by TL Gehr
I look over my shoulder when I hear his belt, in time to see his jeans drop. His cock is standing tall and proud. He was commando. Of course he was, because he slept over at my place. Wait, does that mean his underwear is still somewhere in my room? He opens the condom wrapper with his teeth and doesn’t stop me when I reach for my own erection again. I tease my shaft with light touches while I watch him put the latex on. I’m still a little tender from last night. Maybe this isn’t a good idea, but I’m too turned on to care. I know he won’t hurt me. I know he’ll stop if I say stop.
He rubs his hands over my ass and I push back against him, desperate for penetration, but then his arms are around me and he’s pulling me up, kissing my neck, my ear, bracing me against his chest with one forearm across me and the other… his other hand joins mine on my cock. God he’s so good at this. How is he this perfect?
His lips settle at the point where my shoulder and neck meet and he sucks on the skin while his fist devours my cock over and over, sending spears of pleasure right through me with every stroke. I’m glad he’s holding me so tightly, because my legs are Jell-O.
“If you give me a hickey they’ll all know.” I say weakly.
“Maybe I want them to know.”
Oh god. I shouldn’t want the other staff to know that I’m fucking the boss but his words send a thrill of pleasure up my spine. They’ll all know I’m his, that he wants me.
He tugs my shirt over my head and kisses down my shoulder, to my spine and down my back. Warmth floods beneath my skin. Philip really likes kissing. I’ve never been kissed so much before. He makes me feel like more than a lay, he makes me feel treasured. It’s new, exciting, scary, overwhelming. I’m teetering on the cusp of orgasm and I feel completely helpless.
“When I come you need to…”
“I know.” his voice is muffled against my back. “Much as I’d love to swallow you again, we have priorities.”
A small sound escapes my throat as his words alone nearly undo me.
“I love your noises.”
I really shouldn’t be making them when the entire restaurant will be able to hear. How thick is that door? I picture the chef and his assistant hearing my moans through the walls and knowing what we’re doing here and that’s the image that sends me over the edge. Bliss blots out my senses. I’m only vaguely aware of Philip cupping his hand and capturing our make-do lube. Then I’m bent over the desk and his fingers are inside me, preparing me.
I’m throbbing with aftershocks and with need. “You’ll have to be quick, it won’t last long.”
“That won’t be a problem.”
It thrills me to know he’s close to the edge too, just from playing with me. I rest my cheek against his biology notes. He spreads my other cheeks and enters.
He goes in slow, waiting patiently for my sphincter to grant him access. It stings but I want this too badly to let that stop us. I thrust back against him, biting down a groan. My ass burns, but every other part of me is fluttering from my heart to my pulse beneath my skin, to the muscles in my legs.
Philip leans over me and kisses my ear. “Okay?”
It will be. “Yes.”
My muscles relax around him, accommodating his girth. He must feel it because he pushes further in. It’s incredible. “Yes. Fuck me.”
He begins to thrust and I bury my face against my arm to stop from crying out. The pain only makes the pleasure more intense with every stab of his rigid cock. Philip starts off holding on to the desk on either side of me, then his grip moves to my hips as he slams against me, building up a pounding rhythm. The desk shakes and my insides coil tight. Then he hits the magical spot, that incredible little gland and I’m spinning away, out of control. He presses his palm to my mouth to stifle my cry as I throw my head back in climax.
The fingers of his other hand dig into my hips. His balls smack against me. He gives one last, deep thrust, then bites down on my shoulder to bury his own cry. He shudders against me, panting in my ear.
We stay completely still for long minutes, our hearts pumping, our breath coming in gasps.
Eventually I find enough of a voice to say, “You’re really good at this.”
He pulls out of me, carefully, conscious of just how sensitive he’s made me.
I press my forehead to the desk and I hope the paper I’m on isn’t important because it’s now going to be marked with sweat. “I saw what Chase said about you and it’s bullshit.”
Philip doesn’t answer immediately and when he speaks, his voice is a little uncertain. “When did you see that?”
“Cynthia showed me on Saturday.”
I turn around as Philip passes me my pants. He looks down as he puts on his own jeans. “It’s not entirely bullshit…”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, he’s a top. So…”
A chill flushes through me. “He made you bottom? Even though you didn’t want to? You didn’t get to take turns or something?”
Philip was ‘cold and remote’ because he was hating every second of it.
He presses his tongue between his teeth, head still bowed. “Chase was specific about what he liked. Turns out, I wasn’t it.”
That dickwad was fucking his ass and Philip was just putting up with it because he’s a people pleaser and he wanted to make that piece of shit happy. Then the motherfucker had the gall to say it was like loving a stone?
I’ve gone instantly from blissed out to raging mad. My heart’s rhythm is the same as it was moments ago, but no longer with excitement. No, this is a deep dark feeling. A hatred so intense that I couldn’t be held responsible for what I’d do to Chase if he walked into this room.
“Well I like you. I like you a lot. Everything about you. I meant what I said. You’re the best I’ve ever had. By far.”
A smile flickers on his lips, then dies. “You’ve had many…? Sorry, I shouldn’t… forget I asked that.”
“Drugs and sex kind of go together.” Gene said that sex and drugs were both symptoms of me trying to plug a hole inside myself. I don’t know if it’s the same for all addicts. All I know is that nothing makes me crave intimacy like being high. Nothing makes me more willing to fulfill someone else’s sexual fantasies than the promise of getting high either. I enjoy sex and I’m not ashamed of that. But I’ve also done stuff, a lot of sexual stuff, that I probably wouldn’t have done if it hadn’t been for the drugs. And that? That feels like acid in my gut.
“Does that bother you?” I ask Philip.
“No.” But he still doesn’t look at me.
I touch the back of his neck tentatively. “It’s okay if it does.” He’s a nice boy with good breeding. He’s been raised to believe people like me are dirty sluts. The fact that he’s with me at all is a wonder.
“No, it doesn’t.” He glances at me and there’s still that crease between his eyebrows. “It’s just that I’ve only been with two people. My first, when I was at boarding school, and Chase. I’m not exactly experienced.”
“Then you’re some kind of prodigy. You’re really fucking good at this. Did you miss the part where I said how good at this you are?” I turn his face to mine and kiss him, letting my lips linger on his. “You’re fucking good at fucking.”
And I’m in love with you. And I want to protect you. I don’t want anyone like Chase to ever lay a finger on you again.
I don’t want to picture it, but I do. Philip with the supermodel, trying to do anything he can to make him happy. Philip dieting, working out, going to all the horrible parties and events as arm candy. Philip putting up with Chase’s domineering attitude, his every move being monitored and controlled. Philip offering up his ass and letting Chase invade him. Gritting his teeth and breathing deep just to get through it. Eventually getting down on one knee, offering up the biggest fucking rock just for a sliver of that guy’s affection. And when he saw those tabloids, when he saw those photos? You broke my heart. And not being able to retreat and grieve—instead being tormented, b
eing pulled apart from the inside and outside at once, having every stranger look at him like he was filth.
I don’t know why he gave me the time of day, I don’t know how I could possibly be attractive to him, but I swear to myself right there that I will never let him get hurt like that again. I’m going to give him everything he wants and do everything I can to make him happy, until Concerned Philip is nothing but a distant memory, and the dimples become permanently etched in his cheeks.
30
Brian
I check that my clothing is straight three times before leaving Philip’s office. I’m expecting the restaurant to be as quiet as it was when I left the bar, but as soon as I open the door guilt sluices through me. The place is packed.
Okay, no, not packed exactly. There are only two tables. It looks packed because one of those tables is the biker guys. The Dragons.
Worse, Maxine isn’t back yet and I don’t see Mom around.
One of The Dragons shouts when he sees me. “What will it take to get some service in this place?”
Time to put Philip’s gift to the test and see if it really can help me.
“Hey, Siri? Take a note.” I say as I hurry towards them.
Ding! What do you want it to say? my phone responds from my pocket.
The man who whistled at my ass last time stands up as I approach. “Well if it isn’t Malena’s brat. Thought you were the barman?”
“I am. Sorry to keep you waiting. I was in a… meeting. What can I get for you?”
He snorts. “Start with drinks. Round of six Buds. For food, do you still have those turkey wings?”
“I’ll have to check with the kitchen.”
He makes another ugly noise. “Sticky wings, a basket of fries, two nuggets and a set of sliders.”
I really hope my phone is getting all of this. “Okay and the wings—turkey if we have?”
“Yeah. Otherwise whatever. Oh and chili poppers.”
“Hot ones,” one of the other guys says.
“Bring the beer first.”
“Sure thing.”
I pull out my phone as I head to the bar. Not perfect (“rings” instead of “wings”, “the state of sliders” instead of “a set of sliders”) but good enough. I reluctantly admit that this phone really will make life easier.
I grab the beers and take them to the table, but I’ll need Mom to ring them up. Where is she?
Last week when Philip was showing me around, she was in the stock room. She’s probably there now unpacking expensive coffee while she thinks things are quiet. I head into the kitchen with the order and read it out to the chef while his assistant jots it down onto one of the proper duplicate pads.
Then I stick my head into the stockroom to tell Mom her friends are here.
And my body goes cold.
She’s there all right, but she clearly already knows the Dragons are here because she’s sitting with their leader, who’s in the process of injecting her arm.
I back away, pulse racing. She sees me, pulls her arm back and jumps up. “Hey, sweetie!”
She’s never once called me sweetie before.
“Close the door, kid,” the Dragon says. I think his name was Billy?
I’m just standing frozen, so it’s Mom who walks around me and closes the door to the kitchen.
“You said you were clean,” I choke out.
“You done with the boss man?” she asks, as if I hadn’t spoken at all. She comes back around to face me. Her eyes are glassy. She’s already high. “Saw that phone he got you. You’re doing well for yourself.” She reaches up to brush my neck where Philip left his mark.
The thought of the hickey doesn’t thrill me the way it did before. It makes me feel dirty. “I’m not using him.”
“Whatever you say, kid. Speaking of using, you want a hit before we get back?”
“No!” It’s easy to resist, so long as I don’t look at Billy who’s holding a Zippo and the spoon. Will I ever be able to look at a spoon again without triggering a craving?
Billy’s lighter clicks. Click, click, click. “What’s your poison, kid? I can get you pretty much anything.”
He’s not just her friend, he’s her dealer. I don’t trust myself to move, or even to speak. I clench my jaw. Mom takes my arm and peels back my sleeve. “Thought so. Like mother, like son, huh?”
I yank my arm free. “I am clean.”
“Sure, but for how long? Take it from me, kid. There’s no fighting it. Once an addict, always an addict. It’s your brain, it’s the way we’re wired. It’s a curse they call ‘addictive personality’. Some folks need antidepressants to get through the day, some people need everything in straight little lines. We need this. Getting high is the only way we feel whole. You know I’m right.”
I refuse to look at her. The dark hole inside. It’s always been there. I can’t deny that. I can’t deny that drugs plug it up temporarily; that when I’m high I feel complete. The drugs are right there. All I’d have to say is okay. I have a job now, I can afford a hit or two. I won’t let it get out of control like before.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
The Serenity Prayer doesn’t even help because the first thing it says is to accept the things I cannot change and what I cannot change is how I am, how broken my brain is.
Mom takes my hand and leads me over to Billy. “You’ve got a discount for first time clients, don’t you?”
“Yup and you can pay me later, since we caught you by surprise.”
I focus on the hand holding the lighter. Click, flame, click, flame. He has a tattoo of thorns around his wrist.
“I have brown and white, depending on your budget?” Click, flame.
No, I can’t do this. I can’t shoot up and then go out there and work. I can’t shoot up and go and face Philip. What would he think? I can just picture the disappointment in his eyes.
I shake my head. “No.” I need to get out of this room before my resistance crumbles. “No. Thank you.”
“You’ve got yourself an Arrigo, kid. Not like you’ll be strapped for cash.”
I make for the door, but Mom catches my arm, “Wait.”
“I’m not going to get high with you.” I say through gritted teeth. “I’m clean.”
“Yeah, yeah. Your call. Don’t tell your boyfriend, huh?”
“You’re getting high at work, why wouldn’t I tell him?”
Her grip on my arm tightens. “Brian, you wouldn’t do that to your own mother? He’ll fire me. You can’t live in this city without work.”
I pull myself free of her again and don’t answer as I leave the storeroom.
Maxine is behind the bar and she turns her palms out at me and gestures to the tables as if to say, “Where the fuck were you?”
I’m too rattled to bring up Mom. “I placed orders for the Dragons in the kitchen. Malena was in the storeroom. She’ll be right out.”
I throw myself into my work. When Mom does come back, she’s carrying the food and she gives me a dirty look, like I’ve already told her secret. That just makes me madder. Why should I be in this position?
I stay late again, waiting until the Dragons and the day shift have left. Then I go find Philip in his office. He’s counting out the day’s takings that Maxine must have just dropped off with him from the register.
“Hey.” He gives me his beautiful smile. “Thought you’d left.”
He piles up the bills and goes over to the safe. He’s not even worried that I’m standing behind him as he punches in the combination. Of course the numbers almost immediately dissolve in my head, but I don’t think he’s conscious of that, I think he’s just that trusting.
“I need to speak to you about something.”
He looks over his shoulder with a quirked eyebrow, “Again?”
I smile, despite everything. “For real this time.”
“Oh?” immediately
the furrow appears.
How do I do this? How do I break this news? I have to tell him. Of course, I have to. Will Mom really lose her job? She’s the one wrecking her life, but maybe she feels like she seriously can’t help it. Maybe if I were to get her into rehab… should I really be going to her boss?
“I can tell you on the way to the station,” I offer. It will give me more time to think.
He nods and gathers up his notes. “I was actually hoping you might hang around. Can I ask you to quiz me?”
“Quiz you?”
Another flash of a smile. “I have a test.”
Shit. How am I supposed to tell him his employee is shooting up at work now? He’s going to be distracted, he’s going to do badly on his test.
“Yeah, sure, of course. We can chat about the other thing later.”
“You’re going to leave me in suspense?”
“It’s not important. Just a work thing. It can wait for Work Philip.”
31
Brian
The worst thing about Tuesday is that I don’t get to see Philip because he’s not on duty at The Spindle. I message him, though, to check how his test went and he responds with a long voice note detailing how he thinks he did on each of the sections. I have no idea what he’s talking about, but I listen to the message over and over just the same. It helps to pass the slow hours between breakfast and lunch.
The second worst thing is the way Mom keeps looking at me. It’s not like she’s constantly glaring or anything obvious enough for Maxine to notice. It’s just that whenever I see her, she’s watching me.
By the time I head home, my shoulders are tight with tension. I still haven’t told Philip. I think I need to tell him face-to-face. If I explain how she can’t help herself, maybe he’ll even pay for rehab? That’s exactly the sort of thing I can see him doing. I’ll tell him tomorrow when we’re on duty together again.
