by Tara Rose
Rowena didn’t have the heart to tell Julie that while her story was heartwarming, it was hardly the same situation as hers.
“And you know what the humorous part is?”
Rowena shook her head.
“If you’d known me while growing up, you’d understand. I was invisible. I blended into the background. I was professional and polished, and I never, ever sneezed in public.”
Rowena couldn’t help but laugh. She knew a few people like that.
“I still wore pantyhose, for heaven’s sake. And tweed.”
“Oh God…I’m sorry, but even when tweed was in, it shouldn’t have been.”
Julie joined her laughter this time. “I know, right?”
“So, are you saying that living a BDSM lifestyle will unleash my inner goddess or something?”
“No. I’m saying that for me it was liberating. It helped me find the self I buried under work and expensive, tasteful, but boring clothes. I was so busy hiding that I didn’t know how to open up and let my natural self come out.”
Rowena swallowed hard. “Okay. But tell me this. Were you scared shitless inside the club your first time?”
“Yes and no. I was uncomfortable. But that was because I’ve lived here all my life, and many of Maddox’s regulars have been, or are, clients of mine. Alexa used to be one, though she wasn’t by the time her birthday rolled around.” Julie gave her a measured look. “What specifically frightens you about them? Have you identified it?”
“The clubs don’t frighten me. Well, except for chains. They freak me out. They remind me of a show where they’re hunting down animals or something.” Rowena sighed. How could she explain this to a stranger when she couldn’t even explain it to herself? “It’s more like being inside a club triggers something. Something deep inside that I thought was long buried.”
“So, what I’m hearing is that other than chains, the equipment and toys are not what produce these feelings of fear, but you still have trouble simply walking into a club. The club itself is a trigger, with or without visible chains. Is that correct?”
“Yes, and it’s not really fear. It’s more of a vulnerability. The idea of being tied up, that is. That’s what makes me think of being without any control.”
“You believe that being restrained places you in a position of vulnerability and takes away your control.”
“I know it does.” She gave Julie the short version of what had happened between her and Van on Thursday.
Julie nodded several times while Rowena spoke. “You aren’t afraid of the lifestyle, per se. What you fear is going deeply enough into a state where you give up total control and trust to Van, is that right?”
Bingo. “Yes. That’s exactly it.”
Julie watched her face carefully for a few seconds. “How long have you known him?”
Rowena knew what was coming, so she took the shortcut and gave Julie a synopsis of what Brandt had put her through. No point in telling her one piece of the puzzle without also telling her the back story.
Recognition dawned on Julie’s face. “You’re Rowena Sommers. Or rather, you were. Now I realize where I’ve seen you before.”
“On the cover of Celebrity magazine, no doubt.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“No, that’s all right. My sarcasm isn’t directed toward you. It’s just that I thought that part of my life was over, but apparently, it’s not.”
“You expected a chain of events that traumatic to simply disappear from your consciousness once you left California.”
“Yes. Something like that.”
“But now the trust that Brandt took from you has manifested itself with Van. Once he restrained you, you were unable to relax enough and let him take control. You knew you had an out with the safewords, but even that knowledge wasn’t enough to let you enjoy it.”
“Yes. Exactly.” Rowena wished she could take notes. Julie had summed it up much more succinctly than she’d been able to in her own mind.
“It’s not that unusual. You’re used to making your own decisions and being in control, so you were able to fool your mind with the illusion that you had no unresolved trust issues. But when that control was taken away with the bondage, your mind was no longer fooled. You had to completely trust Van by way of a safeword, but you weren’t able to do that because it triggered the same emotions you felt when Brandt betrayed you.”
Rowena nodded. There were no words. Julie had nailed it, just like that.
“Have you ever seen a psychologist to talk through these unresolved issues?”
Rowena shook her head. “I thought they were gone.”
“Is there someone in Passion Peak you could see?”
“My friends know someone.”
Julie smiled. “You’re an intelligent woman. You know what I’m going to suggest you do once you return home.”
“I know. And thank you for the compliment.”
“You’re welcome. In the meantime, tell me if there is something I can do for you right now.”
“Well, I don’t know.” Liar. “That’s not true. I do know.” This was her chance to talk to someone who hadn’t been in the lifestyle very long. It wasn’t the same situation as she had with Van, but Julie was still new to this. She might have insight to share that would help. “You weren’t in this lifestyle before Alexa’s party, right?”
Julie nodded. “That’s true.”
“How did you give in? How did you trust someone that much?”
“To be fair, I didn’t have trust issues to work through. That wasn’t my personal hang-up. But I know someone who did have those issues. Her trust was violated in the worst ways when she was very young. And now she’s a sub to two Doms here in Racy, and to say she’s happy is an understatement. Would you like me to reach out to her and ask if she’d be willing to talk to you while you’re here?”
“Who is she?”
Julie smiled. “Alexa. What she went through as a teen and then at the hands of her ex-Dom as a young adult isn’t the same thing that Brandt put you through, but it left her with overwhelming trust issues by the time she moved here with Kari and met Luke and Chase. Those are her Doms. Luke Rodriguez owns a bar on Riverfront Drive, and Chase Taylor is Racy’s zoning commissioner.”
Rowena felt a glimmer of hope for the first time since Thursday night, when she’d had to call a safeword. “She wouldn’t mind talking to me?”
Voices in the hallway reached their ears. Julie stood, so Rowena did as well. “Let me call her and find out.”
Carma poked her head in the doorway, and Rowena laughed when Eve’s face peered around the corner as well. “Did you think I got lost?”
“Maddox wondered what happened to you. Are you all right?”
“I’m better than I was.” Rowena made introductions, and then Eve asked if she was going to look inside the club or not.
“Cherilyn has agreed to let Thayer and Evan do a wax play demo on her,” said Eve. “It’s not scary. She won’t actually be burned by it.”
Rowena remembered Summer telling her about a wax play session that she’d watched with Dalton and Wes, where Nash and Ian had made designs with different-colored wax on Angela’s body. Summer said she’d looked like she was enjoying it immensely, and she also said there was no time during it when Angela was actually burned with the wax. Between her friends and Julie, Rowena realized she wasn’t getting away without watching some aspect of BDSM play today.
“All right. I give up. Let’s go watch Cherilyn get covered in candle wax.”
Chapter Twelve
Van was happy to hear that Rowena had enjoyed watching the wax play demo, even though both agreed it wasn’t something they wanted to try anytime soon, if at all. “What’s Maddox like? Nash says he’s a good guy.”
“He’s wonderful. You should see his house. You’d drool over the intricate scrollwork and all the gleaming hardwood floors and crown molding. I swear I thought I was in a museum. He
has this library that’s like the one the beast shows Belle. And I met his sub, Julie. She’s a psychologist.”
“Oh?” Van tried to keep his voice nonchalant and knew he was most likely failing miserably.
“She offered to try and get me hooked up with a woman named Alexa who apparently had some major trust issues when she moved here. She was in the lifestyle before, but her Dom abused her.”
“Sounds like you trusted Julie right away.” He hoped Rowena didn’t hear the disappointment he felt. Why could his wife trust a stranger but not him?
“It wasn’t like that.” Her voice came out small and Van wanted to kick himself.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean my words to come out that way.” Liar.
“Okay. But honestly, it wasn’t like that. I desperately want to talk to someone who understands this from the inside. Someone who has been through what I’ve been through.”
He sighed as softly as possible. “Okay. I get that. But your friends are in the lifestyle, too.”
“The only ones who can even come close to relating are Eve and Carma, and we’ve talked already.”
“What do you hope to find by talking to strangers in Racy that you can’t get here?”
“I don’t know.” She sounded like she was going to cry, and Van didn’t know how to fix it.
“Okay. I’m sorry. I’m making you feel bad and I don’t mean to. Talk to whoever you can, all right? Just remember that I’m only a phone call away. I love you.”
“I love you too. I never doubt that. Never.”
“I know you don’t, sweetheart. And I never doubt your love for me. We’ll figure this out. I promise you that, okay?”
“Okay. Thank you.”
Van smiled. Her voice sounded better already. “So, tell me what else you did today.”
As he listened to her describe Maddox’s house and his club, which sounded similar to Indulgence but smaller, Van wondered if he shouldn’t be seeking out someone to talk to as well. He had no frame of reference here. A few months of talking to Nash about BDSM and learning how to throw a flogger didn’t make him a Dom anymore than Rowena letting him cuff her wrists and ankles together while he paddled her made her a sub. They needed a mentor, not just good friends.
“And then we went to Nan’s Place for dinner. The original Nan is dead now, but her granddaughter, Emma Falcon, runs it. Isn’t that funny? Her name is the same as my sister’s.”
“Is she like your sister?”
Rowena laughed. “Not at all. She’s warm and welcoming, and she likes everyone in Racy.”
“What’s the restaurant like?”
“It’s a cross between The Saloon and Doli’s.”
“The food is?” Doli’s Diner was a popular spot on Pioneer Lane operated by Doli Nakos. She was descended from one of the original Apache tribes in the area. Her diner needed some serious updating, but the food was heaven.
“No. The diner reminds me of Doli’s, but the food is maybe two steps up from Dan’s.”
“So you’ll be the one up all night this time.”
“Probably.”
“It sounds like you’re having a blast.”
“I really am. Everyone is friendly, just like at home. And Cherilyn, Thayer, and Evan are so cute together. They remind me of Carma, Mateo, and Blaine a lot.”
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
“We’re visiting Annalise, Chad, and Dustin. Carma is a bit anxious to see her again.” Annalise and her two Doms, Chad Bristol and Dustin Alexander, had stayed with him and Rowena for three weeks in August after Carma’s Uncle Dominick died. Annalise had come to Passion Peak for the funeral. Although Dominick had lived in Chicago most of his adult life, he was Pet’s oldest son, and she’d wanted him buried here.
The truth of what Dominick’s son, Michael, had done to Carma the summer after she turned eighteen and had gone to Chicago to stay with them came out during the will reading, and it drove a wedge between Carma and Annalise when Carma turned to Mateo and Blaine for comfort. Van wasn’t entirely clear on all the details, but Carma had told Rowena that things still weren’t right between her and Annalise. The two had been as close as sisters while growing up, and part of the reason for this trip was so that Carma could attempt to patch things up with her favorite cousin.
“I hope they work things out,” said Van. Carma was a sweet girl, but her two great-aunts, Pet and Rosario, ran the family with iron fists. They’d been just as upset with Carma but not because she’d gone to Mateo and Blaine. They’d wanted her to press charges against Michael, but no one knew where he was. He hadn’t been heard from in over two years.
Carma had been trying to forget the incident altogether for sixteen years. But when her great-uncle left her a huge sum of money in his will, she’d been forced to relive that summer all over again, and also had had to tell Annalise what had happened.
After he and Rowena said good night, Van lay awake a long time, thinking about everything he and Rowena had talked about. He finally decided he’d call Nash in the morning and talk to him about what had happened Thursday night. Nash might not be able to help directly, but he probably knew someone who could.
* * * *
As Rowena drove down Elm Parkway, she smiled as the wind turbine behind the farmhouse where Chad had grown up came into view. Notus owned and operated them, and they had a base of operations here in Racy as well as in Passion Peak.
Chad, Annalise, and Dustin now lived in this home on the west end of town, close to Tye Me Up. They planned to stop by the shop sometime today, and Rowena was hoping that Julie had kept her promise to call Alexa.
Annalise ran up to the SUV before Rowena had even pulled all the way up the gravel drive. She stopped it some distance from the house so she didn’t accidentally hit Annalise, and Carma opened her door and ran into her cousin’s arms, squealing the entire time. “I guess they made up,” said Angela.
“Thank God,” said Felicity. “She’s been a wreck about this trip and seeing her again.”
“From what I heard,” said Summer, “Annalise was an ass about the whole thing. She and Carma’s great-aunt Pet treated her like she had no brains in her head.”
“Aunt Pet knew what Michael had done,” said Rowena. “At least, that’s the impression Carma was left with. But she said nothing all those years. None of them did. And now, too much time has passed and no one knows where Michael is. Annalise was simply in shock and upset for Carma, that’s all. She didn’t know what had happened until the will reading.”
“Mateo and Blaine would never hurt Carma,” said Eve.
“We know that, but no one knew Blaine at the time. He’d just moved here, and Annalise didn’t know either of them.”
“I guess we should move the car up closer and get out,” said Summer.
Rowena laughed as she inched the car toward the house. “Or, we could just sit here and gossip about Annalise.”
Once inside the house, all three were so welcoming and happy to see the girls that Rowena forget how badly Annalise had treated Carma in August. The two looked as happy as they had when Annalise had first arrived in Passion Peak, and Rowena suspected they’d done a fair amount of talking on the phone last night when Carma had gone outside with her phone and the keys to the SUV. Rowena had assumed she simply wanted privacy to talk to Mateo and Blaine, but now she realized she’d been talking to her cousin.
Dustin sat next to Rowena. “How is Snowball?” Dustin was the local vet, and had fallen in love with Snowball when they’d visited.
“She misses you.”
Dustin smiled. “Shadow missed all of us when we were gone. Hannah said she hardly ate.” Hannah Stiles was the other vet who worked at the Racy Animal Clinic, which Dustin owned.
“Van says Snowball is acting like I’ve left the planet. I wish we could explain to them that we intend to return.”
He nodded. “I know. How do you like Racy?”
“I like it. It reminds me of home, but without the mountains.”
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“It was beautiful there. If we weren’t so established here, I think I could talk Chad and Annalise into moving there permanently.”
Rowena glanced at Annalise and Carma. “She’d like that. Carma, I mean.”
Dustin frowned. “Chad and I are so happy those two talked on the phone last night. Annalise has been upset for months, and I’m sure Carma has been, too.”
“It was a tough time for both of them. Annalise felt betrayed because Carma never said anything to her about that summer, and Carma felt like Annalise didn’t trust her enough to make her own decisions about the incident, and how she should handle it. I’m sure you and Chad both felt stuck in the middle.”
He nodded. “Exactly.” He glanced at Chad. “I don’t think he’d mind me telling you this. Chad’s sister, Claire, was abused by their father when she was a teen. Their mother knew, but she didn’t do anything. She left the family when Chad was in high school, and Claire took her own life at seventeen, in a barn that Chad has since had torn down.”
“Oh my God…”
“So, Annalise does understand about family members who abuse teens. Chad and I know she was only trying to protect Carma, even if her reactions were a bit over-the-top at the time.”
“I’m sure Carma knows that now as well.”
Dustin nodded. “She does. Thank you.” He smiled. “I’m sure you’d rather talk about more pleasant things. How is your career going?”
Rowena told him about the projects she was working on, but her mind was on Chad and his sister. What a horrible thing to have lived through. It made what Brandt had put her through seem like child’s play. If Chad could trust Annalise after what he’d gone through, and if Carma could trust Mateo and Blaine after what her cousin had done to her, why couldn’t she trust her own husband?
Maybe she didn’t need to talk to anyone in Passion Peak. She was surrounded right here in Racy by people who had survived trauma and come out the other side to live a BDSM lifestyle. She couldn’t wait to discuss this with Van. Whether or not she saw a psychologist back home was a decision they should make together.
