“Oh come on, Zack! You have to admit, that was classic!” She laughed harder. “You two are so gone on each other and neither of you wants to give in. You’re going to have to learn to rein yourself in if you want to keep her. She’s not going to put up with your bullshit managing of her life,” she told him plainly.
Then she sobered up. “Relax, it will all work out. She’s madly in love with you. I can tell. Seeing you with me was making her sick to her stomach. That’s a good sign.” She laughed again as Zack’s expression cleared a little. “You poor man, you are definitely done in aren’t you?” Zack turned red and smiled sheepishly.
Zack’s entire lunch with Rachel had been pure torture. From the moment he’d seen Amanda with another man he’d felt the urge to pummel her companion. He couldn’t tell who it was because the guy’s back was to him and Amanda’s intense focus on him had irritated Zack beyond belief. He’d spent nearly the whole time willing Amanda to look at him, without success. She’d deliberately ignored him. The only thing that had saved his sanity was that he could feel how unhappy she was and how much she was missing him. Good, there’s still hope, he kept telling himself.
He didn’t know why everything had to be so Goddamned difficult, or why everything had to be such a challenge with her. But he did know he was determined to keep her. His response to seeing her with another man had taught him, again, she was too important to him to lose.
* * * *
Amanda sat curled up in the wooden rocker on her bedroom balcony. Cradled in the crook of one knee was a half-empty bottle of Sam Adams Lager. Or was it half full, she mused? No, in her current state of being, it was definitely half empty.
It was mid-evening and she was watching the sun as it touched down in its final descent on the horizon, casting rays of red, gold, orange, and a beautiful deep lavender. It was down far enough now that she didn’t need to shield her eyes. She could watch it set in wonder of God’s gifts to the human race. She was feeling a titch philosophical, maybe a titch nostalgic, and just a titch tipsy, she acknowledged, grinning to herself.
Maybe she shouldn’t have picked up the high alcohol content lager she had, because she was most definitely drunk. Since she hadn’t really eaten much of anything today there was nothing in her stomach to absorb that alcohol. Perhaps that was just as well. She needed to feel numb and this had certainly done the trick for her, lightweight that she was.
After her lunch with Jared they had walked across the street to PPG Plaza to watch the fountain’s one hundred and forty jets, arrayed around a granite obelisk, spray skyward in cyclically alternating heights. In the winter the fountained plaza was turned into an ice rink and a towering Christmas tree covered the center obelisk.
Sitting at one of the round metal shaded tables she and Jared had spent another good couple of hours talking and watching children run through the water jets, which were set flush into the floor of the plaza, and watching the corporate raiders, as they made their way through the fray, wistfully watch the kids play. Relaxing in the outdoor courtyard of PPG was curiously like being within a glass-walled castle. The sun reflected off of the mirror-like windows of the skyscraper, casting it around and back down into the open-air court.
For the most part their visit had been nice, comfortable, and fun. Jared had a great sense of humor and was easy to be with. He eased the knot Amanda had felt forming while at the restaurant. By the end of their extended impromptu lunch date Jared understood that Amanda had feelings for Zachary, and that she was confused about her relationship with him. Amanda had told Jared he shouldn’t continue to pursue her, and that she was too mixed up. But he’d, not so jokingly, claimed that until Amanda had a ring on her finger, she was fair game. He’d also informed her gently, and somewhat firmly, he intended to continue to try to court her. He’d told her it would be good for Zack to have some competition and hadn’t understood when Amanda had choked and answered that, “Zack already felt he had plenty.” Well, she’d warned him off. It would be up to Jared to get the message.
Feeling overwhelmed by her day, her feelings, and her own indecision, Amanda had chosen to indulge in some libation. She’d stopped off at a local watering hole and picked up a six pack before heading home. Whatever she didn’t finish over the weekend she’d take back with her to the cottage. She justified her actions by reminding herself she needed some calm, some peace of mind, that dealing with Zack and his family tomorrow was going to be hard, and that she could pander to herself for one night.
“Amanda! I know you’re home! Would you please answer the damn door?”
She rose unevenly from her chair, grasping the railing with one hand for support and belatedly grabbing the bottle of beer as she nearly spilled it on the balcony. Finally gaining her feet, she looked down, causing her head to spin uncomfortably. Making herself focus, she saw Zack standing on her sidewalk. His hands were on his hips, and frustration was written on his rugged countenance.
“Hey, Zack!” she called companionably, leaning an elbow on the railing and resting her chin in her hand. “Whatcha doin’ here?” she asked as if it were of no real import.
Indeed, to her his presence had none. One, or two, or… She stopped to think. How many beers had she had? Okay…one or maybe three beers would do that for her. Cause her not to care that was. Huh, maybe she shouldn’t buy that high-alcohol-content stuff anymore.
“We need to talk, Mandy. May I come in?” He was looking at her quizzically. “I’ve been knocking for a couple of minutes. I was leaving when I looked up and saw you. Why didn’t you answer the door?”
“Didn’t hear ya,” she replied succinctly.
“Come on up,” she told him, gesturing expansively, as though he could climb the outside wall. She was feeling generous all of a sudden, though somewhere in the back of her mind she thought she should be angry with him. She decided she’d tell him so.
“Zack, you know, I’m supposed to be mad at you.” She giggled down at him, failing to keep the sober look she’d been aiming for. “But I’ll have to get back to you on that.” Zack now looked confused which tickled her and she laughed at him again.
“Amanda, the door is locked. You’ll need to open it, unless you want me to climb in through the window,” he said sarcastically.
“Ah, dear fellow…” She hiccupped and then continued. “You are wrong. The door is stuck, not locked. The windows are locked, however, so you’ll have to climb in through the door.” Something about that didn’t sound quite right and she mulled it over in her mind, forgetting about Zack momentarily.
“Are you all right?” Zack sounded a little alarmed and his voice caught her attention once more.
“Certainly,” she replied with forced dignity. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Humph! I’m coming up.” His reply had a sour note to it.
“Oh joy! Rapture!” she called back facetiously. The domineering prick was going to rain on her parade.
Using his shoulder to force open the door, which Amanda had been correct, was stuck, not locked, he entered her home, locking the door behind him. He took the stairs two at a time in his concern about her. She seemed, off. What the hell did she mean she would get back to him about being mad? Never mind that! He had more important things to worry about, like the for-sale sign in her front yard and the lock box on her front door. His stomach flipped. She was leaving. David’s words echoed in his brain once more.
He found her just as he’d left her, leaning over the railing with her chin in her hands. Her tight and rounded little ass, covered in very short jean shorts, poked out at him because she was bent half-over, her hip cocked to one side and one ankle lazily crossed over the other. She appeared to be contemplating her front lawn. Her long ponytail cascaded in a disheveled red waterfall over one shoulder, picking up the last of the sun’s rays.
The cause of her erratic behavior became obvious as he took in…one, two, empty beer bottles on the floor of the balcony and a third in her hand. Raising his eyebrows he said, “Hmm
…” He wondered where to start and how contrary she was going to be.
“Amanda? Baby doll? What’s going on?”
He’d never known her to get drunk. As a matter of fact, she rarely drank, even socially, at the events they’d both attended. Something was definitely pushing her over the edge if she felt the need to overindulge this much. Considering she was such a lightweight it wouldn’t take much to make her loopy. As she turned around to answer him she wobbled precariously and nearly overshot the railing as she reached for it to steady herself. He held his breath and prayed she wouldn’t fall over it.
“I’m relaxing in my own home, that’s all. I’ve had some things bothering me and I’m tired of thinking about them and feeling all torn up and raw inside, ya know? I’m thinking about moving on.” She gestured with a broad wave of one arm and flip of her wrist that was oddly elegant in her drunken condition.
“Maybe Florida?” Her head tipped as she considered. “Maybe not, big bugs.” She shuddered in distaste. “I’m not sure exactly, but I need a change. Don’t worry, I’ve written you my resig…uh, resignation.”
Zack grimaced as she began to slur her words, and at the massive wave of hurt he felt coming off of her that was creating the thoughts of running away. Good Lord, he’d done a number on her. He’d thrown too much at her too fast, overreacted one time too many, tried to manage her way too much. How could he convince her to stay with him? He felt sick to his stomach. She’d been planning all week to leave him. If he hadn’t come over tonight he might have been too late, because she’d never admit stone cold sober what she’d just told him now.
Lifting one foot to curl under her, she attempted to sink back down into her rocker and invited him to grab a beer for himself, telling him she was gonna hit the road “as soon as I’m done with Tabott, and with Josh, and as soon as David leaves to be with our baby girl.”
She overestimated her landing in the rocker, causing it to tip alarmingly, and Zack made a dive to catch her before she toppled herself backward off of it. He blew out a breath of pure relief as he eased the chair back to an upright position, with Amanda absently wiping spilled beer from her arm and apparently none the wiser for her near tumble.
Her last statement finally caught Zack’s attention. That’s what had had her all gnarled up inside last Saturday on their way to his folks’ place. Damn it! She must have picked it up from his thoughts. He’d felt an excess of sadness and nostalgia on Saturday night, too, as he and Cara had taken Emma and Lissie from Amanda’s arms. She’d been thinking about and missing the baby girl she’d never gotten to hold and love. Christ! He still couldn’t fathom the depth of her residual pain and here he was acting like an asshole and making her hurt worse. He wanted to cry for her the ache in his chest was so pronounced.
Thinking he might need, at least, one beer before the night was out he told her he’d be right back. When he was halfway down the stairs he heard her call cheerily, “and bring me another too!” Right, like she needed a fourth beer! He shook his head. She was going to be very sorry later tonight and through tomorrow morning. He did get a beer for himself, but filled a large glass full of water for Amanda. The alcohol was going to dry her out and she’d need the water to rehydrate, as well as dilute, whatever was in her stomach already, which was plenty.
He made a determined effort to focus on keeping her on an even keel and shook off his own misery. He had to find a way to get her to stay without becoming confrontational or forceful with her. Settling down next to her in a second rocker Zack kicked his long legs up on the railing and studied her. She looked pale, and had tired circles under her eyes, and he’d swear she’d lost a few pounds during the week.
Holding the glass of water out to her he said, “Here, babe, drink this.”
“I asked for another beer, Zack,” she griped at him.
Trying to keep it light he forced a laugh, causing her to frown. “I think you’ve had enough,” he told her gently, trying not to raise her ire. He set the glass down on the small table situated between each chair when she ignored his offering.
“Have you eaten anything today?” He’d seen her push her food around at lunch and doubted she’d eaten dinner.
“Alwaysh…” She shook her head and tried again, making an effort to enunciate more clearly. “Always trying to manage me, orange you?” she muttered. “Never mind, I’ll jush finish thish.”
She picked up the bottle she’d almost dropped earlier and he was relieved to see it was now mostly empty since she’d spilled it. Waving it at him she told him, “I’m…when I’m…done. I’ll…uh…get my own.” Everything she’d said came out slightly garbled and he chuckled again.
“Okay,” he replied agreeably, knowing she’d never make it as far as the stairs in her current state and if she did he’d just bring her right back.
“Sooooo….why’d Zack drop by you?” she asked around a yawn, not noticing she’d mixed up the order of her words. “I’m sure just you weren’t in the neighborhood.”
Zack chuckled as she continued through her inebriated discussion. She was kind of fun when she was drunk. Too bad she’d be anything but fun on the tail end of it. He didn’t need to be precognitive to see more vomit in his immediate future and he groaned while cracking open his own beer. Her throwing up didn’t bother him, it was watching her misery while she was in the midst of it that did. She had the weakest stomach of anyone he’d ever known and why she’d put herself through this was beyond him. But it was too late to stop now. The damage had been done and he felt partly responsible. He’d, literally, driven her to drink.
“I wanted to talk to you, about us.” He knew it would be completely useless to have this discussion with her in her current state but answered her anyway. Maybe he’d get the truth from her since her walls were down, even if she didn’t remember their conversation.
“What about us?” she asked. “Is there really an us?” Each “us” sounded like “ush” and she leaned back against the rocker and rolled her head over to look at him. He saw tears spring to her eyes and trickle down her cheeks, but she made no attempt to hide them. Perhaps she wasn’t even aware she was crying, he thought. The unhidden pain in her voice made his chest ache worse.
“Oh babe…I’m so sorry I keep hurting you.” He was filled with self-disgust. Reaching across the space between them he ran his knuckles softly down her cheek, wiping the tears from it. “I don’t mean to, really, I don’t. I just worry about you and it comes out all wrong. I lose perspective too easily when it comes to you. I love you, Mandy, and I want you to know that before it’s too late, before you walk away for good. I love you, and I’m asking you to please forgive me.”
She sobered slightly, making a real attempt to be straight with him. “I’m sorry, too. But I don’t know how to make this better. I could ask David not to come anymore, but I don’t think he’s our whole problem. He’s a symptom, not the disease.” She groaned trying to make her brain work around the thick fog of alcohol. More silent tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Come here, babe.” Zack put his feet down and opened his arms for her, setting his beer on the table. He tugged on her arm, trying to gain her attention. “Come sit with me.”
She rose unsteadily and took the two steps that brought her to him. He guided her down onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her as she melted against him, nestling her head under his chin like a sleepy kitten. The world seemed to stop, just for a moment, as he simply enjoyed the feel of her in his arms and the sweet scent of her hair tickling his nose.
“You’re right. David is not wholly to blame. It’s my jealousy of him that causes part of the problem, as well as my need to manage you, as you keep pointing out. But, Amanda, you need to make some changes, too, you know? I love you, Mandy, but if we’re going to have an ‘us’ you need to let him go. I’m not saying right this moment, but soon. You need to learn to rely on me, just as I need to learn to rely on you. You need to learn to trust me and let me in. If we’re going to be together
we have to trust in and lean on each other.”
“I love you, too,” Amanda murmured against his chest.
He lifted her chin with his fingers and tried to look into her eyes, to gauge the strength of her words. But, it was getting too dark, and she’d been drinking. What she was feeling for him was a very strong affection, maybe it was love, but she was too drunk for her words or feelings to read properly.
“Would you be willing to repeat that when you’re sober?” he asked her, only half joking. He wasn’t sure if she was saying she loved him too, as in returning his love, or if she meant she loved him in addition to her husband. He also didn’t think she would be able to make that distinction at the moment.
He bent to her mouth, lightly brushing her lips with his and tickling along the seam with his tongue. When she opened readily to him he plunged deep into her sweet wet recesses, stroking her tongue with his. A soft sexy moan issued from her as he feathered his lips along her jaw to her ear and found the spot in the hollow behind it that was so erogenous to her. She turned her head, allowing freer access to her neck as she wrapped her arms around Zack’s neck, pressing her body against his, rubbing her breasts against the hard wall of his chest. As she squirmed against him he grew uncomfortably hard and stood with her in his arms. Setting her on her feet, he pulled her length against him, cradling her sweet firm ass in his large hands, then lifting her and rubbing her hot feminine cleft against his erection, grinding himself gently against her.
“Inside,” she directed him, pointing to her bed. Reaching around him to open the door her hand missed the knob and he stepped away from her, his hands on her waist as he lowered her to her feet.
He needed to get a handle on this before it went too far. He didn’t care, he’d take her inside, or even right there on the balcony for the entire world to see, but she needed to be aware of her actions. She especially needed to be aware of them considering the fact she hadn’t spoken to him in almost a week and was making plans to leave him. Did she really want to go to bed with him or was it just the alcohol talking? He certainly didn’t want her to use him just for his body, or the sex! Oh hell! Who was he kidding? He’d let her use his body anytime, anywhere she wanted. To be inside her was to be in Heaven, he’d take her however he could get her. Did he have to be noble and do the right thing? Yes. No matter how much his dick ached, he had to do right by Mandy.
Amanda's Touch [D.A.R.E.ing Women] (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 43
