by Jules Dixon
I shook my head at him. “It’s good. I got the harvestin’ done today.”
He rolled his hair back up and stuffed into his hat. “So, you don’t need any help?”
“No, I don’t.”
After finishing high school, Cade had drifted place to place, doing odd jobs, and learning new tricks and trades. Last I heard, he was in Montana on a ranch, but that was almost a year ago. About broke Mama’s heart not to see him since he was the family’s baby. But who was I to talk? She was close to tears when I told her I was moving to Nebraska after I left the military and had only returned home for a few days.
“What have you been up to, Cade?”
“I worked a ranch up by Valentine, in the north central part of the state for a while. He scratched his beard. But the rancher didn’t like me gettin’ to know his eighteen-year-old daughter, so here I am.”
That was Cade’s way. Love ‘em and leave ‘em.
I stopped. “You didn’t leave that girl with a Jamison grandbaby to take care of, right?”
“Nah, I kept the ‘Bama-rammer covered. So, what’s happening around here? Any good bars with easy and sweet chicks? Hard and nasty ones will work, too. Hell, I like a challenge. Let’s go find some Omaha hotties for tonight!” He bounced around with a juvenile excitement.
I cringed at his immaturity. “I’ve already got plans tonight, Cade.”
He stepped in front of me. “You mind if I stay and take a shower? Maybe hole up for a few days, get a few things taken care of?”
Family, the only thing that was for sure in life.
Sure to make me crazy.
“Monday. Monday, you’re gone. The master suite on the first floor is off limits. You can have the twin bed in the second bedroom on the left upstairs.”
“Thanks, Holt.”
“I mean it, Cade. Four nights, then you’re gone.” I made sure my voice gave no hesitation.
“I understand.” He held up his hands in surrender.
I changed into army-issue knit shorts, a black t-shirt and my running shoes, and headed out while he was in the shower, leaving a key and a note on the counter.
****
I was a little overwhelmed when I walked into the gym. It was unlike anything I’d ever been to in Alabama and definitely not like morning calisthenics in the military. There was a mix of people that ranged from high school teens to people older than my granddaddy and he was in his eighties but still spry as a teenager, which made me respect the blending of generations even more.
At the front desk, I set my bag down and the brunette with short hair looked up.
“Hi, welcome to Triple R. How can I help you?”
I leaned down to grab my bag. “I’m sorry. I thought I was at Run-Ride-Rock Gym?” I glanced around. “I must have the wrong—”
She stood from her chair. “No, no, sorry. Triple R is the nickname of the gym. You’re in the right place.”
“Well, that explains it.” I smiled and set my bag back to the floor.
She extended her hand, smiling. “Kai Thomas. Welcome to Run-Ride-Rock Gym.”
We exchanged introductions.
“Hey, Holt.” Drexel stepped up to the desk. “Kai.”
“Hi, Drex, how was your day?” She sat back down.
“Presley sold four … four cars today before she left early! And she works the weekend. I’m thinking she’s gonna take me for top salesperson again this month.” Drexel rotated his arm and mumbled an expletive.
“Somethin’ wrong, Drexel?” I nodded at his arm.
“I forgot something in the locker room. I’ll be right back.”
Kai had me sign the form and I was official. She called a guy over. Hazel eyes shined his warm personality before he said a word. She filed my paperwork while she introduced us. “Jude Saylor, this is Holt Jamison. He’s a friend of Drexel’s. Thought you might like to meet him.”
We made small talk about the weather and differences between Omaha and Montgomery before Drexel stepped beside me.
“Drex.” Jude jutted his chin in acknowledgment. “I hear from Presley that she had a good day,” Jude goaded him.
Drexel ran a shaking hand through his hair. “Jude, your woman is a selling robot this month.”
“She’s got an expensive wedding dress to pay for. She’s gonna be that way for a while.” Jude leaned against the desk. “Holt, Presley said she met you, and that you met Willow and Kanyon when they were at the farm?”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t imagine Kanyon on a horse or driving a tractor. What were they doing?”
My shoulders tightened. I tried to think of a gentlemanly way out of the question, but the truth was the only road out. “Ah, yeah, they weren’t enjoyin’ the animals or playin’ farmer. They were … enjoyin’ each other.”
Jude let out a laugh and Drexel and I joined in.
“But, beautiful couple,” I added. “That’s definitely love.”
Drexel cleared his throat. “That’s what they say.”
“They’ll be there tomorrow night at Rahl’s and yes, they are in love.” Jude glared at Drexel and pushed off the desk. “Holt, if you ever want a free training session, let me know.”
Drexel scoffed and nodded toward me. “Pretty sure a guy that looks like this knows how to work out, Saylor.”
“Thanks, Drex.” A little heat invaded my chest and spread to my face.
Drexel seemed to have gotten a little pep in him. “Speaking of which, let’s get out there. The gym floor is starting to clear out. Do you want to run first? Lift first? What?”
“Let’s lift. Was nice to meet you, Jude, and I’ll keep that trainin’ session in mind. Never know what you can learn.”
“We’ll see you tomorrow night,” Drexel said, walking away.
“I’ll act surprised to see you.”
“Huh?” Drexel spun back to Jude.
“It was supposed to be a surprise, but Ollie broke the surprise to me this morning.”
Ollie … Oliver?
I backed away. My heart lodged a lump of hope in my throat imagining that these welcoming people knew him and there was a possibility of seeing him tomorrow night. I couldn’t ask. I won’t ask.
It’d start too many questions that I wasn’t ready to answer. Drexel finished his conversation with Jude and joined me on the free-weights floor. We lifted, then ran for thirty minutes, a modified Marines workout, but it’d been a few weeks from my last session, and I was drained. We walked outside and toward his Mustang.
“Drex, I think I’m gonna take a rain check on dinner. My brother got into town this evening and I should spend some time with him.”
“No problem. Hope to meet him someday.”
“We’re still on for tomorrow night?”
“You want me to meet you at Rahl’s?”
“No, I’d rather pick you up. Plus, like you said, designated driver.”
“That’s right, and knowing this group, we might have to stay over. They have a nice guest room, if needed.”
“I can think of worse ways to spend a night.”
His eyes narrowed.
“I’ll pick you up right before six.” I stepped closer to him. “I could go for another one of those famous Drexel hugs.” My need for human interaction had always been strong, Oliver had realized that, and because we couldn’t be open when we started our relationship overseas, he made sure he gave me plenty of affection in private.
“I’m all sweaty, bro.” He chuckled.
“So am I.”
He guided me in and my legs wobbled as I inhaled his cologne mixing with the salt of his sweat. In a moment of workout endorphin-fed confidence, I turned my head and he flinched his head away and stiffened in my arms.
I backed away. “Drexel?”
He dropped his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m flattered, really, I am, but I’m not interested in guys in that way.”
I backed farther from him and closed my eyes while I shook my head at myself. I opened my eyes and st
raightened my back. “And I’m sorry, too. Honestly, I knew you weren’t, but I’m avoiding reconnecting with someone and my fear of ending up alone here in a new city kind of took over. I guess I’m scared and lonely.”
“So I was going to be your backup?”
“Maybe. I really don’t know what I was thinking.” I stared at the ground. “I’m just fucking embarrassed now.”
“Hey, don’t be. I’m not upset.” Drexel leaned back against his car and crossed his arms. “So, you moved here for someone but you haven’t talked to, I’m assuming—him?”
I stared across the parking lot. “Yeah. I’m pretty shit-scared that he’s moved on.”
“Then you’ll do the same, if that’s the way things are. Don’t worry. I’m good at knowing how to move on from a relationship. I’ll give you some pointers.”
I chuckled. “Why did you agree to hug me?”
“Because I don’t mind hugging people. Now usually they aren’t sweaty people, but still, I understand the fear of being alone and a hug always helps me, too.” That cocky sideways grin crossed his lips. “I’d like to be your friend.”
That sounded like a good idea. At least he hadn’t decked me.
“Friends it is.” I held out my hand and he shook it.
“I’ll text you my address. See you around six tomorrow?”
“Six tomorrow.”
Back at the farm, Cade’s truck wasn’t in the drive. Didn’t surprise me. According to Mama, he was always making himself a regular at some bar, and he’d only legally been able to drink for less than a year. Not that the legal requirement had ever stopped him, as evidenced by three or four—I’d lost count—MIPs in high school and probably a few in between high school and his last birthday. I made myself a sandwich and went to bed.
Lying in bed, I lifted my laptop from my nightstand. Chatting with my nieces and nephews, the ones who had computers or phones, was a regular nightly activity. I opened the browser and clicked on my e-mails. I swallowed as a familiar name lit up the Inbox.
Oliver Aston
Today, 1:27pm
My dear Holt,
First, I want to tell you that I’m sorry. For lots of things. Second, when you get back to the States, I’d appreciate the opportunity to see you and apologize in person. No commitment to start things back up, just to talk and tell you in person that I regret my behavior.
I think of you often. Actually, that’s a lie. I think of you all the time.
Yours,
Ollie
I smiled as I reread the words over and over.
Oliver … Ollie.
The six months we spent together would never be enough, and we both knew it.
****
For October, Nebraska could still warm up into the eighties during the day. Almost reminded me of Alabama. I stripped off my shirt to stay comfortable. Slinging a bag of feed from the back of the truck over my shoulder, I carried it to the storage area in the barn. A second body joined me to complete the mundane but necessary work.
Jamisons worked hard and then played harder. There was a real wild streak in most of my brothers. I’d admired how they lived their lives confidently and to their own Southern-rock beat, but my experiences growing up weren’t the same as theirs. In most ways I had fit in, but then again, lots of times I hadn’t, and I’d had to work hard to accomplish the act of appearing like them. I’d had crushes on my older brothers’ friends that I’d made sure to keep hidden, and even on occasion when they made homophobic slurs I’d contributed in support. That had picked at my self-esteem as a teenager, but as an adult I was able to see it for the macho bullshit that was handed down generation to generation. Didn’t excuse the behavior, but I couldn’t change it, so I’d learned to live with it. I’d once heard my oldest brother stand up for a gay friend to a group of friends, and that moment gave me temporary hope. But those moments were few and far between. So I’d stayed to the farm, becoming Daddy’s best farmhand and, in the process, falling in love with the land.
“Big plans tonight, brother?”
I hiked into the barn. “I was invited to a birthday party at the home of the granddaughter of the owners of the farm.”
Cade lifted a bag and followed me. “I found a place to work.”
My boots skidded on the dirt floor, but I kept my back to him. “In Omaha?”
“Yeah.”
I loved my younger brother but he tended toward problematic. His drinking, his catting around, his penchant for trouble seemed to conveniently find him. They weren’t character flaws. They were him, and I loved him as he was. But could I handle him living in the same city when I was trying to start a new life? And rekindle an old flame?
“Good for you. Where are you gonna live?”
“Well…”
The way he stretched the word told me what he was thinking.
“No.” I opened a bag of feed and fed the horses.
“Bro, I know I used to be a pain in the ass, but I promise I’ve grown up.”
“Would that young woman you left in western Nebraska think you’re all that mature?”
He lifted his hat and readjusted. “Uh, bro, she came on to me. She jumped my bones. Not the other way around. I tried to stop it.” Cade grabbed a pitchfork and started cleaning stalls.
“How about this—just don’t start. Have some self-control and stop the juvenile behavior.”
“Holt, you have your own issues. So why don’t you tackle yours before you start chewin’ ‘bout mine?”
Dropping the feedbag, I turned to face him. “What the hell are you talkin’ about?”
Cade faced me. “I know, Holt.”
My chest tightened and I stared into his sincere eyes.
The three words had meaning most people would never feel in their gut. And then there were the two words I didn’t want to say. I just wanted to be me, but I wasn’t ready.
“Know what?” I tugged the brim of my hat lower as I turned back to the horses.
“That last time you came home before you shipped out for Afghanistan…” He cleared his throat, “I saw you in the barn with your friend.”
I stopped moving with my back to him. “I don’t know what you think you saw, but—”
“Stop. I love you no matter what. Not like I stayed around to creep on my brother gettin’ it on with another dude. But after, when you came into the house, you were really happy and that’s all that matters to me, Holt. I promise.”
My voice came out all strangled, “You always did have a vivid imagination, Cade. Find your own place to live. It’s not gonna be here.” I shuffled out of the barn, my boots heavy on my feet.
I remembered the day he was talking about, and guilt flooded me. He wasn’t that young, but I should’ve been more careful. In general, it wasn’t Cade or my brothers or sisters that I was really worried about. It was Mama and Daddy, and truthfully more Mama. The thought of telling her I was gay almost dropped me to my knees. From the time I was born she’d dreamed that I would fall in love with a girl who was born to family friends. All through high school, Suzanne and I’d been paraded around like our fate was destined. But my destiny lay elsewhere and she quickly realized that hers lay elsewhere, too. Although Suzanne was cautious for her parents to find out, she’d already fallen in love with one of my older brothers.
He’d approached me that last time I was home and apologized all over himself for their relationship. I’d cringed to see him so concerned about my feelings and yet my heart had soared at the information. I couldn’t or wouldn’t tell them why I was truly relieved. I gave both of them my best. They were good for each other. He was loud and she was soft. He was rough around the edges and she was curves and suppleness. He was dominant and she wanted a strength that I couldn’t give her. Mama would still be happy that Suzanne would be in the family, and she would forgive her.
But will she forgive me?
****
I pressed the doorbell on Drexel’s house but there was no buzz or sign of him. I presse
d again and waited.
A few seconds later, he appeared at the door, his hair in all sorts of disarray and yawning. “Uh, I fell asleep after work. Sorry.”
“Take your time. It’s nice, I’ll just wait out here.”
Walking back to my truck, I took in the fall of temperature that had come over the late afternoon. There was definitely a crisp bite to the air. The seasons were talking to each other. Mother Nature was trying to decide if fall or winter would win the weather discussion, and it seemed Nebraskans like to talk about the weather a whole lot. Hell, it starts almost every conversation.
I leaned against the driver side fender of my truck and pulled out my phone to text my brother but there was a text already waiting.
Breigh: Hope your day went well. I had a stressful week. Could really use some company and to relax. If you’re alone tonight, I’d be glad to come over and hang out.
I wasn’t great at reading females, but that text was a request for a booty call if I ever saw one. I rubbed my face. It wasn’t like me to not answer back, but what to say.
Holt: Sorry to hear about the bad week. Maybe take a long hot bath to relax? I have plans tonight. Hope you feel better.
Then to make plans so I had an excuse in case she suggested getting together tomorrow. Plus, I wanted to do something with Cade that hopefully wouldn’t lead us into an argument.
Holt: Tomorrow, you and me, the TV, beers and Roll Tide?
Cade: Hell yeah! Roll Tide!
My phone buzzed as I finished reading Cade’s text.
Breigh: I’d like to get to know you and be your friend. Promise, no strings attached. Have a good night.
Holt: Thanks. You too.
That wasn’t as hard as I thought it might be. And the “no strings attached” almost sounded like she was actually okay with being friends. No matter what happened tonight, I’d call her next week and get those horses out for a ride. Truth was, I’d considered cancelling my appearance at the party tonight and would’ve been able to accept her invitation for company, not the additional offer. But I didn’t want to disappoint Rahl and Sage. Plus, it’s time.
