“Today, we are mourning the life of a woman who meant everything to us. We are celebrating the life of a woman who meant everything to a lot of people. To some of us, she was a mother. To others, she was an aunt, a sister, or a friend. She never held her tongue and always told you the truth, no matter if it hurt your feelings, and if you wanted to fight about it, she wouldn’t back down from you, either.”
The people in the audience all laughed when he said that.
“Yes, she was a strong, strong woman and she will be dearly missed. Let us not forget what this means, though. We all know that this life that we live here is just a test to determine where we spend our next lives. We know that Irma May Sutton is not still in the shell inside this casket. We know that she is somewhere full of joy and happiness. Somewhere far from pain. Far from the craziness that is going on in this city. She is beyond those pearly gates with our savior. The place where, I hope, that all of us want to be some day. Now is not the time to be selfish and follow your own path. We all have a purpose and Miss Sutton surely filled her Godly purpose while she was here on Earth. She did everything God told her to do and changed lives because of it. Now, we can follow our own path and end up in a place that God forbids or we can be obedient and follow his path for us. Is it your choice? Yes. But understand that God loves us so much that he would allow us to go to hell. It's free will. But there is a price or a reward to pay for it all.”
It rained hard as we rode to the burial site, and it was fitting for it to be that way. Big Mama loved the rain. She said on the day she gets buried; she wants rain from heaven to fall on all of us. I didn’t understand why but I took it as a sign that God heard her and gave her what she wanted. The words the pastor spoke resonated in my heart as I rode in the back of the hearse with Uncle Stew. I thought about the revenge that was buried deep in my heart for Big Tuck. I knew that wasn’t God’s plan for my life, but then I looked at Big Mama and how she just died of cancer. If that was God’s plan for me, then I didn’t want that either. The thunder roared in the sky as if it was Big Mama disagreeing with me. I laughed, she always had a way to get to me. Even beyond the grave. Uncle Stew grabbed my hand and squeezed it as we approached the graveyard.
“You ready?”
I nodded my head in agreement as they opened the door for us to get out. He held an umbrella over me as we walked to the site. I saw Shaunie and Vincent standing not too far away from us. I waved for them to come closer to us, but they shook their heads. I guess they just wanted to respect the family and let us have our moment alone. Before I knew it, Uncle Stew walked over and grabbed both of them by the hand and led them over to where we stood. I told Uncle Stew about Vinny. About how he reminded Big Mama of him when he was gone, and it was like immediately after that, Uncle Stew took him in as his little brother. I figured it was his way of thanking Vinny for filling his spot while he was gone and filling that void in Big Mama’s life. It was that reason alone that he didn’t mind Vinny staying at Big Mama’s house with us.
“If he was that close to y’all, then the boy is family. Shaunie, too,” he said when I explained everything to him. Lightening lit up the sky as we all stood by the casket, watching them lower Big Mama into the ground. I walked away from them and stood in the rain as they slowly dropped her down to the ground. I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer but at least, while I stood in the rain, nobody would know I was crying. Nobody would know the pain that I was feeling right now, and that is all that mattered. A new chapter in my life was about to begin, and only God knew how it was going to end.
Chapter 14
It had been a little over a week since Big Mama’s funeral. The grieving period was still thick in the house, but we were maintaining the best we could.
“Got-damn, Lyric. That’s the third time you threw up this morning. You good?”
I was bent over the toilet in the bathroom as Vinny watched me from the door. I threw up one more time.
“Fuck. I wish I was. Shit,” I answered.
He grabbed a towel and threw it on my back so I could grab it when I was finished.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m pregnant, Vinny.” I stood up and leaned over the sink, wiping my mouth with the towel.
“Pregnant? Shit! When this happen?”
“A few weeks ago.”
“Word? With that new nigga, you fuckin’ with? Nas? The nigga that look like Junie?”
I wiped my mouth again, “Yeah, that’s him.”
“Damn. That nigga is a fool, though. I heard about him.”
“What you hear?”
“That nigga is movin’ weight through the city. Like, some heavy shit.”
I turned to look at him, “Yeah. That’s what I heard, too.”
I walked past him as he stood in the doorway. Vinny seemed to fit right into what we had going on at Big Mama’s house. Uncle Stew worked at a soup kitchen downtown for a couple hours a day, and it brought in a little money, but if it wasn’t for Vinny, there was no way we could have maintained anything with the house. I was doing shows, so that helped out as well. We were doing good.
Big Mama’s room stayed the way it did when I cleaned up her room a few days before she passed away. People that came to visit her in the hospital left flowers and balloons and things like that. We took them and decorated her room with them. When the balloons lost helium, we tacked them to the walls. It was a surreal memorial for her inside her own home. It really was the quietest room in the whole house. I’d fallen asleep on the floor in there a few times, and it felt as if she was right there in the room with me. It was kind of spooky at first, but that only lasted a short time. Right after that, I was calmed by that same feeling.
I walked back into my room just as my phone lit up with a text message from Nas: Whassup. Yo, I set up a show for you. Hit me up.
That was the last thing I wanted to hear right now. I just got done throwing up everything I had for breakfast and performing for anybody wasn’t on my agenda, but this was for Nas. If it was in my power to do it, I’d do it without a doubt. I called him.
“Whassup baby?”
“Whats good. You sick?”
I coughed, “Nah, I’m straight. Whassup?”
“Aight. Well, I got a show for you to do this Friday. I know yo’ Big Moms just passed and shit but are you up for it?”
I wasn’t, “Yeah, I’m good for it.”
“Aight, bet. I have been keepin’ some eyes on Big Tuck’s hoes. One of them will be there fa sho. It’s at Onyx. I’ll point her out to you and shit when we get there.”
“Aight, word.”
“Cool. Shit, you aight though? Everything good?”
“Everything straight.”
“Aight, mama. I’ll holla at you later then.”
“Aight.”
He hung up the phone. I sat on my bed, wondering if I should tell him the truth. I knew that if I said that to him and that baby came out looking nothing like him, it would cause so many problems between us. I didn’t want to risk losing him, and I knew that would probably push him over the edge and away from me. I rubbed my stomach as I looked at one of the pamphlets I got from the doctor. I opened the one that was titled, Your Baby is Growing and flipped to the 5-week mark.
Congratulations! Your baby is 1/4th the size of your finger! That’s right, if you go into your kitchen and take a pea out of one of your cans, you would be looking at a life-size representation of your baby at this moment!
I laughed and tossed the pamphlet down. I couldn’t believe that something so small was causing so much drama in my stomach. Laying back on my bed, I started to think about abortion clinics. No, I thought to myself, I couldn’t do that. The next best thing to that was adoption, but I couldn’t imagine going nine months with a life growing inside of me just to give it away after all the pain. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place as I closed my eyes. I wondered what Big Mama would say to me right now. No, I didn’t have to wonder, I knew what she would say.
&nbs
p; “Listen here; you’re going to have that baby, and you’re not giving it away, either. If it was that easy, I'd tell you this, you, yo’ mama and yo’ uncle would not be here because I would’ve given both of my children away. There comes a time in life when you just have to face the music. It’s not that baby’s fault that it’s here. Not at all.”
She would have threatened me on top of that without a doubt. Even then, I couldn’t face the fact that this baby could be the product of rape. I couldn’t bring myself to accept that possibility and that alone made me went to get rid of it. I ran my hand across my stomach again as the urge to throw up came back stronger than before. I barely made it to the bathroom.
Chapter 15
Onyx was a night club on Milwaukee’s north side. It was large enough to hold concerts, but there were areas of the club that were set aside for regular nights when people just came out to drink and have a good time. I came through the back entry where Nas was standing, waiting for me to show up. He was dressed in all black with a thick gold chain, 80’s rap style. He had on dark shades that made him look even more appealing than he usually did to me. He kissed me on the lips when I showed up,
“Whassup, mama? You ready?”
“I’m ready.”
The bass from the speakers vibrated the walls as we went down the hallway and into one of the dressing rooms. Loc and a few other men followed right behind us with cold, hard stares, silently warning everyone not to come near us. He sat me down on the chair as the music bumped on the stage.
“Now, you remember what you here for, right? The chick is out there right now. I’ma point her out to you when we get on stage.”
“Aight.”
“You sure you cool with doing this?”
“Baby, I’m good.”
“Cool, cool. We on in a minute. Just chill right here, though, I’ma be right back.”
He left the room with two of the men. Loc stayed behind in the room with me; his cold stare never left his grill. My desire to rap was fading as the weeks went by. My focus was shifting to Nas and him only. I fantasized about bein’ the bitch right on his side when he went into the drug game. I knew I held Junie back from doing it, but I was more afraid for him. I knew he didn’t have the mentality that was needed to get in the drug game like that, but with Nas? I never once thought that he couldn’t handle himself. His demeanor said everything that words couldn’t say about him and that is what I was drawn to. Outside of the fact that he reminded me of Junie, I knew he could handle himself. Moments later, he walked back into the room and announced,
“Aight, shit. We up.”
When we got to the stage, we stood right behind the curtains. Nas pulled me to the side and whispered in my ear the best he could, “There she goes right there. The bitch with the red dress on sitting at the bar.”
Around the curtain, I peeked to get a better view. There she was. Thick as hell with a long ass weave in her hair. She looked like somebody who fucked with a drug dealer. Hood as hell, and I saw that just by looking at her.
“You know how to bag her?”
“Shit, I been around bitches like that before. I’m good. I don't need any tips.”
He laughed, “Shit, my bad. Aight, do yo’ thing then, mama.”
He went on stage and seconds later he introduced me to the crowd. Everybody yelled when I showed up on the stage. Even though I was getting tired of the rap game, it was still a surreal moment to hear everybody chanting my name in unison. Nas brought the beat back, and I flowed, the audience was vibing to me with their hands in the air. It was all love. I kept an eye on Big Tuck’s chick throughout the set. I had to find a way to see if she was down with fuckin’ with a female the way I wanted her to. I told Nas to stop spinning the record.
“Hold up, Nas. For this next song, I need to ask a question to the ladies. How many of y’all are tired of niggas fuckin’ with yo’ heart?”
Half of the females raised their hands yelling, “Hell yeah!”
“Aight, aight. Now, how many of y’all wouldn’t mind tryin’ some shit out with another female? I mean, where my freaky ass bitches at?”
The same group raised their hand, and I looked at the back towards the bar where Big Tuck’s chick was sitting. She raised her hand to the last question and briefly we made eye contact. It was all I needed.
“You, with the red dress and the fat ass. Come up here!”
It took her a while before she realized I was talking to her.
“Yeah, you! What you lookin’ around for? There ain’t nobody else in here with a red dress and a fat ass like that. Come up here.”
The crowd paused and turned around to look at who I was talking to. She finally got up and made her way to the stage. I thought back to all the females that tried to hit on me when I was stripping in Chicago. I knew what to say to her. Most women loved when another woman was aggressive with them. I took notes and pulled her closer to me when she got on stage.
I whispered into the mic, “So, you gonna’ let me taste that kitty?”
She put her hand over her mouth, shocked that I said that on stage. The audience went crazy, urging her to say yes to me. I smiled.
“Come on… I promise I won’t bite you… I mean, unless you want it to happen.”
I looked over at Nas as he smiled, shaking his head in approval of what I was doing. I cued him to hit the next track. It was a freaky ass song I wrote back in the day for Junie, but I just switched some of the words to tailor it for a female. She ate that shit up like Sunday dinner, and that’s all it took. I told her to meet me in the back after the show so we could talk some more before she left the stage. That’s all it took for me to get in and set the ball in motion.
After my set, I went backstage to our room. Nas was right behind me,
“Damn, baby. You almost had me jealous up there and shit the way you was grabbin’ on her.”
“Don’t play me, nigga, you know you were gettin’ turned on.”
He laughed, “Maybe I was, shit.”
“I know.”
“Yeah, but that shit was dope, though. She comin’ back here?”
“Yeah.”
“Bet. Well, let me get out yo’ way then, you know what I’m saying?”
He stood up and pulled me to my feet, grabbing a handful of my ass while he kissed me. “I’ma leave Man-Man here with you just in case you need him, aight?”
“That’s cool.”
“Aight. Holla at me later after all the shit gets settled.”
“Ok.”
He left with three of his guys, and Man-Man stood by the door. Man-Man was short and skinny. He didn’t look like the security type, but from what Nas told me, he had a handful of bodies on him. He knew how to kill and get away with it flawlessly. It didn’t take long for Big Tuck’s chick to make her way to the back area. She came alone with a drink in her hand. Man-Man stepped to the side to let her through. I stood up as she walked towards me seductively. Her lips were just as thick as she was. She came and sat down in front of me, crossing one of her legs over the other, exposing most of her thigh to me. I didn’t like women, but for now, I had to play the part. This was not just for Nas; this was for Junie. I put them in my head, and that made it easier for me to go along with the charade.
“So, Miss Suzie Rock. I never knew you were into women.”
I sat down next to her, pulling my chair closer. “I’ll just say I’m curious, you know? I mean, I’m tired of niggas right now. I figured I might as well see what it’s like to be with a woman.”
“Oh? So, why me?”
“Look at you. I mean, shit, do I actually need to tell you why? You are fine as fuck. Thick as hell. You seem like you are a freak. Am I wrong? Did I get the wrong bitch?”
She laughed, running her hands through her hair before answering, “No, not at all. I’m definitely the right bitch.”
“Aight, good.”
“But… there is one thing,” she said.
“What’s that?”
&nb
sp; “I’m kind of talkin’ to somebody right now. I mean, it’s an open relationship or whatever and by the looks of it,” she looked me up and down, “he might not mind if you joined the party.”
“Shit, you trying to share me already?”
“No. I mean, that’s later. If we even get to that point. I just wanted to put all the cards on the table, you know?” She smiled.
“Yeah, I know. That’s cool. Let’s just cross that bridge if we get there. For now, I want to get to know you.”
I leaned in closer to her, rubbing her breast as I kissed her on her lips. She giggled. “Alright, that’s cool. I’ll give you my number, and we can go from there.”
She gave me her name and number. Keyonna Chambers. I watched her walk out the room before I got up and went to Man-Man. I tapped him on his shoulder, and we both left the club. As we drove back to Nas’s house, I thought about how good it would be to kill Big Tuck. Nothing was sweeter than revenge, and I had been waiting for this chance for almost a year. At the same time, there was no way that I could go through with this pregnancy. I couldn’t keep up this act with my stomach getting bigger. As we drove through the inner city, we passed a number of abortion clinics that I knew were strategically placed in the hood for population control. I knew it wasn’t the best choice, but then again, I didn’t really have another option.
We finally pulled up to Nas’s crib. Man-Man put his hand across me, keeping me inside the car. “Wait here,” he said as he got out, looking up and down the block and around the car before he went to my side and let me out. They took every precaution with me like I was the queen and I appreciated it. I guess it was something Nas told them to do whenever I came around. I looked for him in the house, but he wasn’t there. Loc stood in the kitchen and I walked up to him. He didn’t say a word, he just opened the back door and led me to the backyard. I followed the pathway to the back where his dogs were. I didn’t hear them at all when I walked down the path. Loc took me to the garage where he was. The dogs were tied up nearby as Nas sat in a chair. When I came in, my eyes bucked open in horror. A man was tied up to a chair, completely naked and beaten.
Queen of the City Page 11
