by Ann Patty
That said, truly I do not regret one minute that I spent online with John. He taught me a lot about a lot. For a long time there was not one day I did not think about John. Yes, truly, I was that obsessed. And I could not let go of us. He made a huge impact on my life. He helped define me, my wants, and how I value others.
One of my girlfriends mused that John was my 'transition' boyfriend. She was right. I'm much more savvy to who and want I want out of any future relationship. John help remind me of what I won't tolerate. Sex clouds a relationship, and I let it obscure my judgment of John's commitments. Just because someone romances you once, even mind-f*cking you, it doesn't mean they can do so ongoing. I should never continued to allow my self indulgence either.
If we were ever to meet, mixed emotions would certainly penetrate me. Given enough time, however, I will feel nothing but affection for what we once had together.
Lovers Pet Names
It is typical that when you are a couple with a person, you attach each other cute nicknames. The term “With” in the online status world is relative. It forms an attribute that is neither here nor there. Yet, it makes us Online Lovers feel a sense of endearment. “Love” in endearing terms are another way we hold fast to what our interpretation or sense of ‘real’ is.
Nonetheless, all the atypical pet names begun to get used even in our written formats. So here it goes:
Honey
Darling
Sweetheart
Ugh.....Sh*t I can't remember anymore!
Is this sad? Or just a piece of growing up and away from an online relationship?
Now here was a new one on me. John introduced me to the term and concept: Anam Cara.
Let's default to the definition in Wikipedia (thank you!):
The phrase anam cara refers to a Gaelic term translated literally as "soul friend."
"The anam cara was a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life. This friendship was an act of recognition and belonging. When you had an anam cara, your friendship cut across all convention and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the friend of your soul."
This concept fit. Tight like a Tupperware top. So John and I adapted the terms Anam Cara for our pet names. John became Aron Anam, which used partial of his real name.
As Aron = teacher, and Anam = soul. So Aron Anam = teacher soul. My adaption was Cara Ann. Cara = friend and Ann = gracious. So Cara Ann = friend gracious.
We adopted other trivial pet names, however Anam & Cara became our main stay. Now there was one more twist in our story. John believed we were twin flames. A Twin Flame or Twin Soul, is believed to be the ultimate soul mate of its other half. A male's energy to its counterpart female energy.
Eons ago when we incarnated on earth each of us was stripped of our other half. We spend lifetimes either with- or in search of our soul mate. Once we finally connect up we have completed our cycle and get to go home.
This concept merits thought. Whether we are heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, bisexual, it does not matter. In our primary state we each know we are basically male or female. As such we are constantly looking for the yin to our yang. Or, literally the other half of our soul. The thought here is that we only have one twin. Theory says after being split in two, each went their separate way.
This sounds painful, so why does this happen? We incarnate over and over (in past lives) to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, two twin flames can meet up once again in both of their last lifetimes on the earth. Thus they are rewarded by ascending together. Generally most of us have not had many lifetimes with our twin. Apparently when you meet your other half there is a resonance, or like-kind friction.
After John and I wrote and experienced a number of incredible old soul-energy feats he was convinced we were twin flames. Admittedly I love the idea of twin souls re-emerging to go home. Personally this planet makes me dog tired. The thought of a repeat performance does not sound enticing. I'd like to go home for good.
Yet, there were too many parallels in John and my lives that were a bit too uncanny to ignore.
~ ♥ ~ We both were born in Seattle; John lived in Alki until 10 years old; Me on Queen Anne until 5 years old at which time at the same approximate time we both moved away.
~ ♥ ~ We both lived across from our kindergarten/elementary schools.
~ ♥ ~ We both 'grew up' with Catholicism.
~ ♥ ~ We both 'grew up' in large families.
~ ♥ ~ We both last worked in a government education settings where we allowed[?] ourselves to become physically impaired in sort of the same manner. He got serious hernias. I had a mole removed—more like gutted from me. Both injuries required stitches on our abdomens.
~ ♥ ~ It is no coincidence John's first wife was bipolar. Therefore he understood my condition.
~ ♥ ~ We both sleep in a t-shirt and underwear/shorts . . . okay to much to know here!
~ ♥ ~ Our ideas on spiritually are a match.
~ ♥ ~ We LOVE nature, the mountains and all including the solace found within.
~ ♥ ~ We are gifted writers, finding and weaving words that inspire and give promise.
~ ♥ ~ We both like the same type of foods to eat. Things a chipmunk would eat.
~ ♥ ~ We both believe in the magic of the earth, the planets, and the infinite love of our Creators.
~ ♥ ~ John loved horses. I owned them.
~ ♥ ~ John is near sighted with a misshapen eyeball; I am far sighted, also with a misshapen eyeball.
~ ♥ ~ Our birthdays are 11 days apart. The number 11 equates with twin identities.
~ ♥ ~ Unreal in performance our 30 year marriages were a parallel. Otherwise we would not have found each other.
What are the odds of these coincidences?? Certainly, I like the idea of having my twin out there waiting for me. But, truly any twin of mine would have certainly made an all out effort to come meet me. No excuses.
You know we will never really know if we are soul twins, or not, unless me meet. That would be the first test. Then a birth certificate is needed, so we could check both our birth times. Although John said his time didn't get recorded on the county records. Astrologically the twin concept could be checked this way. However, even if we did meet and feel ‘the synergy’ the only truth would be once we both went home to heaven. Little chance of all this now.
From all that I have read most time soul twins do not incarnate together and if they do there is a higher purpose for humanity. Their union should not be romanticized because it is one of service and work.
The other thing is since soul twins are so very much alike there is friction. There is an immediacy to clear up past karma so twins can be of service to a higher humanitarian purpose. I'll tell you what if John and I should ever meet, we have some serious issues to clear up.
Look at us we met online because we were both in not-so-good of marriages. Right there that is not healthy. I am not ashamed for what I did. It was a choice. I had fun. Well, right up to the end.
And how do we know we are not NEAR twins instead of the REAL twins? Perhaps we both were put in place to help the other on their true path. In a world of 6 billion souls I am sure there are a million souls that cover this job just the same. Certainly a few million others have the same attributes as we do.
It could be that we are indeed TWINS but still our purpose was to set each other on own highest paths. Personally if that is the case I think that would be one bad ass cruel karmic joke.
Pause to wonder here. For John and I to find one another; and for us both to be closet writers with a timely message that is remarkable. Then for all the physical similarities we had this stands to merit more thought. Why did the universe line up so many coincidences? Fate intervened to bring us together and bring us lessons. Seems so tidy. Perhaps a reach through time will reveal more gifts for us both.
Dear God; I'm old. I want to go home. It's okay if John don't go with me. But can you put a g
ood looking stand in; even a near or real twin, in his place? And, maybe that is IT too.
Perhaps it was only about the soul introductions that John shared with me. Per chance he planted seeds only in my psyche. Thoughts to help me on the path to who and where I am suppose to go. And, that is a very good deed, indeed!
Online Lovers Letters
There comes a time when Online Lovers write deep, passionate love letters. At least we did. Both of us are creative writers who liked to stretch the outer bounds of our sensuality. Some of our—rather MY emails are displayed here. After a couple knows each other explicitly there is one thing left to explore > our sexuality, namely erotica.
Neither of us had a captive audience prior to meeting. Therefore weaving words cleverly into intimately harrowing scenarios challenged our other half to follow suit. The thrill of validation was when the return reply landed in my In box.
What follows are some of the emails that I wrote to my Online Lover. Some show character and wisdom. A few tell readers how horny we got. A poem or two are written with style, actually have class. Some might share a lesson or a simple thought. One gives pause to wonder. And all lets one see into the whereabouts of my psyche. Consider this a Whitman's sampler of sorts.
Please read cautiously. Some of these writings are brutal pornographic. Remember perspective. These are only words strung together to enable your brain to complete the picture for your mind's eye. Enjoy!
~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~
SUBJECT: Pleasure Me
From: Ann
To: John Carter
Date: Tue, Oct 13, 2009 at 8:58 PM
Pleasure Me
I want to…..
Lick between your toes and suck on them.
Blow in your ear, then place my wet tongue inside.
Roam your neck and smell your aura essence.
Have your breathe upon my womb, your head upon my belly.
Your body molded to mine from behind, cupping my breasts, your stiff rod presses into my back. Take me from behind.
Your nose and lips buried into my neck, your breathing is of longing.
No words, just feel, intention, desire, teaching me by guiding me in what you need and want.
Your lips graze past mine teasing, barely touching.
Consume your aura being, completely devouring it a layer at a time.
Have your accomplished hands on my round ass pulling me into and down on your manhood.
Place the palm of your hand in the small of my back as I ride you.
Sense your lips brush by my ear yet say nothing.
Slide your beard (yes your beard!) up the calf of my leg while you hold it in your hands.
Your hot sweet tongue laps at my nipples, sucks hard, and flicks with your tongue.
Your lips encircle my belly button then lick inside, and press your cheek on top.
You to exhale hotly upon my inner thigh, teasingly nuzzle my vagina with your nose, then tongue.
Tease, and taunt, approach and retreat, and burn me with orgasmic desire, leave me wanting for more.
I want you to explore every orifice, curve, recess, mound, and appendage with your tongue, lips, hands, penis, toes, fingers, nose, eyes, ears....as I do the same in return....
I want us to climb out of our physical bodies and soar to the moon, stars and sun and not come back.
Love, Your Cara Ann
~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~
SUBJECT: I Always Thought...
From: Ann
To: John Carter
Date: Wed, Oct 14, 2009 at 10:02 AM
I Always Thought….
That a marriage should be a union of trinity: equal parts lover, husband, and best friend.
That a marriage should grow stronger with age and years as you become acquainted with the inner soul of your spouse. All those hurts, hidden secrets, insecurities, self made deficiencies, idiosyncrasies, and behaviors that your partner trusts you to see and know would bond you tighter, and not become a wedge.
That a marriage should be held sacred, and above all a sanctuary of refuge, hope, and eternal giving. That a man and a woman’s union should be the strongest link in a family unit, their love even comes before their love for their offspring, a product of their love.
That marriage was made for a man and woman to revel in their sexually without limits, judgments, restraints, shoulds, have toos, dos or don’ts.
That partners of this union could renew themselves daily with a small gesture of love. A touch, a kind word, a surprise, a love poem, or a look.
That each partner was equal—not placed above the other, but respected as the other.
That partners could say anything at all, communicate without having a door closed off, emotions sabotaged, but just listened too and validated for having human thoughts, feelings, emotions, wants, needs, passions, and desires, and encouraged to bear their souls.
That a marriage relationship is not about being jealous, controlling, possessive, demanding or restraining and above all never, ever manipulative or mean. That independence of a mate is nurtured, fostered then set free. Only then can two spirits become united as one.
That marriage is about 100% trust on all levels; physical, emotional, and spiritual.
That marriage allows each partner to grow at different rates and when one person grows the other is not only happy for them, but joyfully delighted. And, this growth can be openly discussed without condemnation, or having the need to tether their partner’s spirit back. That two Anam Caras understand deeply that their own ascension helps soar their soul mates to a higher level too.
My dear Mo Anam Cara John, you give me hope that this actually exists.
~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~
SUBJECT: The 4 Codes
From: Ann
To: John Carter
Date: Tue, Oct 20, 2009 at 10:09 AM
The Four Codes
I give my heart and love to you so you may go.
I truly forgive all trespasses that I believed were intended to damage me.
I understand now your spiritual gifts, your legacy you leave me with.
Our lives together was rich in purpose; in our growth, and in our Creator's children we bore.
I release your body, mind, and soul in its entirety. Do not look back, only forward, and only in the now.
Go with peace my friend. Go with Love.
~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~
SUBJECT: One Soul
From: Ann
To: John Carter
Date: Tue, Oct 27, 2009 at 10:16 PM
One Soul
Once in a sojourn, with the help of our Creator, a soul mate,
—an Anam Cara—is re-birthed.
This union couples male to female to reemerge as one.
Together this energy spontaneously ignites combusting into a single 'twin flame'.
No beginning and no end the two are now indissoluble.
No thought too redundant, no action to small.
Intimacies of the heart shared; the essence is truth.
Spirits become one body; both minds melt to soul.
Like a breeze sailing inside solar flares: eternal.
Liquid as the wind; liberated as astral dust: free.
Lingering reflections bridge, to create realities: new worlds.
Strength is sown in humiliation and exposure of weaknesses.
In the light of the Gods the flame grows deep.
The Goddess emerges potent as sage; femininity soars.
A foundation secured by Zeus blazes a new path.
This union bound by contract is now fulfilled.
Reciprocity owed to their Creator is honored, with delight.
The long journey home has begun.
~ ♥ ~ )O( ~ ♥ ~
SUBJECT: Laid Back
From: Ann
To: John Carter
Date: Mon, Nov 2, 2009 at 5:07 PM
Laid Back
Your body laid back, leisurely stretches out your full length upon the topside of my bed. M
y body rests beside you on my right side. We are head to toe. I lightly finger between your toes running up and down the valleys between each one. The tip of my index finger dances delicate circles across the top of your right foot, and then travels up around your ankle. Two fingers caress small loops at the joint where your lower leg meets your foot. With brushing strokes my fingers float across the length of your foot, to the tip of your big toe, and back again.
My face is near, so I scoot closer burying my nose into the tender bottom edge of your foot. Nuzzling into you, your male scent awakens me. Flipping and running my nose up then down the underside of your sole, my lips brush a touch at each up encounter. My lips part, my tongue emerges forward to contact skin. Saliva enables it to slip along your foot up to your little toe. My tongue finds a trail that traverses along familiar peaks and ravines. It slides up, over, down, then up again, repeating this journey and comes to rest at your big toe. My lips pucker open to expose the warm recesses that envelope your large toe mount inside. Softly suckling, wet and warm, you are buried deep inside. My tongue works its way around, over, under, and on top. The recesses of my mouth entomb you in juices. Pulling back slipping your appendage out, my lips break suction. A thread string of saliva continues to connect us.
