Charles’s jaw dropped open. Dane’s pink face matched Charles’s, and he stepped back as if she’d pushed him.
“Tess.” Pierce spoke softly. “Honey. Calm down. This isn’t an ambush. Yes, we were out of line just now. We’ve just been really worried about you. We thought we’d come here, surprise you, visit with you for a day or two . . . We didn’t expect to walk in to find you and Logan like that. It was a shock, that’s all.”
“No. She’s right,” Charles said, still red-faced, his voice clipped as he looked Tess in the eye. “Logan was too. We’re fucking hypocrites. I hate that. But we were just . . . really surprised. Can we start over here?”
Dane stared at her. She recognized that look . . . He was deeply upset. He could never stand for her to be mad at him. Not when they were kids, or teens, or young adults, and apparently still not now. He said nothing, just stared at her with rounded eyes and flushed cheeks. She could never stay mad when he looked that way, like a lost little boy . . . It made her temper simmer down.
The sound of the front door opening and closing made her shudder. Logan . . . God, the look on his face. After a night like last night, why’d this have to happen? He’d come to her for her comfort, she’d tried to give him what he’d needed, and then to have to leave like this . . . Damn, what horrible timing.
She huffed out a sigh. “I’m going to tell you all what’s going on,” she finally said. “I haven’t told anyone. But I’ll tell you. And you’ll listen until I’m done talking, and you won’t give me an ounce of grief, or I’ll lose my shit like you’ve never seen. Okay?”
“Okay,” Pierce said. He glanced toward the refrigerator. “Can I get a snack first?”
She breathed out a weary laugh, her tense shoulders relaxing some. “Go for it.”
As Pierce went to the fridge, she went to Dane and hugged him. He immediately hugged her back. “I’m sorry,” he said against her hair.
“Me too,” she said. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
“We deserved it.” He rubbed her back. “If someone came bursting into my kitchen, unexpectedly breaking up a happy morning after, I’d be pissed off too.” He pulled back to look down at her. “Sooo . . . Logan Carter? Really?”
“The guy’s like a mountain,” Pierce said as he opened a bottle of water. “His muscles have muscles. At least you found a guy tall enough for you.” He leaned a hip against the center island and winked.
“Just didn’t think he was your type,” Dane said.
“Good for you,” Pierce said. “Why not?”
She rolled her eyes and said, “It’s not what you guys think.”
“He’s a good man, from what I know of him.” Charles went to the cupboard to pull out a mug. “I was rude. I’m not proud of it. I’ll find him and apologize, today. I’ll make it right.” He crossed to the Keurig. “Coffee, anyone?”
“I’m going to get dressed,” Tess said. “Meet you all in the living room.” She left the kitchen, heart still beating fast, mind spinning out. She hoped Logan wasn’t too upset. Or that her brothers wouldn’t be when she told them what’d been going on.
* * *
Logan glanced at the phone as it rang yet again. All three of the Harrison brothers had tried to call over the course of the day, leaving apologetic voice mails that sounded sincere. He was sure they were; the Harrison brothers were decent men, and he did appreciate their attempts at a cease-fire. But the run-in had only served to undermine his growing restless agitation. He wasn’t part of Tess’s world. He wasn’t even her boyfriend or her real lover. He was her fake boyfriend, her friend, and her damn sperm donor. That was it, and he’d be way better off to remember that.
He’d gone to the gym straight from Tess’s house that morning, needing to get out some aggression on the punching bag and the treadmill. A hot shower after that, then he went to work. He’d been too busy to answer calls or texts. And there had been several texts from Tess, trying to reach him throughout the day. He’d ignored them.
By after dinner, her new text lanced his heart and made him feel guilty as hell. Please talk to me. I’m concerned about you. I care. Don’t shut me out. Please.
He sighed. This was a mess. This whole thing was a mess, and his mother was dying. But Tess . . . She deserved better than what he was giving her at the moment. Lying on his couch in the darkened living room, with only the flickering light from the TV, he muted the volume of the hockey game and called her.
“Hi. At last, there you are.” Her voice was filled with relief, obviously glad to hear from him. It made him feel even worse for not getting back to her sooner. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he said. He stretched out his long legs and crossed them at the ankles. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Got a few minutes to talk?” she asked.
“Absolutely.”
She told him everything. How at first she’d yelled at her brothers, then sat them down and told them about her plans and how Logan fit into them. Her brothers had taken it all in stride. They weren’t opposed to the idea like she’d thought they might be, and of course had a million questions, which she’d answered. Then they’d offered her unconditional support—both now, during the process, and later, when she was raising her baby on her own. She felt awful for ever doubting them, in the face of their warmth and unity. All in all, it had gone well, and the four of them were fine.
“I’m really glad for you,” Logan said. “Really. That’s great. You’ll need their support in the future.”
“Yes, I will. But there’s another thing . . .” Tess sighed. “They all tried to call you to apologize. They all said you hadn’t responded at all. Would you please consider it?”
“You mean I’m not fired?” He tried to keep the edge off his voice, but failed.
“Of course not,” she murmured. “Logan . . . they were so out of line, I was furious. But they’re protective of me and always have been. Too protective at times. It doesn’t excuse their behavior this morning. I’m just trying to explain it, not justify it.”
“Tess.” Logan sighed. “I get all that. I do. But the reality is, I’m not a part of your world. Never will be. This morning was . . . well, a good reminder.”
She was quiet for a long time.
“I’m not saying that to hurt you,” he said gently, his own stomach twisting. “But I am just the house manager. And your sperm donor, not your lover. So . . . maybe it was just a good reminder for both of us.”
“I thought you were also my friend,” she said dejectedly.
He winced. “I am. That’s also true, Tess, don’t doubt that.”
“I thought we’d gotten past this a while ago,” she finally said. “When we got to really know each other and became friends. The money thing, the different worlds thing . . . I guess I was wrong. I hate that I was wrong.”
“You weren’t wrong. It’s just . . .” His stomach churned now.
“They really got to you today,” she murmured. “How sad.”
His eyes squeezed shut. “It wasn’t just them,” he said raggedly. “It’s . . . everything right now. Too much going on. My mom . . . Tess, my head’s a little messed up. That’s on me.”
“I’m here for you,” she said. “You know that, right?”
“I know. Thank you.” His jaw clenched. He needed to keep her at arm’s length. He couldn’t want or need her the way he had last night. He couldn’t let himself give in again to how amazing it’d felt to be cared for that way. It would only lead to disaster.
She was quiet again, then ventured, “How’s your mom doing today?”
“Same. Drained, not eating. Waiting to die. It’s wonderful.”
“Logan.”
“I don’t know what to say. How to sugarcoat that.”
“You don’t have to sugarcoat anything with me,” Tess said. “Ever. Don’t you know that too?”
His heart went wobbly. “Yeah. I do. Look, I’m sorry. I’m feeling too raw right now. I think I just need to be alone f
or a while. Process all this.”
“I understand,” she said, gentle, not pushing or demanding or needy.
He was the needy one. She had no idea.
“It’s the no-sex weeks of your cycle anyway,” he pointed out. “I mean, we broke that rule last night, but—”
“You needed me,” she said softly. “That was about comfort and friendship. Pure and simple. So we sent the rules to hell for one time. No worries.”
God, he loved her. He loved her so much. She was tearing him apart. The more supportive and caring she was, the more it cut off his air. He swallowed hard, his heart rate rising.
“So. Changing the subject. My brothers are staying for another two days,” she said. “The three of them are going skiing tomorrow. I’m so jealous. I can’t go, in case I’m pregnant and don’t know it yet, blah blah blah. You know the drill.”
He grunted in response, unable to speak. Emotion had his throat closed up.
“So . . . I guess it’s a good time to give you the space you need,” she said. “I’ll talk to you after they’ve gone. How’s that?”
“That works,” he said. The light from the TV flickered, suddenly annoying him. He reached for the remote and turned it off. Darkness settled over him, and it was like a salve. “Enjoy their visit.”
“Logan.” Her voice was soft, tentative. “I feel like you’re . . . you’re not okay, and that’s not okay with me,” she said.
“I’ll be okay,” he said, even though he felt bone weary as he said it. “Just need to be alone for a bit. It’s my way.”
“All right. But if you change your mind, text or call me, all right?”
“Yeah. Talk to you soon.”
She hesitated. He could feel the desperation across the line, she wanted to help him somehow . . . and he wasn’t giving her an inch. She finally sighed. “Be good to yourself, honey. Talk to you soon.” And she ended the call.
He lay in the dark for a long time, trying to make sense of the chaos in his head and heart. There wasn’t any way, really. He just had to deal with what life had dealt.
He thought of his mother . . . his childhood with her, how she’d basically rescued him as a young adult, and her recent years of battling cancer. She’d been the one constant in his life, his rock. He thought himself to be a strong, self-sufficient man, but the thought of losing her had him down on his knees.
He thought of New Orleans . . . of Rachel, of school, of his time in the homeless shelters, of the kind, sad people he’d come across in his work, of the horrors of Katrina. His years there had so altered and shaped him and his life . . . he’d tried to be his best self, and ended up his worst self. Fighting for his soul, for his life. He’d had to leave it all behind in order to survive.
And he had. He thought of his return to Aspen, his quiet life here, how he’d modeled it into a safe existence. And it had been. He’d been doing fine. Or, he’d thought he was, not realizing he’d been mostly going through the motions. Until Tess, and their deal, had infused his life with color, music, and light.
He thought of Tess . . . of her warmth, beauty, and kindness, of how her body felt aligned with his, of the baby he was trying to give her. He wanted that for her.
But when he gave her that gift, when she had it, she would leave. And his mother was dying. And in the past, other people he’d cared about had died under his watch. He had no control over any of it, over anything.
He thought he’d gotten to a place of acceptance with that. It had taken years of hard work, but he truly had. Now, he felt like he’d been thrown back into the raging sea with barely a life jacket to keep him afloat as the waves kept knocking him around.
Tess was a lifeline. She sure had been last night, when he’d felt like he was drowning. It was an illusion. Because he’d fallen in love with her, and that . . . wasn’t going to work out, even if he wanted it to.
He knew she cared about him. He could feel it in every fiber of her being last night. But would she want him as anything beyond a friend? As a real partner, a lover? No. She’d made that very clear from the start. She wanted a baby, but not a husband. She wanted autonomy. He couldn’t change the rules now, she wouldn’t want that. And did he really want to change the rules? Living on his own was more than a code, it was his survival tactic. He couldn’t bear to risk putting himself out there and losing anyone again. What if the next time, he couldn’t get himself up off the ground again? His mom had saved him last time . . . She wouldn’t be around if it happened again, and right now he wasn’t sure if he had it in him to get back up on his own if his heart got shredded.
So he had to accept that this was how it was going to play out: Tess would be alone in New York, he’d be alone in Aspen. She’d have her baby. He’d have memories. She’d come to Aspen once in a while, they’d see each other, it’d be awkward . . . Fuck, he loved her. How could he ever settle for a glimpse of her a few days a year for the rest of their lives? Maybe he’d have to quit working for the Harrisons once she had her baby. It might be too much for him to see her after all.
He sighed deeply. He’d built his life in such a way that he’d have to experience as little loss as possible. Now it loomed like a tsunami, threatening to take him under.
The thought of losing his mother was devastating. There were no words for that. He couldn’t begin to fathom how hard that would hit. But add to that the thought of living his life after that without Tess . . . It made him ache so hard, it hurt.
Soon the two most important people in his life would both be gone—one by the cruelty of illness, and one by planned choice. He’d have plenty of time to miss them as he spent his days alone. For a decade now, he’d wanted nothing more than to be alone, hadn’t he? Careful what you wish for, he lamented ruefully. There was nothing he could do about his mom. It made him sick to think of it. And Tess . . . He had to be her friend, and accept that this is how it would be, like what he signed up for. She didn’t ever need to know his heart belonged to her. It would complicate things . . . it was safer that way.
He lay there for hours before sleep finally took him.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tess’s cell phone was ringing. Well, singing at her, about how he used to rule the world . . . She quickly finished typing the last words of her email to a client before she answered the call. “Hi, Dad.”
“Hello. How are you?”
“Fine, thanks. And you?”
“Fine. I heard all three of your brothers paid you a visit to check on you.” Charles II sounded mild, but she waited for the rest. “It’s okay if they pop in to surprise you, but not me, eh?”
“Actually, at first, I wasn’t at all happy to see them,” she said firmly. “I don’t like surprise visits of any kind. But yes, they were here, and we had a nice, short visit.”
“So I heard. Charles said you’re fine, doing well, relaxing. Didn’t have much to say beyond that.”
“Because there’s nothing much else to report,” she said. “I’m fine. I told you all I was.” She breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Her brothers had sworn they wouldn’t clue Dad in to her plans, but this confirmed it. “Is that why you called?”
“Yes, and to just . . . say hello.” Charles II paused. “I didn’t like how we left things last time. You know, Tess . . . I’m far from perfect. But I love you. Always have. You’re my only daughter, which makes you special. I’m sorry I upset you.”
She drew a long, deep breath and exhaled it slowly. “I know you love me, Dad. You’ve just had a really messed-up way of showing it sometimes. I thought we’d gotten past that by now. I’m in my late thirties, for God’s sake.”
“I’m aware of that.”
“You just . . . need to loosen the reins some, you know?” she suggested. “You make me so damn mad when you pull that controlling, manipulative shit. I won’t stand for it. You should know that by now. None of us will stand for it. So just . . . stop.”
He didn’t say anything.
She sighed and said wearily, “I lov
e you too, Dad. No matter what, that’ll never change. I love you. You hear me?”
“I hear you. And it’s good to hear.”
They talked pleasantly for a few more minutes, and Tess was glad they’d cleared things up a bit. At least, for the time being. But when she turned back to her computer to finish her work for the day, she glanced for the hundredth time at the date in the bottom right corner. She bit down on her bottom lip, unable to hold back a tiny grin of excitement.
She should have gotten her period that day. She hadn’t.
A fresh surge of hope whooshed through her. But she willed herself to focus and get back to work. She could get her period the next day. It didn’t mean anything yet.
But she couldn’t help but hope.
* * *
“Hi!” Tess smiled brightly.
Logan smiled back, and it hit him how much he’d missed her. It had only been five days since he’d seen her, but it felt like five weeks. When he’d texted her that morning to invite her to dinner, it was the first time he’d contacted her since the day he’d left her to deal with her brothers. Now, his insides warmed at the sight of her, going molten. Man, he had it bad. “Hi yourself. Come on in.”
She stepped into his mother’s place and opened her red parka with one hand, balancing the paper bag she held. He took her coat for her, setting it aside on an armchair as she clutched the bag and went into the living room. The condo was small, but warm and welcoming. Annmarie sat on the couch, looking the same as the last time Tess had seen her, which was a relief. “Hi, Annmarie. How are you?”
“Fine, thanks.” Annmarie smiled. Her eyes ran over Tess’s tight black top, leggings, and knee-high black leather boots. “That’s a great outfit. Shows off your figure. Kind of makes you look like Catwoman, or a ninja spy.”
Between You and Me Page 26
