by Witt, L. A.
Carter swallowed, and then met Levi’s eyes. “Maybe it’s stupid and naïve of me, but I guess I thought we slept together because things had changed between us. Not . . . not the other way around.”
Levi’s heart fell into his feet. “We’ve both known for a long time we’re attracted to each other. Ever since—” Just thinking about that kiss in the theater made his breath catch.
“I know. And . . .” Carter ran a hand through his hair. “Look, it’s not that I only sleep with someone if I’m in love with them or anything like that, but we’ve been keeping each other at arm’s length this whole time, and it . . .” He was quiet for a long moment, eyes unfocused and brow furrowed. Finally, he shook his head. “Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna say it. Everything that happened last night? It wasn’t only because I wanted to sleep with you.”
“Then, why—”
“Please don’t make me spell it out,” Carter pleaded, barely whispering.
Levi winced. Damn it, Carter. You don’t know how bad I want— “That doesn’t . . . It doesn’t change our—my—circumstances.”
Carter clenched his jaw and broke eye contact. “So anything we do has to stay on the down-low.”
“Unfortunately. It doesn’t mean we can’t give it a shot. We’ve been laying low all this time, and—”
“And that didn’t stop the paparazzi from seeing us and speculating.” Carter met his eyes again. “You’d really want to do this, but keep it hidden?”
Levi had never struggled so hard to read Carter’s face. Whether it was because he was afraid to find out what hid between the lines, or because Carter was really keeping his thoughts that far beneath the surface, he didn’t know, but with a gun to his head, he couldn’t have guessed what was running through Carter’s mind.
He moistened his lips. “What do you want me to say, Carter?”
“I . . .” Carter sagged against the wall. “Damn it, I feel like such an idiot.”
“Don’t. You’re not.” Levi leaned on the counter, trying to ignore the beginnings of painful tension creeping into his neck and shoulder. “We’ve been friends this long without too many people catching on. There’s no reason anyone has to know if we take it to the next—”
“It’s not about how easy or difficult it is to keep it quiet. Fact is, I am not going to be your dirty secret.” Carter’s quiet but hard-edged words hit Levi in the gut.
He shook his head. “I don’t want you to be my dirty secret. But I . . . You know why I can’t go public with this.”
Carter studied him. “Everyone knows you’re playing Max Fuhrman now. The episodes haven’t aired, but the word’s out.” He folded his arms loosely across his chest. “So you don’t have your job hanging over your head anymore.”
“No, I suppose I don’t. Not like before.”
“So . . .” Carter held his gaze. “It’s not a problem, right?”
Levi exhaled. “It’s not that simple. If it was, I wouldn’t be this close to forty and still in the damned closet.”
Carter’s eyebrows slid upward. “Your family.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you actually hear yourself?” Carter’s voice was gentle, but held a distinct note of frustration. “You’re this close to forty and staying in the closet because of an industry that drove you all the way to Bluewater Bay, and a family that’s so dysfunctional, even your cats can’t cope with them.”
“Those are the cards I was dealt.” Levi gritted his teeth. “I’m not crazy about my family, but they are my family and I’m trying to fix everything with them. And if I want to act, then this is the industry I have to put up with.”
Carter’s lips tightened. Levi couldn’t tell if he was frustrated with the situation, or with the way Levi handled it. Maybe both.
Finally, Carter released a breath. “When are you going to stop being what the world wants you to be, and be your damned self?” He threw up his hands. “Isn’t that why you moved here in the first place? Because everyone in LA is so fucking fake? You’re faking it as much as they are!”
Levi flinched. “So I’m fake because I’m trying to protect myself?”
“Protect yourself from what?” Carter snapped. “The people who want you to be straight are no better than the assholes who want to typecast you and pigeonhole you. I don’t care if they’re blood relatives or if they sign your fucking paychecks. You shouldn’t have to hide who you are or who you’re with because of people like that.” He exhaled, and his shoulders sank. His voice was soft and unsteady as he continued. “You say you want to protect yourself, but what you’re doing is being even more dishonest than all those phony assholes you left behind.”
Levi drew back, eyes wide. “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to tweet that I’m gay and hope I don’t spend the foreseeable future regretting it?”
“I don’t know.” Carter shook his head and threw up his hands again, but it looked like it took a lot more effort this time. “I don’t believe that you’re really happy keeping yourself a secret.”
Levi inclined his head. “But you’ve only brought this up now that you’re concerned about me keeping a relationship between us a secret?”
“It’s bothered me all along, but I . . .” Carter hesitated. “Okay, maybe this is selfish of me. The fact is, I want to be with you, but not if I have to be something you keep hidden.”
“So you’re giving me an ultimatum?” Levi shifted, fighting a losing battle against defensiveness. “Come out or fuck off?”
“You’re asking me to keep any relationship we have a secret.” Carter gave a sharp half shrug. “Doesn’t seem like that ultimatum’s out of line, does it?”
Levi ground his teeth. “You knew where I stood before you came on to me yesterday.”
“And I didn’t see you trying to stop me.” Before Levi could respond, Carter sighed and shook his head. “The thing is, I get what you’re up against, Levi. I do. And I didn’t think things would get this complicated. I came looking for you in the first place because I respected you as an actor, and yeah, I’d had a crush on you since forever.” He swallowed. “But then things changed, and that’s not who you are to me anymore. You haven’t been Levi the actor to me in . . . in I don’t even know how long. I got to know the real you, and all I want now is the real you. The Levi who loves his cats and can’t watch a movie without a glass of Coke and likes to go out fishing like a regular guy.”
Levi lowered his gaze.
“But that other Levi is calling the shots. And I . . . I want this. I want you.” Carter exhaled hard. “But I can’t be something you’re afraid of other people finding out about. I can be a lot of things, but I can’t be your secret.”
Levi rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know what else to do.”
“Neither do I, but I refuse to be another Dylan Masters.”
Levi blinked. “You know exactly why I did that. And he knew what it was when he went into it.”
“Good for him. But I know what this is, and—”
“You knew I wasn’t out and I didn’t want to be out,” Levi growled. “But you still came on to me last night. Did you think I’d suddenly change my—”
“I just wanted you, all right?” Carter’s voice was suddenly shaky. “I didn’t think this through, and I doubt you did either. All I knew was how much I wanted you. And to tell you the truth, if I’d known we’d be standing here doing this afterward, I still would’ve done it.”
Levi wanted to say he still would’ve done it too, but he couldn’t. Not with that bone-deep hurt in Carter’s eyes. Nothing that had happened on this boat last night was worth the pain Levi was causing him now.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked finally. “I mean, my fucked-up family aside, I’m in a bad spot careerwise. I spent years pretending I didn’t want to be an actor anymore, and when I finally couldn’t deny that I did, the powers that be decided to hang my sexuality over my head from the start. Before I even signed. Stay in the closet, or lose that opportun
ity. Maybe they won’t fire me from this gig, but they’ll remember it, and after my character is killed off, I might be hard-pressed to land any role. You know damn well second chances don’t come twice in this business.”
“They don’t come twice with people either,” Carter said in a low growl.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means we both know the suits will sign you again if they think you can make them money. And hey, if you’d still sign with them after all this crap they’ve held over your head?” He waved a hand dismissively. “That’s on you. Some of us aren’t keen on being used.”
“Jesus Christ, Carter.” Levi sighed. “I did not use you.”
“That’s up for interpretation.”
“What? How did I use you? Because you kissed me, and I had sex with you? I didn’t realize taking our clothes off meant I owed you a public relationship.”
Carter blinked. Then his expression hardened as he folded his arms across his chest. “So it was just a roll in the hay for you? It didn’t dawn on you once that it was more than that?”
Oh, it dawned on me more than once.
“It doesn’t matter now.” Levi gripped the edge of the counter, which was a challenge with his sweaty palms. “It’s done. And no matter how I play this out in my head, the fact is, I can’t give you more than a discreet relationship. You knew that from the beginning.”
“Yeah, I did.” Carter deflated a little. “I guess I thought things had changed.”
Oh, they have . . .
“Some things haven’t.”
“Yeah, that’s for sure.” Carter’s eyes narrowed. “You’re still letting your life be dictated by bosses you hate and a family who drives you insane.”
Levi rubbed the bridge of his nose. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He lowered his hand. “This career, it’s a piece of my identity that’s been gone for too long. I just want to—”
“Yeah? Well, I hope all the money and awards keep you warm at night.” Carter met his eyes, and the hostility vanished in favor of something even more painful. “You know, a few times, I actually considered going through with this even if it meant being your dirty little closeted secret. I seriously thought about agreeing to see you because I wanted to be with you that badly. You’re the only man in the world I’ve thought about dating on the sly since I was a teenager.” He set his jaw. “Because I wanted you that much, Levi. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much that you’d ask me to be your secret.”
Levi winced. “Except you knew from the get-go—”
“I know. I did.” Carter nodded. “But I didn’t think I’d feel this way about you.”
Levi rubbed the stiffening muscles in his neck. “I’m a messed-up guy, Carter. I’ve got . . .” He paused, composing himself. “You deserve better than that.”
“Yeah.” Carter took a decisive step back toward the ladder, and the gap between them seemed too large to be contained inside this tiny cabin. “You’re right. I do.”
With that, he was gone.
Levi dropped into a chair.
As the silence set in, he replayed their conversation over and over again, the mental film clips interspersed with dimly lit memories of last night.
Hadn’t Dylan told him ages ago that the longer he stayed in the closet, the harder it would come back to bite him in the ass? That the more he let other people, be they his family or his employer, dictate his personal life, the more deeply he’d regret it?
And Levi had believed it. He hadn’t known when or how, but he’d always known his ex’s prediction would eventually come true.
He just hadn’t bargained for someone like Carter.
Chapter 22
Carter didn’t go home. He got on the highway and drove, flying past farms and forests en route to the coast because he didn’t know what else to do.
Mile after mile, town after town, he berated himself for how this morning had played out.
Are you really surprised? What the fuck did you expect?
Carter rested his elbow below the window and rubbed his neck. Nothing about this morning should’ve surprised him. He never should’ve gotten his hopes up, but Levi had done things to his head that no other man had done. Normally, Carter could keep a platonic distance from a friend even when there was an obvious mutual attraction, but he’d lost all semblance of control with Levi. Looking back, he couldn’t fathom how they’d made it this long without tumbling into bed together.
And now . . . now this.
It wasn’t that he needed to be in love to have sex with someone. Sex didn’t have to be special or meaningful—he’d just found the penis-go-round to be a little exhausting. Especially once his face had started landing on magazine covers and billboards, and his personal life had become public property. His sex life was the one thing he could keep to himself. The one place where he could decide who had access and who didn’t.
And he understood why Levi guarded his privacy so jealously, but there was a difference between refusing to let the entire world know who was in your bed and demanding complete secrecy about a relationship. Assuming Levi even thought there was the potential for a relationship between them. Hell, maybe to him, last night had just been . . .
After all, he hadn’t reciprocated when Carter had said he had feelings for him.
Carter groaned and rubbed his eyes. Letting his guard down for Levi hadn’t been easy, and apparently it hadn’t been smart either. What exactly had he expected? One night of boat-rocking sex didn’t negate a lifetime in the closet. Especially not when Levi had legit reasons for staying in that closet.
He got it. He knew no amount of pleading with the universe would change anything.
But goddamn, sometimes the truth really did hurt.
Levi wasn’t even sure how he got himself home. He vaguely remembered making the numb walk from the boat to the car, and if he worked at it, there were bits and pieces of the drive, but whatever. Somehow, he’d made it.
He let himself into the kitchen from the garage and tossed his keys onto the counter. A second later, the dull, rhythmic thump of heavy paws on hardwood brought a faint smile to his lips. He knelt as Link and Zelda came around the kitchen island.
“Hey guys.” He scratched their chins. “Miss me?”
They just purred. When he stood, he expected them to trot off in the direction of their food dish—after all, now that he was home, it was time to make himself useful—but they stayed close. While he made himself some coffee, they were underfoot. The entire time he was in the shower, two dark blobs sat on the other side of the frosted-glass doors, and they “helped” him get dressed. And as he wandered around the house in search of something to do, they were hot on his heels.
For the better part of the last few years, he’d been the only one here more often than not. Just him, Link, and Zelda. When a friend or family member came by, the five-thousand-square-foot house had seemed almost crowded because he was so used to it being the three of them. When his parents were here, this may as well have been a studio apartment for all the breathing room he had.
But without Carter, this place was fucking empty.
Levi didn’t have to be at the soundstage for a few hours, so for the time being, he pulled out an old radio and kept it playing in the living room to drown out the silence while he fucked around on his iPad. He briefly considered going downstairs and putting in a movie, but banished that thought in short order.
The cats didn’t seem to understand what was going on. Link curled up right beside his leg and meowed pitifully whenever Levi went to refill his drink. Zelda perched beside Levi and kneaded his thigh, staring up at him. Every time he looked away, she made those weird little chirping noises she made during windstorms. That sound he’d long ago figured out meant she didn’t understand what was going on, and needed him to remind her everything was okay.
He balanced his iPad on his other leg and petted her until she flopped down beside him, and he kept his hand on her while he conti
nued playing a game on the tablet.
By noon, the walls were closing in. He needed to get out of here, but where could he go? An aimless drive was a means of escape he’d abandoned after the accident. He couldn’t take the boat out, either. Not today. Not when it had become the scene of the crime. The place where they’d fucked and then fucked it all up.
And there was really no escape anyway. He could go out for a few hours, but then he’d have to make his way to the set where there’d be no avoiding anything.
Because they were shooting another scene together.
Carter couldn’t sit still. He hadn’t been on edge like this since he’d been waiting for his agent to call and tell him if he’d gotten the part on Wolf’s Landing.
Levi was here. Carter had caught a glimpse of him heading to the makeup artist’s chair, and Anna wanted them both on the set in twenty, which meant they’d be in the same room any minute.
He didn’t even know how he’d feel once they were face-to-face. Right now, the pendulum swung between lashing out and breaking down.
Just let it go.
Easier said than done. He would get over it, of course, but it would take time. Last night hadn’t happened overnight—it was weeks in the making, and damn Levi for getting that far under his skin.
Except I was the idiot who let him.
Carter had known from the get-go what this was and what it wasn’t. The fact that they’d given in and slept together didn’t change anything. For that matter, Levi had carefully cultivated a delicate balance in his world, keeping certain aspects of his life private in order to keep other aspects from falling to pieces, and Carter wasn’t being fair by asking him to disrupt that on the off chance they could make this work.
Still, he couldn’t help feeling hurt. And frustrated. And fucking pissed off. Whether his anger was directed at Levi or the incredibly unfair world they lived in, he didn’t even know. All he knew now was how much he wanted to feel what he had during those few hours on Levi’s boat.
A voice grazed the outer edges of his senses. He couldn’t hear what was being said, only the presence of a familiar tone amidst all the chaos on the set.
