by Leslie Gould
“Jah,” Rose answered. “I wanted it, at least I thought I did, until it happened. Then I regretted it, especially by the next day. Then I saw it for what it was.”
“Which was?”
She frowned. “It didn’t seem to be about love, or really even caring about each other all that much.” Tears welled up in her eyes. “I was so caught up in how I felt, how my body felt, that I didn’t think of any of that.”
Eve wrapped her arm around Rose. “Was it just one time?”
Rose nodded.
“You set a boundary, then. That’s good.”
Rose shook her head. “But it didn’t matter. Once was enough.”
The baby reached for Eve, and she took him, leaving Rose feeling empty and awkward and completely unsettled.
“What do you plan to do?” Eve asked over the baby’s head.
Tears filled her eyes again. “Tell Trevor. I hope he’ll want to get married and be a father to our Bobbli.”
“Would you be willing to go to Delaware?” Eve asked.
Rose wrapped her arms around herself. “I hope he’ll want to stay here. I don’t want to leave everyone. What would I do all alone, without my family?”
“You’d have a new family.”
Tears flooded over the rims of Rose’s eyes.
“Do you know Trevor well enough to commit your life to his?”
“I think so.” Rose exhaled again. “I know it won’t be easy. But I think it’s what’s best. I think we can come to love each other, to learn to.”
Eve cocked her head. “Marriage is hard, under the best of circumstances.”
“I know,” Rose said. At least she had some idea it was hard. It wasn’t as if she wanted to marry Trevor, but she was over fifty percent sure, just barely, it would be the right thing to do. “I should get over to Zane’s. So I can talk to Trevor.” She couldn’t believe he planned to move back home, not now.
“You need someone to go with you,” Eve said. “Like Shani. Or Beth.”
Rose shook her head. “I don’t want to tell them.”
“Then wait until Charlie gets home, and I’ll go with you.”
Rose shook her head. She didn’t want that.
Eve frowned. “You should know we’ve had some concerns about Trevor. I wouldn’t say anything except for your circumstances. He’s moody. And he had a couple of outbursts when Charlie asked him pointed questions.”
They’d probably been too nosy. Before she could say anything, the phone rang.
“That’s probably the doctor.” Eve stepped toward the landline. Rose nodded.
Eve answered the phone, replied to a few questions, and then said, “We’ll be right in.” When she hung up, she said, “I’ve got to go.”
“Of course,” Rose said. “I appreciate you listening.”
“I’ll buy a pregnancy test at the pharmacy,” Eve said. “Come back tomorrow and take it. Then you’ll know for sure. You can stay here if you need to, until you decide—until you figure things out, as far as your future.”
“Denki,” Rose said, stepping into the entryway and retrieving her cape from the coat-tree. “I’ll take you up on the pregnancy test offer. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Eve gave her a half hug, said good-bye, and hurried down the hall. Rose let herself out, leaving the hot tea behind, facing the icy cold and the task of tracking down Trevor on her own.
When Rose reached the end of Juneberry Lane, Trevor’s car was parked in front of the Becks’ home, but she turned around and drove back home, telling herself she didn’t want to leave her buggy at the neighbors’. She parked and unhitched the horse, getting her into her stall in the barn. Dat was gone—he’d probably gone to get Beth. After she brushed, watered, and fed her horse she sat down on a hay bale outside of the stall and put her head in her hands and tried to pray. But absolutely nothing came.
Finally she stood, gathered her courage, and started through the field. A layer of ice covered the snow, causing her to slip several times as she shuffled along. Already the sun was lowering behind the line of poplars. She could make out the melody of the creek, beyond the trees, but she couldn’t enjoy it. She pressed forward, walking as fast as she could in the ice and snow.
When she reached the hedge, she veered toward the left, toward the little house. Smoke swirled out of the chimney. She hoped Trevor was there alone.
After knocking a couple of times and not getting an answer, she peered through the front window. There weren’t any lamps lit. Perhaps Trevor had gone with Zane to his folks’ house—or maybe they’d left in Trevor’s car.
She knocked a third time. “Hey,” said a voice from behind her. It was Trevor. She turned, slowly, her knees weak. She dreaded speaking with him more than anything in her entire life.
“Hey, yourself,” she said. “Why did you stand me up?”
A confused expression passed over his face, and then he said, “Oh, no.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“I forgot all about it,” he said. “I packed all my things from Eve and Charlie’s this morning. I’m staying here tonight.”
“Because?”
“I’m going home tomorrow.”
Rose wrapped her arms around herself. “Were you going to tell me?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t think you’d care.”
The truth was, she wouldn’t have a couple of weeks ago. She would have been happy to have him leave. But now everything had changed.
“Where’s Zane?” she asked.
“Over at his parents’. Playing a game of Scrabble with Adam.” Trevor held up his phone. “I was just charging this.” He sighed. “What did you need to talk about?”
Rose exhaled slowly, holding on to her forearms under her cape as she did.
He stepped closer, towering over her. “Look,” he said, “like I told you, I didn’t intend for that to happen. I knew it was a bad idea as soon . . .”
Tears started to sting her eyes.
“Will this make things difficult with Reuben? Will he break up with you, if he finds out? Because I haven’t told anyone. There’s no way he’ll know, as long as you haven’t said anything.” He glanced over his shoulder and then back at Rose, his voice lower. “Have you told anyone?”
She nodded.
He groaned. “Who?”
“Eve.”
“Okay,” he said. “She can be trusted. She would never tell Reuben, right?”
Rose shook her head. “That’s not the problem.”
“What’s the problem?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“No,” he whispered. “Are you sure?”
“Jah.”
“You mean, you took a test and it was positive. That kind of sure?”
“I’ll take the test tomorrow. But I’m sure.” She was never late and everything felt different. The never-ending morning sickness. The fatigue. Her body.
“Look,” he said. “I’m going home. I quit my job here. I have a lead on another one there—I’ve been planning this for the last month.”
Rose put her hand on the rail, to steady herself. “Are you getting back together with your girlfriend?”
He shrugged. “She knows I’m coming home, but we haven’t really talked things through.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t think you and I should even talk about this until you’ve taken a test, right? Because how can you know for sure?”
“I do,” Rose said.
“No!” He stormed past her. Reaching the door, he grasped the knob and said, “Take the test. Then call me. There’s no reason to get all worked up until we know for sure.”
A tear spilled from her eye and then another one. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” She turned back toward the field, slipping as she did.
He must have turned to watch her go, because he called out, “Wait. I’ll walk with you.”
Rose kept on going, but she sensed him coming up behind her, and then he grabbed her elbow. At first she wanted to fling her arm away from him, but
she didn’t. Instead she stopped and looked up into his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “We’ll figure this out.”
“All right.” She swallowed hard, not wanting to cry in front of him.
He bent down and hugged her, first just a friendly hug but as she responded he held her tighter. Jah, the passion was still there. She forced herself away from him and started across the field again. Sure, a marriage with Trevor might be a lot of work, like Eve said—more than she could imagine, she was sure—but she would do it for her Bobbli. She’d become Englisch if she needed to. She didn’t blame him for wanting her to take a test to make sure. They’d figure things out after it was definite.
If things didn’t work out with Trevor, she wouldn’t marry Reuben. She wouldn’t do that to her child. Who was she kidding? Reuben wouldn’t want to marry her. Not after what she’d done.
As she continued on, she ached for Trevor. Hopefully they’d figure everything out sooner rather than later.
The next afternoon Rose stood in Eve’s black-and-white-tiled bathroom and watched a pink dot appear on the end of the plastic stick in her hand. It only confirmed what she already knew. She headed out to the living room and held it up for Eve.
Her aunt’s eyes were kind. “Did you talk with Trevor yesterday?”
“Jah,” Rose said.
Eve held up her cell phone. “Would you like to call him now?”
Rose shook her head. She’d call him later.
“What will you do after you talk with Trevor?” Eve asked.
“I’ll tell Reuben. And Dat. Although maybe not tomorrow—I might need some time to work up my courage.”
“Are you seeing Reuben at all?”
Rose shook her head. “Only at church.”
“Well, it’s good you plan to tell him. He deserves to know what’s going on, to hear it from you.”
Rose didn’t reply.
“What if Trevor doesn’t step up, but Reuben wants to court you again, regardless of what’s happened?”
Rose shook her head. “I don’t want that.”
“What will you do? Never marry?”
Rose shrugged. “I don’t know what I’ll do. I just don’t believe Reuben would ever truly accept my child.”
“But look at your Dat. He—”
Rose shook her head again. “He didn’t. He never treated Lila and Daniel the way he did the rest of us.”
“Rose . . .”
“You know it’s true.”
“But he got over it eventually, right?”
“No, not really. If I were in an accident like Lila was, do you think he would have sent me off to live in a house over by the neighbors? No. He would have built a ramp to our house. He would have put a bed in the living room, if needed.”
“It was easier to have Lila stay over there. That’s all. And besides, it will be her home soon.”
Rose wrinkled her nose. “She was hurt that Dat didn’t care more. She would never admit it, true, but it still hurt her. She was talking about her real father not too long ago—”
“Biological father. Tim is her real father.”
“Oh,” Rose said.
“Families get formed in all sorts of ways,” Eve said. “Charlie and I both feel absolutely committed to Jackson.”
“Jah,” Rose said. “It appears that way. But you’ll never have other children to compare how you feel, you’ll never know if you’d favor a biological child.”
“We wouldn’t,” Eve said.
“But my point is, Dat did. You can’t deny it. And Reuben is a whole lot more like Dat than like you and Charlie.”
Eve started to say something but then stopped. Finally she said, “But you’re going to need a husband. And your baby is going to need a father.”
“Jah,” Rose said. “And I am hoping Trevor will step up.” She held out her hand, changing her mind about calling Trevor. “I guess I better give him a call. He’s not going to have a chance to do the right thing until he knows what’s going on.”
She dialed and then stepped into the kitchen to leave a message. She simply said the test had been positive. “Call me back on Eve’s phone as soon as possible. If I’m already gone, let her know when I can call you back. We need to figure out what to do.”
She finished the call and returned to the living room, handing Eve the phone. Then she rested her head on her Aenti’s shoulder. Eve patted her shoulder. “Remember, this baby is the consequence of your sin not the punishment. This baby will be a blessing.”
Rose nodded. She didn’t feel that in her soul, but she knew it was true. In time she hoped she’d feel it, for the Bobbli’s sake.
“You can come live with us,” Eve said. “You could be Jackson’s caregiver. That will give you a break from home and give your Dat and Beth more time together.”
“Lila still needs a lot of care.”
“Beth will be finished working soon.” Eve’s voice was so soft and gentle that for a moment Rose almost believed everything would work out.
“I’ll talk to Dat about all of this and let you know,” Rose finally said. But first she’d practice on Reuben. She might be Dat’s biological child and have his unconditional love, but she was still afraid of him. Even if he had Beth by his side. He’d survived Daniel running around. Simon joining the Army. Lila jilting Reuben.
But she couldn’t imagine how he’d survive her being pregnant.
18
Reuben was surprised when Rose drove her buggy through the parking lot and up to the hitching post. He stood at the counter watching her, wondering if he should go out and greet her or wait for her to come inside. He’d only seen her at church since Tim and Beth’s wedding. She’d claimed caring for Lila was taking all of her extra time, but he wasn’t sure he believed her. He feared something else was going on.
He’d heard through his father that Trevor had left Lancaster County and gone back to Delaware. At least Reuben didn’t have to worry about his influence on Rose anymore.
She tied the horse and turned toward the building, her face red from the cold. His heart raced at the sight of her walking toward him, and he stepped through the door of the warehouse, toward her. “Rose,” he called out.
She waved, slightly, and started toward him. The wind whipped at her skirt, and he held the door wide, motioning her inside.
Once she was in the building, she undid her black bonnet and swung it from her head.
“Would you like a cup of coffee?” Reuben asked. “I just brewed a pot.”
She shook her head and then asked, “Is anyone else here?”
“No, it’s a slow day.” Business had been down, and Tim hadn’t been coming in for the last couple of weeks.
Rose glanced around, as if making sure.
“What’s the matter?” Reuben asked.
“I have a confession to make,” she said. “I need to speak with my father and your father too, but first I wanted to tell you. I didn’t want you to hear it from anyone else.”
His hands and feet grew cold and his face warm, all at the same time. He didn’t want to hear a confession, not from Rose.
By the devastated look on her face and then the motion of her hand across her cape, he was certain she was pregnant. Tears filled her eyes.
“Whose is it?” he asked. For a moment he thought maybe he was wrong and was ashamed that he could be so cruel. But when she bowed her head, he knew he’d guessed correctly.
“Is it Trevor’s?”
She nodded.
He braced himself against the counter. “Why?”
“It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. It just . . . happened.”
He doubted that was true. It had been impossible to miss the way she and Trevor had looked at each other—both at the barn raising and that night in the little house. Those were just the times he’d witnessed what passed between the two of them. It hadn’t just happened.
But maybe Trevor had forced her. “Have you spoken with anyone else about this?”
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“Eve.”
“Did she ask you about . . . what happened?” It wouldn’t be proper for him to bring it up.
“Jah,” Rose said, her face growing even redder. “It wasn’t like that. Honest.”
For a minute Reuben felt it would be easier on him if she had been forced, but then he felt ashamed for thinking that way. That meant Rose would have been abused. He didn’t want that.
He had loved her. He had trusted her. He had wanted to marry her. His throat burned as he spoke. “Does Trevor know about the baby?”
“I told him I suspected. . . . And then I left him a message, but I haven’t heard back.”
“Did you keep seeing him up until the time he left?” Reuben asked.
“No, not at all . . . after . . . after what happened. But I did see him the day before he left.”
“To tell him?”
She nodded.
“What do you plan to do now?”
She shrugged. “Tell my Dat. And your Dat. Confess before the congregation.”
“And then?”
She looked away from him and whispered, “I don’t know.”
“What about Trevor?”
She shrugged again.
“Would you follow him to Delaware? To his home?”
She met his gaze. “I have no idea what I’ll do. I won’t know until I have a chance to talk with him.”
He nodded then. That was all he could ask of her.
“I really am sorry,” she said.
He nodded. Of course she was. Her sin had found her out.
“Please forgive me,” she said.
He nodded. He had no choice but to forgive her, although that didn’t mean he wouldn’t feel the pain of what she’d done. For a long time. Maybe forever. But she didn’t owe him a debt, and he wouldn’t hold it over her.
“Do you need anything from me?” Reuben finally asked. “I could go with you to tell your Dat—and my Dat too.”
Rose shook her head. “That’s too much.”
He didn’t want her to have to go alone. “I’ll go if it would help.”
“It would . . .” Her voice trailed off as if she wasn’t sure of what she’d just said.
“I can come over right after supper. Then we can go from your place to my Dat’s.”
