by Ellie Danes
“What about your dancing?” I asked.
“What about it? I'll always do it. But for now, I guess I'll just have to, um, I'll just have to put it off for a little while... Again. One day I'll get back to it, but dancing is a luxury I can't afford to even think about right now. As is a relationship.”
Those last four words hit me like a kick to the gut.
“Wait, what do you mean?” I asked.
“I can't see you anymore. I just can't. Please, don't push me on this. Just let me go. This is difficult enough already, and now you're making it even worse. Just let me go and forget about me. Go find yourself a nice girl who doesn't come from a shitty home and who doesn't have a million issues to deal with.”
“I only want you, Skye. That's the truth, that's the whole truth. There's nobody else on this planet that I want. Only you.”
Tears were now flowing down her cheeks, and I could feel them stinging at the corners of my own eyes, too.
She stepped up to me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, and then stepped away.
“Thank you for the good times we had, Colin. I'll never forget them,” she said, her voice cracking. “But this is goodbye, okay? It's a final goodbye. Don't make it any harder than it already is.”
And with that, she strode away, leaving me alone.
CHAPTER 19
Skye
As soon as I had gotten a few yards past Colin, my composure broke. I ran into the restaurant and headed straight to the bathroom. I locked myself in a stall and just wept. The tears flowed like rain, and grief enveloped me like fog. Everything was gone, everything... I truly had lost everything now. And telling Colin that it was over had been the hardest part of it all, even harder than handing over all my money. Everything in my heart had screamed out for him the moment I had stepped out of the alley and saw him standing there, everything.
I had wanted, more than anything, to just run over to him and jump into his arms and hug him with all my might and cover him with kisses, and ask him to never let me go – but I had known that that would not have been the right thing to do. He didn't deserve this; he didn't deserve to be dragged into the mess that my life had become. Cutting him out of my life was as painful as severing one of my own limbs, as awful as cutting myself open and ripping out my own heart – but it was the right thing to do, however agonizing it felt. The wounds would one day heal, and Colin would move on and find a nice girl, a girl without an abusive, drug-dealing father, a girl who hadn't run away from home and lived on the streets, a girl who wasn't a thief who had stolen ten thousand dollars, a girl who didn't have broken dreams that there was no hope of realizing.
And me... whether I would ever find anyone like Colin again, I didn't know. It wasn't likely though. It had been a total fluke that someone like him had fallen for someone like me, and it wasn't something that I was likely to ever encounter again. And as much as thinking about that hurt, there was nothing I could do but accept it, because it was what it was – the truth.
Someone else came into the bathroom, so I did my best to dry my eyes and stop sniffing. Still, she heard me in there, and as soon as she spoke, I knew who it was.
“Hey, whoever is in there, are you okay?”
“It's me, Tessa,” I said. “And... I don't know. I don't know if I'll ever be okay again.”
“Aw, no, Skye. Can you at least open the door so we can talk about it?”
I unlocked the stall door and let her in. She immediately gave me a big hug.
“Aw, Skye, you look so sad. Jeez, it's even making me want to cry. Look, this is no place to talk, and I really want a cigarette. Do you want to come outside with me quickly? We'll just step across the street and find a quiet spot in the park. There's still a bit of time before our shift starts.”
“All right,” I said, nodding. I took some more toilet paper and dried my eyes off and then followed her across the road to the park.
Tessa took out her box of smokes and lit one up.
“I thought you were quitting,” I said.
“I tried,” she said with a shrug, “but I had a big fight with my boyfriend last night and I just had to have one. And then 'just one' became, well, a pack. Damn. And I was doing so well...”
“You were. What was it, three weeks?”
“Eighteen days, so let's say three weeks to make me feel better. But anyway, this isn't about me, this is about you. What's going on, girl?”
I sighed, and all the pain seemed to wash right back through me, flooding through my system like poison.
“This guy has been following me around, this real rough-looking guy, he looks like a street thug or ex-con or something, and the other day he actually came into the restaurant.”
“Oh, my God!” she exclaimed. “You told me about that, but I didn't realize the guy had actually come in and spoken to you! Did you, like, call the cops or something?”
“I couldn't, because then I would have been in trouble as well.”
“Oh, yeah... Well, what the hell did this creep want?”
“He said he knew my dad, and that my dad wanted his money back.”
“Oh, boy. But what was that old drug dealing scumbag gonna do to get his money back anyway? That was drug money, and there's no way he could tell the cops about it or like, open a case against you or anything.”
I shook my head. “No, he couldn't do anything like that... but since when have people like him played by the rules? This guy opened his jacket and showed me that he had a gun, and told me that something really bad would happen if I didn't get the money back to him in a week. He also threatened to do something to Colin.”
“Damn... that's crazy. So... what did you do?”
Tears started running down my cheeks again. “I... I got my dance school to give me a refund on the classes I won. I told them my dad had late-stage cancer and that there were a lot of medical expenses we needed to cover.”
“So, they gave you a refund? They gave you money?”
I nodded. “Seven and a half thousand in cash.”
“Damn, Skye, that's a lot of money.”
“It is... And I added it to the three thousand dollars I still had saved from the ten grand I originally took from my dad, and I gave it to the guy.”
Tessa's jaw dropped with shock.
“Wait. You... you just gave ten grand in cash to this creep, just like that?!”
I nodded and started crying again. “I had to... There was no other way.”
She hugged me tightly. “Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. That's terrible... But look, I'm here for you, okay? Please, if something like this comes up again, you gotta tell me before you do anything. I'll help you, I don't care what it takes, I'll help you.”
“Thank you, Tessa,” I said, still sobbing. “Thank you. You're a wonderful friend, a truly wonderful friend.”
“And you're my best friend,” she said, “no matter what happens, okay?”
We hugged for a while in silence, and it made me feel better.
“And look,” she said, “the money might be gone, but at least you still have Colin, right?”
Now I really felt awful. I shook my head. “I just saw him now, and told him that we couldn't see each other anymore.”
“What?! But why, Skye, why? I've never seen you so into a guy before! It really seemed like you were falling in love with him, for real. And from everything you told me about him, he seems like such an amazing guy. Why would you do that?!”
“Because I just know that more crap like this is going to happen to me. And that ex-con threatened him, and I knew that if I stayed together with Colin that I would bring nothing but trouble into his life.”
Tessa shook her head. “You shouldn't have done that! Look, you know that I respect your fierce independence, and your strong sense of self-reliance. And I understand that it comes from living on your own, with nobody to help you, for so many years. But there comes a point where you have to learn to trust other people, where you have to actually allow people to be the
re for you, and to help you through the tough times. And I don't know Colin that well, admittedly, but he seemed like the type of guy who would do anything for you, who would stick by your side through thick and thin. And you want to throw that all away because of the chance that your father might cause more trouble with you in the future? No. Come on, Skye, you can't be so pessimistic about this. Give love a chance! Seriously! Don't throw everything away. Don't do it.”
“Hey!” yelled an angry voice from across the street – our manager. “You two, get the hell in here, you're late for your shifts! Hurry the hell up!”
“We'd better go,” said Tessa. “But please... think about what I just said. Please... just think about it.”
CHAPTER 20
Colin
I really couldn't understand what was going on. It all seemed so... so... I don't know. Confusing didn't even begin to describe it. What had caused this massive change of heart? I had really been falling in love with Skye, and it had seemed so obvious that she had felt the same way about me. I couldn't be sure of that any more. Had I been so into her that I had been pretty much fooling myself this entire time?
I just wanted some clarity, I wanted to know why things had turned out like this. Skye had made it pretty clear that she didn't ever want to see me again, but I couldn't just leave things like this. I couldn't let this uncertainty hover and have a relationship that had seemed to be a passionate, intense romance just fizzle out. I wasn't one to just give up on things, whether they were business deals, people or relationships, and the way I felt about Skye was... Well, I didn't know if I had ever felt that way about another human being before, ever. She had ignited a fire in me that I would not extinguish, that I could not extinguish.
No. I wasn't just going to let this rest. I was going to find out what was really going on.
It had to be something from her past. I mean, she had talked about family stuff, but from what I knew, she was an only child like me. Her mother had died when she was a young child and that only left her father.
And considering what I had learned about where he was now from Fred, I didn't think that he could possibly have anything to do with this.
Was the whole “it's a family matter” thing just an excuse to push me away? Perhaps it was, but that didn't change the fact that there was something going on in her life, some sort of issue she was dealing with. I knew I’d be able to help her with it if only she’d let me. After all, helping people was something I was good at—coming up with creative solutions to difficult problems. And whatever this issue happened to be, I was confident that it was by no means insurmountable.
All that she had to do was tell me about it, let me in, give me the chance to help her.
But getting to that point would prove difficult. If I had learned anything about Skye up to this point it was that she was stubborn, and that she had a fierce streak of pride that prevented her from allowing anyone to help her. Maybe it was from being hurt a few times in the past, and that was understandable. When you let someone get close to you and they then turned on you or betrayed you, it created deep wounds that take a very long time to heal. I knew that well enough, based on my own past experiences.
So how then would I go about convincing her that I would never do that to her? That if she let me in she would be safe and protected?
I hung my head and sighed. This was all so difficult. I just wanted to go back to the days of carefree walks in the park with her, of laughs over ice cream, of cuddling on the sofa watching movies, of passionate, intense kisses...
Thinking of all that fired me up immensely. I had to do everything in my power to get her back and to help her out of whatever mess she was stuck in.
I picked up my phone and called her, but, of course, it was off. Nonetheless, I typed out a message. She would eventually see it when she turned her phone back on, and hopefully she would consider what I had to say.
Skye, I understand that you don't want to see me again. I understand that you have some sort of terrible problem that's plaguing you, something that has shaken you to your core. And I'm not going to comment on how serious a problem it is, because I don't know... because you won't tell me. But I want to tell you, that you mean more to me than anything. And I guarantee you, if you just let me help you, I will use every one of my resources, my connections, my wits and my wealth to help you solve the problem, whatever it is. I know that you value your independence, that you like doing things on your own – but no one is an island. Sometimes everyone, no matter how strong or independent they are, needs a shoulder to cry on, or a hand to help them up. Please, even if you really don't want to be with me for whatever reason, just allow me to help you out of whatever mess you're in. Please. You don't have to face this alone... you really don't have to.
I clicked “send” and then let out a long sigh. Now all there was to do was wait and hope she replied.
THAT EVENING
I was drinking a glass of whiskey and going over a few items in my investment portfolio when my phone buzzed. Someone had sent me a message. With my heart beating fast and sudden eagerness in my chest, I picked up the phone.
The message was from Skye!
I opened it with fumbling fingers.
Dear Colin. You're a wonderful guy. I really appreciate your kindness, compassion and generosity. I wish I could allow you to help me – but there are things that you don't know, things that you don't understand about this situation. And I'm sorry, but I have to be firm about this because I can see that you're persistent, and you don't want to give up. But please try to understand this – by not giving up, you're making things more difficult for me. You're hurting me. I know it's hard for you, and believe me, it's hard for me as well... But I need to ask you to just stop. Don't come to the restaurant or the dance school again. Don't come and force me to talk to you. I don't need any more pain in my life. I'm sorry, I know it hurts. It hurts me, too – but please, please, please... just let it go. Let me go. I'm begging you. Goodbye – Skye.
So that was that... She really wanted this to end.
CHAPTER 21
Skye
TWO WEEKS LATER
I woke up and groaned; was it really five o' clock already? It felt as if I had literally just closed my eyes a few seconds ago. I just needed a little more sleep, just five minutes... Well, no, more like twelve hours. But there would be no more sleep today, not even five minutes. If I didn't get up now, I would be late for my breakfast shift at the restaurant. After that, I would have to race to the dance school to work there for a full day. After that, I would have to race right back to the restaurant for the late shift. I would be lucky to get back to the shelter by ten or eleven in the evening... and even then, I wouldn't have time to do anything but shower and then crawl into bed and try to sleep for a few hours before starting the whole wretched routine again. It was utterly exhausting and draining, but what else could I do? I had nothing left, just a couple hundred dollars to my name and a handful of cheap clothes. That was all I had in the world, and the only way I was going to keep the wolf from the door was to work these mad hours, day in and day out. At least I had a day off in ten days' time... that was something minor to look forward to.
And weekends? What were those? It seemed like years ago that I’d last had one. Even though I didn't need to work at the dance studio on weekends, I had taken on full weekend shifts at the restaurant. I had had to; when it came to working low-paying jobs like the ones I had – the only ones I was qualified to do – the only way to make more money was to work more hours. And if I had to work crazy hours to get myself out of this mess, that's what I was going to do. Hell, I had put up with eight years of hardship up to this point, so what were a couple more going to matter?
As I heaved myself out of bed and stumbled over to the bathroom to go wash my face, a memory hit me – and it hit me hard. I remembered waking up in Colin's warm, huge, comfortable bed, feeling so safe and loved in his arms. I remembered his manly smell, the gentle smile he wore on his fa
ce when he slept, the feeling of security I felt when wrapped in his strong, muscular arms...
No. No. No.
It was useless to think of memories like these. All this was going to achieve was to make me feel even more miserable. There was no point in thinking about this. It was the past, it was over, and it would never happen again. I had to be realistic about things, and as much as I missed him, it was over. He and I were over, forever. It was better that way, and it had to be that way. He didn't need to be dragged down into this trash heap that my life was.
I forced the memory out of my head and then began getting ready for a yet another long and difficult day.
AT THE RESTAURANT
“Gosh, this breakfast shift is a killer,” grumbled Tessa. “I hate being up this early, and the customers can be such jerks at this hour as well.”
“Can you blame them?” I said. “They've had to wake up early, drag themselves out of their nice warm beds, after not having nearly enough sleep, fight the crowds of other miserable people shuffling off to their slave labor jobs...”
“Aw, Skye, you're still feeling really stressed out about everything, aren't you?” she asked.
I nodded glumly. “Yeah. Things really aren't going that well. I feel like a zombie. Every ounce of passion seems to have been drained from me. I just can't bring myself to feel any more. It's like I've become dead inside, totally numb. I don't know how I can go on like this.”
“Isn't there anything that makes you feel good, that makes you feel alive? Something you can focus on, like a beacon of light, to get you through this challenging time?”
There was... I was just too afraid to admit it to her, to myself. But there was. Colin... Memories of him popped into my head even during the most trying of times, and the memories of the times we had and the laughs and passion we shared ignited the flame of hope inside me. I knew that I didn't want to bring him into this mess though. But... Could I admit the truth about these feelings to myself? To Tessa? Maybe I had to.
