by Mary May
“I don’t want anyone touching me and that includes you! Are you too stupid to understand that?”
“Oh, I must be stupid alright!” Charlie muttered as she stomped down one hall after another. “I swear, the day I know he isn’t going to die on me, I’m going to punch him right in the face again! Note to self, practice my right hook.” She was so engrossed in her fantasy of popping Nate a good one that she didn’t see Mac, along with his cart, step out of a room directly in front of her.
“Whoa there, Charlie! Where are you going in such a hurry?” After looking at the thundercloud that was Charlie’s face, Mac grinned. “Uh oh, I know that look; someone is about to get socked a good one. Sure hope it’s not me!” Charlie shook her head.
“No, of course it’s not you. It’s Nate! At least it’s his body; I don’t think the Nate I know and love is in there anymore.”
Mac leaned against his cart and opened a package of gum, offering Charlie a piece.
“Gum? Did you work up from tissue fairy to gum fairy?”
Smiling, Mac shrugged. “Maybe. So what’s going on with Nate? Is he in the ‘why me stage’ or ‘I would be better off dead’ stage?”
Charlie’s blue eyes flashed with irritation as she chewed her gum furiously. “Neither! He is in the, I’m going to make everyone that comes near me miserable stage!”
Mac chewed his gum thoughtfully and very methodically, slowly folding the small wrapper into perfect tiny squares.
“Is that a fact? Well, he has skipped some stages then.”
Charlie rolled her eyes. “You mean they have an order? Is there a list I can buy so I’ll know just what stage of pain in my behind he is going to be in next?”
That made Mac snort in laughter.
“Oh, Charlie, there’s that sass I knew was in there. To answer your: yes, there are some basic stages that the seriously life altering wounded seem to go through. Typically it’s denial, anger, why me, I would be better off dead; then it’s I’m miserable so everyone else should be, too. But there is no law that says they have to follow that order.”
“Great, so it looks like Nate is following the surprise me order. I swear, Mac, he is acting as snarly as a wolf with its foot caught in a trap. He won’t let anyone near him even though we are trying to help.”
When Mac didn’t reply, she looked up to see him looking at her with his head cocked. Feeling her shoulders slump, she let the bulk of her anger drain away. “He is probably acting like that because he is like a wolf with its foot caught, huh?”
“I would think their situations would be real comparable. He is in pain, both physical and, even worse, the emotional pain and the uncertainty of what his future holds. His whole world changed in a flash, Charlie. So has yours, but not quite like Nate’s has. Everything changed from his career to his ability to walk and see; even his own reflection isn’t the same anymore.”
“But I’m the same, Mac, I haven’t changed! I still love him with all my heart. Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Sure, it does, but it’s also part of the problem in Nate’s eyes. You see, Charlie, you are still beautiful and whole. Nate will most likely feel that you deserve better than someone like him, someone who isn’t…damaged. I’m not talking about the physical damage, although he will think about that as well; I’m talking about the internal damage. The wounds you can’t see. Pushing you away will feel like the right thing for him to do, although it means it’s one more thing he’ll be losing.”
Charlie turned to look out of the window. “I’ve already thought of that. But I don’t want anyone else. I want Nate. I honestly don’t think my heart would ever accept another. So, what do I do? How do I convince him of that?”
Mac started pushing his cart on down the hallway, but he stopped long enough to answer. “It’s not Nate you have to convince, sweet girl; it’s that wolf!”
The next day Charlie walked into Nate’s room feeling full of hope and optimism. She was surprised when he wasn’t in the room. Panic set in as she whirled around and ran down to the nurse’s station. “Where’s Nate? He isn’t in his room? Did something happen?”
The nurse smiled as she shook her head. “Hey, Charlie! No, nothing happened. Nate has been taken to another area to have his burns scrubbed.”
Charlie felt her stomach turn over. “Burns scrubbed? Is that code for something? They are not actually scrubbing his burns, are they?” The very thought made her nauseous.
“Unfortunately, yes, they have to remove the dead skin as it builds up to prevent infection and encourage new skin growth and healing. I won’t lie; it’s very painful.”
“When did they take him back?” The nurse didn’t get a chance to answer because they heard the sound of the elevator doors opening and a bed being rolled out. Dr. Reed was walking behind the orderly who was pushing a sleeping Nate back into his room. He smiled slightly when Charlie approached him. Looking at him with eyes full of worry and concern, Charlie asked if everything was all right.
“Yes, as well as can be expected. The burns are healing slowly, and I’m afraid some of the deeper ones on his chest will require grafting.”
Gideon walked with Shana as Nate was wheeled back into his room. Shana’s face was creased with worry and Gideon did his best to boost her faith. Once they had Nate settled back in his room, the doctor left Charlie alone to sit with him until he woke up.
“I just feel so helpless, Gideon. I see Nate struggling with everything. There isn’t a single thing that is easy for him right now. I know he is taking so much of this out on poor Charlie. He is sinking lower and lower. I pray and I pray and try to administer my healing touch as much as I am allowed, but it seems to be totally ineffective. Plus we have that hell slug to deal with. What can I do, Gideon?”
Gideon did the only thing he could think to do to help calm her. He walked up and pulled Shana into a tight hug and just held her. He didn’t offer any words of wisdom because he didn’t have any. He simply held her tightly. After a few long minutes he felt her body start to relax. After a little while she pulled away, looking at him with a grateful smile.
“Thank you…how did you know that’s what I needed?”
Gideon smiled and shrugged. “I’ve seen humans do it quite a bit and it seems to be effective.”
“It is…surprisingly so.”
Shana walked over to the window, gazing out at the blue sky filled with wisps of white clouds. The hospital offered an ocean view, and she watched as people splashed in the surf or sprawled out on blankets under the blazing California sun. She felt remarkably calmer after Gideon’s fierce hug. It was a good thing she was an angel and not a human because he might have crushed her with his strong embrace; however, for her it was perfect. The feel of his strong arms holding her together and the steady thump, thump of his heart beating against her ear somehow drained away the anxious nervous feelings that had been her constant companion ever since the accident.
She had been speaking the truth when she told Gideon that Nate was not her first soldier that she had been assigned to. He was her fourth, in fact; however, none had been as badly wounded as Nate. The first actually died a swift death in battle, the second one only had minor wounds and the third was never wounded at all, dying an old man. So dealing with Nate’s trauma was a whole new experience for her and one she didn’t think she was handling very well. When the helicopter was hit and exploded in mid-air, she thought for sure that this assignment was over. But when she didn’t get the message to bring Nate home, she knew that while not over, the assignment had just changed drastically. Not being able to help Nate as he healed was so hard for her. She did what she could and prayed constantly, but it felt as if her prayers were stopping at the ceiling. Seeing him struggle with the simplest of tasks and receiving more and more bad news about his recovery had Nate emotionally at a very dangerous point.
Charlie tried so hard to be supportive of his needs, but most of the time he shut her out. That really surprised Shana. She knew more t
han anyone else just how much Nate truly loved Charlie, and for him to be so distant and cold to her was alarming. But what was even more alarming was how big and fat the bitter heart demon was becoming. Clearly he was being fed a rich steady diet of cold bitterness straight from Nate’s heart. Shana turned and looked at the disgusting reptilian-like demon. One day she would greatly enjoy sending that thing back into the pit.
A few days later the family was sitting in the waiting area. Nate’s physical condition was improving slowly, but emotionally and mentally he was about the same. Suddenly the door to Nate’s room was jerked opened and a teary-eyed Charlie came rushing out. Sabrina jumped up, chasing her down the hall. She finally caught her at the elevators.
“Honey, what happened?”
Charlie’s face when she looked at her was a mask of pain and misery. She stammered out what had happened. “Oh, mama, I don’t know what to do! I’ve tried everything, but…but… he keeps pushing me away. He just…just… told me to…to… leave and not…not… come back!”
Sabrina pulled her into her arms, hushing her softly. “Oh, baby, I know he didn’t mean it…Nate is hurting so much right now. He is releasing his pain the only way he knows how. Have you tried praying with him?”
Charlie looked up sharply at her mother. “Oh, yeah…that idea went over real well. Do you know what he said? He said he no longer believed there was a God and whatever beliefs I had drilled into my head belonged to you and dad and weren’t even my own.” She shoved her hand into her jeans pocket, looking for a tissue, muttering, “Where is Mac when you need him?” Giving up, she wiped her nose on her sleeve, looking at her mom with eyes swimming in tears.
“Baby, I know that hurt you, but please know that is the pain and the shock and probably a lot of medication talking right now. Nate does believe in God and more than that, he knows you do, too. Tell you what, why don’t you stay away for just a couple of days and let’s see how long his ‘don’t come back’ order lasts. I bet he will be asking for you by noon tomorrow.”
Shaking her head, Charlie looked at her mama with doubt. “I’m not holding my breath, I’m starting to believe he hates me.”
Sabrina sighed then led Charlie to a small waiting area that happened to be empty. Sitting down, she reached out and took both of Charlie’s hands into her own. “Do you remember when I said that you may become the enemy because of your faith? Nate sees you holding tight and he resents that. You are making him uncomfortable, most likely.”
Throwing her hands up in frustration, Charlie stepped away from Sabrina. “Then what do I do? Not talk about God? Not say that He will pull us through this? Mama, you’re asking me not to be me!”
Grabbing her daughter’s shoulders, Sabrina looked her firmly in the eye. “No, ma’am! I’m not telling you to stop being you! In fact keep it up! But you may have to be you somewhere else. Charlie, the old devil is having a field day with Nate’s heart and mind right now…He is the real enemy. Don’t ever forget that. There is another war taking place right now…one we can’t see but is just as real.”
That night Charlie tossed and turned in her bed. She couldn’t stop reliving the horrible scene in her head when Nate told her to get out.
“Babe, can I get you anything?” As usual Nate wanted nothing from her. Charlie walked aimlessly around the room cleaning up here, straightening up there. There really wasn’t anything to clean; the staff kept his room nearly spotless. She was just so tired of feeling useless. It seemed no one needed her for anything. Turning around, she surveyed his room with a critical eye…It was so dark! He needed some sunshine. Some vitamin D would do him some good. Didn’t they say that sunlight helped with depression? Going over to the window, she adjusted the blinds to allow the bright sunlight to come pouring into the room.
“Close the blinds! Are you trying to cause me even more pain, Charlie?”
“Oh! I’m sorry, Nate! I was just trying to let a little light in here. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ll close them.” She quickly closed the blinds, throwing the room once more into dim shadows. “There, is that better?” She reached her hand out to brush a lock of dark hair from Nate’s forehead only to have it swatted away like an annoying fly.
“Ask me before you do anything,” he grumbled.
“Of course, babe, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I bet the sunlight hurt your eyes, didn’t it?”
“No. I just don’t like the light.”
Her brow wrinkled in confusion. She asked why not. He used to love being outdoors in the sun.
“Why not? Why not? Look at me, Charlie! I’m deformed! I can’t see out of one eye and honest to God I wish I couldn’t see out of the other. That way I wouldn’t know what a monster I am.”
“Nate Jackson! You are not a monster! You are a wounded soldier that nearly gave his life fighting for his country. You are a hero, babe! Give God time. You will be so much better than the doctors are saying…I just know it.”
Angry brown eyes zeroed in on her at the mention of God. “Give God time? I’m not giving Him one more second. I won’t waste my time on someone who doesn’t even exist.”
“Stop it, Nate. You don’t really believe that. You are just angry and that’s understandable.”
He shook his head as he gestured down his body. “I do believe that and here is undeniable proof. What loving God would allow this to happen? If that’s love, then it’s sick and twisted and I want no part of it!”
“God isn’t the reason you were wounded; He is the reason you are still alive,” Charlie whispered desperately.
“You call this alive? I would have been better off dead. I will never walk, never work again or be able to support a family. I will never have any children.”
Charlie interrupted him. “What do you mean you can’t have children? Did Dr. Reed tell you that?”
“I said I wouldn’t have children, not that I couldn’t have children. I wouldn’t subject a child to the ridicule that would come with having a freak as a dad.”
“Ok, all of that is a long time down the road. You will get better and people with disabilities work and support their families all the time. Your life can still be a life you want to live; our lives can still be wonderful.”
Suddenly Nate snarled, reminding her once more of that cornered wolf. “Your life can be wonderful, Charlie…wonderful with your beautiful face and perfect body. Wonderful with your supportive parents and fat bank account; wonderful with your fantasies about a loving God. I swear you are so brainwashed.”
Feeling her temper start to drift to the top, Charlie took a deep breath before opening her mouth.
“Brainwashed?” she repeated carefully.
“Yes! Brainwashed! You don’t have any beliefs of your own. You are following what has been spoon-fed to you since birth. You don’t question, you don’t doubt you blindly accept everything that you have been taught.”
Charlie stared at Nate in utter disbelief. “Who ARE you? The Nate I know and love would never say any of the things that you have said in last five minutes! You think I haven’t ever doubted? Never questioned? I walk around with doubts all the time, but not about the existence of God. I know He is real and not because of what I was “spoon-fed!” I know it because I feel Him with me every day! I see His hand in so much of my life that I could be blind in BOTH eyes and still see Him!” Tears were now streaming unchecked from her eyes as she searched desperately for a glimmer of the old Nate in the face of this virtual stranger that had taken over his body. “I’m going to do us both a favor and go take a walk so we can calm down.” With her hand on the handle of the door, Nate shattered her heart with his next words.
“Don’t come back.”
Turning around slowly, hoping she had misheard what he said, Charlie whispered, “What?” The cold look in his eyes was all she needed to see to know she had heard correctly.
“Go home, Charlie. I don’t need you, I don’t need your sympathy and I sure as hell don’t need your God.”
Trembling
in shock and hurt, she held her hands over her heart as if to protect it as she started walking back to his bedside.
“Babe, I know you don’t mean that. I love you, Nate. We will find our way through this. I promise.”
“I know exactly what I’m saying. Go home and don’t come back.”
Flinging her covers back, Charlie dropped to her knees beside the bed. Kneeling there, she prayed for several minutes, although she never uttered a word. She knew her Lord could hear the prayers crying out from her bleeding heart.
After several minutes she rose up from the floor and then throwing on some clothes she walked down the hall to her parents’ room and tapped on it. Devon answered, looking worried to see her standing there.
“Charlie girl, what’s wrong? Has something happened to Nate?”
Walking into Devon’s arms, Charlie shook her head and whispered. “I want to go home.”
Chapter 7
Gideon was just as worried on the plane ride back home as he was on the flight out to California. Only this time it was Charlie’s heart that he was concerned about. Once she had decided to leave California, there was no talking her out of it. Not that anyone tried very hard. Even Dr. Reed could see what Nate was doing to her. Right before they left the hospital, he took her inside his office for a private chat.
“Charlie, several weeks ago you stood in this office and I doubted you. For that I apologize. You have stood firm, and I understand that even though you are leaving it’s not because you really want to. I have seen what Nate and his bitterness is doing to you.”
Charlie nodded, not exactly sure what she should say. Did she need to explain why she was leaving? But with his next words she knew no explanation was needed.
