by Jade Taylor
“Suit yourself. You’re not much help lately.” The old man stood up and left the room, his face cold, his shoulders stiff.
Dammit! Pop didn’t know how important this was. Or he just wanted to order his son around again. Disgusted, Jackson stood up. He’d done his share around here. More than his share. He intended to see Cat today and nothing his father said would change his mind. He’d tell Pop about Joey soon. Once he explained things, Pop would be more understanding. He didn’t want to hurt Pop again, but this was important. Like the-rest-of-his-life important.
CAT FIXED PANCAKES for Joey’s breakfast. She knew preparing Joey’s favorite food would comfort both of them. Running water and splashing sounds came from the bathroom. The doorbell rang. Cat knew who it was before she looked up and saw the truck outside.
She fixed a firm smile on her face, then opened the door. One look at Jackson wiped it off. His eyes had dark smudges below them, as if he hadn’t slept. His jaw seemed set with concrete, his blue eyes gray with fatigue. His brilliant bronze hair contributed the only color to his face. “Good morning,” she said. “You don’t look like you slept too well.”
He nodded, a barely civil gesture, and ignored her comment. “How’s Joey?”
“She’s okay. Totally unaware that she worried everybody to death yesterday. I haven’t talked to her much. We haven’t had breakfast. Would you join us?”
He looked as if he might refuse, then changed his mind. “Thanks. But how’s Joey going to feel about that? She was pretty definite last night.” He shot an accusing glare at her.
Cat’s defenses reared up. “You’re blaming me for her attitude, aren’t you?”
“Cat, I don’t want to start that again this morning. Frankly, I’m too tired. I just want to talk to Joey and explain why I wasn’t around for her.”
He looked like ice. Colder. No sun would melt that frozen blue glare. He followed her into the kitchen. Joey had finished brushing her teeth and sat at her usual place, wearing a pair of too-small pink pajamas fringed with a wide band of white lace around the shirt bottom. She looked like an angry elf. Cat shot an anxious glance at Jackson, but his cold eyes warmed the minute he saw Joey.
“Good morning, Short Stuff. I missed saying good-night to you last night. You were fast asleep when we tucked you in.”
Joey’s lower lip puffed out. She cast a beseeching look at Cat.
“Aren’t you going to talk to me, Joey? I carried you a long ways last night.”
Cat interjected, “At least you can thank Jackson for carrying you home, Joey. Where are your manners?”
Staring down at her plate, Joey muttered a barely heard response that marginally resembled “Thank you.”
Jackson tried to give the impression he hadn’t noticed Joey’s sullen pout. “No problem, Cat. Joey needs to know why I wasn’t here when she was a baby. She isn’t going to get over being mad until we tell her.”
Cat knew he was right. That didn’t make it any easier. In a hesitant voice, she began. She tried to explain without going into the physical details Joey wouldn’t understand. At least, she fervently hoped Joey wouldn’t understand. Kids grew up so fast nowadays. Afterward, Joey looked from one parent to the other. Her darkly lashed eyes accused Jackson and pleaded with Cat.
“I don’t love you, Jackson. Mommy, I don’t have to love him, do I?”
Cat looked at the tall Marine, sitting almost at attention, his hands on his knees, fingers knotted into fists. “This is going to be harder than we imagined.”
His jaw tightened. “If you had told the truth, we wouldn’t be having this particular problem.”
Only now did Cat realize the full extent of the damage her lies caused. She wanted to defend herself, but the truth was the truth. “Yes, I should have, but it’s too late for ‘should haves.’ I can’t change the past. Neither can you. With time, Joey will get used to it.” She looked at Joey. “Honey, I think it would be a good idea for you and Jackson to take a little walk and get to know each other.”
Joey’s large eyes brimmed with tears. “I already know him and I don’t want to walk.”
“Would you do it for me?” Cat put all her love into that question. Maybe, maybe, Joey would recognize it and give her a second chance.
Joey shot an angry glance at Jackson, one only slightly less angry at her, and sighed plaintively. “I guess so, if I hafta.”
Jackson ate the last bit of toast on his plate and stood up. He rubbed the paper napkin over his lips for longer than it really took to wipe a few crumbs, trying to formulate a reply. “I’m not a bad person, Joey. I’m your father and I love you. One day, I hope you’ll love me. We can get beyond the anger and accusations, if you’ll give me a chance. What do you say? Shall we try?”
Joey stood up. She gave Cat one last appealing glance, then nodded. “I’m not going to love you, but if Mommy says I have to walk with you, I will.”
She went to her bedroom to get dressed. Jackson drank the last of his coffee standing beside the kitchen sink. Cat thought he looked worried. He should be. He was about to find out little girls were different from adults and very different from Marines. Overwhelming guilt prompted her next words. “I’ll go along, if you think it will help.”
Jackson braced both hands on the counter behind him and studied the worn linoleum floor. He didn’t look up to meet Cat’s gaze. “No. This needs to be between me and my daughter.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
WORRYING HOW TO BEGIN, Jackson walked beside Joey, clad now in blue jeans, a white blouse dotted with periwinkles, blue socks, and wrinkled, dirt-stained tennis shoes. It was one thing to insist on his right to speak with her, quite another to figure out what to say.
He stopped at the corral and leaned against the fence, resting his forearms on the top rail. Focusing his gaze on the pasture, instead of her, he said, “I know you don’t understand what’s been happening between your mother and me. It gets pretty complicated, even for adults and sometimes I don’t understand it myself. I know you’re very upset. Heck, I am, too, but I want you to know I love you and always will. Just trust me for a little bit, okay? I want us to work through past mistakes and become friends. Will you give me a chance to explain?”
Joey turned her back to him. Her stiff shoulders answered him, even before she replied. Her little voice remained calm and as clear as the morning air. “I hate you.”
He studied her stubborn form. Rising heat flushed his cheeks. He hadn’t been this awkward since the first time he’d asked a girl for a date. Again, he tried. “No, you don’t. You’re just mad.”
“Do, too.”
He took his gaze off her and directed it to a wild stretch of rough pasture. “Aren’t you going to let me explain? I promise I’ll tell you the truth. I’ll keep that promise, Joey, if you’ll give me the chance.”
She kicked at the dust with her scuffed shoes. “Nothing to ’splain.”
He sneaked a hurried look at his daughter. “Aren’t you going to let me tell you how sorry I am that I missed seeing you born? I would have been here if I’d known.”
She pushed dust over the toe of her left shoe, using her right shoe as a scoop. “Don’t care.”
Jackson straightened. He sighed. “I can’t fight that. I guess I’ll leave then.”
She looked over her stiff little shoulders at him, a sullen pout on her face. “I knew you didn’t love me.”
A spark of hope flickered, then blazed in Jackson’s heart. “Don’t you want me to leave?” he asked, cautiously.
Joey moved away from him another few inches, very casually. “Never said that.”
He blew out a puff of air, exaggerating the whistling air sound. “This is getting nowhere. We’re talking in circles. What do you want, Short Stuff?”
“I don’t know.” Carefully, Joey traced her name in the dust with the toe of her shoe. She got as far as the left wing of the “y” before scrubbing the whole name away with an angry foot.
Windjammer and one of the filli
es raced toward them from the pasture, shearing off as they approached the corral. They ran along the fence line for a few moments before stopping. Jackson watched as they began to crop the short grass, then nodded to himself. “Maybe I should just eat grass.”
He’d thought she might smile at his feeble joke, but her face remained closed. “We can’t settle anything if you won’t talk to me, honey. Do you want me to tell you why I left Engerville?”
“I don’t care. You can if you want to.”
Jackson stared out across the pasture. She had no enthusiasm for listening to his excuses and he had a feeling this might be the last chance he’d have with Joey. He had to get it right and had to say it in such a way that she’d listen. How do you talk to an eight-year-old who doesn’t want to listen, when it’s the most important thing in the world for her to hear? He had no practice in dealing with kids, so likely he’d screw this up, too, but the ache in his chest pushed him. “I wasn’t very old then. Only eighteen, and I wanted to know what it would be like to live in another place, to see other towns, other countries.”
Rage burst from the small figure. She stared up at him with a hot, anger-filled gaze. “But what about me?”
She was listening, though she might not understand. He picked his words as carefully as if he were treading his way through a minefield. “You weren’t even born then, Short Stuff.”
“Mommy was born! And you left her, too.”
No arguing with that one. “I know. I wish I hadn’t, but you see, I didn’t know I loved her.”
“I know I love her. How can you not know when you love somebody?”
“Love is different for adults. Or maybe it isn’t different and we just think it is. Anyway, we’d dated only once. Usually, it takes more times than that to fall in love. I thought about her a lot after I left. I didn’t know about you.”
“Didn’t Mommy tell you?”
Jackson knew the ground he trod with this question could open up and swallow him. He didn’t dare make Cat the villain in this soap opera, but if he took all the blame on himself, Joey might never forgive him. He wet his lips and tried to swallow. They really did need rain to settle the dust. “Honey, your mommy thought I wouldn’t be happy to stay in Engerville, so she didn’t tell me.”
Joey stared accusingly up at him. “Is it her fault? You said it was her fault.”
No way could he tell this stubborn elf that her mother betrayed them both. Even if a gnarly spot in his guts believed that. “We were young, but that’s not a very good excuse. I don’t blame you for being upset. I just wish you’d forgive me.”
Joey said nothing.
“Well, maybe you’ll let me get to know you and tell you about myself. I guess you have to know somebody before you can forgive them. Right?”
“Where were you?” Her voice cracked on the question that was almost a plea.
It made him want to pick her up and hold her so tightly she’d never wander away again. Jackson’s heart squeezed. His hand started to move and he yanked it back before it could smooth Joey’s dark curls. “I joined the Marines. I spent some time in South Carolina, then went to Japan. After that, a tour at an embassy in Africa, and then I was stationed at Quantico, Virginia. That’s where I’ve been for the last three years.”
“What’s Quantico?”
“It’s a base where they train officers to lead soldiers in case we get into a war.”
“Do you have any little girls there?”
“No. No, I don’t.”
“Maybe you have some more that you don’t know about.”
The look on Joey’s face seemed compounded of fear, jealousy and sullen anger. The jealousy part heartened him. “Well, darling, I think it’s a terribly wrong thing to make a baby unless you stick around to take care of that baby. I’m pretty sure you’re the only little girl I have.”
“You didn’t want me.”
Jackson’s head spun. “We’re doing the circle thing again, Joey. I would have wanted you, if I’d known. I didn’t know. Isn’t that good enough for now?”
Her cat-green eyes filled with a diamond glint of moisture. “I want my mommy!”
He gave up. “Okay, fine. We’ll talk more later.”
She took off, running on fairy feet across the grass, back to the only home she knew. Back to the one person of whose love she was very sure. A lump formed in Jackson’s throat. He couldn’t talk her into loving him. It was supposed to happen naturally, not like this.
It was too late. Way too late. Damn him for being an inconsiderate idiot! Why hadn’t he ever called Cat to see how she was doing? He’d only thought of getting out of town and away from his father. Did he really believe Cat would regret their lovemaking once the glitter of prom night faded? Or was that just his excuse?
If he dug a little deeper into his soul, would he find, buried beneath his callow excuses, a fear that Cat would put a claim on him, force him back to Engerville? Was he a coldhearted bastard who’d let her suffer rather than come back? The thought gained credence.
He should leave her alone, bottle up the desires that had surfaced as soon as he saw her again. He had no right to want her. No right to dream about the emerald fire in her eyes. No right to want to put his hands where they’d been before.
Would Joey allow him any closeness? Could he blame her if she didn’t? Did his guilt over Cat demand that he lose Joey to make up for his teenage mistake?
He couldn’t lose her. He wouldn’t.
A pall of depression and undirected anger settled on him. On his way back to the house, he stopped at the pump and splashed cold water on his face.
Cat had been watching the brief exchange from the kitchen window. She didn’t have a lot of hope vested in Jackson quickly winning over Joey. Her stubborn daughter didn’t give in easily. No doubt it was a trait she inherited from her father.
When she saw Joey start running toward the house, she knew the encounter had ended. A blast of guilt caused her to mentally cringe. She was the one Joey should blame. Too late for regrets, Cat thought. Too late.
Joey burst into the kitchen, slamming the screen door behind her. “Mommy, I don’t want to talk to him anymore. Do I have to?”
Cat knelt and gathered Joey’s slender form to herself. Holding her tight, she rocked the small girl in her arms. “Honey, he just wants you to understand, to give him a chance. Can’t you try?”
“I don’t want to,” Joey said, and salty tears tracked down her cheeks.
Cat smoothed back the dark hair, kissed away the moisture and held Joey a bit away from her. “Hush, now, darling. Don’t cry. He’ll wait until you want to talk to him.” She looked up. Jackson stood in the doorway, holding the screen door open behind him. Accusing grief glared out from burning blue eyes.
“Go to your room for a few minutes, Joey. Jackson and I need to talk.”
Joey nodded mutely and crept silently from the kitchen. Glad to go, Cat thought. Glad to leave the confusion, the anger, and her father behind. She stood. “She’s all mixed up. You’ll have to give her time.”
His voice as rough as his sandpaper beard, Jackson retorted, “I don’t have much time, Cat.”
“You’re leaving?” Though she knew the answer to the question before she voiced it, her heart swelled with anguish.
He nodded, his gaze boring into her. “I have to be in Seattle by the first of September. You knew I wasn’t staying here. I can’t.”
“A month, then. I know. I’ve always known you’d leave. You’re not a farmer.”
“She’s pretty upset, which is no surprise. I couldn’t get her to listen to me. How do I get through to her?”
“I wish I knew. She’s hurt, too. I’ll talk to her and try to get past the anger, make her understand it was my fault, not yours. That’s all I can do, Jackson.”
“Not very much, is it?”
“What do you want me to say, Jackson? I’ve already said I’m sorry.”
His eyes turned as hard and cold as a backlit glacier. �
�I want you to go back in time to when you knew you were pregnant. I want you to call me and tell me I have a child on the way. That’s what I want. What do you suppose the chances are that I’ll get it?”
“You know I can’t change the past!”
Jackson spun on his heel. “Neither can I!” he yelled over his shoulder, slamming the door as he left.
Cat stood silently in the old kitchen, staring out the warped screen door at the stiff back and long legs rapidly retreating. An angry child in the bedroom, she thought, and Jackson running away from her as fast as he could go, just as angry and terribly unforgiving. A heavy weight settled on her heart, the weight of guilt accumulated over long, lonely years multiplied by a love she couldn’t declare and the pain she’d caused to the two people she loved most.
THE SUN SANK ALMOST to full dark before Jackson straightened his aching back and grinned at Buddy Sutherland. “Try it now. I think I’ve got it.”
Buddy nodded. “I hope so. This corn won’t make a peck an acre without water. It’s been too dry.”
“Flip the switch.”
Buddy frowned at Jackson. A dour, reticent man at the best of times, today’s long labor had soured an already acid disposition. He turned to the pump and touched the switch. Streams of water fountained from the holes in the pipe. The wheels that carried those pipes in a continuous migration over the fields began turning.
Jackson grunted with satisfaction. He had an affinity for motors, though he’d almost despaired of repairing the worn-out irrigation equipment. It was past time Pop replaced it, but the stubborn old man wouldn’t listen to him.
“Let’s call it a day, Buddy,” he suggested.
“That’s fine by me,” the little man agreed. “Wife will be wondering where I am. It’s passing late.”
Jackson’s own fatigue shot home with Buddy’s remarks. His shoulders ached. Dust covered his face and clothes. Water from the pipes had mixed with the dust to form a mortar-hard layer on his hands. At least for a while, he’d managed to quit thinking about Joey.
And Cat. His bitter disappointment that Joey refused to have anything to do with him kept prompting accusations toward Cat, adding fuel to his own guilt. As if it weren’t enough that Cat had borne his child without his support and raised her alone, now he accused her of responsibility for his child’s hostility.
