From Aberystwyth with Love

by Malcolm Pryce

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘The Anti-Bearded-Lady League.’

  I blinked. It seemed like an appropriate reaction.

  ‘A lot of the champs on the Pro-Bearded-Lady circuit from the forties and fifties used to come from the area around Abercuawg,’ Calamity explained. ‘Mrs Mochdre used to campaign against it on grounds of idolatry or something. I thought we could talk to a few.’

  ‘A few what?’

  ‘Bearded ladies, get them to dish the dirt – there can’t be much love lost between them and Mrs Mochdre.’

  I looked at her through narrowed eyes. Calamity inspires a curious mix of emotions in me: pride and a desperate desire to protect her from the bad things in this world; I want to stop her from even knowing about them, even though she probably already does. Maybe this is how fathers feel all the time. Is this how Eeyore feels when he sees me?

  There are certain subjects we never discuss. Her father is one. He does not live in Aberystwyth; according to her mother he lives at the racetrack, but no fixed racetrack, in England, or sometimes the Republic of Ireland. The other subject is boyfriends. I do not think Calamity has a boyfriend, and her behaviour and dress do not betray any interest in that direction. I know how painful it would be for her if I mentioned it, with that clumsy well-meaning insensitivity of adults who have forgotten the grief of their own youth.

  She wears jeans and T-shirts and arranges her hair in an untidy spiky pile that is somehow arranged in its lack of arrangement. She is not a tomboy but she has a slight fear of girly things. On occasion I have seen her wearing eyeshadow but so little the lack of confidence shone through.

  Calamity tilted her head to one side to express mild puzzlement at the reverie that had caused me to be silent.

  ‘Talking to former bearded ladies seems like a . . . a . . . a very left-of-field way to begin a case,’ I said.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Calamity. She paused and said with a casual air that was slightly forced, ‘I thought we could use it as an example of superseding the paradigm.’

  ‘That sounds like a good idea.’

  ‘I think so too.’

  ‘What does it mean?’

  Calamity pulled a piece of paper from her back pocket, and unfolded it. ‘I saw it in this month’s Gumshoe magazine. It’s called “The Existentialist Detective and Non-Linear Cognition”. It’s all about superseding the paradigm.’

  ‘We’ve managed well enough without superseding it so far but I’m always open to new ideas.’

  Calamity began to read. ‘Traditional detective methods which rely on deductive reasoning are premised on the belief that life makes sense. This is a mistake. Normally, life only makes sense in novels and movies where events are shaped by the hand of a creative artist. In the real world events are born of contingency and are frequently shaped by the hands of people who are often clinically insane. Thus, because no rational process can be discerned behind the events of life, deductive reasoning is not best suited for unravelling its mysteries. In the past one means of countering this problem was the frequent use of the policeman’s hunch which proceeds by non-linear and counter-intuitive methods and aims to break the straitjacket of conventional thinking. Deployed successfully the hunch often re-arranges the pieces of the jigsaw in such a way that old paradigms are superseded. Though a reliable method of unravelling stubborn mysteries, the hunch suffers from the drawback that it occurs but rarely and, crucially, is not subject to conscious control. The advanced detective seeks to summon up the paradigm-busting thinking that hallmarks the hunch by deliberately entertaining hypotheses that are absurd.’ She put the article down and looked across.

  Before I could think of something to say, the phone rang. Calamity answered. She wrote something down, thanked the caller and hung up. ‘That was Mooncalf. He’s arranged for us to spend tomorrow morning with Meici Jones the spinning-wheel salesman. This is his address.’

  ‘Did we ask him to arrange that?’

  ‘I don’t think we told him not to.’

  That night the sky over the beach at Ynyslas had the translucence of a cathedral window on a moonlit night. I opened the door of my caravan to air the inside and went to sit on the brow of the dune behind. For the first time in days, the night was cool. The heat had gone with the setting of the sun, and a soft breeze wafted in off the sea and raised goosebumps on grateful flesh. The beach was dark, the tide far out, you sensed it rather than saw it. On the horizon there was a thin band of lighter blue, the same shade as the neon letters on the ‘Eats’ signs that flash above so many diners down this coast. I lay back on the sand, felt the rasp under my hair, the sharp ends of the marram grass spiking my cheek. I kicked my shoes and socks off and buried my toes in sand that was still hot. In the morning the same sand would feel as cold as bathroom linoleum on a winter’s morn. There was no sound, not even the customary susurration of the sea, it was leaden, unmoving; the sand grains stopped tumbling and hissing like snares on drums; not even a dog dared to bark.

  The noise of a van pulling up disturbed the silence. A door slid open, followed by the crunch of a man jumping down on to gravel. I sat up and looked over. He was outside my caravan, knocking on the door. He was wearing a light summer macintosh and a panama hat with the brim pulled down low over his eyes; it didn’t look like the postman. In this twilight he could have walked up to the caravan carrying a bloodstained chainsaw and no one would have batted an eye, but the hat brim pulled down was like a big advertising hoarding announcing nefarious intent. I could hear a thousand net curtains rustle, hear the quiet melancholy of eyes staring out in the night at a stranger. I climbed to my feet and wandered down the face of the dune, annoyed at the intrusion. He climbed the caravan steps and peeked inside.

  ‘If you’re selling encyclopaedias you’re wasting your time, the guy in there already knows everything.’

  He turned to face me. ‘Looks to me like he needs a brush salesman.’ He stepped down off the step. ‘Or maybe I’m not here to sell anything, maybe I came to set a cross up outside his caravan and set it alight.’

  ‘That would certainly get his attention. Tell me what you want to tell him and I’ll see he gets the message.’

  ‘They told me you were an entertainer, but I’m not in the mood, I’ve got a bad stomach, so maybe you’d like to get in the van.’

  ‘Where is the van going?’

  ‘To see some of Mr Mooncalf’s friends.’

  ‘Stamp collectors, huh? That explains why they sent a tough guy.’

  ‘Don’t waste your time trying to pump me. I’m just here to take you. You need to put this on.’

  He handed me a blindfold.

  ‘Is it all right if I get in the van first?’

  ‘That would be the smart way to do it, but no one’s insisting.’

  I climbed in and put on the blindfold. The driver checked to make sure it was placed properly, started up the engine and drove off.

  All things have their polar opposites: hot, cold; day, night; love, hate; the Roman Catholic mass is sometimes refracted through a dark lens of wickedness into the black magic rite, the cross inverted and the ritual debased. So it is with stamp collecting. Generations of schoolboys sifting through the little squares of coloured paper have given this pastime a reputation for dullness. The snuff philatelist however is a different beast. He lives in the shadows and meets under the arch of the railway bridge, out of the penumbra of the streetlamp, his collar raised to the level of his eyes, the brim of his hat pulled down low. His trade is one that must hide its face from the light of day. He delights in murder and mayhem, but only at the arm’s length of correspondence that passed through the hands of the crook. Letters that are decorated with the fingerprints of the criminally insane, letters postmarked Sing Sing or San Quentin, Holloway or, better still, because insanity adds an extra frisson of terror, Broadmoor. He takes the necromancer’s delight in the bizarre, perverse and crepuscular ravings of man, in the freak shows that are played out after hours in the hinterl
ands of the human heart. The snuff philatelist is not concerned about the lives of the various heads of state, the profiles of Victoria or George, but lives only for the tongue of the serial killer who licked the back of the stamp, or failing that the tongue of his mum or someone who knew him. Except when writing deliberately badly spelled letters to the press to taunt the cops for their lack of success the serial killer seldom writes letters. And this makes his stamps all the more rare. For the collector, the thought that within those molecules of glue on the stamp’s back can be found the saliva and DNA of a monster, who once made the front page and caused a whole town to avoid the streets at night, makes his viscera quiver with pleasure.

  I listened intently. When we reached the main Borth Road we turned right and continued for about two minutes and then left the road and drove on to a car park of rough stones from the beach. We drove around this a bit, doing some reversing and three-point turns, clearly intended to disorientate me, but when we returned to the main road we turned left so we were going back the way we came. We kept to the main road and omitted the turning to the caravan park, not long after that we went over the railway tracks. A couple of minutes after that, I got lost.

  A while later, we drove over a cattle grid and then the world became muffled and my nostrils filled with the smoky, woody smell of old forest and dry pine-needles. We stopped and the driver helped me climb out. We began to walk through the forest, somewhere to my left a stream babbled. We walked for a while and then emerged into a clearing, the smell of pine needles was replaced by cooking smells and woodsmoke. A dog barked and a voice cried out, ‘Gelert! Here boy!’ The sounds took on a modulated quality that suggested there was a body of water nearby. There was also the crackle of fire burning bone-dry twigs and a wooden pole stirring a heavy metal receptacle that my heightened sensitivity and general knowledge of the vicinity led me to imagine was a cauldron. A girl’s voice sang a soft melody on the scented breeze of the summer night.

  Liver of blaspheming Jew,

  Gall of goat, and slips of yew

  Sliver’d in the moon’s eclipse,

  Nose of Turk, and Tartar’s lips . . .

  I was taken into a cottage or barn, a low lintel at the entrance was kindly pointed out. I walked down a corridor of stone flags, under another low doorway, and was ushered on to a wooden chair with a wide back. A man spoke to me.

  ‘This is the last time we will ever talk so listen carefully. Firstly I apologise for the theatrics necessary to bring you here but, as a dealer in our hidden world, you will no doubt understand. All further communication between us will take place via Mr Mooncalf who will deny at all times that the merchandise of which we talk even exists. He will tell you that you are bonkers but you must not be dismayed by this essential security measure. In a minute your blindfold will be removed and you will be left alone for ten minutes to examine the stamps. We have a First Day cover celebrating the formation of the SAVAK, the Iranian secret police, circa 1957; a letter addressed to 39 Hilldrop Crescent, Holloway, London, the house where the notorious Dr Crippen murdered his wife, although the letter post-dates this incident; a letter from a soldier at Maindiff Court Military Hospital in Abergavenny, written at the same time that Rudolf Hess was an inmate there. We also have a ransom note from the kidnappers of a German businessman in Kinshasa in 1978. And the envelope and tape that was sent to Mrs Walters. You have ten minutes, no more. After your ten minutes you will be taken back to the main road at Tre’r-ddôl, after which you may make an offer through the office of Mr Mooncalf if you so wish.’

  The blindfold was pulled off, the door slammed, I was alone at a kitchen table with some old letters spread out in front of me. Next to them was a cigar box in which they had been stored. The room was small with a low ceiling in which wooden beams could be seen. A cold empty fireplace yawned in one wall, and next to it was a traditional oak dresser. It was set with plates and cups and some tins of paint and glue stood on it with brushes soaking in turpentine, giving off a strong odour. Next to that was a spinning wheel. At the time it was just a wheel, but a week later and I could have told you it was a Semi-Saxon horizontal, sheathed bobbin, slip-backed flyer with five-speed twin treadle array – basically a souped-up ‘Cinderella’; you could cover a lot of yarn on a job like that. The owner of the house was a pro. I turned my attention to the letters.

  The envelope was postmarked Aberaeron and contained a small spool of tape and a typewritten letter from a spiritualist who explained that she was familiar with the story from the newspapers and had made the recording at a recent sitting. There was no name and no signature. On impulse, I held the letter up to my nose. Despite the passage of time it still held a scent, that was the remarkable thing about paper, you can leave it lying in the back of the cupboard drawer for years and when you take it out it retains a trace of scent, sometimes enough to ambush the heart with the memory of a long-lost love. I sniffed again and my heart quivered, my head filled with a dizzy sensation of long ago. What it was I didn’t know, but I knew that I had smelled it before. The sound of footsteps outside made me realise time was short. It was too risky to steal the tape now, I needed to come back, and to do that I needed to know where I was. There were more footsteps outside, voices, whispered conversation. I looked at the spinning wheel and wondered. Tomorrow morning I had been booked for a day on the road with the spinning-wheel salesman. Maybe if I just . . . more footsteps. I walked across to the spinning wheel, picked up the brush from the glue pot and smeared it on the axle of the flywheel. I sat down again. The man came in and put my blindfold back on. I heard the cigar box snap shut. The man walked over to the dresser on my right, I heard a door being opened, a drawer opened and shut. Then we left. Behind me, the resin slowly thickened and turned to stone, fusing two pieces of wood. All I had to do was ask Meici Jones about reports of jammed wheels on his patch. Piece of cake. It was my first act of spinning-wheel sabotage.

  Chapter 4

  Meici Jones stood with his hands on his hips and complained about death taking away his customers. ‘It’s a dying business, all right. The young ones aren’t interested in spinning, and the rest get fewer each year. The number of funerals I attend! You wouldn’t believe, sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. It costs me more in dry-cleaning getting me togs ready than I ever get out of the will when it’s read.’ He shook his head in disgust. ‘It’s not like the old days. What did you say your name was again?’

  ‘Louie, and this is Calamity, my niece.’

  Meici Jones sized us up, and nodded. ‘Mooncalf’s a good guy.’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘one of the best.’

  ‘I do a lot of business through him, a lot.’ He tapped the side of his nose. ‘The sort of business that if you asked about it I’d have to say was none of your business, if you see what I mean.’ He was short, in his thirties, with the melancholy eyes of a spaniel. ‘I was quite surprised when he said you and your niece wanted to learn. Not many people do these days. You hoping for some action on the bequests and legacies stuff, are you? You’re wasting your time if you are.’

  ‘No, it’s for the coming apocalypse.’

  ‘What’s that then?’

  ‘You know, end of the world, nuclear Armageddon. Civilisation will be destroyed, it will be back to the hoe and plough, armed marauding gangs infesting the radioactive countryside, a man will need to survive by his own wits. Spinning will be an essential.’

  ‘I hadn’t thought of that.’ He stood back and surveyed the scene. His Cavalier estate was parked outside our office in Stryd-y-Popty, the boot raised. Sample cases and bits of wood and rubber were strewn around the boot. ‘Let’s see what we have here, then. Good salesman always runs through the checklist.’ He pulled a sample case forward and opened up the lid with two snaps of the fasteners. Bits of spinning wheel, cut into sections, lay embedded on green velour in form-fitted depressions. The high-gloss finish flashed in the sun like a welder’s torch. ‘This is what the guy in The Day of the Jackal used to keep his sni
per rifle in,’ he said. ‘The ladies love it when I tell them that. That’s what it’s all about, you see, the old black magic; know what I mean?’ He picked up a quadrant of wheel rim cut from deeply polished mahogany. ‘Look at that, quality that is. Last a lifetime it will, not that we want it to, of course, but you can always go back and bugger the thing up every now and again, can’t you? You’re in luck, as it happens, Mrs Eglwys Fach was on the phone, her wheel’s jammed up. Might be able to get her to take a new one.’ He banged the side of my head with the piece of spinning wheel. ‘Feel that? This is from Marmaduke & Sons. Best there is. Marmaduke Semi-Saxon horizontal, sheathed bobbin, slip-backed flyer with five-speed twin treadle complete with Teflon-coated dérailleur gear change by Shimano of Japan.’

  He closed the case and ran his hand across the various items in the boot, talking to himself as he mentally ticked them off. ‘Gasket, polish, order book, resin, spare treadle, distaff balance, counterweights . . .’ His hand came to rest on two stovepipe hats. ‘Not forgetting the most important thing of all . . .’ He turned round and said with a wink, ‘Couple of stoveys for the ladies!’

  We drove up Penglais Hill, windows wound right down, squinting at the bright asphalt that rose ahead of us. Meici had a Tupperware sandwich box balanced on his knee, and took periodic bites from a bacon sandwich that dripped fat on to the steering wheel.

  ‘My mam makes them extra greasy,’ said Meici. ‘I told her I like them like that but I don’t really. I’ll cop it if she ever finds out the truth. She says every time I tell a lie an angel marks it down in a book. Does your mum say that?’

  ‘My mum died when I was little.’

  ‘Oh. Who do you live with then?’

  ‘Nobody.’

  Meici looked across at me as if to check whether I was being serious. ‘Really? Where?’