by Jade Taylor
Cat laughed as he turned and followed Joey into the house.
She sank back into her chair, legs weakened by Jackson’s prolonged, very thorough kissing. She could trust him. She knew that. Then why did she feel as if the other shoe would drop at any minute? Overhead, the sky darkened, as gray clouds rushed in from the west. The rumble of distant thunder signaled a possible end to the long dry spell. Or, Cat thought, it might be just another empty promise.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
THAT NIGHT JACKSON LAY awake in his cot. Despite having lured Cat into his arms after Joey went to bed, his restless body denied sleep. Why couldn’t he be happy in Engerville? Did he have to shudder every time he thought about buying a new tractor instead of a trucking business? Everything a man ought to want bloomed right here in Engerville, North Dakota.
Joey had been all sweet little girl tonight, climbing into his lap and cuddling close as if she’d never had a cross word for him. He’d kissed the top of her head, loving the smell of her, fresh from a noisy half-hour bath and gowned in a faded T-shirt that must have belonged to her grandfather at one time. Though as white as Cat could bleach it, the shirt still showed a few stains. The sleeve seams were worn and shabby.
He’d ached to get up right then and haul his butt into town to buy her something pretty and little-girl frilly. And new. Too many of Cat’s clothes, and Joey’s, too, showed their age. Cat had been through some hard years. She deserved to be taken care of, even if she wanted to take care of herself. How the hell was he ever going to convince her that his so-called spirit wouldn’t be broken by being a farmer?
There were his partners to consider, too. He’d promised Juan and Marty he’d join them in the Seattle venture. The two men would have a tough time understanding why Jackson wanted to pull out.
He’d make them understand. Cat would have to learn to live with his decision. That’s all there was to it. Jackson sighed heavily, wishing he felt better about staying. Being with Cat and Joey ought to be all he needed. It really ought to be, he thought.
Damn him for a selfish fool, but he still wanted the opportunity Seattle offered. He wanted it so bad he could taste it. So much it almost wiped out the lingering flavor of Cat’s kisses. Almost, but not quite. He could live without the trucking business. He couldn’t live without Cat, and the sooner she accepted that, the better for all of them. He turned on his side, facing the rough plank wall. One of the horses stamped restlessly. Jackson groaned and turned away from the noise. He closed his eyes and desperately tried to sleep.
Cat woke him, slipping into his tiny bedroom and sitting on the edge of the cot. He’d heard the door creak and without opening his eyes he could sort out her perfume from the rest of the smells in the barn. Over the bouquet of raw pine, old decaying wood, freshly soaped leather and straw generously laced with manure, her seductive rose scent brought a half smile to his lips.
“Hey, Marine, are you going to sleep all day?”
He opened his eyes. She was one good-looking female. A female he intended to brand with his name despite her objections. Her smoky hair brushed his lips as she leaned over him. He snaked a hand around her neck and pulled her closer, opening his mouth in anticipation of tasting her again. She allowed only a brief touching and a mischievous giggle behind her told him why.
He looked over her shoulder. Joey stood in the doorway, wearing the inevitable blue jeans, topped this morning with a too-big yellow T-shirt. The faded Green Bay Packers logo nearly covered the front of the hand-me-down shirt. A merry grin accented the mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Past the pride that tightened his throat, a despairing need to take care of her roughened his voice. “Hey, Short Stuff. What’s up?”
“You’re not,” Joey said, giggling into one hand and twisting the other through her hair. She came closer. “Mommy and I have been up for ages! How come you’re still asleep?”
“I’m not still asleep. I’m talking to you, aren’t I? I couldn’t do that if I was asleep.”
“But you’re still in bed,” she protested.
“Leave Jackson alone, Joey. He worked very hard yesterday. He’s entitled to sleep in occasionally.” Her hand carefully hidden from her daughter, Cat stroked Jackson’s stomach.
“Better let me get dressed, sweetheart.”
“I suppose I could,” she mused, her other hand moving to his belly.
Jackson grabbed both of Cat’s hands and held them. She leaned closer. He groaned. “Have pity, woman!”
Concern brought a tiny frown to Joey’s face. “Mommy, are you hurting Jackson? I mean Daddy.”
“No more than he deserves, Joey.”
Joey came farther into the room. “You’re holding his hands. Are you holding them too tight?”
Cat grinned. “Maybe a little bit.”
“I don’t think you should hurt him, Mommy.”
Jackson glanced at his daughter. A tender smile came unbidden to his lips. “We’re just playing, honey. Your mommy likes to play.”
“I do, too,” Joey said, her eyes glinting as she sprang onto the cot, landing between Jackson and the wall. She clambered onto Jackson’s stomach, one booted foot landing in the most tender part of his anatomy. He yelped.
Quick tears sprang to her lovely green eyes. “Did I hurt you? I’m sorry. I wanted to play, too.”
An unrepentant chuckle escaped from Cat. “Don’t worry, Joey. I think you might have kicked Daddy in a sensitive spot, but he’ll recover.”
Jackson picked Joey off his stomach and allowed her to dangle for a moment in the air, before lowering her just close enough for a quick kiss, then deposited her on the floor beside his cot. “Both of you wicked women get out of here and let me get dressed.” He toughened his voice into a bad resemblance of Captain Richards’s disgruntled snarl. “Move it!”
Cat winked at him and stood. “Come on, Joey. We’ll give him five minutes. That’s all, buster. Be sitting at the table in five minutes or no pancakes for you.”
“I’ll be there, now scram.”
He watched them leave, grunting in appreciation of the little extra swing Cat threw into her hips for his benefit. He’d stay. She might as well get used to it. A wave of dejection settled over him like a heavy black storm cloud. And he’d get used to it, too. God help him.
Later, at the breakfast table, Cat slid a second stack of pancakes in front of Jackson. He raised a hand in protest, but she ignored it. “If you don’t eat, I’ll think you don’t like my cooking.”
“If you couldn’t cook a lick, it wouldn’t matter. You have other talents.” He gave her another of his patented slow, deliberate winks.
A rush of desire caught her off guard. Her legs trembled and she quickly set the heavy frying pan back on the stove. She took another few seconds to compose herself before turning to face him. “Watch it, Marine. It’s far too early in the day for this.”
Jackson shifted his weight in the chair. “It’s never too early, Cat.”
“Well, then, it’s too late. Joey will be out of the bathroom in about three minutes.”
He exhaled a long woeful sigh. “I’ll be good. I promise.”
“You’re always good. Eat your pancakes.”
He stabbed the moist cake and raised a large bit of fluffy blueberry pancake to his lips, paused and studied her over the morsel. “So, have you made up your mind yet?”
“About what?”
“About what day we’re going to get married.”
Cat ached to tell him yes. The word burned her throat, but she fought the impulse. In a raspy half whisper she replied, “Jackson, please don’t.”
“Don’t what? I just asked what day you’d chosen. I figure during the week would be best. We can ask Luke to feed the horses while we’re gone. A couple of days away from this place would do you good.”
Cat’s happiness fled with Jackson’s words. She didn’t want to think about marriage and how it would change him. Quietly, she said, “See, that’s what I mean. We think about this farm in two totally
separate ways. You think it’s great to get away from it, and I’m never happier than when I’m here.”
He set his fork carefully across the edge of the plate. His voice had a raw edge to it as he said, “Okay, I understand. This is your home and you love it, but for crying out loud, don’t you ever get the desire to see someplace else? Even for a few days?”
An awful lump crowded her throat. This was the crux of their conflict and nothing he said, nothing she wanted would ever change it. “Jackson, I do love you. I don’t want you to doubt that for a minute, but we can’t make a go of marriage. We’re too different in what we want out of life. I want a home and you want to roam. We’re just different.”
She could swear he had tears in his eyes as he stood and turned his back on her. Cat watched as he shoved tightly fisted hands into his pockets. It didn’t work of course. He had to uncurl his hands before he could get them into his tight jeans. Not much room, she thought, as even at this depressing moment, she couldn’t help admiring how the faded denim hugged his hips.
Without turning back to her, he asked, “Does that mean you won’t marry me?”
A heavy weight settled in her chest. The room suddenly quieted so even the hum of the refrigerator was no longer audible. Only the ticking of the clock broke the oppressive silence. Cat drew in a deep, slow breath, then exhaled just as slowly. She firmed her voice. “I’m sorry, but yes. That’s what it means.” Despite her attempts at control, her voice cracked. “Oh, Jackson, I tried to tell you all along! You wouldn’t listen.”
His words sabotaged by throat-closing emotion, Jackson warned, “I won’t give in, you know. I’ll change your mind.”
Cat shook her head, knowing he couldn’t change anything. She’d made her decision too many years ago. Her heart ached and she wanted to weep for both of them. She wanted to scream out her defiance at all the fates who’d combined to make both of them miserable. “I love you, Jackson, but I can’t marry you. Can’t you just accept it? I have,” she lied. He stood resolute before her, as stiff and straight as if he were one of the tall pine trees at Needlepoint Rock. She forced herself to continue. “I couldn’t stand seeing your regret grow with the years. You’d end up hating me.”
“I can’t make you believe that won’t happen, can I?”
“No.”
“Well, then.” He sighed deeply, a hugely mournful sound, and still with his back to her, whispered, “I’ll be leaving next week then. Friday, I guess. That’ll give me enough time with RugRat. I’ll get him ready before I go.”
Her heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. The light in the kitchen scattered over the pieces and obscured her vision. She couldn’t see Jackson through the haze of tears trembling on her lashes. Grateful for that ounce of mercy, she said, “You don’t have to. He just needs settling down a bit. He’ll be okay.”
“Let me,” he said, his voice roughened into an emotion-laden plea.
She could see his need without seeing his face. His tightly set shoulders told her. She wanted to change her mind, to assure him that she would marry him and they could be happy, but all that came out was a strangled word. “Yes.” She nodded, though with his back to her, he couldn’t see that.
“Are you going to tell Joey or shall I?”
Joey would be devastated. Her sprite, who’d already missed a father in her first years of life, would have to grow up without Jackson. There’d be two broken hearts on this shabby farm, but if Jackson stayed, there’d be three miserable people. The same way her father’s depression made her mother leave and left her bitterly aware that she was the only reason he continued to get up in the morning and go to a job he hated. Right up till Aunt Jo left them the farm, her father had been a man marking time. Just waiting for Cat to turn eighteen so he’d be free. He’d been happy only the last ten years of his life and that was something Cat could never forget.
“Joey’s strong. She’ll get over it.”
“Joey won’t get over shit!” His voice trailed off. “And neither will I.” He sighed. “I need to explain to her. She’ll think I abandoned her again. I couldn’t stand that.”
Jackson spoke the truth as he saw it. Her heart broke anew, but stubbornly, she insisted, “You’re not leaving her forever, are you? You can call her on the phone, write letters and come back to see her as often as you can get away.”
He nodded, started to reply, then shook his head and charged out the door. He didn’t look back.
When he left the kitchen, Jackson stumbled forward without watching where he was going. What use to look, when he couldn’t see. Trusting his feet to find the way, he set off across the open field.
He wanted to throw himself down on the ground and beat it with his fists like a spoiled child until the pain went away. Which would be never, he knew. He’d never have Cat beside him in their own bed. He’d never have Joey. He wanted them both with a ferocity that tore his heart. With a dull certainty, he knew his life would be empty without her and the child they’d made that long-ago night. He might as well give up now, though he knew Cat was wrong. So wrong.
He couldn’t change her mind, though. Wild Cat Darnell didn’t change her mind, once she’d decided. She’d doomed both of them—all three of them—to a life without the least bit of happiness in it. Damn her! Damn them both for screwing up their life together so badly. He rubbed his burning eyes and looked around him at the weed-choked field. He was halfway home. Pop would tell him what to do. Pop would know. The heaviness in his chest eased. His stride lengthened until he was running.
WILL GRAY PACED from the bedroom through the hall to the kitchen, uneasy for no reason he could understand. Out in the barn, Buddy tried to get the old tractor started, while Will, alone in the empty house, fretted. Jackson could have fixed the tractor easily. Engine oil and machined parts were as much a way of life for his son as the green-growing beets dictated the order of Will’s day. The thought drew him to the kitchen window. He looked out over the field toward Cat’s farm. A couple hundred yards away, Will saw his tall son.
A moment’s swift alarm drew his heart to his throat, then it settled back down. If it were trouble—the kind that meant spilled blood and coffins—Jackson would have phoned. No, something else had gone badly awry and he’d find out soon enough.
His son stopped at the edge of the field. He caught his breath before stepping into the yard. Even from here, Will could see the ravaged face, sweat and tear-streaked and his own heart began to pound. What had devastated Jackson? Intense love swept over Will. The boy had always been the apple of his eye, his tall, strong lookalike, the one he’d hoped would love the farm as much as he did. It had taken him many months to forgive Jackson for choosing another way of life. Years to know that Jackson looked like him, but didn’t want the same things or think the same way. It had taken both of them too much time to forgive each other and start talking again.
Whatever troubled his son, and it was bound to have something to do with his pretty little granddaughter, he’d brought it home for his father to sort out. Will did his best to look wise and sure of the answers to life as his son dragged the screen door open.
“Hi, Pop.” Jackson ducked his head quickly in a nervous nod.
Will was too busy sorting through all the possible problems Jackson could have to do more than grunt. “Mmmh.”
Jackson nodded again. “Yeah…I’m happy to see you, too.”
Will went over to the coffeepot and righted two chipped white mugs that were upended, with three other cups, on the faded red kitchen towel next to the coffeepot. He poured strong black coffee into the mugs and handed one to Jackson. “You want to say something to me? You weren’t much interested in talking when you left.”
Jackson took the coffee cup with a hand that trembled. “You weren’t exactly Sammy Sunshine yourself.”
Will backed into a kitchen chair and sat down at the table. “Sit,” he commanded. He waited until Jackson did so. “You’d try the patience of a saint, boy! I can see you’ve got some
thing on your mind. Why don’t you make an attempt to stay on the subject and tell me why you came over here.”
His son stared into the coffee cup as if the answers might possibly be hiding there. “I’ve been staying over at Cat’s place.”
Will bit off a laugh. “That’s a revelation!” He took a swallow of the coffee. Too damned hot for sure. The tip of his tongue felt raw. “The whole town knows about it.”
Jackson looked defiant. “Does the whole town know Cat’s little girl is my daughter?”
“Yep.” Will totally enjoyed the startled look on his son’s face at his own baldfaced lie.
“What?”
It would be a heck of a lot easier to get answers out of Jackson if he wasn’t carefully considering every word he said. Jackson had his share of a redhead’s temper. It didn’t take much pushing. “You might be the only one who didn’t know. Always thought you were a slow learner.” He waited to see how the boy would reply to his blatant attempt to stir him up.
Jackson’s blue eyes could have painted frost on the kitchen windows. They were that cold. “Well, dammit, why didn’t you give me a clue?”
Will grunted. “Son, I’ve been trying to give you a clue since the day you were born. Didn’t take too well. Like I said, you’re a bit slow some days.”
Jackson looked as if he’d like to take his temper out on his father, but settled, instead, for studying the black swirl in his cup. “So you knew?”
Will slowly shook his head. “Can’t say I knew for sure, but I always thought Joey was the spit of Cass when she was little.”
“Yeah, that’s what finally tipped me off.”
“She’s a pretty little thing.”
A reluctant smile lit Jackson’s face. “Yeah. She is. Anyway, I wanted to tell you, but I guess I wasted my time.”
Will pushed his chair back an inch or two from the table. The movement gave him a moment to decide how to answer. “No. I’m glad to see you, son. Don’t let me scare you. I just get a little irritated at you sometimes. I love you, though. Always have. I love that little girl, too.”
