“About what?” I looked up at him with innocent eyes, as I continued to gnaw on my nail.
He let out a low deep growl as he shook his head. “How many times do I have to tell you not to play dumb? You’re no good at it.”
I released my thumb from its torture and said, “I’m not playing this time. I really don’t know what you want me to say.”
“Okay. How about we start with, why did you leave this morning?”
“I felt icky and needed a shower,” I said.
“You could’ve showered at my house.”
“I didn’t want to.”
“Why?”
“Because, my shampoo is over here and I like my shampoo.”
Noah’s breathing became deeper and picked up speed. The muscles in his arm tensed and relaxed each time he flexed his hands. He was losing patience. “You’re a piece of work.”
His arms unwrapped from around his chest. He took one step forward, placing his palms down on the kitchen island, and leaned in my direction. He had a look in his eye that I had only seen one other time. It was the same look he gave me last night after I ran to Brad’s side. In a steady low-pitched voice, he slowly said, “Why did you run out this morning? Don’t give me any shampoo bullshit.”
I held eye contact and softly said, “I was having a hard time remembering what went on last night. I knew we needed to talk, but I needed to clear my head first,” I paused. “I don’t remember anything that happened after the tequila.”
“You don’t remember a thing after you got drunk?”
I shook my head. “No. Not a thing.”
“You don’t remember me carrying you out of the party and taking you to my house?” I shook my head. “You don’t remember me undressing you? You don’t remember my hands sliding up under your shirt, touching your back? And you don’t remember asking me if I wanted to touch you and then telling me to touch you?” I took another huge gulp of air and shook my head. “None of that rings a bell?” he asked, his voice was low and gruff.
Every nerve ending in my body exploded and he hadn’t even touched me. The hair on my arms and legs bristled. My lips slightly parted, sucking in as much oxygen as possible before I passed out. Warmth started at the top of my head and the tip of my toes, flowing over my body, and meeting smack-dab between my legs. I was feeling woozy and it wasn’t from the aftermath of the tequila.
I stood there, immobile. I couldn’t look away from him. I knew I needed to say something. He wasn’t going anywhere until I did. I couldn’t think of any words long enough to be able to string them together to form a sentence. The only word that came out of my mouth was, “No.”
“That is such bullshit and you know it!” Noah looked down, concentrating on a spot on the countertop. He blew out a big breath and growl of frustration before looking back at me. He sounded so deflated when he said, “Last night, when I saw you standing in the hall …The way you looked at me…Broke me. You looked so hurt and disappointed. I thought I’d lost you for good. I couldn’t think straight after I saw him kiss you. Then you ran to his side. I’ve never felt that out of control before. I wanted to be numb and forget, so I grabbed a lot of beer and the easiest piece of ass around, and fuck her.”
“Noah…,” I whispered. I understood him. Our actions echoed each other’s last night.
“I always tell her not to talk, so I can pretend it’s you. It’s pathetic, I know. I don’t want to pretend anymore, Tweet. I’m trying my damnedest to stay in the friend zone. It’s just hard and I thought after last night in my room…The way you were acting... I knew you had been drinking. I just thought things would be different for us now.”
“Always?” I said, the hurt evident in my voice.
He just opened himself up to me. Why did I zero in on that word? Why did I think last night was a one-time thing, a mistake? Apparently the rumors were true. The butterflies were gone, replaced by a huge boulder sitting in the pit of my stomach.
“A few times,” he whispered, lowering his gaze.
“Was she your first?”
Tears I had been holding back started to seep out and fall. My mind was whirling. I hated that she had been his first. I hated that he had shared that part of himself with anyone, besides me. We would have been each other’s first and he would be with me, if I didn’t keep pushing him away. My head was so screwed up that Freud would have thrown his hands up and retired.
Noah looked up at me through his long dark eyelashes. He didn’t need to say anything. My eyes started stinging from the tears. I felt exhausted and drained.
I didn’t look at him when I said, “I’m sorry I can’t be with you like that.” I choked back a sob that was trying to escape.
Looking back up I was met with piercing light blue eyes. Noah pushed off the counter and rounded the kitchen island, headed directly towards me. He was in front of me in two strides. Cupping one side of my face in his hand, he tilted my head back, forcing me to look straight into his eyes. His warm breath swept across my lips sending a shiver through my body. His nose skimmed across my cheek up to my temple as he whispered, “Stop pushing me away.”
His lips started moving across my skin again, traveling down my cheek, over my jaw, landing on my neck.
I closed my eyes and let the sensations of his touch wash over me. It would be so easy to get lost in him, but I couldn’t.
“Noah, you promised you’d stay in the zone,” I whispered as he continued to nuzzle my neck.
“That was before last night.”
As his lips made their way down and across my naked shoulder, I tightened my face, swallowed hard, and pulled away from him. His hands dropped and landed on his hips. His head was down.
“I can’t do this with you. Don’t you understand that? Please Noah, stop pushing me.” You could hear the plea in my voice.
He straightened up, turned, and walked out the door, not saying another word or looking back at me.
It took me all afternoon to recover from the events of last night and this morning. After taking a nice long nap, eating a little something, and getting dressed I started feeling like my old average self again. I needed to talk with Noah. I needed to get us back on the friendship track. I had just gotten him back. I wasn’t willing to give him up again.
I knocked on the Stewart’s back door instead of just walking in as I usually did. I stood beside the door, so when he opened it the only thing he saw was my hand holding a plate with a big piece of chocolate cake on it. I could feel the smile he had across his face.
Grabbing the cake, he said, “Thanks. I wanted something sweet.” Then he shut the door. He was playing with me, which was a good sign.
As I entered the house, I saw Noah was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, eating cake. I walked towards him. He looked at me, with a mouthful of cake, and asked, “Did you want some?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Not if it’s going to make you cry.”
He held the fork out to me. Grabbing it, I plunged into the side of the cake that had the most frosting. Noah always left me that part because he knew how much I loved frosting. I handed the fork back to him and lifted myself up to sit on the counter next to where he was leaning. We continued to pass the fork between us until the cake was gone. Noah sat the empty plate behind him on the counter.
He dragged his hands up his face and through his hair. He blew out a breath, then asked, “What are we going to do, Tweet?”
“I need you in my life.”
“I need you in mine, too.”
“Be my friend,” I said.
“Always.”
I knew it was up to me to fix this. If we were going to remain in each other’s lives, I had to be honest with him.
Clearing my throat, I struggled to find the right words. “Noah, next to my dad, you are the finest man I know. I can’t bear the thought of you not being in my life.”
“Tweet...”
He started to turn to face me, but I stopped him. This was going to be hard enough n
ot looking at him. He shifted back in place against the counter, looking down. I heard him sigh deeply.
“You deserve better than me. If we were together, eventually I would screw it up. Then I wouldn’t have you, any part of you.” I felt tears forming and my throat tightening up. “I’m scared to death of losing you. Those four months that we were apart was the loneliest time of my life.”
Noah had crossed his arms over his chest. I could see the muscles in his arms tense up. I had to get this all out. I had to make him understand.
“I’m surprised I haven’t screwed our friendship up yet. Of course, I might be doing that now. I just want the best for you and I’m not the best. I wish I were. You have no idea how I wish I could let you pull me across that line, but there’s something that’s got such a hold on me and I don’t know how to let it go. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just the way I am. I’ve tried to think better of myself, I really have. Please stay my friend. Things are safer if we keep our relationship as friends. You’re the only one I have and the only one I need. We have to move past this.”
His voice was shaky and deep in his throat. “I don’t know how or where you ever got it in your head that you’re not good enough. You’re beautiful, smart, funny, and kind. You’re perfect for me and always have been. I wish you believed it.”
“Me, too,” I whispered.
He tried to make his voice steady and strong before he asked, “What does Brad mean to you?”
“Nothing.” My answer came out quick. “He asked me to the party and we had fun, until you punched him in the stomach, of course.”
Both of us chuckled, breaking the solemn atmosphere a little.
Noah turned to me. The look of concern and sadness on his face overwhelmed me. “He’s not close to being good enough for you.” He raised one hand to my face and cupped my jaw, running his thumb across my cheek. “If he does anything to hurt you, I swear to god, I’ll kill him.”
“Thank you for caring about me,” I said quietly.
Noah and I leaned forward slightly, resting our foreheads against each other.
“I don’t just care about you, Tweet.”
A sob escaped me as the tears trickled down my face. I wrapped my arms around Noah’s neck as his arms made their way around my waist. We held on to each other, neither of us making any attempt to pull away. We both knew once we let go things would change. It would no longer be just the two of us. Life was going to start taking us in different directions, bringing with it new experiences, challenges, and people. While we continued to hold each other, I silently prayed that maybe one day I would be good enough, that I would find my way back into his arms and they would still be empty and waiting for me to fill them perfectly.
A person should always listen to what their gut tells them. You may not have any substantial reasons why you feel a certain way about something or someone, but that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that causes you to hesitate has a purpose. Unfortunately, we tend to think either with our heads or our hearts, and simply ignore our gut. Ignore it one too many times and you end up paying the consequences.
Several months had passed since Noah and I had our talk about staying in the friend zone. We had managed to keep the friendship intact for the most part. We both made sure we had our time together, even though it was limited with our senior year coming to an end and getting ready for college.
He had met and started dating Brooke. They’d been together for about two months. She was tall, pretty, lean, with blonde hair, and blue eyes. She was also smart and seemingly understanding about Noah’s relationship with me. She didn’t act threatened or jealous in any way. This kind of pissed me off, though. I interpreted it as an underhanded way of communicating to me and the world that she knew I wasn’t good enough for Noah. It wasn’t that I disliked her. I just had a weird feeling that I couldn’t identify. I was suspicious that Brooke wasn’t as shiny and bright on the inside as she appeared on the outside.
Fortunately, I didn’t come in contact very often with Brooke. She didn’t go to our school. She was the cousin of one of Noah’s teammates. They had met after one of the games. She had quickly glommed on to Noah. After he and I went back into the friend zone, he obviously felt a need to move on, and he moved on with Brooke. It killed me to see them together. Brooke apparently had some sort of disorder which prevented her from standing on her own whenever she was around Noah. Every time I saw them together, she was hanging off of him. Noah never flaunted his relationship with Brooke in my face. He didn’t talk to me about her very much.
Brad and I continued to hang out. Technically, we weren’t dating, but I have fond feelings for him. You can’t spend as much time as we did together, doing the things we did together, and not develop some affection for the other person. He was simply a distraction, though, an extremely hot distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. He was fun and helped me get my mind off of Noah and Brooke, kind of. Even though I cared a lot for him, I knew I would never feel for Brad what I felt for Noah. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way about another guy.
Brad and I were at his house one afternoon studying. He never talked much about his family, but I always got the impression that he was pretty much on his own. He and his mom were the only two living in this huge house. His parents had gotten a divorce when he was 10 years old and his older brother, Peyton, was off attending law school.
Brad’s parents were both lawyers. The few times I had been over at his house, his mom was never there. There always seemed to be a big case she was working on. It appeared his dad was the same way. There were several times when Brad called me to hang out on the weekend because plans with his dad had suddenly been canceled. I got the feeling neither of his parents were interested in giving him any of their time.
I tried to talk to him about serious subjects a few times, but he always made a joke of it and changed the topic. Our relationship was fun and breezy, nothing serious.
We had been studying for about an hour when Brad leaned over to me on the sofa and started nuzzling my neck, trailing soft kisses up and down. It made me shudder.
Against my neck he said, “I’ve exercised my brain enough today. It’s time to exercise the rest of me.”
He pulled the book I had resting on my lap away and tossed it on the coffee table. My eyes closed as I tilted my head to the side. Even though Brad and I didn’t have a very deep relationship, my body always responded to his touch.
Breathlessly I said, “We really should be studying. We have that big exam we need to get ready for.”
Grabbing my waist he pulled me over on to his lap. “I got something big you need to get ready for.”
I burst out laughing as he showered my neck with quick little bites as his arm snaked around my waist.
“You have got to be the cheesiest high school senior ever.” Removing his lips from my neck, he looked at me with a suggestive smirk. Leaning in, he nipped at my bottom lip between each clipped sentence. “Admit it. You crave it. Ache for it. Lust after it. Have a thirst for it that can’t be quenched.”
“Alright, already, I do find you charming, but only a smidge,” I said, my laughter dying down as a warm sensation took over my body.
Sapphire eyes pierced mine, holding a different more intense look. Brad’s gaze went from my eyes to my lips, and then back. The air in the room shifted. Passion and desire emanated from him.
Sliding his hand behind my neck, he pulled me to him. Our lips touched and slowly began moving against each other. His tongue thrust into my mouth and caressed mine. I got lost in the all-consuming feeling of his movements.
Suddenly, the front door flew open and Brad’s mom came barreling through the room.
Mrs. Johnson was a striking looking woman with the same dirty-blond hair and piercing sapphire eyes as Brad. I had only been around her briefly a few times, but she had this incredible presence that demanded you pay attention when she entered a room.
I quickly scooted off of Brad’s lap, sm
oothed my hair, and adjusted my clothes before his mom had a chance to figure out what we were doing.
Brad looked annoyed. He ran his hand through his hair. “Mom, what are you doing here?”
Never looking up, she sorted through the mail while talking a mile a minute. “I was bombarded with calls at the office. I have a huge case coming up and couldn’t get anything done with the constant interruptions. You two go ahead and finish whatever you were doing. I’m going to lock myself in my office.”
Tossing the mail on the small entryway table, she started walking away, throwing her words over her shoulder. “Bradley, remember I’m not to be disturbed for any reason. Pretend I’m not here,” she said as she exited the room.
“That’ll be easy,” Brad muttered.
He stood, extending his hand to me. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?” I asked.
“My room,” he said as he flashed his megawatt smile. “I want to be alone with you.”
I was a little hesitant because of how intense things seemed to get earlier. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Brad. I didn’t trust myself. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about having sex with him. Plus, he had a way of getting me to do things I didn’t normally do. I had done more physically with him than anyone else. He made me smile and laugh a lot. He was always sweet to me and I loved making out with him. I had a strange uneasy feeling in my gut because his mom was here.
Brad held my hand, pulling me behind him as we climbed the stairs. When we got to his room he opened the door and stepped aside to allow me to enter first. It was a typical high school baseball player’s room. Trophies lined a big bookshelf and baseball pendants lined the wall. On his desk sat his laptop. He had a huge TV, a dresser, and bed.
Present Perfect Page 16
