“For years now I’ve seen you carrying around a heavy blanket of guilt. It’s time you threw it away.”
“Guilt? I don’t—”
Shaking her head, Rose smiled and cupped her daughter’s face in her hands. “Emily, do you remember when your father and I first met? You were thirteen and a little bit wary of me. Until you found out that, like you, I had lost my mother, too.”
Emily nodded. “That was twenty-three years ago, but I remember it like yesterday.” She and her father had moved here from east Texas when Emily had been seven and her birth mother had died. Up until Rose had come into their life, she’d had little female companionship.
“You said we were kindred spirits then,” Rose said. “And I think we still are. That’s why I know how you’ve been feeling. You’ve always believed you let Kenneth down. That you didn’t love him enough. That it was your fault you couldn’t get pregnant. And now I think you even feel guilty about his accident. As though you caused it in some way.”
Emily felt a giant rubber band inside her snap with relief. Still, she murmured, “Like Cooper said, I shouldn’t have let him get on that horse. But I’ve—”
“Emily—”
Emily held up a hand to ward off her mother’s protest. “I’ve decided that whatever I was to Kenneth, I wasn’t his keeper. I couldn’t watch him every moment as though he were an irresponsible child.”
Rose patted her daughter’s hand, then resumed her seat on the bar stool. “Now you’re talking like a sensible woman.”
“I don’t know if I’m sensible or not. But I damn well don’t intend to let Cooper take me down. Not over Kenneth’s death. Not over anything.”
Her expression thoughtful again, Rose said, “You know, when I was around Cooper I always liked him. I just didn’t approve of the way he handled things with you. Is he anything like he used to be?”
Her face grim, Emily said, “Exactly. And I wish he was gone. I wish I never had to see his face again.”
“Well, I’m beginning to think the man ought to hang around. This is the most spunk I’ve seen in you in years.”
Emily let out a harsh laugh. “This isn’t spunk you’re seeing, Mother. It’s fury.”
“Whatever it is, it’s better than the sight of your chin drooping down to your knees.”
“Mom, I really think I should start coming over here and checking on you more often. You’re not acting like yourself.”
With a little knowing smile, Rose left her seat and went to check on the baking pumpkin bread. “Maybe you’re just starting to see things you haven’t seen in a long time, honey.”
“I don’t know why your dad bought you a horse,” Cooper said later that same day as he watched Emily stroke the Appaloosa’s nose. “There’s probably a hundred other things around here you needed more.”
Emily turned to look at him as he walked up to the outside of the wooden corral. “Maybe Daddy gave me the horse because he wanted to give me something I’d like. Rather than something I necessarily needed.”
Cooper pushed his gray hat to the back of his head and propped his forearms over the top rail of the pen. “I guess things haven’t changed as much as I thought around here.”
She walked away from the horse, whose registered name was Native Moon, and over to where Cooper was resting casually against the fence. It was a warm, sunny afternoon. One of those precious last few she expected them to have before winter set in permanently. The sky was brilliant azure and the air carried the fresh biting scent of sage and juniper. It was a day to enjoy and Emily realized for the most part she had enjoyed it. In spite of Cooper Dunn.
“What do you mean by that?” she asked him, while noticing he, too, had shed his jacket and rolled the sleeves of his denim shirt back on his forearms.
“That your daddy still spoils you.”
Emily wasn’t going to allow his remark to anger her. It wasn’t worth ruining the day over. “That’s his right.”
Smiling because she didn’t bother to deny it, he said, “I guess that’s true. But it does make me wonder why he hasn’t stepped in to help you with things here on the ranch before now. I wouldn’t have thought Harlan Hamilton would have allowed his daughter to live on a place like the Diamond D.”
A few days ago Emily would have been insulted by his remarks. But now she could only look at him and wonder and try to imagine what it must have been like growing up on this place and feeling as though he was nothing more than a shadow of his older brother. He’d obviously never been spoiled by William Dunn in any shape or fashion. It was probably hard for him to understand that Harlan still took pleasure in giving his daughter gifts, even though she was thirty-six years old.
“My father never believed in giving me handouts. Not that I would have taken them anyway. And after I married Kenneth he didn’t butt into our business. If I ask him for help, he’s always glad to oblige. But sink or swim, I’d rather make it on my own.”
Considering the present condition of the Diamond D, Cooper thought that a pretty tall rather. If he hadn’t come home, how had she planned on surviving? It didn’t sound as though she’d expected financial help from her parents.
“Did Kenneth have a life insurance policy?”
She frowned at him. “Yes. Why?”
“Just curious,” he said, then tugged his hat down on his forehead.
“Don’t worry. I’m going to put all the money back into the ranch. I wasn’t planning on fluffing it off on designer clothes and jewelry,” she said dryly.
“I wish you would spend it on yourself,” he said earnestly.
Casting him a doubtful look, she said, “Sure you do.”
Her sarcasm stung him. “Do you think I’m that selfish?”
Ten years ago she’d thought he was the most selfish man on earth. While his leg had been mending, he’d given her the impression she, and only she, was all that mattered to him. But as soon as the doctor had given him his walking papers, he’d started packing. Oh, he’d tried to say he was leaving for her, to come back with enough money to buy them a ranch of their own.
But Emily hadn’t wanted money or another ranch and she’d told him so. The only thing she’d wanted or needed was for them to be together. But he’d turned a deaf ear to her and left in spite of her pleadings. Selfish? The word didn’t begin to describe what she’d thought of him.
“I refuse to answer on the grounds it might incriminate me.”
He frowned at her. “Whatever you might think about me, I don’t want Kenneth’s money. I didn’t even think I wanted my part of this ranch... until the other day when I saw it again.”
“Now that I do believe.”
“And you think it strange I never really tried to make the most of my part of the Diamond D, don’t you?” he asked.
His expression had grown soft as if seeing her face in the sun pleased him and Emily found it very hard to hold his gaze, to accept the warm gentleness in his eyes.
She nodded. “I could never understand you wanting some other ranch. This place is your birthright.”
“I shouldn’t have a birthright,” he said flatly. “My birth caused my mother’s death.”
She hated hearing him say such a horrible thing. He might deserve a guilty conscience for breaking her heart, but he should never feel guilty about his mother’s death.
“You don’t really believe you caused your mother to die.”
He looked away from her and out over the rolling desert hills and distant barren mountains. “My father believed it.”
“Apparently not. He left you half the ranch in his will.”
“Yeah, but he made it clear who he wanted running it.” He looked back at her. “This place has always belonged to someone else. Not me. A man likes to have something of his own, Emily. If you can understand that, maybe you could forgive me for leaving all those years ago.”
Since he’d arrived on the ranch a little over a week and a half ago, he’d never once talked about that time in their lives. And
Emily had decided there was no point in bringing it up. She’d already said enough to make it clear to him how she felt about his long-term absence. As for forgiving him, she couldn’t believe her forgiveness mattered to him one way or the other.
“Oh, I understand perfectly why you left, Cooper.”
The sarcasm in her voice told him she hadn’t been listening to a word he’d said. Not back then. And not now.
But maybe that was for the best, he thought, as he pushed himself away from the fence. That part of their life was over. He needed to coexist with her simply as his sister-in-law and nothing more.
Tugging his hat back down on his forehead, he said, “The App is a beauty. I hope you enjoy him.”
He turned and walked away. Her mouth open, Emily stared after him. What was he doing? How could he bring up such a raw subject, then leave as if they’d been discussing no more than the weather?
Color burning high on her cheeks, she let herself out of the corral and headed toward the barn. She caught up to him in the tack room. He was clutching a fistful of bridles and bits and from the surprised look on his face, she knew he hadn’t been expecting her to follow him.
“What?” he blurted. “Is something wrong?”
She marched up to within an inch of him and stared up at his shadowed face. “Yes. Something is wrong. Why did you walk away just now?”
His brows lifted innocently. “Because I have work I want to get finished before dark.”
She stopped herself just short of snorting. “Don’t act innocent with me, Cooper. You can’t just open a can of worms then walk off like that.”
His eyes narrowed on her face and before Emily knew it, her thoughts were wandering, straying back to those days when he’d been her lover. He’d made her feel so special, so loved. Just looking at him had taken her breath away. And it very nearly did now. As her eyes clung to the chiseled line of his lips, she was certain the tack room had grown smaller and darker.
“Look, Emily, I don’t even know why I said what I did. I don’t expect you to give me a long speech about how you understand and forgive me. I don’t even need that from you, so forget I ever said anything.”
He didn’t need forgiveness from her. So far that hurt more than anything he’d said. “If that’s the way you feel, why did you mention it at all?”
Turning away from her, Cooper stared into a dark corner of the room while his fingers absently rubbed a frayed piece of leather. “I don’t know. Just a moment of foolish sentimentality, I guess. Maybe it had something to do with your dad giving you the App. It made me think of another time—before I ever met you.”
Curiosity swiftly replaced Emily’s anger. “What were you remembering?”
“Nothing really. Just another horse. I’d spotted him over in Roswell and was making plans to buy him when Dad stepped in and bought him for Kenneth instead.”
“Oh—” The word escaped her as a tiny gasp and he turned back to her, a twisted smile on his face.
“Childish of me, huh? To still remember something so trivial?”
Trivial? If her father had done something like that to her, she was certain she would never forget it. “How could he have done something so—so hurtful?”
He let out a harsh laugh. “William didn’t view that as hurtful.”
“What about Kenneth? Surely he knew the horse should have been yours!”
Cooper shrugged as though the incident was hardly worth mentioning. “He told me he tried to persuade the old man to give the horse to me. But I’m not so sure he was being honest. A few weeks later, Dad let it slip about Kenneth begging him for the horse. And William never could tell his favorite son no.”
Emily shook her head. “But that’s awful, Cooper! I can’t believe Kenneth would do such an underhanded thing to you! When I met the two of you, it appeared you and your brother got along very well.”
He moved away from her and a swirl of mixed emotions washed through Emily as she watched him take another handful of bridles from a nail on the wall.
“We weren’t always the best of buddies. But we didn’t fight. When we were growing up Kenneth always used to tell me what a raw deal he thought Dad was giving me. Funny thing, though, he never would stand up to Dad for me. I’ve wondered about that a lot down through the years. I guess it didn’t bother Kenneth to see me as the whipping boy so long as he stayed in good graces with the old man.”
Emily didn’t know what to make of all he’d told her. She couldn’t imagine any man being so cruel to his brother. But then she knew Kenneth hadn’t been without a mean, moody streak. The last year of their marriage had been so difficult, she’d often wondered how she could go on. Still, her husband had always left her with the impression that he loved Cooper. Had she been wrong?
“Back then, didn’t you have some sort of responsibility on the ranch? If Kenneth took care of the cattle, what did you do?”
Cooper grimaced. “Not much in those days. By then I didn’t give a damn about the place. I’d already been cut out.”
One by one, Cooper began to inspect the bridles and hackamores. The ones that needed mending he tossed on a nearby hay bale, the others he hung back on the nail. As Emily stood to the side, watching him, it came to her that even though she’d loved this man, she hadn’t really known him. Oh, she’d known what it was like to kiss him, talk and laugh with him, even make love to him. But never had she gotten a real glimpse of the man underneath. Maybe he hadn’t wanted her to.
“You think I’m like your father, don’t you?” she asked, the mere idea sickening her. “You believe I chose Kenneth over you, that I think you don’t belong here.”
He stared at the dry, brittle leather in his hands. “You said it. I didn’t.”
She couldn’t think of a single word she could say or one thing she could do to make him see she hadn’t felt that way. Nor did she understand why it even mattered to her. He’d hurt her. But had she hurt him, too? Is that what he’d been trying to tell her?
“Cooper...I always felt like you should have a part of this ranch. Until I believed you didn’t want it.”
He tossed the remaining bridles aside and walked toward her. His eyes were shadowed with anger. Or was it pain? Emily was still trying to figure which when his hands grasped her upper arms.
“And you believed I didn’t want you,” he said in a deceptively soft voice. “Is that what you’re telling me?”
Suddenly her heart was pounding. Not because he had dredged up a past she wanted to forget, but because he was touching her, looking at her as if time had never passed.
“Kenneth loved me. And you didn’t. It was that simple.” Actually there’d been nothing simple about it. But she needed to make him believe so. The way she was feeling at the moment it wouldn’t be safe to pour her heart out to him. She doubted it would ever be safe.
“For a woman who was twenty-five years old back then you were very naive,” he said.
Her nostrils flared with anger and anticipation. “Thank you. That’s just what I needed to hear.”
Before the last word was past her lips, he was giving her shoulders a shake. “You need to hear a lot of things. But right now—” In stunned fascination, Emily watched his face dip down toward hers. “I don’t think words could get the message across,” he murmured.
“Cooper, don’t—”
The rest of her protest was blotted out by the hard line of his lips, the clamp of his arms around her shoulders.
Shock and confusion slammed Emily from all directions, then as the warmth of his mouth plundered hers, it no longer mattered why he was kissing her, only that he was. And that he tasted the same, felt the same! The realization very nearly made her weep with a mixture of joy and regret.
Unknowingly her hands crept up his chest and linked at the back of his neck. Her mouth opened to the erotic search of his lips. This was the Cooper she had loved, she thought, as a blissful sigh swept a shudder through her body. This was the Cooper that had made her so happy.
/> And so sad. So terribly, terribly sad.
Frantic to end the fusion of their lips, Emily shoved herself away from him. “You haven’t changed one little bit,” she muttered hoarsely.
His lips twisted wryly. “Shall I take that as a compliment?”
“You’re despicable to...to take advantage of me!”
He threw back his head and let loose a harsh laugh. “Maybe I was guilty of that ten years ago. But as you just said, you’re not naive anymore. You know what a bastard I am.”
Her hands clenched at her sides as her blue eyes bored into his. “There’s no reason for you to be deliberately crude!”
“And there’s no reason for you to be overdramatic, either. That was just a little kiss. It’s not like we made mad passionate love to each other.”
Maybe it hadn’t felt like it to him, Emily thought. But it sure had to her. “And we’re not going to make mad passionate love of any kind, either!”
“No,” he agreed. “We’re not. But I am a man. Plain and simple. With wants and needs just like any other man. I guess somewhere along the way you forgot that.”
Well, if she had, he’d certainly reminded her of it a few moments ago. Her lips were still burning and she knew the pounding of her heart had filled her face with color.
“I didn’t know I needed to make a point of remembering your gender,” she retorted, while wishing the sight of him didn’t have the power to excite her, to make her want and wish for things that couldn’t be.
Cooper watched the rapid rise and fall of her breasts, a scarlet flame licking across her cheeks, and deep inside him he wondered how he could ever stay here now and not love her.
Or had he ever stopped loving her?
Chapter Five
“Emily, you are coming to the Bar M for Thanksgiving, aren’t you?”
As Emily waited for the receptionist to write her an appointment card, she glanced at her aunt Justine. Like her mother, she was a tall beautiful redhead who carried her age incredibly well. Since she worked at the clinic as a nurse, Justine saw her each time she came in for a visit with Dr. Bellamy.
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