I shift in my seat at the memory and Cole glances at me questioningly. I manage to flash him a small smile before turning my attention to the front of the church. I try hard to concentrate on the service but it's next to impossible.
What if Noah told Tate his suspicions? I can feel panic rising in my gut and I try to calm it. Noah hadn't outright accused me of anything at this point. Plus, he has no proof. If he went to Tate, I could simply deny all of it. I try to assure myself that nothing has happened. My secret isn't out and it'll stay safe and hidden.
Shame sweeps through me though at the thought of Noah possibly having an inkling of what I've been doing to myself all these years. Out of everyone in my life, Noah is the last person I would want to find out.
I realize the sermon is over and Blake's mom is at the podium, giving a heartfelt eulogy with tear filled eyes. It's time to put aside my own problems and concentrate on the present.
***
After the funeral, I end up driving Cole back to his house before I head over to Paige's. I'd managed to keep Cole away from Paige at the funeral and burial service. I hadn't missed the fact that Blake's mom hadn't even acknowledged Cole. Like Paige, she wasn't a fan of his, either.
Sometimes, I find myself wishing that I'd listened to Paige's warnings and had never began to date Cole. He and I are a lot alike in some ways, but sometimes it seems like the relationship is more trouble than what it's worth. And of course there's the fact that had I not started seeing Cole, I wouldn't have had a role in the convenience store robbery that had cost a cop his life.
I am still waiting for the detectives investigating the case to somehow get a lead on Cole, but so far nothing pointed them in our direction. There'd been a couple suspects in the past few weeks, including the owner of the stolen car, but they'd been cleared. I could tell Tate was agitated over the investigation which seemed to be going nowhere. He wanted Sean's killer brought to justice badly and I couldn't blame him.
I've managed to move on with my life but the guilt I carry is like an ulcer and it's slowly eating away at me. There were times I thought about coming forward with the truth, but then I think of how I'd likely end up in prison. Prison scares the living daylights out of me. I am ashamed that I am not a stronger person. I should come forward, no matter the repercussions, but I won't.
When I reach Paige's apartment building, I park in the guest lot and head inside. Paige answers the door in shorts and a tee, her blonde hair once again in a sloppy ponytail. I can tell she's losing weight and it bothers me to see her this way. It's as if she's lost the will to want to live. She silently opens the door wider so I can step inside. I kick off my high heels and enter the small apartment. Her little brother was at school, so we were alone.
Paige shuts the door behind me. “Hungry?”
It's the first time in two days that she's even thought to offer me food. Normally Paige is so lost in her misery that she ignores her body's needs and forgets that others still need to eat. “Are you?” I ask, not wanting to eat in front of her.
She shakes her head. “I had a sandwich as soon as I got back from the funeral,” she says as she walks toward the living room and shuts off the TV. Paige seems calmer today now that the funeral is over with and I follow her into the room. “I need to talk to you about some things,” she says as she sits down. I take a seat on the other sofa and hope this has nothing to do with Cole. She takes a deep breath and exhales as if she's nervous. “I'm pregnant!” she blurts out.
Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't that. My mouth falls open and I stare at her. Paige is pregnant?
Paige sighs and rubs the bridge of her nose. “And before you ask, yes, I'm sure. I took four tests and they all came back positive.”
“How long have you known?” I ask slowly, trying to process the shocking news.
“I found out two days before Blake...crashed his motorcycle. My period was late. I'm about four weeks along.”
“Did Blake know?”
Her eyes fill with tears but she takes a deep breath and pulls herself together. “No. I wasn't sure how to tell him and he'd been acting so strange. I didn't want to add to whatever he was dealing with.”
“Are you going to keep it?” I ask cautiously.
“Absolutely.” She touches her flat stomach, a flicker of hope now evident in her gaze. “He or she is innocent, it couldn't help the way it was conceived or the timing of it.” She gives me her first real smile in days. “I love kids. It'll be tough, but I think I am up for the challenge.”
“Have you told Blake's mom?”
Paige's smile instantly fades. “This baby may not be Blake's. I can't do that to her.”
I'd forgotten about Ethan. “Oh Paige...”
“It's okay,” she says quietly. “I've come to terms with the possibility. I have a few shirts of Blake's here and there are a couple strands of his hair on one of them. When I'm ready, I'll have the DNA compared to the baby's. If it's Blake's, I'll let Linda know.”
Paige had been so miserable the past few days, I'm surprised she'd been in the mindset to think this all through after just finding out about the pregnancy itself. “Is there anything I can do to help? You know I'll be here for you every step of the way,” I promise firmly.
This earns me an oddly sad look. “I'm not sticking around, Blayre.”
“What do you mean?”
“I'm leaving tomorrow morning to go live with extended family. My mom knows about the baby but she doesn't know the rest. I told her I can't stay here after Blake's death, that I need to be somewhere without his memories haunting me wherever I go. She's been pretty understanding about it.”
Paige is leaving me. I'm devastated but I try to hide it. “Where are you moving to?”
“I can't tell you that.” She bites her lip, her gaze shying away from me.
“Why not?”
“Blayre, this baby could be Ethan's. If he finds out I'm pregnant, there's no telling what he might do. I'm leaving and protecting this baby. You have ties to Ethan through Cole...”
“So you're just going to up and leave?” I ask as I stare at her with amazement. My stomach clenches painfully. “You don't want any sort of contact with me?”
She shakes her head, her guilty gaze meeting mine. “You're the best friend I've ever had but now this baby has to come first. I hope you understand.”
I can't sit still, so I rise to my feet and walk to the living room window that overlooks the street below. I'm upset that Paige is cutting me out of her life completely like yesterday's trash. I get that she's protecting herself and the baby, but she has to know I'd never betray her. I figure it's pointless to argue. I can see the determination in her eyes and if Paige is set to sever all ties with me, then that is what she's going to do. I guess maybe we hadn't been as close as I thought. If this is what it felt like to be burned by a friend, it totally sucked.
“I'm sorry,” Paige says softly.
I turn and look where she still sits on the couch. It's hard not to look at her accusingly as I say, “Why didn't you tell me this earlier?”
“I made up my mind yesterday. I wanted another day with you before I left. I suppose it was selfish.”
“No, I get it,” I say quietly. Even though I'm upset with how things are going down, I can't fault her for wanting to protect her baby.
“I feel like such a bitch. I just...Ethan scares me, Blayre.”
This was her last day in town and I did not want to spend it fighting. I walk over and sit down next to her. “It's okay. Moving is probably the best thing you can do considering what kind of guy Ethan is,” I say lightly as I shove aside my disappointment.
“I hope the baby is Blake's. We had a very active sex life up until that night with Ethan.” She shudders before saying, “I'm hoping that one time with Ethan wasn't...you know.”
“If it is Ethan's, will you be able to handle that?”
“I've thought about it,” she admits. “Just because the baby might have his DNA, doesn't mea
n he or she will turn out to be like him.”
“What about school?”
“I'm thinking I'll be due the beginning of July. I'll go to school and finish my senior year so I can graduate. I'm sure I won't be the first girl to graduate while being pregnant. It won't be fun, but I'll do it.”
I can’t believe how much Paige has managed to pull herself together in such a short period of time. I haven't given her enough credit. She's tougher than I'd originally thought her to be.
***
It didn't really hit me until I got home that the only person I could really count on now is Cole. Paige was leaving and I'd messed up my friendship with Noah. And as for Tate, I never allowed myself to get close to him. It was just me and Cole now. He knew all the worst parts of me and yet he still stood by my side.
I'm relieved to find that Tate is long gone since his shift started at four. As for Noah, I was too tired to figure out if he was home or not. As I make my way up to my room, my chest is heavy and it aches. Paige is officially out of my life for good and even though I still have Cole, I feel alone and abandoned.
The abandonment is a little ironic since I've brought this on myself. I joke and tease with my brother but actually letting him in emotionally or confiding in him is something I will never do. Noah's now in the same category and after our conversation this morning, I'm going to have to distance myself from him permanently.
Instead of heading towards my bedroom, I head straight for the bathroom and lock the door in case Noah is in fact home, though I hadn't seen him as I'd walked through the house. It's probably stupid to cut myself without knowing where he is but at the moment, I don't really care.
I need to feel the coolness of the blade against my fingertips. The feel of the metal is always soothing to me before I feel the rush...and then eventually the pain. My hands shake slightly as I open the bathroom closet door and grab my box of tampons on the second shelf that is designated as mine. I dig around in the box but I can't find the razor. With a frown, I push around the tampons and peer inside the box, but it's not there.
“That's impossible,” I mutter as I dump the tampons on the bathroom counter and rummage through them.
My little razor is gone.
For a long second, I stare at the tampons before I feel panic beginning to form. I rush back to the closet and dig out the empty deodorant container where I had hidden a second razor for back-up.
Empty.
“No!” I cry with frustration.
My knife. My pocket knife was in my night stand drawer.
I leave the mess scattered across the bathroom counter top as I fumble with the lock on the bathroom door before jerking it open and rushing to my bedroom. I hurry to my nightstand and quickly open the drawer, digging frantically through the contents.
My pocket knife is gone as well.
My heart thunders in my chest. This can't be happening! Not now, when I need the pain. I spin around—intent on going downstairs to the kitchen for a paring knife but come up short when I find Noah standing in the doorway of my room.
His brown eyes are troubled as he stares at my face intently. “That right there, that expression on your face confirms exactly what I feared. I was concerned over the way you reacted this morning when I confronted you. I decided to do a little searching and I found your razor blades and knife.”
It finally sinks in that he really does know the truth. My cheeks burn as shame and humiliation seep through me before anger rears its ugly head. “You had no right to go through my things!”
“I wasn't trying to invade your privacy, I'm trying to help.”
“I don't need or want your help!”
Noah enters the room and walks toward me. “Blayre, you put a blade to your skin and cut. You need help whether you realize it or not.”
“Stay away from me!” I warn, my voice slightly shrill by this unexpected confrontation. I back away from him and put several feet between us before I cross my arms over my chest. “Did you tell Tate?” I demand bitterly.
“No,” he says calmly as he watches me. “I wanted to talk with you first.”
“You can't tell him!”
“He needs to know,” Noah says in a heavy voice, his eyes alert to my every move.
“I'm not doing anything wrong!” I say flatly. “It's a coping mechanism, like your damned smoking that I don't give you shit about. What I do is nobody's business.”
“If you feel you're not doing anything wrong, then why can't I tell Tate?” he challenges.
“Like I said, it's nobody's business, least of all yours.”
“It is my business and it is also Tate's. We care about you—”
“Well, you shouldn't!” I yell as I cut him off.
His face goes hard with sudden anger and he actually takes a step toward me. “Who the fuck has messed with you?”
I can't do this. I turn and move to walk past him but his hands settle on my shoulders before I can dodge him. He gently backs me up against my dresser, his body close to mine as he gazes down at me. “I'm not walking away from you. Nothing you say will make me look at you differently than how I've always seen you. Talk to me,” he urges as concern darkens his face.
“Get out.”
“No.”
I look away with frustration. His hands are warm on my shoulders and somewhere within me, my soul is calmer knowing he cares even though I don't deserve it.
“I need to understand why you are doing what you do, Blayre. You say it's a coping mechanism, so does that mean that when you're upset, you feel the need to harm yourself?”
My body tenses beneath his hold and I refuse to answer him.
“Your silence has me making stuff up in my mind that terrifies me. Let me in, Blayre,” he pleads in a strained voice.
Finally, I let my eyes lift up to his and I find that he is watching me intently with a hint of pain in his eyes. The fact that I'd put it there makes my chest ache. He cares about me that much? I lick my lips and decide I need to put an end to this. I should have done this sooner. “It was a mistake,” I finally say.
“What was?”
“Us. I was missing Cole and you were just a stand in,” I lie.
Noah's entire body tenses up for a brief second and then something shifts in his gaze before he slowly shakes his head. “I know what you're doing. You're trying to push me away in hopes that this conversation never continues. What just came out of your mouth was a load of bullshit.” He leans closer as his eyes sear mine. “I watched the way you reacted to me the other night. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you were exactly where you wanted to be. Cole was the last thing on your mind.”
We stand there for a long moment, simply staring at each other.
“Let me go,” I warn.
Noah releases my shoulders and backs up, but not by much. He's not allowing me to end this conversation anytime soon. Feeling beyond wary, I move past him and walk over to my bed to sit down before I promptly drop my head into my hands. None of this was supposed to be happening! If I hadn't been so stupid lately, no one would have ever found out.
“I'm going to ask again, Blayre. Do you cut yourself when you're upset? How does it make anything better?” I hear Noah ask quietly. His tone is calm but I can't miss the hint of determination that lingers in his voice.
Tears sting behind my eyelids and I ignore him for a long moment. I feel like he's stripped me down to my soul and I'm left wide open and vulnerable. I hate this feeling and I hate that it's him who is seeing me this way. Reluctantly, I drop my hands and look up at him. He's still standing there, his hands in his pockets as he watches me carefully. I have a feeling he'd be sitting by me if he wasn't worried I'd bolt.
“Please don't tell, Tate,” I finally say as I ignore his questions.
“He's your brother.”
“I'm well aware of that,” I say sarcastically.
Noah sighs. “You're hurting yourself and it's not healthy. Not to mention dangerous.”
�
�I'm always careful.”
“Are you?” he asks sardonically. His brown eyes drop to my left arm before deliberately lifting to meet my gaze. “I've thought about your little accident with the window but I don't buy it anymore. The more I've thought about it the past few days, the more I realize you lied. If you would have fallen through that glass, there would have been a blood trail leading to the bathroom.” His eyes pin me to where I sit. “There was no blood trail. Just blood all over the sink and leading across the floor to the closet.”
“That was an accident,” I whisper.
“An accident that could have cost you your life. You nicked a damn artery that night. You're lucky it wasn't worse and you didn't bleed out before getting help.”
“I'm normally careful, okay! I screwed up that night.”
“What was different about that night?” he asks immediately, his expression sharpening at my slip-up.
Me and my big mouth.
Feeling restless now, I jump to my feet and try to walk away from him but he reaches out and grabs my upper arm, easily forcing me around to face him. His touch is firm but gentle, rather than rough like Cole's would have been. I look up at him, my expression now guarded. “Why can't you let this go, Noah? It has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
He reaches up and gently pushes a strand of hair out of my face. “You haven't figured it out yet?” he asks quietly, his eyes searching mine.
There's some hint of emotion that is swirling around in his gaze and it scares me. “No,” I say softly. “I don't want to ever figure it out. Whatever you think is going on with us, isn't happening.”
“You should know by now that I don't give up easily.”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“He doesn't deserve you.”
“Get out.”
A muscle ticks in his jaw. “You can't just kick me out of your room and expect that to be the end of this.”
Unraveled (Twisted Series) Page 3
