by Witt, L. A.
“Because you did mention how you were never into my type before him, so after everything Courtney said, if you’ve got a reason for me to think differently, I’m all ears.”
“And would you actually listen to me?” he snarled. “Or are you going to get in line with everyone else and tell me what I want and what I feel?”
The fury in his usually calm voice startled me, but I recovered quickly, tightening my arms over my chest as I glared across the narrow space at him. “I’ve done everything I can to be what you need, Garrett. I don’t think I’m asking too much for you to give me some sign that you want me and not someone else.”
“Do you want me to tell you I’m over my husband and don’t wish every goddamned day that I didn’t have to watch cancer eat him alive for a year and a fucking half?” he asked through clenched teeth. “Do you want me to tell you that I didn’t love him so much it hurt and that he didn’t leave a gaping hole in my life?” His voice started to waver, and his eyes gleamed with a hint of tears as he growled, “Tell me what the fuck you want to hear, Jesse, because I’ve got nothing.”
We stared at each other. The words hung in the air, fury still thrumming from every syllable just like pain still reverberated in my bones.
“Oh hey. Look at that.” I forced back the tears. “Guess you had some fight left in you after all.”
Garrett closed his eyes and sighed. Then, shaking his head, he looked at me, and his tone was gentler. “Jesse, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m just not sure I understand why you want me to stay.” I fucking hated the shakiness in my voice.
“Are you really going to make me spell it out?”
I tightened my arms again, this time to steady myself. “After today, I think you might need to. I don’t . . . I don’t know what I’m supposed to be for you.”
“Have I ever asked you to be anything but you?”
“No, but you have mentioned how much I resemble someone we both know you’ve been missing.”
Garrett winced, looking away.
Much more of this, and I was going to break down in tears. I’d been on shaky ground since Seattle, and now just the sight of him—especially as he refused to deny what I’d said—threatened to split me in half.
I took a deep breath to pull myself together. “I can’t do this. I need to go.” I started toward the door again, jaw clenched as I willed the tears to stay back just a little longer.
“Jesse, I love you.” He blurted it out. Quickly, almost as one syllable. Almost like he hadn’t expected the words to come out at all, though he didn’t take them back.
I halted. As I turned to face him, the sincerity and pain in his eyes almost broke me, but I shook my head anyway. “No, you don’t.”
“Jesse . . .”
I put up a hand, scared he’d keep talking and convince me to stay. This had to stop. Right now. No matter how much the truth hurt, it was still the truth.
“I know you care about me, but you’re not in love with me. You’re in love with something that feels better than that empty spot where Sean used to be.” My voice was shaky, but mostly it made me sound tired. Really tired. Because holy shit, I was tired. “I don’t want you to be lonely, and God knows I don’t want you to be in pain from losing him.” Exhaling, I shook my head. “But I can’t be him. And I can’t be with someone who needs someone else.”
Again, Garrett dropped his gaze.
Again, he didn’t argue.
And again, he didn’t stop me from leaving.
Chapter 32
Garrett
Scott watched me silently from the other chair on his balcony. Neither of us were smoking. My head was already clouded and didn’t need to get worse. Scott hadn’t said a word about it, and there was no lighter, no weed, and no paper on the table between us.
It had been five days since Jesse walked out of my apartment. I’d thrown myself into the longest shifts Don would allow and found every excuse imaginable to stay away from my place. At least until the echoes of our fight had faded enough to let me sleep.
I’d avoided Scott too. I’d known he would take one look at me and turn into my therapist instead of my friend. But when he’d texted this morning to ask if I wanted to come by, the loneliness had won over my need to avoid being analyzed, and I’d come over.
Sure enough, I hadn’t fooled him.
I’d told him everything. The visit to Sean’s grave. My sister-in-law tearing into me. The fight before Jesse had walked out.
I’d finished a good fifteen minutes ago, and we’d both been quiet since then. I didn’t know if Scott was waiting for me to speak, or if he was running my story through his therapist gears, but neither of us had said anything.
Scott drummed his nails on the armrest of his chair. “Have you considered talking to him?”
“I don’t know what to say to him.” I gazed up at the trees to avoid his scrutiny. “I mean, maybe he’s right. Maybe I was looking for Sean.”
“Do you really believe that? Or are you just trying to justify letting him go and not putting yourself out there again?”
I gritted my teeth. “I don’t know what I believe. I know how I feel about Jesse. I just . . . I don’t know if . . .” Sighing, I rubbed my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. “Am I using him to replace Sean? I mean, how do I . . . how do I know if it’s real, or if it’s just a Band-Aid for someone who’s missing? I can’t gamble with his feelings, you know?”
“You obviously care about him.”
“Of course I do.” I finally made myself look at him. “But now I’ve got my sister and Sean’s sister and Jesse himself thinking he’s just a substitute for Sean, and I . . . How do I know he’s not?”
Scott watched me silently for a moment. “Who do you think of when you’re with Jesse? Him or Sean?”
“Him.” I paused. “I mean, Sean’s on my mind a lot. Not as much as he was a year ago, but he’s definitely there.”
“But when you’re looking at Jesse, who are you seeing?”
“Jesse.” I didn’t even have to consider the answer. “Always.”
“Then I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”
“Except convincing Jesse.”
“Sounds like you needed to convince yourself first.”
And I still wasn’t so sure. Except I was. And I wasn’t. Fuck—what was wrong with my brain?
I stared up at the trees again, not sure what to say.
Scott took a breath. “Look, Sean’s death was a massive upheaval in your life. And before the dust had even settled, you gave up everything else. Your job. Your house. The city you lived in. You walked away from everything familiar before he’d even been gone a year.” Scott paused, as if to let it sink in. Or maybe wait for my reaction. When I said nothing, he softly added, “I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love. And I know how hard it is to move on and how easy it is to second-guess every step you take. It doesn’t help to have your sister-in-law come along and step on some raw wounds, but that doesn’t mean she’s right.”
“Doesn’t mean she’s wrong, either.”
Scott sighed like he was starting to get impatient. “That’s bullshit, and no matter how much you don’t want to admit it, you know it’s bullshit. Look, I don’t care what the fuck that woman says. Anyone who paid attention for five seconds knows you loved Sean, and anyone who’s been within a mile of you lately knows you love Jesse.”
“But what about—”
“Listen to me.” His voice was firm, but still gentle. “You have every right to move on in your own time and in your own way.”
“Then why do I feel like I was using Jesse?”
“I don’t know. But I don’t think you were.”
I turned to him, furrowing my brow.
Scott leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he locked eyes with me. “I’ve known you for a long time, Garrett. I know you. And whenever you mentioned Jesse, you got a look in your eyes I’ve only seen y
ou get for one other person.”
I winced. “And you don’t think that’s because Jesse was replacing that other person?”
“Not at all.” He reached over the small table and touched my arm. “Listen to me. Yes, you’ve got a lot of grief to work through. And yes, you’re still going to be hurting for Sean for a long time. But for God’s sake, don’t let that blind you to what you’re feeling for Jesse.”
“Jesse, I love you.” The words had tumbled off my lips, unexpected but sincere.
Jesse had halted. The second he’d turned to face me, my heart had sunk lower than I’d thought possible, and lower still when he’d shaken his head. “No, you don’t.”
“Jesse . . .”
He’d put up a hand. “I know you care about me, but you’re not in love with me. You’re in love with something that feels better than that empty spot where Sean used to be.” There’d been no malice in the words. They hadn’t been meant to hurt, simply to state—sadly and softly—a fact. “I don’t want you to be lonely, and God knows I don’t want you to be in pain from losing him. But I can’t be him. And I can’t be with someone who needs someone else.”
The memory made my eyes sting. No matter how many times I’d heard those words in my head, followed by the click—not slam—of my front door, they still hurt. They hurt bad. And I couldn’t compare the pain of losing Sean to Jesse. It was like comparing a broken rib to a tooth in desperate need of a root canal. Both hurt like hell in their own ways, and when they were at their most intense, they each seemed like the worst pain ever. The pain of one didn’t negate—or have a damned thing to do with—the other.
I released a ragged breath. “I don’t know what I feel anymore. And even if I do figure it out, I’m pretty sure Jesse’s done with me.”
“Have you thought about—”
“I’ve thought about talking to him every minute of every day since he left.”
The unspoken question hung in the air. So why haven’t you?
Because it hurt too much to watch him go once.
Because I’m scared I’ll hurt him more than I already have.
Because I don’t know if I can honestly tell him I’m ready to be in love with him.
Scott blew out a breath. “Look, I know this is hard, and facing him isn’t going to be easy. But if you don’t tell him everything you just told me, I have a feeling you’re going to regret it for a long time.”
I closed my eyes. Wasn’t like I could argue with him, but that was hardly enough to magically give me the courage to face the man I’d hurt. “I know I should. I . . . I mean, what if I’m not ready for something with him? It’s just so . . .” I cleared my throat, but it did nothing to steady my voice. “It’s too soon. Sean’s barely been gone a year.”
“You’ve been grieving for longer than a year, though.”
I eyed him. “What?”
“You didn’t start grieving the day Sean died,” Scott said softly. “You started the day he was diagnosed.”
I stared down at the pine-needle-covered boards beneath our feet.
“You can let yourself grieve for Sean,” he went on, “and still let yourself be in love with Jesse.”
“Except he’s so worried about not being enough for me. Because he isn’t Sean.” I wiped my eyes, long past caring if Scott noticed. “And I don’t know if I can be what he needs, you know? Because I’ve got so much shit to—”
“Garrett.” His voice was firmer now, but not hostile or chastising. “You’re an amazing guy. Any man would be lucky to have you. The fact that you’re going through hell doesn’t change that.” He put a hand on mine and squeezed. “You’re still climbing out of all that grief, and you will be for a long time, but you’re still you. And take it from the man who’s known you longer than most people—if you’re half as good to Jesse as you were to Sean, you’ll be more than enough for him.”
With that, I broke.
Scott moved his chair closer and wrapped his arms around me, and I buried my face against his shoulder as the tears came harder than they had in a year. Dams broke inside me. I realized how much the loss of my husband still hurt, and how much I loved Jesse, and how badly I wanted both of them back in my world. One was gone forever, and the fear that the other was too cut me right to the bone. But did I have any right to ask him to come back when Sean’s absence was still more raw and painful than I’d realized?
When I’d collected myself, I drew back, wiping my eyes with a shaking hand. “How the hell do I even pull off another relationship right now? I’m a fucking wreck.”
“One day a time. Same as any of us.”
I coughed to get some breath moving. “And what about the things Courtney said . . . I mean, when she pointed out how similar Jesse is to Sean, I—”
“So what if he is?”
“I . . .” I had no answer.
“First, quit making excuses. You love him. You’re hurting for Sean, but you’re hurting for Jesse too. You can fix one of those, Garrett.”
I winced.
“Facing him won’t be easy, but neither will living without him.” He took my hand again. “And as far as what your sister-in-law said? Look, even if there are things about him that remind you of Sean, and even if that’s what attracted you to him, he’s not the same person.” He gave my hand a firm squeeze. “I suspect if you dig deep enough, you’ll find all the reasons you fell in love with him, and they won’t have anything to do with Sean.”
The words tore at the wounds I’d already been nursing. I’d been avoiding thinking about what had drawn me to Jesse and made me fall so hard for him, and Scott’s comment was like an incantation that turned all those things loose in my mind. The last couple of months flashed through my head, from the silly moments to the quiet ones. Jesse’s passion for everything from a card game to his job to me. His fearlessness and his sweetness.
Oh God. What did I do?
“You can fix this, Garrett,” Scott said as if he could read my thoughts. By now he probably could. “You just need to talk to him.”
“That’s easier said than done.”
“So is anything worth doing.”
“Point taken.” I exhaled. “I’m not going to lie—I’m terrified. And not just of talking to him. I’m scared of being with him.”
“You’re a widower,” he said softly. “I’d be surprised if you weren’t scared to be with someone new. Especially someone who, I’m assuming from things you’ve said before, has HIV.”
I blinked, but hell, I shouldn’t have been surprised Scott had been able to read between the lines. I sighed. “You know what’s crazy?”
“Hmm?”
“Most of the time, I don’t even think about him being positive. Except when . . .” My face burned.
“When, what?”
I stared out at the trees for a long moment, then took a deep breath. “Most of the time, it’s a nonissue. He’s taking medication that keeps it from . . . well, so it really doesn’t do anything to him. But then he had the flu a while ago, and it took me back to when Sean was sick. Ninety-nine percent of the time, I don’t think about it, but one cough and I’m scared out of my mind.” I sagged back in the chair, releasing a heavy breath. “Rationally I know it’s not what it was when we were growing up, but . . . for God’s sake, I’ve already lost Sean. I can’t . . .” I lowered my gaze, and my throat tightened as I tried to pull myself together enough to speak. “I can’t lose Jesse too.”
“Garrett. You already have.”
My head snapped up.
Scott looked me in the eyes, expression completely serious. “Of course, he’s still alive, but you’ve lost him. You were so scared of losing him, you went ahead and pushed him away.”
“More like I didn’t stop him from leaving.”
“And why did he leave?”
“I already told you.”
“That was rhetorical.” He sighed. “I’m serious. You’ve got to stop making excuses and just go get him back. You let your fear of losin
g him make you lose him anyway, and now you’re hurting just like you were afraid you would.”
Oh, wasn’t that an understatement.
“You can’t just avoid loving someone because you might lose them,” he went on. He studied me, then folded his hands in his lap. “Remember when Sean was really sick, and I came out to help on the weekends?”
I nodded. “Yeah, you were a lifesaver.”
A smile flickered across his lips. “Well, when I was there one weekend, his mom pulled me aside. And she told me what her biggest fear was.”
I raised my eyebrows.
Scott locked eyes with me. “The thing that scared her the most while Sean was sick was that something would happen to you.”
I blinked. “What?”
“She was terrified, Garrett. Absolutely terrified you’d get into a car accident or something—anything—would happen and take you away from Sean when he needed you the most. She knew she was losing her son and that there was nothing she could do, but she prayed every single day that he didn’t lose you.”
I stared at him.
“Because she knew Sean needed you and that you loved him. I know your in-laws have said a lot of shit over the years, but when it counted?” He swallowed. “His mom knew. And she was terrified he would lose you because—and this is the important part—nothing is guaranteed for any of us. Any of us could live to be a hundred or be run over by a truck on our way to the grocery store. One of us could get cancer like Sean did or take a bullet like Nathan. You just don’t know. All you know is who you have right now. Which means every minute we’re sitting here talking is one less minute you’re with the man you so obviously love.” Scott’s brow pinched. “Do you want to waste your life worrying that he might be gone? Or do you want to enjoy every single minute you have with him just like Sean enjoyed them all with you?”
A comment about how Sean definitely didn’t enjoy every minute stopped at the tip of my tongue. Even those minutes when we’d been fighting or I’d been a pain in the ass were minutes I’d have sold my soul to have back. Struggling with my composure, I leaned over and hugged him again. “Thank you. I needed this.”
