by Mary Alford
“Another lie?” He didn’t wait for me to answer. “Why are you lying to me?” I’d hurt him, but still I couldn’t tell him the truth. “Why all this secrecy? What’s going on with you lately?”
“Nothing. I’m not being secretive, Roc, not really. It’s just…I don’t know.”
“You’re still lying. You used to tell me everything. What’s happened to change that? Is it me?” His voice sounded so uncertain I found it hard to credit it as coming from Roc.
“No…no, Roc it isn’t you. It’s just…everything, I guess. The job, the fact that it’s close to the time my parents were killed…everything.”
Tell him the truth! My conscience shouted. Tell him about your brother—about his baby. About your change of heart. But I couldn’t do any of those things because the words just wouldn’t come. Was this the first real sign there was nothing left for Roc and me?
“Why won’t you let me help you? You used to talk to me when you were feeling pressured by the job.”
At the pain in Roc’s expression, I forced myself to examine my actions from his viewpoint for once. I didn’t really like the person I saw in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. I guess I’m just restless. But it isn’t you, Roc. You have to know it isn’t you.”
“Isn’t it? I’m not so sure anymore. Look, Lena, I’ve been thinking about this and maybe we need to take some time apart. You need space to figure out what you want from me, or if you still want me because right now, I’m not so sure.”
“You’re leaving me?” I almost didn’t get the words out. I felt the first prickle of tears, but I couldn’t show any weakness. I was supposed to be strong.
“You know I love you, Lena, and I will always care about you, but we both know how hard it is to make a relationship work under normal circumstances. With the type of work we do…” He didn’t finish. He didn’t need to. I understood.
As I looked into his eyes, I wasn’t seeing the Roc who had been my friend and my lover for so long. It was as if Roc were closing his heart to me. I didn’t understand what was happening to us anymore. Maybe we were no longer the same two people we’d once been. Maybe our love was nothing more than an illusion. I only knew I couldn’t fight it anymore.
“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted at last. “Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten this…involved with each other considering…well, considering everything. We both knew it would eventually cause problems.”
Roc simply nodded and walked to the door before turning back to me. “You know I’ll always be there for you, don’t you, Lena? If you want to talk about anything, you know where to find me.”
“Yes, I know.” Those words were the hardest to say because it felt as if we were saying goodbye. Somehow, I held it together until he’d closed the door.
I sank down to the floor and covered my eyes. What was wrong with me? Roc meant everything to me. I couldn’t imagine my life without him yet I was deliberately doing all the things to push him away.
Suddenly, for the first time, I thought about what my life would be like without Roc. Even though we lived separate lives, wherever I looked in this tiny apartment, Roc was there and I desperately needed to exorcise his ghost. This might be my home, but Roc was everywhere within these walls.
I stepped out onto the balcony and confronted the first ghost. I remembered the first night after we were married. We’d come back here. We’d ended up out here, wrapped in a blanket and each other’s arms and we’d talked until the morning sun.
Back then, we could talk about anything. Or so I’d thought. But we’d never covered our future together beyond The Agency.
I forced myself to remember every minute of that time I’d spent here with him as I sat on the hard concrete of the balcony and cried silent tears.
“Lena?” My eyes were closed. I wasn’t looking at the stars above me, I was remembering. At the soft sound of my name, my eyes flew open. Roc was so close tonight that I could almost hear him say my name. Was this the first real sign that I was destined to spend the rest of my life missing him?
“Lena.” This was no figment of my imagination. This was real! A shadow blocked the light from inside. I jumped to my feet. He was here. He was right here and he was real. I blinked, then blinked again but he never moved. Never disappeared.
“Lena, I need you to talk to me. I need to talk to you.”
I didn’t wait to hear what he needed so desperately to tell me that he’d stepped out of my dreams and into my reality. I brushed past him and started for the door, determined that one of us should leave. I couldn’t face the future alone and have this conversation with him. But I couldn’t outrun Roc. He caught me just before I got away and forced me to face him.
“Lena, please. Talk to me. For God’s sake, talk to me.” I stubbornly shook my head and he added, “Is there someone else?”
I started to laugh but I shook with emotion. How could he think I’d ever choose another man over him?
“How can you ask me that? How can you even think that? I can’t do this right now,” I told him once again and hated the tears that were so close.
“I’m not going anywhere. I need to talk to you and I’m not leaving until I do. Even if I have to keep you a prisoner here until I’ve said what I need to say.” The husky sound of his voice pulled me in. It made me wish for the impossible.
“What have you been up to, Lena?” He shook his head. I could almost believe that was real hurt in his eyes. “What’s going on with you? You look dreadful. What have you gotten yourself involved in?”
When I couldn’t even begin to explain the truth about our baby, he said. “Lena, I love you, but I can’t walk away from The Agency. I can’t. Not now. Please, don’t ask me to choose between it and you, because I can’t do that right now.” He stopped when he saw my reaction. Until this moment, I’d always held out a tiny amount of hope that when faced with the choice, Roc would choose me.
“Someday,” he said softly and I held up a hand.
“Please don’t lie.” I couldn’t let him give me promises he wouldn’t keep and I couldn’t keep from crying.
He slowly turned and walked to the door. “If you need me, call.” With those final parting words, he was gone. I knew what Roc wasn’t saying. What I didn’t want to believe, and yet I’d eventually have to accept. We were over.
Neither of us wanted to say it. But we both knew the truth. We were tied to different needs. I needed out. He needed the rush. We’d been foolish to expect a romance like ours to work in the first place. We now faced the biggest challenge of our lives. Surviving our love.
~
I made it a point to be the first to arrive at the next Agency meeting to avoid that awkward first encounter between Roc and myself since our decision to take some time apart.
Roc was sitting at one of the desks going over some paperwork when I walked in. He didn’t know how to react to me. Normally, we never had any reservation about showing each other affection when we were alone, but tonight things were different. We weren’t together anymore.
After the first few strained minutes of silence, while we searched for something to say to each other, I decided this was crazy. Roc was my husband still. And he’d been my friend long before we’d married and no matter what happened between us, I knew I would never marry again.
I went over and put my arms around him. Roc pulled me close.
“Lena, I’m sorry about the other night—I mean the way I did things. I could have given you more warning. I just kind of dumped that on you. That wasn’t my intention. It just sort of happened that way. But I do still think it’s a good idea if we take some time away from each other, don’t you?”
“No, you were right. But no matter what happens between us, I’ll always love you.” I struggled to get those words out through the tightening in my throat.
I was such a fake. I didn’t feel that way at all. I wanted to plead with Roc not to leave me. Wanted to tell him about our child, beg him to help me
work things out between us but instead I was silent. I couldn’t force Roc to stay with me, even though I’d spend the rest of my life regretting letting him simply walk away.
I was consumed with so many doubts about all the lies I’d told Roc recently and the things I’d withheld from him that he had a right to know, as my commander if not my husband.
Looking at him for the first time after the way things ended the other night, I knew I would never be free of loving him. Roc was the one. The only one. He’d always be the only one.
I’d never felt this lost before in my life. How could I ever move on without him? Without the most important person in the world to me? In fact, for weeks now I’d been expecting it because I’d been pushing him away for a long time. I told myself that I was strong enough to survive on my own. I’d be okay. I didn’t need any man. That was such a lie.
I sensed that Roc wanted to say something more—something important maybe, but before he could say anything further, Mark interrupted us. For a moment, our eyes met, full of unspoken questions and desires. All of which would have to wait until another time.
Mark took Roc aside for a second. I couldn’t make out what they were discussing but I could almost feel Mark’s excitement.
“Lena, I was just telling Roc that I intercepted an encrypted disk earlier today.” Mark pulled out his little handheld computer and started to give me the details. “I managed to crack the encryption but the document is in code. I’ll need you to translate it.
I sent it to your secure e-mail a few minutes ago. Can you get on it right away?”
“Sure, I’ll take a look as soon as I get home.”
Becca and Stevie arrived soon after, making any further attempt at intimate conversation impossible. I would have to wait until the meeting ended to talk to Roc again.
Throughout the evening, I noticed how distracted Roc appeared to be. He barely listened to what Mark was saying.
“We were able to track down the place where Silvers was holed up, but someone must have tipped him off, because the place had been cleared out. We have our forensic team going over the place with a fine toothcomb. Hopefully, something will turn up.” Roc simply nodded without comment. After a brief, awkward pause, Mark turned to
Stevie. “Did you find anything useful from the other agencies?”
“Nope, no one knows anything and for once, I believe it.”
“Apparently, Silvers has gotten wind of the slip-up with the money transfer. Since that time, there’s been nothing. Not a peep.” Becca looked to Roc, who made no comment. “They must have another source for gaining access to their funds. Maybe it’s being laundered. It happens.” Her gaze slid to Mark’s in question.
Roc roused himself and faced the group.
“I wanted you all to know that I’ve received a new assignment today. I’ll be leaving the group for an extended period, beginning right away. I know this is the worst possible timing.” Roc’s eyes lingered on mine. “But unfortunately, it cannot be helped. This mission is of equal importance.” He stopped as if perhaps he’d lost his train of thought. “I don’t know when I’ll be back and, of course, I can’t tell you where I’m going. All I know is that this assignment could be indefinite.”
At the shocked silence that greeted his words, all eyes went to me. Curiosity mingled with sympathy. I couldn’t even begin to hide the fact that I hadn’t known about Roc’s leaving until now.
“I’ve been asked in my absence to turn control over to Mark since he’s been with The Agency the longest. I’ll try as much as possible to keep in touch with Mark, so if you need me for any reason, you’ll have to let Mark know. Everyone needs to continue with their current assignments, and of course, anything Mark feels necessary to give you. I realize this leaves us short a man, which is dangerous, all things considered. I hope you’ll all remember that and be extremely careful in everything you do. We all know the risks, right? There’s no need to take unnecessary chances.”
It was the hardest thing in the world to get through the rest of that night without falling apart in front of everyone. Throughout the remainder of the meeting, Roc’s eyes rarely left mine. He was telling me in all ways that he couldn’t with words, how hard this was for him as well.
After the meeting finally ended and while each team member stopped by to say goodbye, I waited, hoping to get a few minutes alone with him. But Mark had things that needed addressing in Roc’s absence. I couldn’t speak to Roc alone.
“When were you going to tell me?” I asked, my voice literally shaking with emotion. It hurt that he’d chosen this way to end things, and I believed this was ultimately what Roc was doing. I guessed the answer before I asked the question but I couldn’t stop the words.
“Lena, I just found out a few minutes before the meeting.”
“So this is how you chose to tell me? In front of everyone?”
Roc watched as unfamiliar tears materialized in my eyes before turning back to
Mark. “Mark, can you excuse us for a minute?”
I barely waited until Mark was out of earshot before confronting Roc again.
“Why would you agree to take a permanent assignment in the first place, with everything happening here? Ed’s been after you for years to do this and you’ve always refused before. Why now, Roc? And why wouldn’t you talk this over with me first? I’m your wife. Do you even care?” It was then that it finally hit me. I forced myself to ask him, “You aren’t coming back, are you?”
“Lena, don’t be ridiculous. Of course, I’m coming back. Look, this is for the best. This will give us time apart. You know as well as I do, that things have been…strained between us lately.” A single tear fell from my eye and he tried to comfort me by pulling me into his arms. But I stepped away. “Lena, I am coming back. And when I do, we’ll talk about this. Maybe…”
Even before his eyes met mine, I knew the truth—that I would never see Roc again. I wanted to cry, which upset me even more. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way. I was supposed to be heartless, unemotional…tough. I wasn’t supposed to show weakness.
I turned and walked to the door.
“You know what, Roc, do whatever you want.”
“Lena,” he called after me, but even though I heard the despair in his voice, I never turned back. I couldn’t. I was crying and I couldn’t let Roc see those tears. I didn’t want to care this much.
When I got back to my apartment that night, I found I’d lost the will to go back out on the streets to search for my brother. I felt sad, broken, and alone. As if someone had kicked me in the gut. And there was no one to share that pain with anymore.
I was still sitting alone in the dark crying when Roc knocked on my door later that night.
The second Roc closed the door and we stood facing each other, I knew what was going to happen, and I wanted it—I needed it to end this way.
“I’m sorry,” he said at last, turning to me once more. It wasn’t so much the words but the way he said them. My heart shattered into a thousand different pieces when I looked at him.
“Lena, no! No tears. I can take anything but your tears.” Frustration and anger roughened his voice.
He took a single step closer.
I held up a hand to stop him. “No. Wait. Roc, just let me say this.” The words rushed out as I scrubbed at the tears. “I just need to say this right.” I stopped and drew another deep breath. “I’m sorry,” I said with more resolve than I felt. “I’m sorry for the way things have been between us lately. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry. I’m so terribly sorry.”
My words died away. I swallowed hard. It sounded more like a sob. I turned away because I couldn’t look at him and tell him the things I needed him to hear from me.
“And thank you.”
“Lena…” I’d never heard Roc sound so lost before.
“No, I mean it, Roc. Thank you. For everything. For loving me. For everything.”
“Lena, shut up!” He closed the final space between u
s and dragged me into his arms, his lips claiming mine.
I couldn’t get close enough to him. He tasted like forever. Familiar. Warm. Roc.
“I wish…” he whispered into the silence between us.
“What?” I looked up at him and asked.
“I wish I’d never fallen in love with you, Lena.” At his confession, I started to cry once more. I tried to push him away, but he wasn’t prepared to let me go just yet.
He gathered me close. “I’m sorry. I just never imagined it would hurt this much.”
“Roc.” I tried to speak but the tears were still too close.
“I know I’ve hurt you. I can’t tell you how this makes me feel. I never meant to, Lena. You have to believe me.”
“I know that.”
“I should go. I’m only upsetting you by remaining. If I stay, I’ll want to…”
“Roc!”
He untangled my clinging arms and brushed a thumb over the tears clinging to my cheek.
“Roc. Please don’t go.”
He touched my face gently. “You look so beautiful.” I turned my lips against his palm and kissed it.
"Lena.” My name tore from his lips.
“Don’t go. Please. Don’t leave, Roc. It doesn’t have to be like this.”
I could see hope take life inside of him briefly and then it was gone. “It does. We both know that it does. I can’t stay, Lena. I have to go.”
“I have to go, Lena. I have a job to do.” He headed for the door before he turned to look at me one last time. “I love you,” he said and then he walked out of my apartment without another word. But then no words were necessary. We both knew this was goodbye.
Chapter Five
When I awoke the following morning, I knew even before I called his cell phone that Roc had left on assignment already.
In the reality of this new day, the previous things I’d believed mattered no longer had much importance in my life. It’s funny how losing someone you love changes your perspective on life. As soon as Roc returned from his mission, I’d tell him the truth about everything. Our child. My faith. My brother.
