by Leslie Gould
As Lila pinned her Kapp in place, instead of the scarf she’d been wearing for the last few weeks except when she left the house, she realized how focused she’d been on herself. True, right after the accident she had to concentrate on her healing. She had no energy for anything else. But it was time for her to start putting others before herself again.
She crutched her way to the kitchen, cheered by the thought of a mug of coffee. As she poured, Beth stepped into the kitchen, ready for the day. “My, you’re up early,” she said. She seemed a little too chipper considering what was going on in the family. “What shall we fix for breakfast?”
Lila shrugged. She wasn’t sure what was on hand.
“How about a haystack?”
Just the thought of it made Lila’s mouth water—for the first time in months. Biscuits on the bottom, diced ham, eggs, cheese, and then gravy. Dat would be in heaven.
“Sounds good,” Lila said. “I can chop the ham and grate the cheese.”
“Great idea,” Beth said. In no time she had Lila set up at the table while she mixed up the biscuits.
“Have you seen my bottle of pills? They were in the cupboard next to the refrigerator.”
“No,” Beth said, opening up the cupboard. “I don’t know where else they would be.”
“I’ll ask Rose,” Lila said.
Trudy came in, gave Beth a hug, and headed to the bathroom to wash.
Beth hummed “Amazing Grace” as she cooked. Perhaps Dat had stoked the fire more than usual, or perhaps it was Beth’s goodness that warmed the house. She popped the biscuits into the oven and then traipsed over to the refrigerator, pulling out the gravy from the night before. She dumped it into a pan and lit the burner. Then she opened the carton of eggs on the counter.
“Life was so easy for you before,” Lila said. “You probably ate an apple and cheese for breakfast.”
Beth stopped for a moment. “A banana and peanut butter was actually my favorite.”
Lila shook her head. “Try feeding that to Dat.”
Beth smiled back and then said, “I’m so thankful I’ll never eat breakfast by myself again, Lord willing.” She turned back to cooking the eggs. “It’s a privilege to be part of a family again.”
Family. Tears filled Lila’s eyes. She was grateful for their family too. Yet she longed for something more, for a deeper connection. Trudy interrupted Lila’s thoughts, asking Beth if she should go help Dat and Rose.
“No,” Beth said. “Please set the table.”
As Trudy worked, she asked, “Will Rose keep living here?”
Beth turned toward her. “What do you mean?”
Trudy positioned Dat’s plate. “Well, since Trevor is the father of her Bobbli, shouldn’t she marry him?”
“Possibly not,” Beth said. “There are a lot of issues to take into account. Remember how we talked in class about gathering all the evidence before making a decision? Rose needs to do that.”
Lila’s heart contracted. None of it felt fair. She had a man who loved her, a house . . . and a body that might not be able to get pregnant, that wouldn’t be able to carry a Bobbli in a normal way.
Rose had the Bobbli but no husband or home.
Dat was thrilled with breakfast. In light of the news from the night before, everyone was on their best behavior, until Rose turned to Dat and said, “I will take Eve up on her offer to be Jackson’s caregiver. That will be better for everyone.”
Dat pushed back in his chair. “Could we discuss this later?”
“Sure,” Rose said, “but I’m going to go over and talk with Eve this afternoon.”
After breakfast, Dat drove Beth and Trudy to school and Rose started to clean up. Lila sat at the table and asked, “How did things go last night over at Gideon’s?”
“Fine,” Rose answered.
“What did he say?”
“That I’ll need to confess in front of the congregation. Then be under the Bann. The usual stuff.” Rose shrugged.
It was all expected. “Did he say anything about Reuben?”
Rose shook her head and started washing the dishes.
An hour later the physical therapist arrived. Day by day, all of it was getting easier for Lila. But still, by the time the woman left, Lila was exhausted.
When Dat came in for dinner—pork loin with applesauce—he told Rose that he had a message that Reuben had a big delivery to make and he needed Dat to work at the lumberyard. Then he said, “I’ll need you to pick up Beth and Trudy.”
“All right,” Rose said. “I’ll do it after I go by Eve’s.”
Dat shook his head. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”
Rose shrugged.
Lila watched the two. Something was changing in both of them. Beth had definitely mellowed Dat, but it was more than that. He seemed more settled as a parent. Much more than he had been with Daniel’s Rumschpringe, Simon joining the Army, or with her decision not to court Reuben.
But she knew Rose’s news was still hard on Dat. He pushed back his chair, thanked Rose for dinner, and left for the lumberyard. He didn’t tell Lila good-bye.
While Rose scrubbed the dishes, Lila said, “I’ll go with you. I want to talk to Eve too.”
“All right,” Rose answered, but she didn’t ask about what and Lila didn’t offer her any information.
Lila was still in pain though. “Have you seen my meds? They were in the kitchen cupboard.”
Rose sighed. “Not this again. When was the last time you saw them?”
“That last doctor’s appointment.”
Rose shook her head. “I haven’t seen them.”
Lila searched the bathroom and, not finding the bottle, took two ibuprofen.
They arrived at Eve’s just after four. She’d just gotten home from her teaching job and hadn’t taken Jackson’s coat off of him yet. Rose took the baby from her and pulled his arms out from each sleeve, and then bounced him gently while Eve put her book bag away and took off her coat. She wore pants and a cardigan over a long-sleeved cotton shirt. It was still hard for Lila, even though it had been over ten years, to get used to her Aenti dressing Englisch.
Lila managed to plant herself on the sofa. Eve offered them tea, but first Lila and then Rose declined. “Sit down,” Lila said. “We both want to talk with you.”
“All right,” Eve said, a concerned look on her face. She sat on the other end of the sofa.
“You go first,” Lila said to Rose.
Rose turned toward Eve as she patted the baby’s back. “I’d like to be Jackson’s caregiver and live here. I think it would be good for me—I’d get more experience with an infant, more than just being a mother’s helper. And I think it would be good for Dat and Beth too—even Trudy—not to have me around.” Her eyes grew a little misty, but her voice was strong.
“Rose,” Lila said. “That’s not how anyone feels.”
“I know,” Rose said. “Dat’s responded much better than I expected, but it would be easier for them. Dat and Beth don’t deserve to have to deal with me right now.”
Eve exhaled. “I would be glad to have you care for Jackson.”
Rose nodded.
“Have you spoken with Trevor?” Eve asked.
Rose shook her head. “He never returned my call.”
“Do you want Charlie to call him?”
Rose shook her head again. “No. I want to let it be, for now.”
“All right,” Eve said.
When neither said any more, Lila cleared her throat. “Speaking of birth fathers.”
Rose rolled her eyes. Lila smiled. That was more like the sister she knew.
“Yes,” Eve said.
“I’d like to find mine, and I wondered if you have any more information on him.”
Eve stood. “Did you speak with your Dat about this?”
“I’m an adult. I don’t need his permission.” Lila felt a little foolish. She was totally dependent on her father.
“Have you thought it through? What if yo
u can’t find him? Or what if he doesn’t want to meet? What if he does agree to meet, and you don’t like him?”
“Why?” Lila asked. “Was he not very likable?”
Eve smiled. “No, that’s not it. He was very likable. But that was a long time ago, and I honestly didn’t know him very well.”
Lila shrugged. “At least I’d know who he is.”
Eve hesitated. Finally she said, “I really don’t know any more than that his name is Butch Wilson. And that he was from Virginia.”
“Do you know what city?”
Eve shook her head.
“How old do you think he was? You know. Back then.”
“Twenty. Maybe. Not more than twenty-one.”
“So he’d be forty-three or so?”
Eve nodded.
Lila’s mother would only be forty if she’d lived.
Eve leaned forward a little. “How do you plan to find him?”
“I’ll ask Shani if I can use her computer.”
“Use mine,” Eve said. “Now, if you want to.”
“Really?” Lila struggled to her feet but before she could make her way around the coffee table, Rose cleared her throat.
“We need to get going. Remember? Dat asked us to pick up Beth and Trudy.”
“Oh, that’s right,” Lila said, disappointed. “But we still have some time. Could you just give me a few minutes?” It would be a while until she’d have much time over at Shani’s.
Rose nodded, but she didn’t look happy.
“Sit back down,” Eve said. “I’ll bring you my laptop.”
It didn’t take long, with Eve’s help, and there were only eight Butch Wilsons listed in all of Virginia.
“How will you call the numbers?” Eve asked. “You probably don’t want them leaving messages on your Dat’s machine.”
Probably not. She’d need to ask Shani. “Do you have a piece of paper and pen? I’ll write down the numbers and call later.”
Eve produced both. As Lila recorded the numbers, Eve told Rose she should move in and start her caretaking at the beginning of the new year, once Beth had quit her teaching job.
Lila felt a pang of loss. Rose would soon be gone. Life was constantly changing.
Lila sat in the buggy, a wool blanket wrapped around her legs, and stared out the window as Rose drove toward the school. A ribbon of fog hung low across the field. They passed two boys wearing black coats and straw hats racing their scooters along the narrow shoulder. Then a farmer dragging his field. Vapor curled up from the noses of his workhorses. As they neared the site of the accident, Lila began to tense. She hadn’t been back since that fateful day.
“Is that Reuben’s wagon?” Rose asked.
Lila shifted her eyes from the side window to the windshield. Someone had stopped in the road. Most likely Reuben.
“What in the world is he doing?” Rose slowed the wagon. “Would it be rude not to stop and say hello?”
“No, I think it would be fine to keep going.” Lila craned her neck. It was definitely Reuben’s wagon—and he was standing on the right-hand side. After last night, he probably wouldn’t want to see them anyway.
He started to wave and then motioned for them to stop. Rose groaned and slowed the buggy. Reuben wore his work coat and leather gloves.
“Hey!” he called out. Maybe he had an axle break or something.
“You’d better stop,” Lila said.
Rose pulled the buggy behind the wagon.
“No,” Lila said, glancing over her shoulder and making sure there wasn’t anyone behind them. “Pull over farther.”
Reuben came around to Lila’s door and opened it once the buggy stopped. “Zane and I were talking about your accident a while back—about the driver claiming Billie veered off into the road. I mentioned his concerns to the sheriff, but I’ve been thinking about it more.”
Lila wrinkled her nose.
“Billie wasn’t hit, right, by the SUV?”
“No,” Lila said. “The impact pushed him into the ditch, on top of me, but the SUV didn’t hit him.”
“Can you come look at what I’ve re-created?”
Lila glanced at Rose. She wasn’t sure if she had the energy.
“I’ll help you get down.” Rose set the brake and then hurried around the buggy.
Reuben nodded to Rose, and he didn’t seem upset. It was as if the night before hadn’t happened.
Once Lila was safely on the ground, her crutches in place, she asked Reuben, “Where are you delivering the lumber?”
“Just past the school,” he said, pointing.
Reuben grasped a tape measure in his hands as he asked Lila, “Where did you and Billie end up?”
“In the creek,” she said. “I lost consciousness, but I remember coming to. I could see the maple there—some of the leaves were still green but some were turning red. It was really beautiful.” Now the branches were completely bare.
“You went over the top of Billie, right?”
“Jah,” Lila said. “The impact launched me off the bench and through the windshield, on to Billie. By the time we reached the ditch, I must have gone over the top of him and then he landed on me.”
“But he wasn’t hit?”
Lila shook her head. “No. Just the back of the buggy was.” She leaned against the crutch. “What are you thinking?”
“That if Billie had veered out in front of the SUV, you would have ended up in the middle of the road, not the creek.”
“But wouldn’t the police have figured that out?”
Reuben shrugged. “I think once the driver said that the horse had stepped in front of him, that’s what the police officer had in mind and that’s what got written down in the report.”
“Oh.” It was kind of Reuben to research the accident on her behalf, but she doubted the police would believe him. As they walked back toward the buggy, she fell behind Rose. Reuben stayed at Lila’s side. He seemed so calm. Perhaps he hadn’t cared as much for Rose as she thought he had.
“You seem to be doing all right,” she said quietly.
He nodded but when she glanced toward him his eyes were watery. Perhaps it was the cold air. Or the wind.
Rose helped her back up into the buggy, and they both told Reuben good-bye. Then he shut the door firmly, pressing his hand against it as he did.
Lila waved, a lump forming in her throat.
“That was awkward,” Rose said.
Lila swallowed, not sure what to say. Finally she said, “He’s a good man.”
Rose’s voice wavered as she said, “I know.”
Lila turned her attention toward her sister. Rose swiped a tear away. Surprised, Lila placed her hand on her sister’s arm. “What are you feeling?”
“Regret. Shame. Disappointment in myself for what I’ve done. For hurting Reuben. For changing the entire course of my life.”
It wasn’t like Rose to feel shame. Lila inhaled and kept holding on to Rose. “Do you love him?”
Rose pressed her lips together. Finally she turned toward Lila. “I thought I did—but obviously I didn’t or I wouldn’t have treated him the way I did. In the midst of our time in the barn, I told myself I loved Trevor, until . . . Then it was so clear that I didn’t, and that he didn’t love me either.”
Reuben’s wagon began to roll forward.
Rose watched it go but didn’t release the brake. “I guess I’m not sure what love is at this point. I respect Reuben. And I admire him even more for how he’s dealing with this.”
Lila continued to hold on to her sister’s arm until a vehicle passing them on the left startled her. It was a black SUV. It passed Reuben’s wagon too and then turned right. “Would you follow it?” Lila asked, wondering if the man who hit her lived close by. Was he preparing to turn when he plowed into the back of her buggy?
Rose complied, but by the time they turned, the vehicle was out of sight. Perhaps it had turned into the driveway of one of the three houses along the lane.
“
Denki,” Lila said. “There’s no reason to keep going.”
“I’ll just go as far as the last house. Perhaps we’ll see the SUV in one of the driveways.”
“Chances are it’s not the same SUV that hit me.”
“It could be though,” Rose said. “It’s worth investigating.”
The vehicle was parked in the driveway of the second house. No one was in sight, but there was a pink bike propped up against the garage and a green turtle sandbox with a missing eye in the yard.
“Want me to go knock on the door and ask?”
“No.” But Lila appreciated Rose’s courage. She’d talk to Zane about it. “Let’s go get Beth and Trudy. They probably wonder what’s taking us so long.” They’d have to light the lantern when they got to the school. Dusk was already falling and the caution sign on the back of the buggy wouldn’t be enough. Lila shivered, anxious to get home.
When they reached the school, Beth and Trudy stood on the porch waiting for them, holding hands. Jah, everything was changing. Trudy wouldn’t need Lila the way she had all these years. It was a blessing, but it didn’t feel that way to Lila. She wasn’t sure what her role in her family was anymore. She had little to offer right now. To her family and to Zane.
20
Zane stood against the half wall of concrete blocks on the construction site, waiting for Mom to pick him up. Hopefully they’d get to the lawyer’s office before it closed. His boss waved as he headed to his truck. “Need a ride?”
Zane shook his head. “Thanks anyway.” He kicked against the blocks to knock the snow and mud from his boots, buttoned his coat, and clapped his gloved hands together. Dusk fell early now that winter had arrived.
Mom’s van came around the corner. He could have called someone else for a ride—like most Amish, he had several drivers he could rely on—but it was easier to ask Mom. As she pulled up beside him, Adam climbed into the back seat, and Zane hopped into the front. He couldn’t help but feel like a kid again. Sometimes those years of driving seemed like a dream.
He had to admit his pickup was what he missed the most, more than a phone, more than the Internet, more than continuing his education. And it wasn’t just the act of driving. It was not being dependent on someone else.
