A good doggie shampoo once a week had been more than enough for Boo.
‘There,’ said Spot, her voice a bit muffled by the scissors in her jaws.
Boo stared at the image in the mirror.
‘Er, it’s very—’
‘Poodley,’ said Spot helpfully.
‘I was going to say pink,’ said Boo.
‘The pink is perfect. You look just like the stuffed poodle Mum cooked for my birthday. And that little tuft on your tail looks cute.’
‘Cute,’ repeated Boo mournfully. He’d spent all his time at the School for Heroes trying not to be cute. And here he was heading off on the greatest Expedition in the history of the school, dyed pink and with a tuft on his curly tail, looking cute.
At least he didn’t look like a Hero. He just hoped he looked like dinner.
How do you get rid of Giant Termite bogeys? Exterminite them.
FROM THE MEMOIRS OF DR VB MUSSELLS, PRINCIPAL
16
Advice from the Werewolf General
It was chilly with shorn fur. Boo snuggled down on the cushion in his room at the Bigpaws’ and went through his checklist once again. Cunning Plan—yes. Tent—yes. Backpack—yes. Bottle of rat essence in case he needed to dissolve the Zurms’ slime again—yes. Dried rats as emergency rations—yes.
Boo dropped the pen from his jaws and tried to lick the drool off the notebook. That was the trouble with writing in wolf form. But he was too nervous to Change into human shape tonight. And besides, pink fur looked weird on arms and legs. And the poodle tuft on his tail looked even weirder as a pink tuft on a human-shaped bum.
He stood up and peered out of the window. He could see the Best Ice-Cream Shop in the Universes from here. Maybe by this time next week he’d be back there, with Mum. The ice-cream churns would be churning and the mixers mixing and the dried rats hanging up from the lines out the back, all ready to be made into Rat Surprises. The scents of chocolate and crushed cockroach would be wafting down the street, making everyone drool so much they left little puddles on the footpath and just had to come into the shop for the best ice cream they’d ever had…
Boo sat and scratched a flea. On the other hand, by this time next week he might be chopped werewolf, fertilising the roses in the Ghastly Otherwhen—if the Ghastly Otherwhen had roses.
If only he knew what the Ghastly Otherwhen was like! Imagine everything that’s most horrible in the universes, he told himself, then multiply it ten times.
That’s what he had to face. He gulped. He just had to remember he was a Hero…
‘Just remember you’re a Hero.’
Boo jumped. He hadn’t heard the Werewolf General come in. The old Hero grinned, showing lots of long red tongue. ‘Even if you’re a pink one.’
‘It’s a disguise,’ said Boo.
‘That’s good to know. I’d hate to think you wanted to look like that.’ The Werewolf General stumped across the floor, then sat down by Boo. ‘Scared, young pup?’
‘Yes,’ said Boo.
The Werewolf General’s laughter was half growl, deep in his big wolf’s chest. ‘Good thing too. Only a fool wouldn’t be terrified of the Ghastly Otherwhen. Have you worked out your Plan?’
‘Yes. I’m not sure that it’s Cunning enough though,’ admitted Boo. For a moment he thought the old wolf would ask what it was. But he didn’t. Instead he looked at Boo consideringly.
‘There’s nothing I can say to convince you not to go?’ he growled at last.
‘I don’t know,’ said Boo honestly. ‘Dr Mussells has already told me it’s certain death. And I know that I might be tortured, hypnotised, chopped up into small pieces or made into a werewolf pie. Is there anything worse than that?’
The Werewolf General gave a faint smile. ‘Nothing comes immediately to mind.’
‘Then no,’ said Boo. ‘You can’t say anything that will stop me going.’
‘Pity.’ The Werewolf General stretched and scratched. ‘How about some helpful advice, instead?’
‘Yes, please. Do you know something about the Ghastly Otherwhen, sir?’
‘No. But I do know a lot about being a werewolf Hero.’
Boo pricked up his ears. ‘You mean stuff I haven’t learnt at school?’
‘There’s a lot you haven’t learnt at school. You’ve been there for what, not quite a year? The school can only teach you general Hero skills. None of the teachers can teach you about being a werewolf Hero, because none of them is a werewolf. What use are lessons in deadly banana-throwing if you’re not a monkey, or Book Fu if you’re not a librarian?’
‘I do know some werewolf Hero skills,’ said Boo a little stiffly. He’d defeated the Greedle by widdling into the ice cream, hadn’t he? Only a werewolf could have done that. And he’d chased the Giant Rabbits till they were exhausted and bitten the Greedle’s bogeys…
‘Right,’ growled the Werewolf General. ‘Tell me what Heroic werewolf skills you have, then.’
‘Widdling,’ said Boo promptly.
‘What advantage can widdling give you while you’re invading the Ghastly Otherwhen? Think, pup. Think. Remember that your brain is the most powerful weapon you have.’
Boo frowned. ‘Maybe…maybe marking which way I’ve been so I can find my way back again?’
‘Good,’ said the Werewolf General approvingly. ‘The Greedle’s bogeys will expect ordinary Hero skills. They’ve faced so many Heroes that they know all about Biff! Bamm!ing and even Pow!a. But the only werewolves the Greedle’s bogeys have met are you and me. No one knows werewolf skills except a werewolf, young pup. Which means if you rely on them you’ve got a good chance of taking your enemies by surprise. What else can you do?’
Boo tried to think. ‘I can vomit stuff up pretty well.’ He’d noticed that none of the other kids at school was able to vomit on demand, even when the whole Toxic Cookery Class had eaten those funnel-web muffins.
‘What use is vomiting?’
‘Not much unless you’ve just eaten fifteen funnel-web muffins.’ He shrugged. ‘Maybe it isn’t a Hero skill at all.’
The big wolf grinned. ‘You never know. Just keep it in reserve. What else?’
‘I can howl.’
‘Never underestimate the value of a good howl,’ said the Werewolf General. ‘A good howl can bring down an avalanche.’
‘I can do doggy doo doos.’ For some reason most humans seemed to be nervous about doggy doo doos.
The Werewolf General bit back a smile. ‘I’ve never used a doggy doo as a weapon. But there’s always a first time.’
‘I can smell what people are thinking.’ Boo scratched his ear. ‘Sometimes…sometimes it almost seems like I can smell other things too. Danger. Things that aren’t…right.’
The Werewolf General did smile this time. ‘Good. You’re learning.’ He stood up, shifting his wooden leg awkwardly as he got to his feet. ‘Let’s just hope you live long enough to learn some more.’
‘Sir…I don’t suppose…I mean, there’s nothing I can say to persuade you to come too?’
We might even succeed with a Hero like the Werewolf General on board, he thought with sudden hope. But the Werewolf General shook his head.
‘No. I’d be failing in my duty as Hero of this world if I did anything that would encourage you in this. I told you when I first met you that it was impossible to rescue your mother. Now I’m telling you again.’
‘Yes, sir,’ said Boo. ‘But I’m still going.’
‘I know,’ said the Werewolf General softly. ‘Good luck, young pup.’ He lifted his leg on the door post and left a few drops. Boo heard his wooden leg clunk down the steps.
Boo lifted his nose and smelt the Werewolf General’s widdle. It smells of…of loneliness, he thought, and a touch of anger too. He hadn’t realised the Werewolf General was angry till now. But there was another emotion there as well.
There was the smell of admiration there too.
Boo sat back on his haunches. For a few seconds at least all d
oubt had vanished. Tomorrow’s Expedition might be impossible, even insane.
But he was doing what he had to do.
What’s the difference between a maggot and a cockroach?
Maggots only need a few seconds’ cooking.
FROM FAQ IN THE SLEEPY WHISKERS COOKBOOK
17
Off to the Ghastly Otherwhen
The notice was posted on the black cliff face by the wormhole entrance.
WANTED. HEROES TO INVADE THE GHASTLY OTHERWHEN. MEET BOOJUM BARK AT THE WORMHOLE, 6.30 AM, TUESDAY. BRING TENT, FOOD, DISGUISE AND WEAPONS.
At 6 am Boo sat on his haunches, neatly trimmed and still very pink, and waited. Squeak snored in the pouch hanging from his collar. Boo wasn’t sure if the little mouse knew they were about to invade the Ghastly Otherwhen together. But there was no way he could let Squeak know. Unlike Yesterday, he didn’t speak Mouse…
If only Yesterday were with him! She could Find for them, and maybe convince the monsters of the Otherwhen not to eat them, rip them into shreds or use them to decorate their Christmas trees. If there were Christmas trees in the Ghastly Otherwhen…
He missed her. It was like he’d lost all his whiskers, something he never realised was an important part of him till it was gone. It just didn’t seem right to be heading off on a Heroic Expedition without Yesterday. They’d always fought the bogeys together before. Sometimes he felt like he was being ripped in two—part of him wanted to head off to rescue Mum. The other half was trying to work out a different Plan to bring Yesterday back to school.
I need a list, he thought, as he lifted his leg and left a few drops at the wormhole entrance. 1. Invade Ghastly Otherwhen; 2. Rescue Mum; and 3. Rescue Yesterday, too.
Maybe, he thought suddenly, it’s better that Yesterday can’t come today. At least she’s safe with the Guardians. Or he supposed she was safe.
For a moment he felt like howling. What use was it being a Hero if he couldn’t help his friend? He felt like a very small pink puppy about to face a very big adventure.
He forced his tail, with its fluffy tassel on the end, to stand up straight. He was a Hero. And he was going to act like one. He’d done all the Planning he could.
Now all that was left was to get going.
Boo looked around the empty volcano ledge. It was still too early for students to be around. Even the wormhole guards were invisible today, though Boo supposed they were somewhere above him, keeping a lookout for invading bogeys. He sighed. Maybe they were keeping well away from the insane Expedition to the Ghastly Otherwhen. The only movement came from the bats, fluttering above the magma, and the glowing cinders that floated up towards the sky.
What had he expected? That the whole school and all the ancient Heroes from Rest in Pieces would be lined up here, cheering them off? That he’d have a school full of Heroes, all crying, ‘Take me to the Ghastly Otherwhen too’? No, Dr Mussells had made it quite clear that the school would have nothing to do with his scheme.
A few more bats flapped in and out of the volcano smoke, their red eyes glinting in the steam. From up at Rest in Pieces came the faint sound of an ancient Hero Wham! Bamm!ing his tentacle muesli into submission. But apart from that the school was empty.
No one else is coming, thought Boo grimly. Only someone who was desperate would ever go to the Ghastly Otherwhen. Someone like me. Or someone very, very dumb…
‘Hiya! You fall in beetroot soup?’ It was Mug.
Boo stared. ‘No, I’m disguised as a poodle. Um, why are you wearing giant mouse ears?’
‘It great disguise, huh? Me zombie mouse,’ said Mug proudly. ‘Me brought zombie sausage.’
‘Good weapon,’ said Boo, trying to think how he could get Mug disguised as something non-zombie. Some Cunning Planner you are, Boojum Bark, he thought. He hadn’t even realised Mug would need help with a disguise.
Mug shook his head, making one of the mouse ears flop over, then felt his neck to make sure the stitches had held.
‘No. Zombie sausage breakfast.’ He peered down at Boo again. ‘Your fur looks like pink fungus. Looks good. Me brought zombie pizza to fights bogeys.’ Mug grinned, showing crumbled green teeth. ‘Zombie pizza even gooder weapon than zombie spaghetti. Also great if we needs snack.’
Boo nodded slowly. He’d considered taking weapons. A few daggers. Maybe a chainsaw. But weapons said, ‘I am dangerous’. A poodle wouldn’t have weapons. Besides, he still hadn’t worked out how to throw daggers or operate a chainsaw with paws.
Mug gazed round the ledge. ‘How many other Heroes come?’
‘None.’
Mug shook his head. ‘Me not hear you.’
Boo sighed. ‘Your ear has fallen off. I SAID YOUR EAR HAS FALLEN OFF AGAIN. No, not your mouse ear. Your real ear.’ He sniffed around for a moment, then held Mug’s shrivelled ear up in his jaws. ‘Do you need a hand sticking it on? I SAID DO YOU NEED A HAND STICKING IT ON?’
Mug slapped a piece of duct tape on the ear, then clapped it onto his head below the mouse ear. ‘Me hear now. What you say?’
‘I said it’s just us.’
Mug grinned, showing what might have been bits of last night’s dinner or more teeth. ‘That goods.’
‘Good?’
‘Sure. Me only gots enough zombie sausage for us.’
Boo looked up at Mug again. The other mouse ear had flopped down now too.
Suddenly he knew he couldn’t do it. Mug would come with him anywhere, and so would Squeak. Which was the reason he couldn’t take either of them into this.
Boo stood up and tried to stop his tail from drooping. ‘I’m going alone.’
‘No yous nots,’ said Mug calmly.
‘Mug…it’s dangerous. I can’t let you come with me.’
‘Giant slugs dangerous too. But me beats them.’ Mug looked at him surprisingly shrewdly. ‘Me only mostly dumb. Some bits not dumb at all. And me coming.’ He held up a small brown object.
‘What’s that?’
‘Graunt Doom, she gives me Ghastly Otherwhen beetle. Me comes with you, or me comes after you. But me is going too.’
Boo’s tail began to wag. He wanted to lick the big zombie’s hand, but was afraid he might lick away some of Mug’s fungus. ‘Just the two of us then—’
‘Squeak!’ The mouse put his head out of the pouch. Somehow it looked ferocious and determined too.
‘Just the three of us then—’
Mug shook his head. ‘Graunt Doom said—’
Boo looked up. Someone was striding through the wormhole. Another student must have decided to join in! Was it T’ai T’ai the Terrible? She was great at Zoom!ing. Or Mad Martha? No one got away when Mad Martha got her teeth into…
‘I’m not too late, am I?’
Boo’s heart gave a thud. It was Yesterday. She blinked at him. ‘Boo, why are you all pink?’
She looked just like she had last week, except for her dress, which was her old tatty leather rag instead of the remnants of the dress she’d worn to the dance. Her feet were bare, her hands were empty. But her smile felt warmer than the volcano.
He wanted to leap all over the school, to run up to the top of the cliff and bark, ‘Yesterday is back!’
Instead he just said, ‘I’m disguised as a poodle. A pink one, for the Greedle to eat. How did you…?’ What do I say next? he thought. Escape? Get permission? Just how had Yesterday got here?
‘Well! Is that what you’re wearing? Good thing I brought more disguises, then.’
Princess Princess marched out of the wormhole carrying a big gold bag. She wore gold today, too—a long gold skirt, gold necklaces, gold slippers and a big gold crown. ‘I’m disguised as Queen Splendifera of Yukke,’ she added. She put the bag onto the black rock, and twirled around, making her skirt swirl. ‘Suits me, doesn’t it? You better all call me Your Majesty, just to keep up the disguise.’ She stared at Boo for a minute. ‘Pink so does not suit you. And that tuft on your tail looks like a duster.’
‘Princess Princes
s! What are you doing here?’
Princess Princess flushed. Boo didn’t think he’d ever seen Princess Princess blush before.
‘Coming to the Ghastly Otherwhen with you of course,’ she said shortly.
‘But you’re…’ Boo stopped.
Princess Princess stared at him. ‘I’m what?’ she challenged.
You’re a coward, he thought. He’d never even admitted it to himself. But he’d never ever expected Princess Princess to come today either.
Princess Princess lifted up her chin. ‘Look. I’m the best at everything, right?’
‘Er, yes,’ said Boo.
‘I’m the best Wham! Bamm!er in the school. A brilliant Zoom!er. The best Pow!a artist the school has ever known. I know all ninety-six volumes of the Nasty Book of Nasties off by heart and I can kick the Encyclopaedia of all the Universes right across the library. I’m the most gorgeous and the cleverest student in the school. Always. Right?’
‘Er, right.’
‘So what if there is one tiny heroic thing I haven’t got?’
‘Like courage?’ said Yesterday softly.
Princess Princess glared at her. ‘My dad paid a whole chest of the green gold of Pewké for you to come with us. That’s the most expensive gold in the universes,’ she explained to the others. ‘Even the Guardians were impressed by Pewké’s green gold. So you’d better show some gratitude.’
‘You rescued Yesterday?’
‘I hired her. Okay? For a week. And that’s as long as I’m staying too.’ Princess Princess pointed a gold toe at her pack. ‘I only brought enough clothes for a week.’
‘Bu—but why?’ stammered Boo.
‘Because I am a Hero,’ stated Princess Princess. She glared at them, as though daring anyone to contradict her. ‘And this is the most Heroic thing anyone has ever done. So I’m going too, no matter how dangerous it is.’ Princess Princess’s face turned pale at the word danger. She gulped, then put her chin up even higher.
Dance of the Deadly Dinosaurs Page 7
