He liked Leah and he admired her courage in standing up to him when she deemed it necessary. But she was a respectable gentlewoman and he...he could offer her nothing apart from the loss of her virtue and the ruin of her reputation.
‘Dolphin Court is very different without her.’
But I do not miss her. Not like you mean.
And that was yet another reason why he did not deserve to consider his own unhappiness. Why could he not have loved Rebecca as she deserved? If he had, she would still be here now. Was he even capable of love? He stepped away from the fireplace.
‘I’m sure I will come to terms with her absence in time. I must bid you goodnight now but, please, stay and finish your brandy. I hope it will help you to sleep when you go back to bed. If you need time to recover in the morning, send word and I shall arrange for the boys to be cared for. Again...’ he executed a small bow ‘...I apologise for my behaviour and I hope we may put it behind us.’
Her mouth twitched into a tentative half-smile that did not reach her eyes. ‘Goodnight, my lord.’
Chapter Eleven
As the library door closed softly behind Dolph, Leah allowed her forced smile to drop. She leaned back in the chair, one hand pressed to her bosom, feeling as though the weight of the world rested on her shoulders.
‘Oh, dear God,’ she whispered, closing her eyes. Warm moisture seeped from beneath her lids. ‘Oh, dear God...what now?’
But the question was rhetorical. She knew very well ‘what now’. The luxury of staying at Dolphin Court until the last possible minute had been wrenched from her. She must now leave for London sooner rather than later because she knew neither she nor Dolph could move past this. That kiss would always lie between them—unspoken and unacknowledged, maybe, but it would be there, overshadowing everything. Muddying their relationship as employer and employee. Distracting them both from the most important thing—the happiness and welfare of Stevie and Nicky.
She relived that kiss, the entire surface of her skin tingling as she recalled his lips moving over hers and their tongues dancing together. Never had she dreamed of such a wonderful sensation, and she had—for several enchanting, sensual, delusional minutes—revelled in the fantasy that he had fallen in love with her. Her treacherous mind had conjured up a hopeless dream of her and Dolph and the children as a family, living together happily at Dolphin Court for the rest of their lives.
But reality had eventually intruded, thank goodness, although it had taken every ounce of her strength to push him away.
She’d been attracted to him from the first moment they met and, since his return, that attraction had strengthened, and she’d suspected—maybe even hoped—it was not entirely one-sided. But she could not and would not fool herself the glimpses of fire and longing she had seen in him had anything to do with feelings or love. She must face the truth. Those flashes of desire were merely the frustration of a widower with no outlet for his physical needs. He’d all but admitted it.
Dolph was still grieving, and she must not allow herself to become a convenient prop to help him get over his wife’s death. She had been used by both Peter and Lord Usk for their own purposes before being cast aside, and she vowed that never again would she allow her foolish dreams to override her common sense in matters of the heart.
Her throat tightened, a painful lump lodged inside as she accepted she must say goodbye to the children and to Dolph within days. But how soon? Tomorrow? Impossible to walk away just like that. Would it really hurt to stay an extra week, or maybe two? But she knew, deep down, she was lying to herself if she tried to pretend the boys still needed her support to become more confident around their father. In truth, their relationship was strengthening every day.
There was no excuse not to go straight away but, for her own sake, she would wait a little longer, just to give her a little more time with the boys... A sob built up in her chest but she managed to gulp it back. She would spend that time storing up memories, and she would avoid being alone with Dolph, for that way lay temptation of a sort that would only give her more heartache. She would delay telling either the children or Dolph about her departure until she was ready to go. A selfish decision, perhaps, but she could not bear the thought of a long, drawn-out painful goodbye. A short, sharp pain would be better for all concerned, but especially for her.
But... Dolph would need time to find a suitable new governess. She pondered that dilemma—there must be a way to stay fair to everyone. Her thoughts flew to Philippa. Philippa...her level-headed friend who loved children and to whom she had already decided to unburden herself about Lady Tregowan’s will and that amazing and unexpected change of fortune. Philippa would, surely, step in and bridge the gap between Leah leaving and a new governess being appointed?
So, she would say nothing to Dolph—or to anyone at the Court—until she’d spoken to Philippa and, in the meantime, she would work on creating happy memories for both herself and for the children. The minute she reached that decision, a feeling of calm descended despite the voice of warning in her head that her decision to stay for even one extra day was risking more heartbreak for herself.
She straightened in the chair and reached for her brandy, swallowing it in one huge gulp. She coughed, her eyes watering. It would take all of her strength, but she would behave as though that kiss had never happened.
* * *
Leah had still not visited Miss Strong when, two days later, the door to the schoolroom burst open while Dolph—later than usual—was helping Stevie with his arithmetic and Leah patiently worked with Nicky on his writing skills on the far side of the room. It was as though that kiss had never happened. Leah gave no hint of discomfort in his presence, while Dolph studiously avoided being alone with her.
George—a hectic flush on his cheeks—rushed in with a panting Wolf at his heels.
‘Oh! Apologies, et cetera. But, Dolph, really! Tell me you have skates.’ George executed a hasty bow in Leah’s direction. ‘Apologies, Miss Thame, for the interruption to your lesson, but Palmer told me you were here, Dolph, and I could not wait.’
‘Could not wait for what, George?’
‘I have come from the village—the pond is covered in thick ice, and I’ve been ice skating with Phil—Miss Strong. Such fun! The whole village was out there, watching or taking part.’
‘Skating?’ Leah said. ‘But... Lord Hinckley...your shoulder...’
George had only recently dispensed with using the sling to support his left arm. He laughed. ‘Oh, I took care, never fear. I wasn’t likely to fall, you know, Miss Thame—my balance is first rate, and there is nothing wrong with my other arm, so I took particular care to skate on Miss Strong’s left so I could catch her if needs be. Not that I was needed, for she is an excessively talented skater—pirouettes and all sorts! She showed up everyone else on the ice, I can tell you.’
‘And that is what you have come to tell us, George?’ asked Dolph.
‘Well, yes. I thought we might take the boys skating tomorrow—I am sure they will enjoy it and Miss Strong is very much looking forward to seeing us all. Tell me you have skates stashed away in an attic somewhere, Dolph. You must have.’
Dolph rubbed his jaw, conscious Nicky was looking at him pleadingly. Stevie sat quietly, head bent, making it hard to decipher whether he would enjoy such an excursion, and he noticed Leah give his hand a quick squeeze. But...ice skating. It would be good fun, and it would be an opportunity to spend time with the boys away from the schoolroom until they found suitable ponies, and they could ride out together.
Frinton—who presided over the stables—had asked around about suitable ponies for the boys, learning of two for sale at a farm some four miles away, but the weather had been too cold and the ground too hard and slippery to go and try them out. So, until then, any time spent with the boys involved lessons.
Leah and the boys still took their daily walk when the weathe
r was dry, but Dolph had avoided going with them, fearing the boys would rush hither and thither and leave far too much time for he and Leah to talk privately. He had taken care to avoid being alone with her since the morning after that kiss, when they’d both agreed it had been a mistake and they would forget all about it. Easier said than done, he had found, for he’d been unable to banish it from his thoughts no matter how hard he tried. Leah, on the other hand, appeared to have shrugged off the incident with little effort.
‘Please, Papa,’ Nicky begged. ‘I love to skate on the ice.’
‘You do, Nicky?’ Leah’s lips pursed, holding back a smile, but her blue-green eyes laughed, and Dolph’s heart felt as though it were performing a slow somersault. ‘When did you try ice skating?’
Nicky pouted. ‘I skidded on a puddle yesterday. It is fun.’
‘It’s not as easy as you might think, Nicky,’ said Dolph. ‘You have to balance on a thin metal blade strapped to each shoe. People fall over. A lot.’
‘I won’t fall,’ said Nicky. ‘But I bet Stevie does. An’ he’ll cry!’
‘Will not!’ Steven glared at his younger brother.
‘Enough, boys. Yes, we will all go tomorrow. I know there are skates around somewhere from when I was a lad.’ He found himself looking forward to it with an eagerness that surprised him and, before he could check his words, he added, ‘And I am fairly certain there is a pair for you, too, Miss Thame.’
‘Me?’ She looked startled. ‘I cannot skate.’
‘Oh, come now, Miss Thame,’ said George. ‘Dolph was just teasing the boys. It’s not that hard. You will enjoy it.’
‘Nevertheless, I shall take even greater enjoyment in standing on solid ground and watching the rest of you.’
‘Now, come on, Miss Thame. George is right, you know. It’s not that difficult. I’m certain you will demonstrate perfect balance. This is no time to be chicken-hearted, when your charges will both be complete beginners too.’
‘Yes! Miss Thame is going to skate too.’ Nicky jumped around, waving his arms.
Stevie tugged at her sleeve. ‘I will catch you if you fall, miss. I promise.’
She smiled warmly at him. ‘Thank you, Stevie. I will think about it, but no promises.’ She stood up and smoothed her skirts. ‘Lessons are over, boys. Would you like to go now with your papa to find your skates while I tidy up the schoolroom?’
Her eyebrows flicked as she smiled jauntily at Dolph.
There, her smile seemed to say. That is what to expect if you challenge me. You may have the boys all to yourself.
* * *
Leah awoke the next morning with dread weighting her stomach. Stevie had whispered to her, as she was tucking him in last night, that Papa had found enough skates for them all, but it was to be a secret and the boys weren’t to tell Miss Thame in case she refused to accompany them to the village. ‘But,’ Stevie had continued, ‘you will still come, won’t you, miss? We can help each other.’ And, aware he was afraid his younger brother would show him up in front of his father—for there was no doubt Nicky was more proficient in most physical activities—Leah did not have the heart to let Stevie down.
Ice skating. She had never tried it, but she had slipped and fallen on ice before, and it was hard. It hurt. And she would fall, she just knew it. She would fall and make a fool of herself. And her fear was greater than Stevie’s, for she was an adult. Nobody would turn a hair if a child fell over, but if she were to fall, it would be so undignified. She could already feel the heat of humiliation.
Unable to bear the suspense, she threw back her bedcovers and rushed to the window, tweaking the curtains apart to look at the weather outside. It was still dark, but the ice on the inside of the windowpanes told its own tale. There had been no miraculous thaw overnight.
I can refuse. He cannot force me to do it.
But Stevie’s anxious expression materialised in her mind’s eye. How could she let him down?
It had been agreed they would leave Dolphin Court at eleven, and after skating, they were all invited to the Rectory for soup and sandwiches. Lord Hinckley had arranged it all with Philippa, making Leah wonder if he could possibly be serious about her after all.
Don’t be a fool! He is an earl, for goodness’ sake... He will look much higher for a wife than a country vicar’s daughter. We don’t live between the pages of Little Goody Two-Shoes.
Surely Philippa must realise it? Leah couldn’t bear to think of her heart being broken or, even worse, that she might succumb to temptation and allow herself to be seduced by Lord Hinckley. After all, it did happen. It had happened to Mama. Leah vowed to warn her friend at the earliest opportunity.
* * *
In two hours or so it will all be over. I can cope with that.
But, despite her nerves, Leah could not quell the flutter of purely feminine satisfaction as she had gazed at her reflection in the mirror after dressing in her royal-blue velvet carriage gown, for this shade of blue had always suited her. She did not care that such thoughts were pure vanity and she thrust aside the question of whom she might be hoping to impress.
Eleven o’clock arrived all too soon. Leah donned her warm winter cloak, the blue velvet bonnet that matched her gown, a pair of fur-lined gloves, a woollen scarf and a pair of fur-lined half-boots before collecting the boys—already well-wrapped in warm clothes—from Cassie’s care. Tilly, upon realising she was not included in the outing, set up a loud wailing as Leah ushered the two excited boys out of the nursery and followed them down the stairs, her insides heavy with the grim determination to see through the ordeal if it killed her.
‘Miss Thame!’ Hinckley laughed up at her from the hall. ‘Look, Dolph! She looks for all the world as if she’s facing the gallows!’ Dolph’s expression remained indecipherable.
‘Cheer up!’ Hinckley continued. ‘You might find you enjoy skating.’
Dolph’s brow furrowed. ‘George...’ he growled.
Hinckley reddened. ‘Oops! Sorry, Dolph.’
Leah descended the final few stairs, striving to keep her expression blank, although she knew very well what they were talking about. Dolph’s frown softened as she reached them and her stomach swooped as it always did when their eyes met.
‘Well, George has let the cat out of the bag and, yes, there is a pair of skates for you too,’ he said to Leah. ‘But no one will force you to skate if you do not wish to—the option is simply there if you decide to try.’
Leah felt a hand nudge into hers. Stevie, looking up at her pleadingly.
‘I have changed my mind already.’ She firmed her grip on Stevie’s hand. ‘I will do it.’
A smile curved Dolph’s lips, his grey eyes warming, and Leah’s pulse responded with a pleasurable skip. That almost made up for the fear coursing through her entire body. Almost.
‘I promise not to let you fall, Miss Thame.’
Chapter Twelve
Half a dozen villagers were already on the pond by the time they reached the village. The carriage was sent back to Dolphin Court, with instructions to return in three hours to collect them, and the moment had arrived. Philippa glided towards them across the ice, graceful as a swan, and the solid weight of dread that had settled inside Leah stirred, churning her insides, making her feel sick. To cover her nerves, and while the two men greeted Philippa, Leah crouched down to strap on first Stevie’s and then Nicky’s skates, fixed their mufflers more securely around their necks so there were no loose ends flapping, and made sure their gloves and caps were on.
She stood up, once she was sure her nerves were under control, and greeted Philippa. The men, she noticed, were busy donning their own skates. With any luck they would forget about her, and she could watch them safely from the bank. There were a few wooden chairs set around the edge, presumably for spectators, and they looked far more enticing to Leah than the wide, glittering expanse of ice before
her.
‘You make ice skating look remarkably easy, Philippa,’ she said.
Philippa laughed gaily, her eyes sparkling. ‘It is, Leah. It is so...liberating, to travel at such speed as a result of one’s own skill and momentum.’
Before Leah could respond, a shriek split the air. Stevie! Leah had been vaguely aware of Nicky tugging his older brother towards the ice as she spoke to Philippa, and now she desperately searched the skaters on the ice, looking for Stevie, expecting to see him in a huddled heap. But no. There he was, at the far side of the pond already, and actually skating. He had a little wobble now and then but, in the main, he looked in control, and even at this distance Leah could see the huge grin on his face. The shriek had come from Nicky, just a few feet from the edge of the ice and still on this side of the pond. His legs resembled those of a newborn foal trying to stand for the first time and his arms cartwheeled as he fought to keep his balance.
‘We’ll help him,’ Hinckley said.
He grabbed Philippa’s hand and they hurried to the edge of the ice. Within seconds, they had Nicky securely between them, steadying him. Hinckley called back, ‘You help Miss Thame, Dolph. We’ll stay with Nicky until he finds his balance,’ and off they set across the ice, each holding one of Nicky’s hands.
Leah sought Stevie again and, if anything, he looked even more adept as he glided in front of Nicky, showing off. Leah couldn’t help but laugh.
‘To think Stevie was petrified of today, and now look at him.’ She glanced at Dolph, who was watching both his sons with clear pride. ‘He was afraid of making a fool of himself. Worried Nicky would outshine him, as he so often does in physical challenges.’
‘It’s a joy to see him so confident.’ Dolph turned to Leah. His eyes searched hers. ‘It is your turn. Unless you are too nervous to even try?’
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