this verse. He is saying, “Love will never fail! If you will embrace with your whole heart what it means to love another person . . .” Ultimately, God’s love will not fail.
You may say, “But my husband . . . or my wife...” But if you will love him or her, God will use that. Love will never fail. Love will never fail to accomplish God’s highest and best purposes. If the thing goes south, it wasn’t because of love. Love always takes things to a better place. If you will pursue it with your whole heart and embrace the people in your life as they are—warts and all—even when they hurt you, God will use that. Love will never fail—not at work, at home, nor in the church. Where can you take me in Scripture to a better promise than that? Love never fails. Never!
Lord, Change My Attitude: Before It's Too Late Page 14
