by Rachel Clark
He’d never considered himself anything other than heterosexual, but considering the sort of feelings he’d been having just at the memory of Ryan’s strong embrace at the hospital, maybe he wasn’t as solid in his thinking as he’d once thought.
“Relax,” Ryan whispered in his ear. “I’ll keep you safe.”
Those words, the deep voice, the warm body pressing against him, all worked to lull him into sleep. A small drowsy voice in his head told him this was where he belonged, and right now, he was too damn tired to argue.
* * * *
Ryan knew he was torturing himself. The man was not gay—not gay—yet here he was lying in the most uncomfortable excuse for a bed, cuddled up to Jay like they were longtime lovers. Hell, he really was a sucker for punishment.
The amazing thing was that Jay had actually fallen asleep in his arms. Holding him had been one of those stupid ideas that popped out of his mouth, but once he’d thought it through had seemed pretty foolish. He’d almost expected Jay to punch him in his other eye, but instead the man had relaxed in his embrace and fallen asleep.
Ryan had no idea what that meant.
* * * *
“Why is this happening to me?” Kat scratched her nose as she waited for her mother to answer. “It’s not fair and I want to go home.” God, was that really her voice? It sounded so shrill and whiny. “Mom, I don’t want to be here. Can’t I just go home?”
Fuck, her face was itchy. She rubbed her nose vigorously with the back of her hand but it didn’t help. She grabbed the blanket, sighing in relief as the rough material scratched the itch. She growled as the itch traveled down and she rubbed her neck.
“Kat,” a deep voice said quietly, “you’re hurting yourself.”
She was surprised to hear Jay’s voice. “Where’d my mom go?” she asked as she scratched her chin and the back of her neck at the same time.
“Kat, your mom’s been gone for years.”
“But I was just talking to her.” She ran her fingernails over her scalp, digging harder when it just made the itch worse. “Oh, shit, can you scratch my back. I can’t reach.”
Strong, calloused hands gripped hers, stilling her movement. She pulled against the hold, growling and getting more frantic as the itch became unbearable.
“Kat, look at me. Come on, honey, stick with me for a moment.”
“Jay?”
“That’s it, honey. Concentrate on me. You’re having an allergic reaction to the medication they gave you. You need to stop because you’re scratching yourself raw.”
“Why?”
“Why stop scratching?” he asked, sounding confused. Why was he confused? She was the one having a reaction. She was so goddamned itchy. She should be the confused one, not him. She rolled her eyes to telegraph her annoyance.
“Why did I take medication?”
“You don’t remember?” Why did he still sound confused? Shit, where the hell was she? This wasn’t her bed. It was way too hard.
“Where’s my mom?” she asked. Maybe her mother could tell her what the fu—sorry, Mom—fudge was going on.
“Kat, your mom has been gone for years. She and your dad died in a car accident.”
“She’s not here?”
“No, honey.” Her chest felt funny, like she couldn’t quite breathe. She gasped for air and tried to sit up, but pain pushed her back down. What the fuck?
“Jay?” The word came out breathy and pained and made her sound like a lost little girl, but she couldn’t help the relief she felt when Jay stood and kissed her forehead.
“You had surgery a few days ago. The doctor wants you to get up and move around, but we need to figure out what’s going on with the medication first.”
“Why did I have surgery?”
“How’s my best girl?” Ryan walked around the other side of the bed and bent over her to press a kiss against her cheek. She smiled and immediately tried to scratch the same spot but his warm hand covered hers and pulled it against his body.
“Hey, Ryan,” she said, glad that he’d finally arrived. “I want to go home,” she said, making sure she put on an exaggerated pout for her audience. She really wanted to scratch everywhere—anywhere—but it was nice to hold Ryan’s hand, too. “Why did I have surgery?”
It was strange how startled he looked. He hadn’t said hello to Jay either.
“You don’t remember?”
She shook her head but the stiff pillowcase against the back of her itchy neck felt so good she forgot what the question was. She moaned at how wonderful that felt and then giggled when she realized how that must sound to the men in the room.
“I’m hungry. Can we have dinner at the restaurant?” Jay made the most wonderful food, and she really was a terrible person to eat at his restaurant so often. He never let her pay, sat with her if he had time, and always made her feel like the most important person in his life.
His deep laugh warmed her all the way to her toes. He was such a wonderful man. “Too bad you’re my best friend.” Fuck, did she just say that out loud? She turned to Ryan, but he just smiled that kind, familiar smile, and she relaxed just a little. Maybe she hadn’t said that out loud. “That’s good. That’s good then.”
“What’s good, Kat?”
“That I didn’t say that out loud. It’s a secret, you know. I loved Jay even when I was married.”
* * * *
Ryan watched as Jay’s face filled with color. He wasn’t certain whether Kat’s words had caught him by surprise or revealed a dirty secret. Had the two of them had an affair while Kat had been married to another man? Ryan knew they were close, but he also knew both sets of their parents had died in the same car accident when Kat was barely nineteen and Jay even younger, so they had relied on each other for a long time.
Maybe Kat was simply talking about a platonic type of love.
Jay glanced at him but turned quickly when he heard another person enter the room. Ryan watched his body language as Jay spoke to the doctor. It was clear that he cared deeply for Kat, but did her strange confession go both ways?
Was the fact that they had been best friends their entire lives the only thing holding them apart romantically? Had being friends become such a habit that they had no idea how to move their relationship to a different level?
Ryan had woken earlier with his morning hard-on pressed against Jay’s buttocks. Granted, he’d been on the outside of the blankets, but it hadn’t disguised the taut muscles of Jay’s gorgeous ass. Ryan spent half the night promising himself that he wouldn’t do that, but once asleep his body had taken over. He’d moved away as slowly and as carefully as he could, hoping that Jay was still asleep, and had practically run as he’d escaped into the kitchen to make breakfast. He’d actually opened the fridge before he remembered his guest was a chef and probably accustomed to something more nutritional than greasy bacon and sausage on toast.
Hell, if nothing else, at least he was starting to see the bad eating habits he’d developed.
“Do you mind if I make breakfast?” Jay had asked from behind him. His sleep-roughened voice had been so unexpected Ryan had almost fallen into the fridge.
“Sure,” he’d said, trying to regain his equilibrium. This man certainly knocked him off balance. The sad part was that he wasn’t even trying…oh and that part where he wasn’t actually gay.
Not. Gay.
Words to remember.
“Ryan, why am I in hospital?” The quiet, bewildered-sounding question jolted him back to the present, and he glanced at Jay wondering just how to answer Kat’s question. If she didn’t remember the attack, he was all for letting her stay that way, at least for now. Lord knew the woman needed a break from the fear and pain.
When it looked like Jay wouldn’t answer for him, Ryan leaned forward and smoothed the hair away from Kat’s face. “You had surgery a few days ago. You’ll be able to go home soon.”
Wrong words. The blood drained from her face, leaving her white as alabaster, highlighting t
he angry red scratches she’d made earlier.
“No, I don’t want to go home. No home. Not my home.” She shook her head violently, her eyes filled with fear as tears ran down her face. “I want to go to Jay’s place. He has a great kitchen, but…” She glanced over at Jay and then back at Ryan. “But he doesn’t have a gun. Do you have a gun?”
Ryan nodded, unsure where the conversation was headed. It was obvious that confusion, anger, and grief were mixed with the strange effect of the medication. Her thought process bounced from one idea to another so quickly he wasn’t sure why she smiled.
“Good,” she said as if they’d decided something between them.
* * * *
Jay was still reeling from Kat’s confession. Never in a million years had he considered that she might feel some of the attraction to him that he felt for her. Of course, it also seemed clear that she held back for the same reason he did—they’d been best friends their entire lives. Trying and failing at a romantic relationship would almost certainly mean they’d lose that connection as well. The situation was getting more and more fucked up. Knowing that she had feelings for him just made the whole thing more confusing. When he’d thought it was only one sided, he’d somehow held onto the belief that she’d smack him upside the head if he ever crossed that line. Without that safety net he wasn’t so sure he’d be able to cope.
God, what must Ryan be thinking? Jay had spent the past few days explaining how he and Kat were only friends. Hell, he’d even started to question his own sexuality as his attraction to Ryan grew.
“Jay, Ryan has a gun.” Kat sounded like a little kid on Christmas morning who’d found the exact present under the tree that she’d been hoping for. “Can he come live at your house, too?”
“Sure,” he said. He figured Kat wasn’t going to remember this conversation anyway, so why not make her a little bit happy. When Ryan looked up, Jay just shrugged his shoulders, but was saved from trying to explain by the doctor’s entry.
“Good afternoon, Kat,” the doctor said as he lifted her chart and flicked through the various sheets of paper. “Well it looks like you’re having an allergic reaction to codeine.”
“Who the fuck are you?” she asked aggressively, squeezing Jay’s hand a whole lot harder.
“Quite a severe reaction by the looks of it,” the doctor said, graciously ignoring her outburst. “Kat, I’m going to give you a shot of antihistamine. That should stop the itching.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” she said, no longer squeezing Jay’s hand in a death grip. “I’ve been so itchy. Is that why I’m in hospital?”
“Can you tell me what day it is, Kat?”
She giggled, actually giggled. “It’s Thursday, silly. My mom’ll be here soon to take me to basketball practice.”
The doctor smiled kindly. “The nurse will be along shortly. I want you to lie down and get some rest. Can you do that for me?” His voice had taken on a different tone, almost like he was speaking to a child.
“Yes, doctor,” she replied shyly.
The doctor made eye contact with Jay, indicated that he should follow, and then walked out of the room.
“I’ll be back in a little bit,” he said to Kat. She nodded confidently and turned her eyes back to Ryan.
“Ryan has a gun.”
He looked at Ryan, certain that his worry was written all over his face.
“Go,” he said quietly. “We’ll keep each other company, won’t we, Kat?”
Jay squeezed Kat’s hand before letting her go, and then followed the doctor into the corridor. The doctor didn’t mess around.
“How long has she been like this? When did the confusion start?”
“She didn’t remember Ryan last night, but she was so distraught I thought it was just part of her panic attack. She was okay earlier, but then the itching started and she seemed to forget stuff. At one stage she was having a conversation with her mother, but she died nearly eleven years ago.”
“Okay, I think some of this is due to the medication. She seems to have a low tolerance to pain killers and a susceptibility to some of the more concerning side effects. I’m going to change her prescription, but I want to get a psychiatric consultation as well.”
He must’ve seen Jay’s reaction, or maybe he was used to family members’ responses to the idea that their loved one might be crazy, because he shook his head slowly and then explained further.
“Even if the confusion and itching is a result of the codeine, she’s been through a terrible experience and might welcome the chance to talk to someone. A lot of victims find it easier to speak to a stranger, someone who doesn’t have an emotional involvement.”
Jay nodded even as his gut twisted. Kat would need help. He knew that, but he had just assumed he would be the one to help her through it. He hadn’t given any real thought to how she would deal with everything that had happened. The fact that she was talking about Ryan’s gun was very concerning and completely out of character for her. She hated guns, but had somehow decided they were essential. Even when she didn’t remember why she was in hospital, the fear, the need to feel protected, leaked through. Hell, what would happen when she actually remembered?
* * * *
“How do you feel about take-out? Any preferences?” Ryan asked.
Jay simply shook his head and for the millionth time since he’d spoken to the doctor, Ryan wanted to ask him if he was okay. He’d come back into the room pale and quiet. Whatever the doctor had said to him had affected him badly.
Kat had fallen asleep almost as soon as the antihistamine started to work, and the nurses had assured both him and Jay that they would call if Kat woke distressed. So now they headed back to Ryan’s cramped little apartment, with its tiny, little, inadequate-for-decent-cooking kitchen and lumpy spare bed. He’d never realized how seriously uncomfortable the pull-out sofa was for sleeping. He rubbed his hip in remembrance of the steel bar that he somehow managed to sleep on despite the four inch thick mattress that was supposed to cushion it.
Grimacing at his poor eating habits, Ryan nevertheless guided the car into the drive-through of his usual burger joint, glanced at Jay’s distracted demeanor, and ordered for the both of them. As the food was handed into the car and the heavy smell of overcooked beef, tomato sauce, and grease permeated the interior, Jay snapped out of his introspection and glanced around. A small chuckle escaped him as he held out his arms to take the drink tray and bag of food.
“I definitely owe you a decent meal or three.”
“We can grab something else,” Ryan said, feeling just a little bit embarrassed. Hell, he really did have a lousy diet.
“No, no, sorry. This is fine. I just feel like I owe you so much. The very least I can do is cook you a healthy meal.” He cocked his head to the side for a moment and laughed quietly. “What I don’t understand is how you manage to keep yourself looking so good when you continually fill your body with junk.”
Ryan put the car into gear and maneuvered back onto the main road. He could feel the grin on his face. “I do a lot of exercise, but I suppose there will come a time when I won’t get away with it.”
Jay looked at him without saying a word. Ryan felt like the man wanted to say something—something important—but he just smiled slightly and turned back to face the road. Again Ryan wanted to ask if he was okay, but he bit his lip, worried that he may be treading over the line of their friendship. It didn’t matter that Jay had slept in his arms. It didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t gay. And it sure as hell didn’t matter that Ryan was feeling more and more attracted to him. It was Ryan’s problem, not Jay’s.
“Are you okay?” Damn, the words were out of his mouth even after that internal lecture on self-restraint.
“No.”
“Can I help?”
Jay responded with a laugh that was a little too hysterical to be genuine. “I think you’ve helped enough.”
Stung by the apparent criticism, and uncertain of the cause, Rya
n fell silent. He could feel his face coloring with embarrassment. What the hell had he been thinking? He was so involved in this case that he’d started to think of Jay as not only a friend but as someone closer, someone who could become very special to him. He gripped the steering wheel tighter, his knuckles turning white as he mentally called himself every stupid name he could think of.
“I’m sorry,” Ryan said as he pulled into the underground parking lot of his building.
* * * *
Ryan’s quiet words snapped Jay out of his introspection.
“Sorry? What for?” he asked, feeling like he’d missed half of the conversation. He probably had. He’d been so busy internalizing his own emotions he had barely noticed Ryan at all. It didn’t help that part of his problem was Ryan, well specifically, his attraction to Ryan. Jay had never considered that he might be gay, but every moment he spent with Ryan undermined his certainty that he was straight.
Ryan glanced over at him as he turned off the vehicle. He looked as confused as Jay felt.
“Sorry for butting in. I mean, I want to help but I don’t mean to step over the line.” Ryan ran his hand through his hair in agitation. “I just, I mean, I care for you, and for Kat. As friends I mean and I just, I don’t know…I just want to help.”
Jay had never seen Ryan unsure of himself. True, they’d only known each other a short time, and under rather strained circumstances, but still, he’d always seemed larger than life. Strong, capable, confident. So to realize that his hand trembled slightly as he ran it through his hair again shook Jay more than he could explain.
