She drew a long, shuddery breath and let her head drop onto his shoulder. I love you, you big lug, she wanted to shout. I wish you’d let me love you, and I wish you could love me back. But she fought to make other conversation. “So, we’ll, um . . . we’ll tell your mom that I’m going back to New York soon, but that I’ll be visiting you here once a month, for a few days each time.” She looked at him again. “Which I will, Logan. I won’t disappear. I’ll hold up my end of the deal, don’t worry.”
He only nodded. She saw so much in his eyes . . . There was a lot going on, but she couldn’t read him. She wished she knew what the hell he was thinking. She could feel that he wanted to say something, in almost palpable waves radiating off him . . . but instead, he lowered his head and brushed his lips against hers, a tentative gesture. She leaned into it and turned it into a full, deep kiss. The spark ignited quickly; they stood there kissing, caressing, holding tight . . . It had been weeks since they’d slept together.
“Is it wrong to say I want you right now?” he asked gruffly, breathing hard.
“I was thinking the same thing,” she said, grasping his face to kiss him again.
He grabbed her ass and pressed her tightly against him. She felt his cock getting harder by the second. Unable to help herself, she wiggled a little against him and he groaned. “The benefits part of this friendship . . .” he said between kisses as he made his way along her jaw, her neck, trailing his hot open mouth along her skin. “We’ve always been totally in sync there.”
“Indeed. So maybe it’s the perfect way to celebrate the good news,” she suggested, her head falling back as he nibbled the sweet spot behind her ear. Her body arched, pressing against him. The feel of his erection already insistent against her belly made her feel powerful, sensual. She ran her hand along the ridge in his jeans.
He lifted her up in a swift motion, bringing a surprised gasp from her even as her legs locked around his waist. His wide, amused smile was so free and gorgeous, it took her breath away. Oh God, she loved him so much. She’d take him any way she could, as much as she could, for her short time left there.
With one hand on her back, the other in her hair, he kissed her and said, “Let’s celebrate upstairs. For the rest of the afternoon.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Logan woke up in the dim light of sunrise. He was in Tess’s big, cozy sleigh bed, with her against his side. A peek at her nightstand clock showed it was just past six a.m. Tess slept soundly; naked, warm, endlessly tempting. But he sighed as he drew her even closer, careful not to wake her. Today was the day. He’d been dreading this for two and half weeks.
It was the damnedest thing, though. They’d acted as much like a real couple in these past weeks as he’d ever been with his ex-wife. They’d gone out and stayed in, shared meals and laughs, made love every night . . . And yeah, they said all the time how they were just friends. Like a disclaimer. Every time he felt that intense pull that sometimes had them staring into each other’s eyes, one of them would remark on how amazing their friendship was.
He never told her, never even hinted at it, but she owned him, heart and soul. And today, she was going back to New York to live her life with their baby . . . no. For the hundredth time, he reminded himself it was her baby. He wouldn’t get to see this child grow up. He’d rarely, if ever, see the child at all. To think when he’d started this, he’d been fine with that . . .
God, he’d been so fucking stupid. Thinking he’d do her this favor, that it wouldn’t really tie him to her, that he’d get to do a good deed but stay on his own, that he wouldn’t get emotionally attached. He’d been blindsided. Tess Harrison was the most incredible person he’d ever known, and this deal had become everything.
She’d become one of his closest friends . . . maybe his best friend, really. She knew him in ways no one else did. No one since Rachel. He hadn’t let anyone. But when he wasn’t looking, without even realizing it, he’d let his walls down and let Tess in. And she seemed to understand him, appreciate him, just for who he was. And she . . . She was a marvel. She radiated light, kindness, intelligence, strength. Add to that how damned beautiful and sexy she was. He loved everything about her.
Now he had to let her go, and it would come just short of killing him to do so.
He wanted to ask her to stay. He wanted to tell her he loved her. He wanted . . . He wanted lots of things, but none of them would be fair. He’d signed papers. He’d made promises. He’d sworn to honor her and her decisions. If he tried to change that now, she’d leave him in the dust.
He very clearly remembered what she’d said the night she’d asked him to be her sperm donor: I want to have a baby and raise it as my own. I don’t want a partner, and I don’t need a father figure . . . The fact that you don’t want to be a father is perfect, because I don’t want you to be its father . . . This child is going to be mine, and mine alone . . . I want it that way.
She wanted independence. He loved her enough to let her go. But first, he had to get through driving her to the damn airport . . . He actually had to help her leave.
She curled closer into him in her sleep with a tiny sigh, tossing her long, perfect leg over his thigh. He moved his hand down to caress her skin as he thought about the night before. It’d been a goodbye dinner at his mom’s house. When it was time for him to take Tess home, Annmarie had clutched Tess in a tight hug.
“I’ll be back soon,” Tess told her, returning the hug. She’d looked over Annmarie’s head to Logan, the bittersweet look of surprise on her face wringing his heart out. Tess patted Annmarie on the back. “This isn’t goodbye. It’s just goodbye for now. I’ll be back in two months for a visit. I won’t be able to stay away from your son for longer than that.”
As Logan thought, Nice touch, sweetheart, Annmarie had pulled back to look up into Tess’s face and say tremulously, “It’s been such a pleasure getting to know you, Tess. Truly. You’re a wonderful woman.”
“Oh my goodness,” Tess murmured, obviously touched. “I feel the same way about you.”
“Thank you for making my son smile again,” Annmarie said, her voice catching. “Thank you for making him happy.”
Logan felt his heart drop to his stomach. He almost swayed where he stood.
“If I’ve done that, that’s wonderful,” Tess said quietly. “He’s an incredible man, your son. I adore him. Thank you for sharing him with me.”
At that, Logan’s breath caught, emotions ravaging him.
And as he recalled it again now, he felt his eyes prick with tears. Jesus, what had he done? He’d perpetuated a lie to make his mom happy, and justified it as granting a dying woman her wish. But now . . . Annmarie had grown to care deeply about Tess, and vice versa. Was that fair, to either of them? He didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know anything anymore. There were no lines, much less blurred ones . . . only chaos. In such a short time, everything had changed. He had changed.
But he held all that inside. He made sweet, tender love to Tess to wake her up. They showered together, they ate breakfast together, and he helped her pack up the last of her things. He carried her suitcases to the car and helped her with Bubbles. They drove to the airport in silence. She held his hand the whole way there, and he savored the feel of her soft, warm fingers intertwined with his.
At the airport, he unloaded her stuff and took it to curbside check-in, then offered to wait with her . . . but Tess shook her head. When he saw tears in her eyes, his heart stuttered and his stomach started to churn.
“My God,” she whispered huskily, “I’m going to miss you so much.”
He tried to swallow back the lump in his throat. “I’m going to miss you too. More than you know.”
She flung her arms around him, holding tight as if her life depended on it. He held her close, breathing her in, memorizing her scent and the lines of her body and the thick softness of her curls between his fingers . . . and trying not to let her tears pierce his heart. He failed. Every moment ripped his heart
out a little bit more.
“This isn’t goodbye,” he whispered, echoing her words to his mother the night before. “It’s just goodbye for now.”
“I know,” she said, sniffling and trying to compose herself. “I know. I’ve just gotten so used to seeing you, being with you . . .” She pulled back to look up at him, and the tears streaked down her face. “Thank you for everything. Everything, Logan. This winter with you . . . I’ll cherish it for the rest of my life. I need you to know that.” She grabbed his face and kissed him hard.
He yanked her in tight, kissing her back with all the passion and love in his heart. “I will too,” he choked out between kisses. “You’re my Long Island Lady. You’re amazing. So don’t disappear, okay?”
“Not a chance.” She pulled back, leaning her forehead against his, stroking his beard, her eyes closed as the tears rolled down her face. “I have to go,” she finally whispered raggedly.
He watched her go to the truck and lift Bubbles out of the backseat. Ah man, he’d even miss that cute little dog. He scratched her behind the ears and said, “You take good care of your mama, okay?”
Tess gasped out a sob. He cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in for one long, last kiss. “Take good care of yourself,” he commanded in a rough murmur. “Let me know how you’re doing. I know it won’t be every day like it’s been here, and that really, I have no right.”
“We’re close now,” she said staunchly. “Of course you have a right.”
“Well, then. Just let me know once in a while that you’re okay.” He stepped back before he lost it and asked her not to go. “If you need anything, you let me know. I mean it.”
“I know you do.” She smiled sadly, wiping away her tears with her free hand. “You too, please. If your mom takes a bad turn, if you need to talk, if you need anything . . . please call me. Text me. Anything.”
He nodded, staring back. “Goodbye, sweetness. Safe flight.”
Her eyes welled again, but she smiled through it one last time. Clutching Bubbles close, she turned away to walk into the terminal.
Logan watched her go until he couldn’t see her anymore. Then he got back in the truck and pulled slowly away from the curb to drive back into town . . . back into the way it’d been before a whirlwind named Tess Harrison had blown into his lonely life. The difference now was, he hadn’t cared before that he’d been lonely. Hadn’t even realized it, really. Now he knew it, and it was a sharp, throbbing misery.
He scrubbed a hand over his face at a red light, chastising himself. This emotional goodbye had knocked him sideways. For fuck’s sake, it wasn’t like he’d never see her again. It was the second week of March, and she’d promised to come back in mid-May. But things wouldn’t be the same again, and he knew it. The daily banter and contact, the night after night of passionate lovemaking . . . Hell, they might not even be lovers ever again, since the fact was he’d fulfilled his end of the bargain. And she was too amazing a woman to stay alone forever. Someday, surely she’d meet someone else . . . He scowled and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. The thought tore him apart.
He pulled into his driveway, cut the engine, and sat there for a long time, aching.
They’d talk. They’d stay in touch. But he had to work on letting go of her. Because even though he’d see her again, she’d never come back to him. Distance would remind her of who she was and where she belonged. That this had been a deal. She was pregnant now; she didn’t need him anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Four
A sharp buzzing sound woke Tess with a start. She opened her eyes, looked around, and realized that, yet again, she’d fallen asleep on the couch in her office. Thank God it was there; she’d napped every day since she’d been back in New York. The way pregnancy slammed her with exhaustion, napping every day, sometimes twice a day, was the only way she was getting through. But compared to puking every morning, she’d gladly take the fatigue.
She’d kept herself busy for the past five weeks. Poring over websites for ideas on decorating the baby’s room and all things baby; spending time with her brothers and their families; getting a plan in motion for how she would handle her job once she became a single mother; reading articles daily on pregnancy, childbirth, newborns, infancy . . . All of which were necessary, but also a way to think less about Logan. She missed him so much it hurt. And she felt him slipping away a little more each week.
The intercom on her phone buzzed again. The phone was on her desk . . . all the way across the room. She was so tired; it felt like it was miles away. With a weary moan, she closed her eyes again. Whoever it was would have to wait...
A gentle hand patted her shoulder. “Tess. Hey, sleepyhead. C’mon now.”
“Huh?” She opened her eyes and focused on her brother, who was crouching down to look into her face. “Hey, Dane.”
“Hey, Tesstastic. You okay?”
She yawned. “Fine. Just tired.”
“You’re out cold at twelve thirty in the afternoon. Is that normal?” he asked, brow furrowing with concern.
She laughed lightly. “Yes. I’m fine. Ask your brothers’ wives if you don’t believe me.”
“Well, from what I heard, both Abby and Lisette spent a good part of their early pregnancies with their heads in the toilet, so no thanks.” Dane grinned and shifted from his crouch to sit in the armchair adjacent to the couch.
“Yeah, I’ve been spared that much at least.” Tess took a deep breath and sat up slowly. “No morning sickness at all, just tired most of the time. I’ll get past it soon. Almost done with the first trimester already, then supposedly I’ll feel better, get my energy back.” She stretched her arms over her head. “So why am I so lucky as to be blessed with your presence?”
“We were supposed to go to lunch,” he reminded her.
Her eyes flew wide. “Oh no! You’re right! Ah crap.”
He laughed. “Jeez. You forgot all about me. Not like you.”
“Blame it on pregnancy brain,” she said.
“It kicks in this soon? Shit, you’re in trouble then.” He grinned wickedly, but his voice was gentle as he asked, “Do you want to cancel? Get back to your nap?”
“No, of course not.” She rose slowly and stretched again. “Besides, I’m starving. Not working most of the morning has apparently made me famished.”
“Are you carrying a baby, or an alien life form?” he joked. “Sucking the life force out of you, seeking nourishment. . .”
“You’re a dork.” She laughed as she crossed her office to her desk. “Let me just check the emails I haven’t looked at to make sure there are no emergencies, and we’ll get out of here. Give me five minutes?”
“No problem.” He crossed one long leg over the other as he pulled his phone from his inside jacket pocket. “I’ll tell Julia you say hi. She wants to see you soon, by the way. Dinner next week, maybe? Monday or Tuesday?”
“I’d love that,” Tess said as she clicked into her inbox. “Tuesday works for me.”
She scanned her work emails quickly; nothing there that couldn’t wait. Then she checked her personal email, and there was one from Logan. Her breath caught. Since she’d returned to New York, he’d cut way down on contact, texting her every three or four days instead of daily, and no phone calls. She was hurt by the lessening contact, but supposed she shouldn’t be surprised. Logan Carter went it alone. He’d made that clear from the start.
So what if she thought things had changed? So what if she thought she’d maybe seen his eyes get a little glassy during their emotional goodbye, or that he’d kissed her as fervently as she’d kissed him? He wasn’t letting her stay close; that became more clear with each passing week. And it hurt. Truth was, thinking about him only made her miserable. She missed him like hell. Apparently, that wasn’t mutual.
But he’d never sent her an email before. Usually, they talked via texts. So with curiosity building, she clicked on it. But when she opened it, she realized it wasn’t just to her, but to her and her two ol
der brothers. It had to be something about the house, then, since Pierce wasn’t addressed; Tess owned the ski house with only Dane and Charles, since Pierce had been living in England when they bought it.
Hello Charles, Dane, and Tess,
This is an official notice to inform you all that I’m cutting back on my work. My mother’s health has started to seriously decline and I’m needed there. Effective today, I’ll be turning over regular care of your Red Mountain house to Richie Wood, one of my most reliable colleagues. I’ve worked with him for years, and I can personally vouch for his trustworthiness, his dependability, and his just being a great guy. His cell number is . . .
Tess felt her blood pressure start to rise. Annmarie was worse? Why hadn’t he said so? Why hadn’t he told her anything? She could feel her blood race through her veins, leaving vague nausea in its wake.
Then another thought hit, like a kick to the chest. Was this really solely about his mother, or did he just want to quit dealing with the Harrisons because of Tess? He’d been slipping away slowly. Was she being paranoid, or was this a real possibility? What the hell was going on? A million questions rushed through her on another wave of anxious adrenaline, leaving her breathless.
“Um . . . Tess?” Dane looked up from his phone, catching her eye from across the room. He looked ambivalent as he said, “I just saw an email from Logan.”
“I’m just reading it now,” she said tightly as her stomach roiled.
“You didn’t know about this before now?”
“I’m as shocked as you are,” she muttered.
“Huh.” He peered harder. “Actually, you seem more so. Your face is all flushed.”
Between You and Me Page 28
