by Soraya Lane
She studied him, basked in the half grin he gave her, one side of his mouth kicking up into a delicious smile just for her. Since the other night, every moment she was around him had been charged; she was waiting for something to happen again, but it hadn’t. The rules had changed, but neither of them knew quite how, and they were both holding back. And besides, there hadn’t exactly been time between his going back to base for training again over the past few days since the dinner at her folks’ place, her working, and everything else revolving around the kids, including each of them having a little man in bed with them from midnight or earlier. But there was tonight, and they’d both made sure to schedule it, despite the fact that they’d hardly spoken about what had happened. And now tonight was rolling around even faster.
The letter. Suddenly she needed it in her hands, wanted to rip it open and share it with Noah.
She passed him his ice cream and washed her hands, excusing herself to go get it. She left the boys talking about a cool car Noah had seen on his way home, wondering if she’d ever get used to boy-talk when all her life she’d lived in such a female-dominated household.
Bella paused in the front room, which she’d turned into her home office for the time being. It was still hard to believe that she’d sold her own place so soon after Lila passing, had given up so much but gained even more. Most of her stuff was in storage except her glass desk and the chrome and leather chair she was standing behind. She’d literally walked straight into Lila’s shoes, and even though she missed her modern condo, she’d definitely found peace.
“I want to ask if I’m interrupting, but I’m scared of the answer.”
Bella turned. “Can we not talk about what happened at my folks’?” she asked, forcing her to remember when she just wanted to try to act like everything was normal between them.
She watched him bite into his ice cream. “If only it were that easy,” he muttered.
Bella tried to smile and pretend like everything was normal, and failed miserably. She turned around instead, reaching for the envelope and sliding her nail under the seal. She pulled it out. “I was waiting until you got home, so we could open it together.” She’d thought it was something they should do as a team, to try to remind them of what they were doing, and why they were doing what they were doing, in the first place.
Noah moved to stand beside her, reading the carefully written words at the same time as she did. His body was comforting beside her, warm where her shoulder pressed into him.
November 2014
Dear Bella & Noah,
I have so many hopes and wishes for the boys, and even though I know you’ll both start to think of them as your own one day, there are some things that have always been so important to me that I want you to know. Every night I tell the boys that I love them, that they can grow up to be anyone and do anything they want. As proud as I’d be of them if they studied medicine, I’d also be just as ecstatic if they were drummers in a band or talented painters. We live in a crazy world, and all I want for them is happiness.
I’m sure you’re ready for another night out, but this one might take a little more planning, and if you need to change it, then so be it. I want you to go to a fair or anywhere with a Ferris wheel. Eat cotton candy, drink soda, play some stupid games, then go up into the air and forget about everything for a little while. And Bella, don’t go saying they’re not safe. Nothing’s safe anymore, so just do it, okay? Noah, gag her and throw her over your shoulder if you have to!
I don’t know what’s going on with you two—whether you’re both single, how you’re getting on, what your feelings are. But what I can say is that no matter what, I think the way you look at each other will be changing. You’re not the same people anymore because you’re co-parenting two little boys who’ll no doubt be driving you insane one minute, then tugging on your heartstrings the next, making you fall head over heels in love with them.
Have fun, and don’t take it too seriously. It’s the only way to enjoy a carnival.
Love, Lila xoxo
A Ferris wheel. Bella shook her head, cursing her sister. Lila knew how much she hated those death traps!
“Talk about pushing me out of my comfort zone,” she muttered. “First shooting, now a freaking Ferris wheel? These are all things she would have loved.”
Noah seemed unconcerned, his brow furrowed for a moment before he spoke. “The Santa Monica pier,” he said. “If there’s nothing else on at the moment, we can always go there.”
“Are you sure? I mean, we could always do something else entirely.” She hoped he’d fall for it.
Instead he nudged her in the side with his elbow. “Not a chance. We’re getting on that wheel, even if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming. You read what she said.”
Bella turned to face him, less than a meter apart as she glared up at him, hands on her hips. He was over a head taller than her and it annoyed the hell out of her that he had such an advantage.
“You wouldn’t dare.”
His gaze challenged her, cone lowered, no longer taking his interest. “Wouldn’t I?”
Her breathing was faster, more shallow, than it had been. She almost wanted to test him, but she didn’t doubt that he’d show her exactly what he’d do, how much pleasure he’d take from following her sister’s words to the letter.
“So are you going to kiss me or not?” she asked, forcing herself to be more confident, to say what was on her mind rather than wait for him. She had always been the lesser one in relationships, always compromised the most and not stood up for herself, which was the complete opposite of how she was with her work. But not now, not with Noah. She wasn’t going to let herself be that person again, and she doubted he’d want her to be anyway.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” he asked, staring down at her, moistening his lips with his tongue, his smile slow and relaxed, like he had all the time in the world. The anxiousness she’d seen before written all over his face was gone, his smile deliberate.
“Maybe,” she murmured, transfixed by his mouth. She should have just said yes.
“Good,” his voice was a husky whisper, his eyes telling her that he had no intention of not kissing her.
Noah slowly lifted his arm, hand reaching for her, cupping the back of her head. He slowly closed the distance between them, his body just far enough from hers to unsettle her, make her wish it was jammed hard to hers. And then his lips met hers, so gentle, so painstakingly soft, tender to hers like she was breakable. His mouth moved, caressed hers, over and over, softly touching his lips to hers, making her want more but desperate not to ruin the sensation of what he was doing. Because it felt knee-wobblingly good.
When he pulled back she groaned and wrapped her arms tight around him.
“I have to play ball,” he muttered.
She sighed and let her fingers skim across his back then down his arms. “You do.”
“How about you take some time to yourself. Go run a bath, chill, make yourself look pretty.”
She laughed. “So you’re basically telling me I don’t look pretty now?”
He leaned in for one last kiss. “You look gorgeous right now, silly. I’m just saying to go do what girls do, without us interrupting you.”
“Do you have any idea how sexy that makes you, offering to do child care while I primp and preen?”
He grinned. “I aim to please.”
Bella ran her fingers through her hair and checked her reflection. She felt incredible, like her old self again. She smiled as she pulled on jeans and headed downstairs, still doing up the zip and top button. Now she understood why her sister had always said the sexiest thing Gray could do was a chore like the dishes or bathing the kids for her—some time to herself and she was ready to declare her undying love for Noah. Or maybe not quite love, but definitely gratitude.
“Where are you guys?” she called out.
She’d had over an hour upstairs, in the bath, getting ready, painting her toenails. It had b
een fantastic, and now she was looking forward to spending some time with the boys before they went out.
“We’re here,” Noah called. “Watching TV.”
She followed his voice. “I could hear you playing ball before.”
“Sorry, hope we weren’t too loud.” He was looking up over the boys’ head, one of each side of him. Or more like piled on top of him from each side.
“It was cute. I couldn’t stop smiling.”
“Your mom phoned. She’s on her way.”
Bella nodded. “Okay. I’ll quickly get some dinner together for the boys.”
“Don’t worry. She’s picking up a Happy Meal for each of them, said it was a little treat she wanted to get.”
Bella grinned, pleased to get off dinner duty. It wasn’t like they ate a lot of junk food. “Shove over then, boys, I’m up for watching whatever’s on.”
Noah’s eyes met hers, warmed her like they so often did now, and she tucked up beside Will, loving the way his little hand snaked up behind her and reached for her hair, stroking gently then twirling. She’d never thought much about being a mom, mainly because she’d never found the right guy, but everything about being with the boys felt right, natural somehow.
“It’s the Planes movie,” Cooper told her, leaning forward to make eye contact. “The second one, with the rescue planes.”
“Sounds good.”
“Can we have popcorn?” Cooper asked.
Bella exchanged glances with Noah. She was inclined to say yes, but then she didn’t want to ruin their dinner that was arriving soon, especially when her mom was doing something special for them. “How about you save the popcorn for when Grandma’s here? You can finish the movie with her and eat as much as you like.”
They seemed unfazed, both more interested in what they were watching than what she’d said.
“Do you have to go out?” Will asked. “Noah said it was just you and him allowed.”
“It’s just for a few hours. It’s important Noah and I have some alone time every now and again.”
“Like Mom and Dad used to have date nights?” Will asked.
She laughed. “Yeah. I didn’t realize you knew about them.”
“Dad used to tell me that before we came along, he had Mommy all to himself. That’s why he was allowed to take her on date nights without us.”
“When did you get so smart?” Bella asked, reaching over to ruffle his hair.
“Dunno.” He was clearly trying hard not to grin, but the quick glance he gave her told her he liked the praise, and Bella laughed gently.
“It’s good to be able to laugh again,” she mused out loud.
Noah reached for her and left his hand on her thigh. “It sure is.”
They’d all been through a lot, but finally there was some light at the end of the tunnel. Or at least a glimmer of hope, something to cling to and know that the pain wasn’t going to be so harsh forever. But the words she’d said to him, what they’d shared on the porch, were still making her heart pound a bit too hard. They reminded her of what was at stake, why it was unfair to both of them—not to mention the boys—to be doing anything that risked ruining their friendship—and their parenting.
There was a knock at the front door, followed by a key turning, and the boys leaped off the sofa.
“Grandma’s here!” Cooper shouted. Will was hot on his heels as they ran.
Noah turned to her then, one leg hooked up on the sofa. “Give me five, and I’ll take a quick shower and get changed.”
Bella thought he looked just fine the way he was, in worn jeans, his T-shirt faded but nice, his masculine smell so much nicer than any cologne he could put on after his shower. But she kept her thoughts to herself and merely sucked in part of her bottom lip as she watched him.
“Okay.”
He went to lean forward; anticipation pulsed, a steady beat through her body, and then her mom called out and broke the moment.
“When are you two heading out?”
Bella shook her head, and Noah squeezed her knee, making her jump, knowing she wouldn’t like it.
“Go have your shower,” she hissed at him, trying to whack him and missing completely.
“Hi,” he said to her mom as he passed. “Just trying to keep your daughter in check. She can be very . . .”—he looked at her over his shoulder, and she scowled at him—“disobedient.”
Her mom just laughed and clucked at Noah, grinning at Bella as she came into the room.
“You look lovely, darling,” she said.
Bella stood, ran her hands over the denim of her jeans. “Thanks.”
“Stay out as late as you want. I’ve got no where to be and nothing I’d rather be doing.”
She gave her mom a hug instead of walking past her. “Thanks. It’ll be nice to go out.”
“Serena told me more about your date with the coffee guy. And that you’ve called things off with him already.”
“She what!” Bella huffed, annoyed with her friend’s ability to share everything about everyone. It had been bad enough that she’d talked about it at dinner!
“Honestly, darling, when you have a man like Noah in your life, I’d just stop looking.”
“Mom!” Bella exclaimed.
“I’m just saying. And your Aunt Iris feels the same way. Plus I think that after our chat the other night, maybe you think so, too.”
Bella folded her arms across her chest, exasperated. “Well, I appreciate your advice and Aunt Iris’s, but I’d also appreciate you both keeping your opinions to yourselves.”
She left her mom to tend to the boys and ran upstairs to grab her shoes and her purse. It wasn’t that they were wrong, but she didn’t want to talk about Noah like that yet, wasn’t ready to admit how she felt. Because the last thing she wanted was to finally open up to him about how she felt, only to lose him, especially after he’d made it so clear what couldn’t be between them.
Noah shoved his hands into his pockets. Bella was on the phone, still sitting in the car, talking to a client who seemed to be having a panic attack over the colors for her new house, and he was taking the chance to get some fresh air. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place. There was something going down at work, and they wanted him back on base for a full week’s training. He knew he was about to get the phone call he’d been dreading since he’d last arrived back. Hell, not wanting to leave the boys, he’d been dreading any calls since Gray had passed. But he also knew that his team needed him. He’d be training earlier in the day from now on, but he’d still be able to come home each night like he was working a regular job. When he’d done that previously, one of the guys had pulled him aside and said that word was spreading that Noah was thinking of taking early retirement—just a whisper; Noah had had to steel his jaw, look his brother in the eye, and tell him he was crazy.
“Man, you’re not gonna do it, are you? You’re not the only one of us with kids to think about,” the guy had said.
Noah had frowned. “Where are you hearing this?” He didn’t like his secrets being aired, especially when he hadn’t confided in anyone. Or maybe the guys were just putting two and two together, guessing what he might be thinking.
“It’s nothing, just a rumor. Besides, you know how we all get when we know something’s going down. One of the guys said . . .”
When Ty had stopped talking, his voice trailing off, Noah had folded his arms across his chest. “What did one of the guys say?”
Ty blew out a breath, shrugging. “It was nothing. Just that the last time you bailed on a mission, that time you had food poisoning, it turned out cursed.”
“There’s no such thing as a cursed mission.”
“So you say.”
Noah had stopped himself from saying something stupid. “You’d be fine without me, but I’m not going anywhere. We get the call, I’ll be with you.”
Ty had grinned. “Good. Without you I reckon not all the guys would make it home safe. Not if some serious shit went down.”<
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It didn’t seem to matter how hard Noah tried to forget it, the conversation kept running through his head, over and over like a bad song stuck on repeat. The problem was, what Ty had said was true. They were a team—a highly focused, honed team that relied on every single member. Which meant that if he stepped back, he’d be the one responsible for ruining the dynamics. Just like when JT had died. When they’d had to bring his charred body back in pieces, in a bag, like he was trash instead of one of the most highly trained men in the world. Noah shuddered at the memory. Then there was his ongoing confusion about Bella. Since their intense moment on the porch at her parents’, he’d wondered if he should break things off entirely. If he was interrupting her life—for the worse—it seemed the right thing to do. But he hadn’t been able to resist when she’d asked him to kiss her. Somehow, she made all his resolutions to keep his distance a little more turn to nothing. The way he was starting to feel about her terrified him, but not as much as the thought of letting her down and being less than she deserved in a partner.
“Hey!”
He stopped, stared out at the ocean for a long moment.
“Noah!”
He filled his lungs with air and finally turned, the confused look on Bella’s face quickly turning to something more relaxed. Noah was certain his mouth would be bracketed with frown lines, the stress of keeping something from her finally taking its toll. But he’d taken an oath when he’d become a SEAL, and he couldn’t discuss his work with her. But I also took an oath when I promised to take care of the boys.
“You wouldn’t believe what that client just said to me,” Bella fumed, catching up to him as he started to walk toward the pier. “In one breath she’s telling me that she wants to go with a more subtle duck-egg blue in her master bedroom, and moaning about the contractors she’s using, and the next she’s making not so subtle hints about me being a working mom!”
Noah laughed, glancing sideways at her. Maybe he wasn’t the only one feeling guilty about his work right now. “If the idea didn’t bug you, you probably wouldn’t be offended.”
