by Witt, L. A.
I stared at him in stunned silence.
Garrett sobered as he met my eyes. “I’m telling you this because . . . the thing is, the other night, when you told me you were positive, I . . . I panicked. But not for the reason you think.”
My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth again, and my heart slammed against my ribs.
He went on. “In that moment, all I could think of was when we found out Sean had cancer. When they . . . said it would kill him. And I . . .” A shudder ran through him. “The point is, it wasn’t that I was disgusted or afraid you’d infect me if we fooled around. That didn’t even cross my mind. It just triggered something. Took me back to a dark place. Combine that with remembering what it was like to grow up gay in the eighties and nineties, and yeah, I was scared, but it wasn’t for myself. It was . . .” He pushed out a ragged breath. “It was for what might happen to you.”
It took a few seconds, but the pieces fell together in my head, and somehow I found the air to whisper, “You were afraid of watching me die.”
He hesitated but nodded. “I know it’s stupid, and I know they’ve made leaps and bounds in how the disease is treated. I know things have changed, and the prognosis isn’t grim like it used to be, but like I said, I’m from the era when it was a shit show. And I mean, we just met. It isn’t like either of us has any idea where this”—he gestured at both of us—“could go. But like I said, I panicked. I went back to . . .” He swallowed. “That memory is still pretty fresh.”
I didn’t speak right away. I let it all sink in first. Eventually, I moistened my lips. “How long has it been?”
Garrett sighed. “He passed away last June. I . . . moved out here last month because I couldn’t . . .” He rubbed a hand over his face, and good God, he suddenly seemed exhausted. Had he been that way all this time? “The bottom line is, I’m sorry.”
I had no idea what to say. None. Not a clue.
Garrett cleared his throat. “So that’s it.” He looked in my eyes. “And to be clear, what you told me didn’t make me want you any less.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “You’re the first person who’s turned my head since my husband. I like you. And I . . .” He blushed a little and looked at the ground. “To be honest, I thought my sex drive was dead and gone until I met you, but I also didn’t realize how badly I’d been needing just some affection until you touched me.”
My knees almost buckled under the weight of his shaky words. I still didn’t know what to say, but I had a feeling what he needed from me right then wasn’t anything I could articulate anyway. Instead, I came closer and reached for his hand, first letting my fingertips graze his knuckles, then sliding my hand over the back of his.
For several long seconds, we both stared at that point of contact. Slowly, Garrett turned his hand over, and my heart raced as our fingers laced together. The heat of his palm against mine made my head spin. I’d come out here ready to let him have it for being an ignorant asshole, and now . . . this.
Garrett lifted his gaze. Our eyes locked, and he held my hand tighter. With the other, he reached across the void and cupped my face. “I am so sorry. I never meant to make you feel the way I did.”
“No, I get it now.” I ran my fingers through his hair. “Now I understand why you were trying to stop me when I left.”
He nodded. “Yeah. And I mean it—I’m sorry. You deserved a hell of a lot better than that.”
“Thanks.” It was a dumb thing to say, but I didn’t know how else to respond. “And you’re . . . You really still want to . . .”
“Yes. Nothing you told me changes anything. I still . . .” Color rose in his cheeks. Uncertainly, he smoothed my hair, and a cautious smile formed on his lips. Looking at me through his lashes, he spoke in a husky whisper. “What can I say? You’re fucking hot.”
I laughed, and so did he, and the tension seemed to flutter away. Drawing him to me, I said, “You’re not so bad yourself.”
Garrett grinned, his expression still nervous but gradually relaxing. “So you’re not opposed to hooking up with someone who remembers rotary phones?”
“Rotary what now?”
He rolled his eyes, and I laughed as I moved in closer.
“For what it’s worth,” I murmured against his lips, “I am absolutely not opposed to hooking up with you.”
“Thank God for that,” he growled and kissed me.
Holy fuck. I shivered hard enough to mess with my balance, then leaned into Garrett. Wrapping my arms around him, I opened to his kiss, and my whole body broke out in goose bumps as his tongue slid past mine.
There was something different about the way Garrett kissed me this time. I was used to a certain amount of tentativeness from someone who’d just figured out I was positive, but that wasn’t it. In fact, it was the opposite. He kissed me hungrily and aggressively, like he’d been craving this since the other night. It was like he was more . . . not relaxed, but open. Guard down. Cards not tucked so firmly against his vest. If I’d thought for a second that he really did have a problem with my status, that evaporated in the heat of his kiss. No man who was afraid of being infected kissed me like that.
Moaning softly, he pressed me up against the cool brick wall, letting his erection nudge my hip. I broke the kiss with a gasp, and suddenly his lips were on my neck, and I thought I was going to melt right down the wall.
We’d talked about going slow, but suddenly that didn’t feel like an option. It was almost like we’d both been putting on the brakes because of the things we hadn’t said, and now that we’d talked, there was no reason to hesitate. No reason at all. At this point, I’d be lucky if I held out until we were in private.
“So, uh . . .” I gulped. “So much for moving slow, right?”
“You still want to move slow?”
“N-no.”
Garrett lifted his head and brushed his lips across mine. “Neither do I.”
“Except . . .” I struggled to find my breath. “You’re still at work.”
He stiffened, then swore, and I wondered if he’d actually forgotten where he was. “Damn it. I should . . .” He looked in my eyes. “I’m off in a couple of hours.”
“I’ll text you my address.” I grinned, sliding my hands up the front of his shirt. “And when you’re off work, I’ll be standing by for some adult content.”
He laughed. “I like the sound of that.”
“Figured you would.” I was tempted to move in for another kiss, but I had a feeling that would just keep us out here until he got fired. “I should let you get back to work.”
Garrett scowled but nodded as he caressed my cheek. “If you’re sure about me coming by later . . .”
“Completely.” I grinned and turned to kiss his palm, then flicked my tongue across the center of it.
He shivered and licked his lips. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Chapter 14
Garrett
I swung by my apartment for a shower and changed into some clothes I hadn’t been sweltering in for the last several hours, then put Jesse’s address into my GPS. Bluewater Bay wasn’t exactly a huge town, so it wasn’t at all surprising that his apartment was less than a mile and a half from mine. In minutes, I was parked in a guest spot and hauling ass up to his front door.
Ignoring my nerves—and good God, I had a few—I knocked.
The dead bolt clicked, ratcheting up my nerves by at least tenfold, and the door opened, and—
This was exactly where I needed to be.
Jesse met my gaze from across the threshold. We both stared for a moment, nothing but cool night air between us. He’d showered too, his bleached blond hair damp and a little messy. I was peripherally aware that his T-shirt had something snarky on it, but comprehending the words and the colorful cartoon meant pulling my attention away from his sparkling blue eyes, and that wasn’t an option right now.
Jesse’s grin hovered between shy and suggestive, and it edged toward the former as h
e stepped aside and motioned for me to come in. When he shut the door behind us, I thought I heard him pull in a ragged, nervous breath, but when he faced me, the shyness in his expression was gone. In seconds, my nerves were overshadowed by excitement and need. I could decide tomorrow if we’d moved too fast—tonight we weren’t moving fast enough.
Grinning so wickedly he was damn near smirking, he stepped toward me. I thought one of us should say something, but I didn’t know what, and he didn’t offer anything. Instead, he locked eyes with me, and his hands followed my belt around to the small of my back as he lifted himself up to kiss me.
Oh yeah. This was definitely where I needed to be tonight.
I sighed into his kiss as I wrapped my arms around him. “Sorry I took so long.”
“You’re right on time.”
And with that, we were kissing again, hard and deep and relentless. Jesse pushed me back a step, and I grunted as my shoulders hit the wall. He pressed against me, his body hot and his cock hard as he explored my mouth and overwhelmed me with him. I slid my hands down over his ass, reveling in the throaty moan that vibrated against my lips as I squeezed the firm muscles.
My God. Thirty seconds in his arms, and I was high. Turned on, shaking, and fucking high, and it was amazing. Jesus. The only times I’d really given myself over to anything pleasurable in recent memory had been when Scott and I lit up on his balcony, and that hadn’t been close to this. The marijuana highs were great, but not like the taste of Jesse’s kiss. The weed killed my focus. Left me too scattered to think.
I wasn’t scattered now. Jesse pulled my focus to him, and he held it, narrowing my world to him and only him. To turning him on the way he’d effortlessly turned me on. Exploring him. Tasting him. Finding out exactly how he sounded when he came.
“We should go in the bedroom,” he breathed between kisses. “It’s a lot more comfortable than my couch, and that’s where we’re going to end up if we keep doing this.” We weren’t in a bedroom already? Holy shit.
I laughed and claimed another kiss before murmuring, “Lead the way.”
Jesse nipped at my lower lip, then let me go, took my hand, and led me down the short hall. He shut the bedroom door behind us. I wasn’t sure why I was relieved by the closed door. There was no one else in the apartment, so who cared? But with the click of the latch, the whole universe was sealed outside, and it was just him, me, a bed, and everything we could squeeze out of a night together.
In the quiet confines of the bedroom, before our lips had even touched, Jesse was tugging my shirt from the back of my waistband. As his tongue slid past mine, his warm hands slid up my back, and I gasped hard enough to break the kiss.
Jesse froze. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head, laughing at my own reaction as I pulled him back in. “Just . . . haven’t been touched in a while.” It sounded stupid to my ear, but Jesse gave no indication it had sounded stupid to him. He kissed me again, slowly and languidly, and his hands continued under my shirt.
How was it that the simple contact of a man’s hands on my bare skin could shake me to the core like this? It wasn’t my first time with a man. Just my first time since the world had ended. Suddenly it seemed like even longer since I’d been intimate with someone, and my senses weren’t just overwhelmed by Jesse’s touch—they were overwhelmed by the need for more.
I mirrored him and pushed my hands under the back of his shirt. He arched into me, humming softly against my lips as his fingertips pressed into my skin. As his body heat radiated into my palms and through his clothes, my head spun. I inhaled his scent like it was a drug. Savored his skin and his warmth and his contours like I’d been at sea forever and he was dry land. My own thoughts were too stupidly poetic, almost making me laugh out loud, but I didn’t care. For the better part of a year—more than that—I’d swung between pain and numbness, and suddenly there was this. My brain could make it all into whatever ridiculous poetry it wanted to as long as I had Jesse’s smooth, sexy body against mine. And we weren’t even naked yet.
I needed to feel and see more of him, so I pushed his shirt higher, and we broke the kiss and the embrace long enough to strip it off. Jesse peeled my shirt off too, and then we were tugging at belts and zippers, and somehow we toed off our shoes and . . .
My scrambled brain registered nothing except clumsy movement and cool air and hot skin until I realized I was pulling Jesse down onto the bed on top of me. Naked. Both of us. He sank onto me, hard cock grazing mine as soft lips descended on my neck. I closed my eyes and exhaled, tilting my head to offer more of my throat as I ran my hands up his arms and over his shoulders. Jesse took full advantage. He kissed from my jaw down to my collarbone, then back up the other side, all the while rocking his hips so subtly against me.
I lost myself in it. Completely. In want and heat and breathing and touching. From the moment I’d realized I was attracted to him, I’d been afraid this was happening too soon. Now that we were naked together, everything we did seemed long overdue. Like every inch of my body that hadn’t yet been touched was aching furiously for a brush of his hand or a rub of his leg. I’d been aware of my loneliness before tonight, but now I could feel it as sure as I could feel the sheets under my back and Jesse’s beautiful body stretched out on top of me. I could feel it, but it was falling away every time he kissed my neck or I ran my fingers through his damp hair.
When he found his way back to my mouth, I grabbed his hair and kissed him greedily, and the shudder that ran through him made him grind even harder against me. The subtle rocking wasn’t so subtle anymore, the friction driving me wild. I wanted this to last all night, and I wanted to get off right now, and . . . fuck, I just wanted . . .
“I want you so bad,” I said.
Jesse shuddered again, growling against my lips. “What do you want me to do?”
“Anything. Everything.”
“Anything?” There was a teasing lilt in his voice, but a note of caution too.
“What do you have in mind?”
He moaned again and kissed me and barely broke the kiss enough to purr, “I want to fuck you.”
My body responded like he was already buried to the hilt in me, and I arched under him. “Yes, please.”
Jesse shivered hard, squirming against me. “Turn over.”
One more kiss and we separated. I’d barely positioned myself on my hands and knees before the wrapper tore. The lube bottle clicked. Hoping he didn’t notice my nerves, I gulped and willed myself to relax. I’d almost convinced myself there was no reason to be nervous at all when his hands curved over my ass, kneading the muscles. I closed my eyes. Every time he touched me, I was acutely aware of how long it had been since anyone had. Instead of exciting me, though, knowing he was getting ready to fuck me made me tense up all over. It felt like decades since I’d done this, and a million panicked thoughts skittered through my brain. Should we go slow? Would it hurt like it had the very first time? Did I still know how to relax and enjoy—
His tongue. There was nothing, and then there was his tongue, and I couldn’t breathe as he drew gentle circles over my hole. All the panic vanished in favor of Oh my God and Yes, more. It had been way too long since I’d had sex, and even longer since I’d experienced this, and my elbows shook under me as my entire body threatened to collapse beneath the intensity of his soft, patient touch.
The panic was gone, and so was the tension. Everything ceased to exist except the pleasure of Jesse rimming me like he intended to do it all night. He was in no rush. His cock must’ve been painfully hard, and he’d sounded desperate to start fucking me, but that sense of urgency was replaced now by this languid and unhurried motion. His tongue was pure magic. Much more of this, and he was liable to make me come without touching my cock or being inside me.
“Oh God.” I squeezed my eyes shut and let my head fall forward. “That’s so good.”
He moaned, his voice vibrating against my sensitive skin. Then his hand drifted be
tween my legs to cup my balls, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. He caressed my cock and balls, licked all around my hole, and my entire body was hot and tingling and trembling. None of the sensations were new, per se—I was hardly a virgin—but everything was distinctly Jesse. Familiar and not. His soft but insistent tongue. His teasing touch. The echo of his sultry voice when he’d said he wanted to fuck me.
And if he didn’t get to that part soon, I was going to be reduced to a pile of ash in a matter of minutes.
“C’mon,” I pleaded. “Fuck . . . fuck me.”
He swirled his tongue, then murmured, “Eager?”
“You think?”
He laughed as he pushed himself up, and his hand curved over my hip. Genuine concern filled his voice when he spoke. “Need me to use my fingers, or should I just—”
“Just go for it.” I curled my hands around the sheets. “I can’t wait.”
He ran his palm from my hip to my side. “Just say so if you want to slow down.”
“I will.”
He shifted around behind me. There was another click of the lube bottle. The soft hiss of—I assumed—his hand stroking more lube onto the condom. Gently, he put some on me too, sliding a finger inside to make sure I was good and covered. The penetration made my head spin. Maybe I did need him to finger me first.
I rocked back against him, encouraging him to keep doing it. He laughed softly, but he didn’t slide his finger free. He fucked me with it slowly, and when I could breathe again, he added a second. For what must’ve been hours, he teased me with his hand, scissoring his fingers to stretch me in between taking deliciously slow strokes. As impatient as I was to take his cock, this felt amazing.
After God only knew how long, he withdrew his fingers, and his hand materialized on my hip. “Ready?”
“Mm-hmm.” I wasn’t just ready for it now—I was hungry for it. Needy and desperate in ways I hadn’t known in a long time. My dry spell had been no one’s fault, but that hadn’t made it any less painful, and it didn’t make this relief any less profound.
