by Linda Warren
She hated that everything he was saying was true. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d had sex. It had been a very long time. She’d just kept clinging to the past and hoping those old feelings would come back, but they hadn’t. He didn’t need her anymore and she wondered why she still needed him.
“I think we clung to the past because it was comfortable for both of us, an easy place to be. But we’re older and we need more, or at least I do.”
She turned from the sink, determined to be the adult she was supposed to be. “I’m really trying to listen with an open heart, but it would be much easier to smack you for the hurt you’ve caused me.”
A smile touched his handsome face. “I’ll miss your humor. You always could make me smile and bring me out of the dumps better than anyone.”
“So you really love this Lisa?”
“Yes. She’s all I ever think about. Phoenix says I’m in lust, but I know differently.”
“Do you? You once said you loved me.”
He stared straight into her eyes. “How long has it been since I said that?”
And then it hit her. He hadn’t said it in years. They hadn’t had sex in years. They hadn’t been anything in years, only in her mind. She’d been clinging to the past just like he’d said. It was comfortable and she didn’t want to venture outside her comfort zone. So where did that leave her? Alone echoed through the hollow places of her heart.
And that was what scared her.
The moment she felt the fear inside her, it was gone, and it was replaced with something stronger—her pride. She wasn’t a weepy clinging sort of woman, and she wasn’t going to let him get away with making her feel like one.
“Do you remember the prom?”
He sighed. “Jenny, I don’t want to relive our high school years.”
“I remember the prom,” she went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “What a night.” She leaned against the cabinet, holding on to her cup as if it would keep her rooted to the floor and her emotions in check. “We had such a good time dancing with each other and with our friends. I was dancing with Brad Coleman and you were dancing with his girlfriend, Tonya. When the music stopped, you and Tonya weren’t there. Where were you, Paxton?”
“Jenny...” His sun-browned skin paled.
“Let me see, oh, yes, you were out in the foyer ramming your tongue down her throat. It was our first big fight, but being the big fool that I am I forgave you.” She touched her forehead. “I really should have fool tattooed there, don’t you think?”
“That was my fault, but you were holding out on sex and Tonya...well... You can be a prude sometimes.”
“Oh, no.” She shook a finger at him. “You don’t get to come over here and make me feel guilty. You’re a liar, a cheater and a jerk. I hope you treat Lisa much better than you ever treated me.”
“Jenny—”
“I just can’t believe I spent all these years with a fantasy in my head, because that’s what it was—just a fantasy.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
“Oh, I’m not hurt anymore.” She placed her coffee cup on the counter. “I’m moving on, Paxton, and that’s an exhilarating feeling. There has to be a nice guy out there somewhere who appreciates fidelity and undying love.” She headed for the hallway and turned back. “Thank Miss Kate for me for forcing you to come over here and apologize. It has opened my eyes and I feel liberated. Have a good life, but I’m really skeptical that you know the difference between lust and love. That’s Lisa’s problem now. Hallelujah.” She walked down the hall, leaving a stunned Paxton staring after her.
She raised her arms in victory. “Oh, yeah. That felt good,” she murmured under her breath. Falling headfirst onto her mattress, she groaned from the pounding in her head. She hoped she remembered all this vividly when her mind cleared, and that she could easily discard her feelings for Paxton. That would be a test in the days to come. There were a lot of guys out there, and she was going to find the perfect one who would love her just as much as she loved him. Oh, God, was that another fantasy?
Were there even guys like that? The ones who believed in true love and fidelity? Of course, she told herself. It may be like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack, but she wasn’t going to give up. She began to softly sing the song “I Will Survive” under her breath and drifted into sleep.
Chapter Five
Jenny slept most of Sunday in a drug-like stupor. When she was awake, it felt as if tiny people with big hammers were building a roof on her head. But even her aching head couldn’t block the thought that she had wasted a lot of years on Paxton. It wasn’t his fault. It was hers. She’d refused to see what even a blind person could—there was no future there.
By Monday morning, she was feeling better. Even her bruised pride had survived the weekend. She was on duty at the hospital, so she was up at 4:00 a.m. to start a twelve-hour shift, getting patients ready for surgery. And on Mondays the schedule was usually full. Back-to-back surgeries all day long.
She’d gotten up thirty minutes earlier because she had an errand to do. Slipping on jeans, boots and a T-shirt, she hurried toward the back door and the barn. Since it was September and still hot, White Dove preferred the corral to the barn. Jenny grabbed a couple of bridles and made her way there. The black-and-white paint horse raised its head as Jenny approached and trotted to the fence, followed by Jenny’s quarter horse, Sassy.
The moonlight cast an iridescent beam of brightness, making it easy for Jenny to see. She climbed the fence and stroked the horse’s face. Quincy had bought her at a horse auction in Laredo. She was skittish and had marks on her coat where she’d been beaten with a whip. Quincy had said he had gotten her cheap, but she doubted that. The horse was beautiful with a black patch on her left rump extending down part of her leg. Another black patch was on her shoulder and ran down part of her leg and stomach. The area between the patches was white and to Jenny it resembled a dove. Quincy had made a face when she’d said it, but he’d named her White Dove anyway. There were other black spots on her neck and body and her face had a white blaze. She was due in the spring with her first foal.
Jenny would miss that. A tiny choke squeezed her throat. “Sorry, girl, I have to return you.”
She slipped a bridle on Dovie and then on Sassy. With one hand, she opened the gate and then led the horses through and closed it. As she vaulted onto Dovie’s back, she winced. She wasn’t all that crazy about riding bareback, but since Dovie was pregnant Jenny wasn’t putting a saddle on her. Kneeing Dovie, she started off on a well-used trail to the Rebel property, leading Sassy.
She picked her way through the woods carefully, trying not to think that this was the last time she’d be riding this horse. The light thump of hooves sounded like thunder in the quiet darkness. Only the chirp of crickets and the croak of frogs in the small pond interrupted the quiet now and then. The darkness was all around her like a comfortable jacket, and she felt safe in these woods. She’d grown up here and knew every inch of them.
The closer she got to Quincy’s corral, the more she wanted to turn back. Even though her heart was breaking at having to give up something she loved, she continued her journey. That was what starting over was all about.
Soon she reached the property line and dismounted to open a barbed-wire gate she and Quincy had installed so Jenny wouldn’t have to walk so far to the barn. She swung onto Dovie’s back and made her way to Quincy’s barn and corral. Once there, she dismounted again and led Dovie through the pipe gate.
She stroked the horse’s face. “Goodbye, girl. Quincy will be good to you just like I was.” Wrapping her arms around Dovie’s neck, she held on tight.
The horse neighed softly.
Her throat squeezed in pain as tears threatened. Quickly, she kissed the horse and walked out, closing the gate. Dovie neighed again, but
Jenny kept walking. Swinging onto Sassy’s back, she rode away, letting the tears fall where they may.
As she made her way home, she refused to think about the past. It was over and she couldn’t go back. Today she was starting over and that began with breaking all ties to the Rebels.
No matter how much it hurt.
* * *
QUINCY WAS UP early on Monday. It was the beginning of a workweek and they always had a family meeting to discuss what needed to be done and who was going to do it. Before going to the office, he went to feed his paints. As he carried sweet feed in a bucket to a trough in the corral, he glimpsed White Dove walking back and forth along the fence.
Damn it! Jenny, you didn’t have to do this. Dovie continued to walk the pipe fence line, agitated. The other mares, sensing her anxiety, began to follow her. Red Hawk threw up his head and neighed, not liking that his mares were upset.
Quincy dumped the feed and the mares immediately trotted to the trough. Dovie continued to pace. He’d check in again on her later. A newcomer always interrupted the herd, but Dovie wasn’t new. The mares and Hawk knew her. It was Dovie who was causing a disturbance and he’d have to do something about it if her behavior continued during the day.
Late getting to the meeting, he quickly found a seat and was surprised to see Grandpa present. He’d left him nursing a cup of coffee this morning.
Fall roundup was around the corner and Falcon talked about what pastures they would work first. So far, nothing had been said about Saturday night. Paxton wasn’t even there and Phoenix sat slumped in a corner, probably hoping that Falcon and Jude couldn’t see him.
“Today I want all the fence lines checked on the pastures to make sure once we start roundup, the cattle can’t break the fences,” Falcon said.
“Paxton will be spending time with Lisa,” his mother announced. “And Phoenix will be helping me at the house for the next few days.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Elias was the first to voice his opinion, as always. “I get to work my butt off while Paxton and Phoenix get to laze around.”
Their mother looked directly at him. “Paxton has a guest and he will spend time with her. Phoenix will be making amends for what he did Saturday night. He will be cleaning the gutters on the house and anything else I find that needs doing.”
“I’ll switch with you, Elias,” Phoenix offered.
“There will be no switching,” Kate stated. “You will make amends to everyone. Poor Zane was still not feeling well this morning.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You better be,” Jude said. “I find it very hard to understand why you do the things you do.”
“To your old grandpa, too. You need to grow up, boy.”
“I’m sorry, Grandpa. I’ll do anything you want to make amends.”
“Good. My toenails need clipping. I’ll see you at my house when your mom is through with you.”
Phoenix groaned and everyone else laughed. They all knew Grandpa’s toenails were as hard as cement. They had to use a hoof clipper to trim them. It was usually Quincy’s job and he was happy to hand off the job to his baby brother.
The meeting broke up and everyone went their separate ways. Egan and Elias went north and Quincy and Jericho went east. Jude took a flatbed trailer and went into town for supplies.
The fences were checked often so they were in pretty good shape. A couple wires needed tightening, but other than that, the fences would hold during fall roundup.
As he neared the McCray fence line, Quincy could see Gunnar and Axel, two of Ira’s sons, through the weblike branches of the trees. They had a calf on the ground and Quincy and Jericho stopped to make sure it wasn’t a Rebel calf.
“What do you think?” Rico asked.
“I think they’re awfully close to the property line and that could possibly be one of our calves.”
They rode closer and Quincy reached in his saddlebags for his binoculars. He couldn’t see the brand for Gunnar’s big frame, but the calf was white, and they didn’t have any white calves that he could recall.
Gunnar rose and noticed them. He and Axel immediately mounted their horses and rode to the fence line. Avoiding a confrontation was always the best course of action, but Quincy wasn’t running.
“What are you gawking at, Rebel?” Gunnar taunted.
Quincy nodded toward the white calf. “Just making sure that’s not a Rebel calf.”
“We stay clear of your mangy cows.”
“Yeah, right.”
The calf meandered toward the fence and Rico rode to get a closer look.
“If he crosses our fence line, he’s a dead man,” Gunnar said.
“Does he look stupid?” Quincy’s rifle was in the saddle scabbard and he wanted to make sure he could get to it if trouble broke out. Slowly, he undid the leather tab that held it in place.
Rico rode back to Quincy. “It’s not our calf.”
Gunnar folded his hands over the saddle horn, eyeing Rico. “You need a bodyguard these days, Rebel?”
“Jericho?” Quincy nodded toward his friend. “Nah. He’s part of the Rebel family now and the man who can make you cry ‘mama’ in five seconds or less.”
Gunnar laughed, jerked his reins and he and his brother rode off.
“I’ve seen his kind in prison,” Rico said. “They love to make trouble.”
“Yeah.” Quincy turned his horse toward home. “That’s why it’s best to avoid them, but sometimes they make it impossible.”
It was late afternoon by the time they made it back. In the distance, Quincy could see his corral, and White Dove continuing to walk the pipe fence, looking for a way out, looking for home and Jenny. Had she been doing that all the time they’d been gone?
He pulled up, as did Rico beside him. Rico followed Quincy’s gaze. “Isn’t that Jenny’s horse?”
“Yeah.”
“She doesn’t seem too happy.”
“No. Tell Falcon I’ll catch up to everyone later.” He rode toward his barn, and Dovie didn’t even stop in her quest to find a way out.
“Do you need help?” Rico asked from behind him. He should’ve known the man wouldn’t ride away. He was always available for help. The Rebel family had been lucky to find someone as honorable and loyal as Jericho Johnson.
“Nah. I’m just going to see if she’ll eat. That might calm her down.”
Quincy dismounted, as did Rico. They filled the trough and the horses trotted over to eat. All of them except Dovie. Quincy jumped over the fence and slowly walked toward her. Dovie stopped and threw up her head in agitation. Her nostrils flared.
“I don’t think she likes you,” Rico murmured from the fence.
“Come on, girl, aren’t you hungry?” He held out the feed in his hand to her. In response, she threw up her head again and pawed the ground with one hoof.
The horse wasn’t bending to Quincy’s will. Dovie didn’t want anyone but Jenny. He walked back and jumped over the fence. Rico didn’t ask many questions, but Quincy could see he had plenty to ask about why the horse was back on Rebel land.
“She can’t go on without food,” Quincy remarked.
“No one can.”
“Jenny’s one stubborn woman.”
Rico looked at him. “Sorry, my friend.” Again the man didn’t ask questions.
“She figures since Paxton’s engaged to someone else, she has to break all ties to the family.”
“She was really upset on Saturday.”
“Yeah, but there’s nothing I can do about that.”
“Isn’t there?”
Quincy glanced at his friend. Rico headed for his horse. “I better check in with Falcon.” After saying that, he rode away with a quiet dignity that sometimes frustrated Quincy. People needed to talk,
to share. But what did he know? Talking never helped him and it had gotten him in a lot of trouble at times.
As he watched White Dove continue her protest, Rico’s words came back to him. There was nothing he could do. Why would Rico say that? The obvious stared him right in the face. Rico probably knew how he felt about Jenny. He hadn’t been fooling anyone. All the more reason to stay away from Jenny. But as he watched the horse kicking up dirt in anger, he thought that might not be possible.
* * *
AFTER SPENDING TWELVE hours on her feet, Jenny was beat and ready for food and rest. Lindsay had supper ready. That sounded great, but her excitement faded when she saw it was tuna casserole. Her dad loved it, but Jenny didn’t care for it. She ate it anyway, but after supper, she filled a bowl with butter-pecan ice cream and went out on the stoop to enjoy her treat.
Her gaze went to the barn. The corral opened to a pasture and she could see Sassy and Lindsay’s horse in the distance. No Dovie. The ice cream clogged her throat and she swallowed before tears took over. It was actually almost funny that she was going to miss Dovie more than Paxton. But then, someone had to be around for you to miss them.
During the surgeries today, there were times she would think of Paxton and wonder what had kept her hanging on for so long. What would make her so weak?
Her mother’s death had hit her hard because it had been so unexpected. She’d died in her sleep from a brain aneurysm. It had been such a shock. Jenny had been close to her mother and suddenly all that love her mother had bestowed on her had been gone and Paxton had replaced it. He was a charmer, a talker and a person who liked to touch and hug. Not many guys were like that and Jenny had soaked it up. Maybe just a little too much.
Daisy hopped up on the stoop beside her. “Hey, girl, where have you been? Chasing that gopher again?”
Daisy sniffed at the empty bowl of ice cream. “Okay, but don’t tell Lindsay. You know she doesn’t like you eating out of the family dishes.” She placed the bowl on the stoop and Daisy licked it clean.
