MRS. HIGGINS But, my dear Mr. Doolittle, you need not suffer all this if you are really in earnest. Nobody can force you to accept this bequest. You can repudiate it. Isnt that so, Colonel Pickering?
PICKERING I believe so.
DOOLITTLE [softening his manner in deference to her sex] Thats the tragedy of it, maam. It’s easy to say chuck it; but I havent the nerve. Which of us has? We’re all intimidated. Intimidated, maam: thats what we are. What is there for me if I chuck it but the workhouse in my old age? I have to dye my hair already to keep my job as a dustman. If I was one of the deserving poor, and had put by a bit, I could chuck it; but then why should I, acause the deserving poor might as well be millionaires for all the happiness they ever has. They dont know what happiness is. But I, as one of the undeserving poor, have nothing between me and the pauper’s uniform but this here blasted three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class. (Excuse the expression, maam: youd use it yourself if you had my provocation). Theyve got you every way you turn: it’s a choice between the Skilly of the workhouse and the Char Bydis of the middle class;{58} and I havnt the nerve for the workhouse. Intimidated: thats what I am. Broke. Bought up. Happier men than me will call for my dust, and touch me for their tip; and I’ll look on helpless, and envy them. And thats what your son has brought me to. [He is overcome by emotion].
MRS. HIGGINS Well, I’m very glad youre not going to do anything foolish, Mr. Doolittle. For this solves the problem of Eliza’s future. You can provide for her now.
DOOLITTLE [with melancholy resignation] Yes, maam: I’m expected to provide for everyone now, out of three thousand a year.
HIGGINS [jumping up] Nonsense! he cant provide for her. He shant provide for her. She doesnt belong to him. I paid him five pounds for her. Doolittle: either youre an honest man or a rogue.
DOOLITTLE [tolerantly] A little of both, Henry, like the rest of us: a little of both.
HIGGINS Well, you took that money for the girl; and you have no right to take her as well.
MRS. HIGGINS Henry: dont be absurd. If you really want to know where Eliza is, she is upstairs.
HIGGINS [amazed] Upstairs ! ! ! Then I shall jolly soon fetch her downstairs. [He makes resolutely for the door].
MRS. HIGGINS [rising and following him] Be quiet, Henry. Sit down.
HIGGINS I —
MRS. HIGGINS Sit down, dear; and listen to me.
HIGGINS Oh very well, very well, very well. [He throws himself ungraciously on the ottoman, with hisface towards the windows]. But I think you might have told me this half an hour ago.
MRS. HIGGINS Eliza came to me this morning. She passed the night partly walking about in a rage, partly trying to throw herself into the river and being afraid to, and partly in the Carlton Hotel. She told me of the brutal way you two treated her.
HIGGINS [bounding up again] What!
PICKERING [rising also] My dear Mrs. Higgins, shes been telling you stories. We didnt treat her brutally. We hardly said a word to her; and we parted on particularly good terms. [Turning on HIGGINS] Higgins did you bully her after I went to bed?
HIGGINS Just the other way about. She threw my slippers in my face. She behaved in the most outrageous way. I never gave her the slightest provocation. The slippers came bang into my face the moment I entered the room — before I had uttered a word. And used perfectly awful language.
PICKERING [astonished] But why? What did we do to her?
MRS. HIGGINS I think I know pretty well what you did. The girl is naturally rather affectionate, I think. Isnt she, Mr. Doolittle?
DOOLITTLE Very tender-hearted, maam. Takes after me.
MRS. HIGGINS Just so. She had become attached to you both. She worked very hard for you, Henry! I dont think you quite realize what anything in the nature of brain work means to a girl like that. Well, it seems that when the great day of trial came, and she did this wonderful thing for you without making a single mistake, you two sat there and never said a word to her, but talked together of how glad you were that it was all over and how you had been bored with the whole thing. And then you were surprised because she threw your slippers at you! I should have thrown the fire-irons at you.
HIGGINS We said nothing except that we were tired and wanted to go to bed. Did we, Pick?
PICKERING [shrugging his shoulders] That was all.
MRS. HIGGINS [ironically] Quite sure?
PICKERING Absolutely. Really, that was all.
MRS. HIGGINS You didn’t thank her, or pet her, or admire her, or tell her how splendid she’d been.
HIGGINS [impatiently] But she knew all about that. We didnt make speeches to her, if thats what you mean.
PICKERING [conscience stricken] Perhaps we were a little inconsiderate. Is she very angry?
MRS. HIGGINS [returning to her place at the writing-table] Well, I’m afraid she wont go back to Wimpole Street, especially now that Mr. Doolittle is able to keep up the position you have thrust on her; but she says she is quite willing to meet you on friendly terms and to let bygones be bygones.
HIGGINS [furious] Is she, by George? Ho!
MRS. HIGGINS If you promise to behave yourself, Henry, I’ll ask her to come down. If not, go home; for you have taken up quite enough of my time.
HIGGINS Oh, all right. Very well. Pick: you behave yourself. Let us put on our best Sunday manners for this creature that we picked out of the mud. [He flings himself sulkily into the Elizabethan chair].
DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Now, now, Henry Higgins! have some consideration for my feelings as a middle class man.
MRS. HIGGINS Remember your promise, Henry. [She presses the bell-button on the writing-table]. Mr. Doolittle: will you be so good as to step out on the balcony for a moment. I dont want Eliza to have the shock of your news until she has made it up with these two gentlemen. Would you mind?
DOOLITTLE As you wish, lady. Anything to help Henry to keep her off my hands. [He disappears through the window]. The parlor-maid answers the bell. PICKERING sits down in DOOLITTLE’s place.
MRS. HIGGINS Ask Miss Doolittle to come down, please.
THE PARLOR-MAID Yes, mam. [She goes out].
MRS. HIGGINS Now, Henry: be good.
HIGGINS I am behaving myself perfectly.
PICKERING He is doing his best, Mrs. Higgins.
A pause. HIGGINS throws back his head; stretches out his legs; and begins to whistle.
MRS. HIGGINS Henry, dearest, you dont look at all nice in that attitude.
HIGGINS [pulling himself together] I was not trying to look nice, mother.
MRS. HIGGINS It doesnt matter, dear. I only wanted to make you speak.
HIGGINS Why?
MRS. HIGGINS Because you cant speak and whistle at the same time. Higgins groans. Another very trying pause.
HIGGINS [springing up, out of patience] Where the devil is that girl? Are we to wait here all day?
ELIZA enters, sunny, self-possessed, and giving a staggeringly convincing exhibition of ease of manner. She carries a little work-basket, and is very much at home. PICKERING is too much taken aback to rise.
LIZA How do you do, Professor Higgins? Are you quite well?
HIGGINS [choking] Am I — [He can say no more].
LIZA But of course you are: you are never ill. So glad to see you again, Colonel Pickering. [He rises hastily; and they shake hands]. Quite chilly this morning, isnt it? [She sits down on his left. He sits beside her].
HIGGINS Dont you dare try this game on me. I taught it to you; and it doesnt take me in. Get up and come home; and dont be a fool.
ELIZA takes a piece of needlework from her basket, and begins to stitch at it, without taking the least notice of this outburst.
MRS. HIGGINS Very nicely put, indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation.
HIGGINS You let her alone, mother. Let her speak for herself. You will jolly soon see whether she has an idea that I havnt put into her head or a word that I havnt put into her mouth. I tell you I have created this th
ing out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden; and now she pretends to play the fine lady with me.
MRS. HIGGINS [placidly] Yes, dear; but youll sit down, wont you?
HIGGINS sits down again, savagely.
LIZA [to Pickering, taking no apparent notice of Higgins, and working away deftly] Will you drop me altogether now that the experiment is over, Colonel Pickering?
PICKERING Oh dont. You mustnt think of it as an experiment. It shocks me, somehow.
LIZA Oh, I’m only a squashed cabbage leaf —
PICKERING [impulsively] No.
LIZA [continuing quietly] — but I owe so much to you that I should be very unhappy if you forgot me.
PICKERING It’s very kind of you to say so, Miss Doolittle.
LIZA It’s not because you paid for my dresses. I know you are generous to everybody with money. But it was from you that I learnt really nice manners; and that is what makes one a lady, isnt it? You see it was so very difficult for me with the example of Professor Higgins always before me. I was brought up to be just like him, unable to control myself, and using bad language on the slightest provocation. And I should never have known that ladies and gentlemen didnt behave like that if you hadnt been there.
HIGGINS Well!!
PICKERING Oh, thats only his way, you know. He doesnt mean it.
LIZA Oh, I didnt mean it either, when I was a flower girl. It was only my way. But you see I did it; and thats what makes the difference after all.
PICKERING No doubt. Still, he taught you to speak; and I couldnt have done that, you know.
LIZA [trivially] Of course: that is his profession.
HIGGINS Damnation!
LIZA [continuing] It was just like learning to dance in the fashionable way: there was nothing more than that in it. But do you know what began my real education?
PICKERING What?
LIZA [stopping her work for a moment] Your calling me Miss Doolittle that day when I first came to Wimpole Street. That was the beginning of self-respect for me. [She resumes her stitching ]. And there were a hundred little things you never noticed, because they came naturally to you. Things about standing up and taking off your hat and opening door —
PICKERING Oh, that was nothing.
LIZA Yes: things that shewed you thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a scullery-maid; though of course I know you would have been just the same to a scullery-maid if she had been let in the drawing-room. You never took off your boots in the dining room when I was there.
PICKERING You mustnt mind that. Higgins takes off his boots all over the place.
LIZA I know. I am not blaming him. It is his way, isnt it? But it made such a difference to me that you didnt do it.You see, really and truly, apart from the things anyone can pick up (the dressing and the proper way of speaking, and so on), the difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how shes treated. I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins, because he always treats me as a flower girl, and always will; but I know I can be a lady to you, because you always treat me as a lady, and always will.
MRS. HIGGINS Please dont grind your teeth, Henry.
PICKERING Well, this is really very nice of you, Miss Doolittle.
LIZA I should like you to call me Eliza, now, if you would.
PICKERING Thank you. Eliza, of course.
LIZA And I should like Professor Higgins to call me Miss Doolittle.
HIGGINS I’ll see you damned first.
MRS. HIGGINS Henry! Henry!
PICKERING [laughing] Why dont you slang back at him? Dont stand it. It would do him a lot of good.
LIZA I cant. I could have done it once; but now I cant go back to it. Last night, when I was wandering about, a girl spoke to me; and I tried to get back into the old way with her; but it was no use. You told me, you know, that when a child is brought to a foreign country, it picks up the language in a few weeks, and forgets its own. Well, I am a child in your country. I have forgotten my own language, and can speak nothing but yours. Thats the real break-off with the corner of Tottenham Court Road. Leaving Wimpole Street finishes it.
PICKERING [much alarmed] Oh! but youre coming back to Wimpole Street, arnt you? Youll forgive Higgins?
HIGGINS [rising] Forgive! Will she, by George! Let her go. Let her find out how she can get on without us. She will relapse into the gutter in three weeks without me at her elbow. DOOLITTLE appears at the centre window. With a look of dignified reproach at HIGGINS, he comes slowly and silently to his daughter, who, with her back to the window, is unconscious of his approach.
PICKERING Hes incorrigible, Eliza. You wont relapse, will you?
LIZA No: Not now. Never again. I have learnt my lesson. I dont believe I could utter one of the old sounds if I tried. [DOOLITTLE touches her on her left shoulder. She drops her work, losing her self-possession utterly at the spectacle of her father’s splendor] A-a-a-a-a-ah-ow-ooh!
HIGGINS [with a crow of triumph] Aha! Just so. A-a-a-a-ahowooh ! A-a-a-a-ahowooh! A-a-a-a-ahowooh! Victory! Victory ! [He throws himself on the divan, folding his arms, and spraddling arrogantly].
DOOLITTLE Can you blame the girl? Dont look at me like that, Eliza. It aint my fault. Ive come into some money.
LIZA You must have touched a millionaire this time, dad.
DOOLITTLE I have. But I’m dressed something special today. I’m going to St. George‘s, Hanover Square.[228] Your stepmother is going to marry me.
LIZA [angrily] Youre going to let yourself down to marry that low common woman!
PICKERING [quietly] He ought to, Eliza. [To DOOLITTLE] Why has she changed her mind?
DOOLITTLE [sadly] Intimidated. Governor. Intimidated. Middle class morality claims its victim. Wont you put on your hat, Liza, and come and see me turned off?
LIZA If the Colonel says I must, I — I’ll [almost sobbing] I’ll demean myself. And get insulted for my pains, like enough.
DOOLITTLE Dont be afraid: she never comes to words with anyone now, poor woman! respectability has broke all the spirit out of her.
PICKERING [squeezing ELIZA’s elbow gently] Be kind to them, Eliza. Make the best of it.
LIZA [forcing a little smile for him through her vexation] Oh well, just to shew theres no ill feeling. I’ll be back in a moment. [She goes out].
DOOLITTLE [sitting down beside PICKERING] I feel uncommon nervous about the ceremony, Colonel. I wish youd come and see me through it.
PICKERING But youve been through it before, man. You were married to Eliza’s mother.
DOOLITTLE Who told you that, Colonel?
PICKERING Well, nobody told me. But I concluded — natu — rally —
DOOLITTLE No: that aint the natural way, Colonel: it’s only the middle class way. My way was always the undeserving way. But dont say nothing to Eliza. She dont know: I always had a delicacy about telling her.
PICKERING Quite right. We’ll leave it so, if you dont mind.
DOOLITTLE And youll come to the church, Colonel, and put me through straight?
PICKERING With pleasure. As far as a bachelor can.
MRS. HIGGINS May I come, Mr. Doolittle? I should be very sorry to miss your wedding.
DOOLITTLE I should indeed be honored by your condescension, maam; and my poor old woman would take it as a tremenjous compliment. Shes been very low, thinking of the happy days that are no more.
MRS. HIGGINS [rising] I’ll order the carriage and get ready. [The men rise, except HIGGINS]. I shant be more than fifteen minutes. [As she goes to the door ELIZA comes in, hatted and buttoning her gloves]. I’m going to the church to see your father married, Eliza. You had better come in the brougham[229] with me. Colonel Pickering can go on with the bridegroom. MRS. HIGGINS goes out. ELIZA comes to the middle of the room between the centre window and the ottoman. Pickering joins her.
DOOLITTLE Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man realize his position, somehow. [He takes up his hat and goes towards the door].
PIC
KERING Before I go, Eliza, do forgive him and come back to us.
LIZA I dont think papa would allow me. Would you, dad?
DOOLITTLE [sad but magnanimous] They played you off very cunning, Eliza, them two sportsmen. If it had been only one of them, you could have nailed him. But you see, there was two; and one of them chaperoned the other, as you might say. [To PICKERING] It was artful of you, Colonel; but I bear no malice: I should have done the same myself. I been the victim of one woman after another all my life; and I dont grudge you two getting the better of Eliza. I shant interfere. It’s time for us to go, Colonel. So long, Henry. See you in St. George‘s, Eliza. [He goes out].
PICKERING [coaxing] Do stay with us, Eliza. [Hefollows Doolittle ].
ELIZA goes out on the balcony to avoid being alone with HIGGINS. He rises and joins her there. She immediately comes back into the room and makes for the door; but he goes along the balcony quickly and gets his back to the door before she reaches it.
Pygmalion and Three Other Plays Page 44
