by Jade Taylor
Cat walked away from Jackson Gray.
CHAPTER TWENTY
IT STARTED RAINING about three in the morning, a monotonous weeping punctuated by the crash of thunderbolts. Cat lay awake, her eyes as dry as the dust soaking up the raindrops. The hurt inside her swelled with each passing moment, until her entire body ached with pain.
She’d pretty much forgiven Jackson for leaving her the first time. They were both so young and he didn’t know she loved him or that their tryst had resulted in a baby. This was different. It didn’t matter that she’d made the choice for Jackson to go, or that her blaming him was irrational. She never doubted that he loved Joey, but his feelings toward her were as shallow as Indian Creek at the height of this summer’s drought.
How else could he have smiled as he wished her a good night? Ha! What a laugh. A good night with a broken heart wasn’t possible. She’d thought they could spend this time comforting each other, loving each other. How could she have misjudged him so badly?
Cat tossed restlessly from side to side. Her brain insisted on showing her a medley of pictures. Jackson’s anger sparking his eyes to frosty blue when he found out she’d kept his daughter’s birth a secret from him. Jackson carrying Joey back from Indian Creek, a look of unbearable tenderness on his face. The way his eyes glittered with passion when he made love to her under the willow tree, his hair darkened by shadows, his strong profile traced by moonlight. Flashing that “dare you” smile when he teased her into making love in the middle of the day. The mind-picture that gave her secret reassurance of his love; his jealous anger at Luke. And always with her, a still-sharp memory of the fourteen-year-old boy with hair so bright it looked as if the sun had woven its light through it…the prince who welcomed her to a fairy-tale permanent home in Engerville.
The lump in her throat threatened to dissolve in tears, but she held her emotions in check by sheer force of will. She’d cried all the tears she intended to shed for Jackson Gray on a long, lonely night years past. Why cry when no one was there to comfort you? The question brought back a memory she’d thought long forgotten. Her father picking up stakes and leaving a too-temporary home yet again. And Cat remembered huddling against blankets in the back seat of a rusty brown Maverick, the hum of tires on pavement gradually lulling her to a restless sleep.
For a long time, Cat lay awake, listening to the harsh roll of thunder and the persistent sad tapping of rain against the window, until finally, she drifted off.
“Mommy, are you awake?”
The hesitant question prodded at Cat’s consciousness. As she always did when something happened to trouble her, Joey had crawled into Cat’s bed, seeking her mother’s comfort. This morning, Cat had no comfort to give. She cracked open a reluctant eyelid. Her daughter curled up beside her, looking lost in her pink cotton pajama shorts and matching top. Cat draped an arm around her kitten. “Hey, Joey. Are you awake already? What time is it?”
“Almost seven. Are you ready to get up yet?”
Cat rubbed her face sleepily. “Not really, but I have to get up anyway.”
“Daddy is leaving today,” Joey announced solemnly.
“I know, sweetheart.”
“I don’t want him to go. Make him stay, Mommy.”
“Honey, Jackson likes different things than you and I do. He doesn’t want to live on a farm. He wouldn’t be happy here.”
Joey’s eyes glittered with unshed tears. She sighed, a very grown-up sound of resignation. “Will we ever see him again?”
“Of course, darling. He’ll come back to visit. He promised.”
“I still want him to stay.”
Having no other words with which to comfort Joey, Cat wrapped her arms around her and brought the small, thin body into hers. The two clung together for a long moment, then Cat pushed her away. “Go brush your teeth and get dressed. We’re going to drive Jackson into Engerville to catch the bus and we don’t have a lot of time.”
The trip into town was too long, and at the same time, too short. Jackson kept his arm across the back of the seat, his hand touching her shoulder, except when he dropped it down to caress Joey, who sat unmoving between them. Occasionally, he bent his head and brushed his lips across her hair. Joey’s face remained pale with strain. She didn’t return Jackson’s touches, although she didn’t shrink from them, either.
Cat thought the whole scene rather pathetic and decided, resentfully, that she wouldn’t buy into it. She kept a determined smile on her face, which matched the very natural, casual smile that stayed on Jackson’s sensual lips. It bothered her that he didn’t seem at all upset to be leaving them, but she didn’t intend to let him know it. Pride might be all she’d have left at the end of this day.
After he bought his ticket, Jackson came over to stand in front of her. For the first time, he seemed hesitant. He pulled an envelope from his pocket and handed it to her.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“With this and what you got for the horses, it ought to be enough to cover your back mortgage payments and carry you through the winter. In a month or two, I’ll be drawing a paycheck and I’ll start sending you as much as I can.”
“The money from the sale of the horses will pay the bank. You don’t have to do this, Jackson. I never wanted to take money from you.”
“For once, let me help. If you’d told me earlier…I would have.”
“I never doubted you.”
He leaned over and brushed her trembling lips with his own, stepped back and shrugged. “Past is past. No point in raking it over the coals. They’re boarding my bus now. I have to go. I’ll write.”
He stooped down and picked up Joey, hugged her close for a long, breath-stopping moment, then set her down. “Take care of your mom, Short Stuff. I’m not going to forget you, so don’t be sad. I’ll be back.”
Joey looked as if she wanted to throw a temper tantrum. Her lower lip stuck out a mile and her eyes were mutinous with suppressed anger. But when she spoke, her plea was little-girl heart-wrenching. “When? When are you coming back?”
“As soon as I can, Joey. Keep the faith, honey. I won’t let you down. I promise.”
He turned to leave, then whirled back, grabbed Cat and crushed her body to his. His lips covered hers with devastating impact, as if this kiss was all he’d ever have of her. He made it last a full minute, his tongue tracing her lips until she opened for him, sweeping her mouth, teasing and taking her essence. Remember me, his kiss said. Remember this. When he released her, she felt faint. Her knees trembled, as he stared down at her, memorizing her, memorizing her lips. At last, he turned away and Cat, bereft, was left to watch his retreating figure.
Then, too quickly, he stepped aboard the Greyhound bus, and a moment later, it pulled away from the curb. Cat lowered the hand she couldn’t stop from waving at the departing bus until it was out of sight. She looked down at Joey. Tears trickled down her daughter’s cheeks. A weight in her chest threatened to crush her. Despair engulfed both of them. She couldn’t let that happen. “Today, sweetheart, it’s all right to cry. We’re both sad. But tomorrow…tomorrow, we have to get on with our lives.”
Joey, so like Cat, nodded sadly. She understood.
THE HOTEL ROOM WAS neither luxurious nor overly cheap. Adequate, Jackson thought. Certainly better than sleeping in a barn, wasn’t it? It depressed him to realize his answer to that question was so ambiguous. He’d been in Seattle for two miserable days and it took all his will-power every moment of those days to keep from reaching out to pick up the phone. He’d give what remained of his stake to hear Cat’s voice say hello. He’d give his life to hold her so tightly she’d never get away. Had Joey regained her anger at him? Would he ever be able to establish a normal father-daughter relationship with her? He glanced again at the phone beside his chair.
Determinedly, he kept his hands wrapped around the paper cup of too-strong coffee Juan had picked up in the kiosk next to the lobby. His friend had been speaking for several minutes, but Jack
son’s wandering mind couldn’t focus on his words. For the third time, he asked, “What was that, Juan?”
His friend looked at him with deep pity. “I just asked how long you were staying in Seattle, my friend.”
“I didn’t say I was leaving.”
“You didn’t have to. Why did you come here anyway? You’re totally miserable.”
He swirled the dregs in the cup, then looked at Juan with a wry grin twisting his lips. “It’s all part of my master plan. Did you think I didn’t know what I was doing?”
“Red, my old buddy, you’re so full of it, you stink. You no more have a plan than that disgusting wallpaper does.” He waved a hand at the lime-striped pink wallpaper covering one wall. He leaned back against the olive-green bedspread, propping his head with the other hand.
“Well, I do,” Jackson muttered, sounding unsure even to himself.
“What is it, then? Share your thoughts, Red.”
“I’ve already talked to Marty. He’s okay with it.”
“Okay with what?” Juan asked, impatient.
“With my backing out of our agreement. I can’t stay here, Juan. I can’t. I left too much behind me in Engerville.”
Juan sighed. “I figured as much. Your one chance to become a filthy rich capitalist and you blow it.”
“Some things are more important than money, Juan. My family is my first priority.”
“It’s okay, Red.” Juan’s voice softened. “I wish I had a family to sacrifice this opportunity for. I envy you.”
Jackson gulped the cold dregs left in his cup, avoiding a reply as long as he could. When he could put it off no longer, he looked at Juan and shrugged. “I’m ready to go back and make a home in Engerville, but it’s not a done deal yet. I still have to persuade Cat to let me stay with her and she’s totally against it.”
“She loves you, doesn’t she?”
“I think so. Yes, she does.”
“Then, it’ll be okay.”
“That’s what Bertie said.”
“Bertie?”
“My father’s friend. She said the same thing.”
JOEY AGREED WITH Cat that they had to put Jackson’s leaving behind them and go on with their lives. She agreed, but she didn’t do it. Twice Cat caught her crying in her room. On the third day after Jackson’s departure, she went to the barn in search of her daughter and found her standing next to Moonshot with a brush in hand, but its purpose forgotten. Her face buried in Moonshot’s silky mane, shoulders heaving, the little girl poured out her grief to the one soul who wouldn’t tell her not to cry.
Cat’s eyes filled with sympathetic tears. She walked over to Joey and patted her on the shoulder. “It’s okay, Joey. I spend too much time bawling into my own pillow. Teddy Bear, I’m so sorry you miss him. I do, too.”
Joey left the horse and flung herself at her mother. As Cat held the tiny figure close, Joey sniffled in her ear.
“Please, Mommy, make him come back! Please.”
“I can’t do that, Joey.”
“But you told him he couldn’t stay. You said he wouldn’t be happy. I think he’d be happy. Please, Mommy?” Joey drew back, her anxious face pleading as hard as her words did.
Cat owed it to Jackson to tell his daughter the truth. “You’re right, baby. I did say he couldn’t stay. You know why. Jackson doesn’t like living on a farm the way you and I do. He wouldn’t be happy. Would you want him to be unhappy with us, or happy in Seattle where he can drive a truck?”
Another wash of tears welled in Joey’s eyes. She blinked and they rolled down her face. “I want him to be happy, Mommy,” she whispered.
“Me, too.” She struggled with her answer, but finally replied. “Then we have to let him go.”
“Can’t we go with him? I’ll be happy in Seattle, honest. I want my daddy!”
If Cat thought her heart couldn’t ache any more, she was definitely wrong. She swallowed hard to get past the ache, so she could comfort her baby. “Oh, Joey, this is our home. We can’t leave.”
Joey glared. “I think home is where Daddy is. I want to be with him.”
Cat stared at the defiant pose her daughter struck. Lower lip outthrust, green eyes glowing with tears, and small fists on nonexistent hips. “You’d have to leave the horses, Teddy Bear. And Tommy Karl. Could you be happy without them?”
Joey nodded vigorously. “Tommy Karl would understand. He knows I want a daddy. I’ll come back and see him when I get bigger. Couldn’t we take the horses with us?”
“No, honey. I’m sorry. Farms cost too much. This is the only place we’d be able to keep the horses.”
“Then I’d rather have Daddy than the dumb old horses.”
A thrill of excitement shot through Cat. She pushed it down. “Even Moonshot?”
Joey reached out to pat Moonshot’s shoulder. Her face became a study in conflicting emotions, then she nodded. “I love Daddy and I want to be with him. I’ll miss Moonshot, but I miss Daddy more.”
Rising hope made Cat dizzy. She missed Jackson more than she would miss the farm, too. More than she’d ever thought she could. The shabby, old farm seemed empty without him. The weather-worn buildings were just buildings, not the stuff of dreams, not a child’s fairy-tale home. Not her home.
Did Joey realize what she asked? Was she mature enough to make the decision to give up everything she’d known? “You’re only eight years old. Are you sure you won’t be sorry?”
Practical Joey answered the way her mother would have, if she’d been eight. “I might want to be sorry sometimes, because I’ll miss Tommy Karl and the horses and the farm, but I really, really promise I won’t be. Let’s go to Seattle and find him, Mommy. Please?”
“Home is where Jackson is, huh? Maybe you’re right, darling. I just wanted you to have a stable home. And I wanted it for me, too.” She paused. “Maybe I wanted it more for me than I did for you.” She remembered the little girl in the rusty Ford Maverick. “I only thought I was making the decision for you. Since Jackson left, this hasn’t been much of a home for either of us. It’s just empty buildings. Maybe we really should go to Seattle.”
Joey’s lips formed a tentative, tear-streaked smile. “Can we go? Really?”
In one moment of heart-stopping insight, Cat realized she’d made a tragic mistake by sending Jackson away and thinking she could make Joey happy by herself. A home that stays put wasn’t the most important thing in life. Home, for Joey, as well as herself, was in the heart. Joey’s heart belonged with Jackson and her heart belonged with the tall Marine, too. “Never mind, baby. Finish brushing Moonshot. I’m going back to the house and call a couple of people I happen to know are looking for a farm to buy.”
“Really, Mommy? Really? We can go to Seattle?”
“I think so.” Cat’s voice trembled. “Yes! Yes! We’ll go to Seattle and find Jackson.” If only she understood that last kiss. If only Jackson wanted them as badly as they wanted him.
THREE DAYS LATER, Cat stood beside a pile of mismatched suitcases, urging Joey to check her room one more time for any item she might have forgotten. Joey, wearing a new white dress trimmed with purple violets, looked excited and very happy. Cat fought to keep her own happiness contained. They still had to find Jackson and make him understand that they wouldn’t regret leaving the farm. It might not be easy. She’d worked awfully hard to convince him it was the only place she could be happy.
Tonight they’d be in Seattle. With luck, they’d find Jackson tomorrow and nothing would part them again. Cat looked at her watch and called out, “Hurry, Joey. We don’t want to miss the plane.”
Joey ran back into the living room, holding out a necklace to her mother. “Look what you forgot, Mom!”
“Mother’s jade necklace! Thanks, honey. Where did you find it?” Seeing the necklace brought back sad memories for Cat. Her mother had abandoned her husband and daughter, but maybe she’d just made the wrong decision and fate hadn’t allowed her time to correct her mistake. With a little luc
k and a prayer or two, Car intended to correct her own mistake.
“On the bathroom counter. You’d be really sad to lose your necklace, Mom.”
Cat laughed as she realized a sudden truth. “I’d be devastated, but not nearly as sad as I’ve been since Jackson left. Things aren’t as important as people and we won’t miss anything as much as we missed Jackson. I think we both set a record for gloom, Joey.”
Joey giggled. “Not anymore. We’re happy now, aren’t we, Mom?”
The tinkling chimes of the doorbell interrupted their shared moment. “It’s probably someone wanting to say goodbye.”
She swung the door open. Will and Bertie stood on the small porch.
Will spoke before she could say hello. “I know we said our goodbyes when you called to tell me what you intended to do, but I couldn’t let you leave without coming over.”
Cat smiled. “Will, I’m so glad you did. And you, too, Bertie! Come in, both of you.”
Joey smiled at the farmer. “Hi, Mr. Gray. We’re going to Seattle!”
“I know, honey. That’s why I came over, but don’t call me ‘Mr. Gray.’ Call me ‘Grandpa.’”
Joey looked at Cat. Cat nodded.
“Grandpa. You’re really my grandpa, aren’t you?”
Will struggled with his bad knee, but managed to kneel next to her. “Yes, I’m really your grandpa and I’m going to miss you like crazy.”
“Why don’t you come with us then? Mommy won’t mind. Will you, Mommy?” Joey looked entreatingly at her mother.
“I wouldn’t mind in the least. I love you, Will. I wish you could come, too.”
“Now, we can’t all leave North Dakota, can we, Bertie?”
