by Jean Plaidy
Spath said in a voice of foreboding, “This means that that man will have more and more sway.”
Growing up made one knowledgeable so I knew she was referring to Sir John Conroy.
I was very melancholy. Life could become sad so unexpectedly. First I had lost my beloved sister and now—devastating blow—my dear, dear Uncle Leopold.
I WAS BECOMING more and more aware of Sir John Conroy.
Now that Uncle Leopold had gone Mama seemed constantly in his company. My Aunt Sophia often came from her apartments in the Palace to ours, and she, too, seemed to like him very much. They were always laughing together and Mama seemed quite different when he was there; her expression softened and her voice changed when she spoke to him.
When I mentioned this to Lehzen she said sharply, “Nonsense!”
I wished that Feodore was there so that I could talk about it with her.
I had always found it difficult to veil my feelings and while I was perhaps overflowing with affection for those I liked and was—Mama said— too demonstrative, when I disliked people I could not help showing that either.
I must have shown that I did not like Sir John.
I knew that Lehzen and Spath also did not like him. He used to look at them very sardonically, with a rather unpleasant expression in his eyes. I heard him speak of them both quite disparagingly to Mama when I was present. He said Spath was a silly blundering old woman, and he sneered at Lehzen's plebeian habit of munching caraway seeds. What shocked me was that Mama laughed with him, which I thought was disloyal to dear Lehzen who had been such a good friend to us both.
Sir John was a man who had a very high opinion of himself. I found out quite a lot about him because since the departure of Uncle Leopold he seemed to be forcing himself on my attention. He had abandoned his career in the Army to enter my father's service. He was half Irish and had an estate in Ireland that brought him a small income. He was an adventurer really; and had a swaggering way with him and seemed very confident that people—particularly women—were going to find him irresistible. He might have had some cause for this because Mama did seem to like him very much, and so did Aunt Sophia and several women of the household. I did not dislike Lady Conroy, but she was so insignificant that one hardly noticed her. His daughter Victoire gave herself airs and was certainly not my favorite companion. I felt I had continually to remind the Conroys that I did not regard them as of any great importance.
Victoire in particular was constantly referring to her father as though he were the head of the household. “My father says this …”
“My father says that …” And she behaved as though these pronouncements were law.
It was through her that I learned of the sneering remarks he made about my father's relations.
The King was mad, said Victoire to me; and she referred to Aunt Adelaide as “Her Spotted Majesty,” which was because Aunt Adelaide's skin was not very clear and there were sometimes blotches on it—a remark that must have come from her father because it was just the spiteful sort of thing he would say. She also told me that Aunt Adelaide wanted me to marry one of those horrid little Georges, and that her father was going to see that that never happened.
Victoire was always talking about the Bâtards who were trying to get all they could out of the King. She meant the FitzClarence children. She said it was disgraceful that they were allowed to come to Court, and her father had said that I should be forbidden to mingle with them.
It was infuriating to be told these things through Victoire and when I said this to Mama all she said was, “Oh, she is only a child and you should control your temper.”
I mentioned it to Lehzen, too. She was very distressed and poor old Spath said, “I don't know what things are coming to in this household. Now that the good King of the Belgians is no longer with us, things have changed for the worse.”
It was not only my relations whom Sir John sneered at. He made fun of me because he knew I did not like him.
“And how are the little dollies?” he would say, and there was a snigger in his voice as though he were implying what a child I was to be playing with dolls at my age. One could not explain to such a man that they were not ordinary dolls.
Then he would make fun of me. “You are getting more and more like the Duke of Gloucester every day.”
The Duke of Gloucester, who had married my Aunt Mary, was the most unprepossessing of men, and he was commonly known as Silly Billy because he was not very bright.
He could have reduced me to tears if he had not made me so very angry.
But these were small irritations, and I was to learn what real trouble this man could make.
One day when I was to present myself to Mama I went to her apartments. Spath was with me, but I ran on ahead.
When I entered the room Sir John Conroy was with Mama and they were talking together. I heard the words, “…a Regency… for the old man cannot live till she is of age…”
My mother was standing very close to Sir John and he was holding her hand.
I heard him say, “What a beautiful Regent you will make!”
I gasped because I thought he was going to kiss her.
Mama saw me then. Spath had come in and was hovering behind me.
Mama's color was very high and her earrings shook angrily. She seemed to quiver more than usual.
“Victoria,” she said in an angry voice. “What are you doing here?”
“Mama, it is my time for coming to you.”
“Dear me! You should not walk about so stealthily.”
I was often accused of boisterousness. This was something new. I felt very uneasy.
“Well, now you are here…”
“I see the Princess is not unaccompanied,” said Sir John in his sneering voice.
My mother frowned. “Oh …Spath …” The very way in which she said the poor Baroness's name was contemptuous. “It's you. Well, you will not be needed.”
Poor Spath, scarlet with embarrassment faded away and I was left with them. Mama seemed in an odd mood but Sir John was just the same as he always was, very composed, regarding me with that unpleasantly critical look as though I amused him because of some deficiency. I began to wonder whether I was getting too fat, as he was always hinting that I was.
When I saw Spath shortly afterward she seemed in a state of shock. I wanted to hear what she thought of the incident, for I could not get it out of my mind.
“Spath,” I said. “Did you think Mama was standing very close to Sir John Conroy?”
Spath looked at me with wide troubled eyes and as she did not reply I went on, “It did occur to me that he was on the point of kissing her.”
Spath caught her breath and still continued to look at me in silence.
“I think perhaps,” I went on, “Mama did not like our being there and seeing them, er… like that, because she immediately began scolding me, which people do sometimes when they are doing something about which they feel uncomfortable.”
Spath took a few more seconds to recover.
“My dear Princess, you must say nothing of this…of course that was not the case. The Duchess was no doubt asking his advice… about some…er, document… some matter… and it was necessary for her to stand close to him to show it to him.”
“I saw no document,” I said. “It was her hand he was holding…not a document.”
“Oh, you have been mistaken and I should say no more of this… not to anyone.”
I was very disturbed and that made me more alert. Poor Spath became so absent-minded that I knew she could not forget it either. I heard her whispering with Lehzen. I could not hear what was said but I knew from Lehzen's manner that she was giving Spath stern advice.
AUNT SOPHIA WAS having a little party in her rooms at Kensington Palace. There would be music and my two cousins George Cambridge and George Cumberland would be there, and so would Aunt Adelaide.
Aunt Adelaide, now Queen Adelaide, had come to ask Mama's permission for me to at
tend.
“Victoria sings so prettily,” said Aunt Adelaide. “We do want her to come.”
Mama graciously said I might go.
Mama never treated Aunt Adelaide as though she were the Queen. Indeed seeing them together one would have thought that Mama was of superior rank. Some might have resented that; Aunt Adelaide did not. She was all for peace and for overcoming family quarrels and getting us all together. I often thought that if they had all been like her we should have been a happier family.
I practiced singing with Mr. Sale all the morning; Lehzen had said other lessons might be set aside for once; and Mr. Sale said I was in good voice and was sure they would all enjoy my singing.
Lehzen helped me dress in my lovely white silk dress with the blue sash and white satin slippers.
“Lehzen,” I said, “do I look too fat?”
“You look lovely.”
“But fat! Sir John said I was a plump little princess.”
“That man! If you are plump, my dearest, then it is good to be plump. They will all think how beautiful you are and when they hear you sing…well, they will be astounded.”
“Oh Lehzen, you are the dearest person in the world.”
“Now, now. Stay calm. Remember you have to give a performance.”
What a pleasant afternoon! I did like my two cousins, they were both very attentive, and after my performance, which was very much applauded, Aunt Adelaide kissed me and said I sang like an angel. She also whispered how delighted she was that I had come and that the King wanted me to go and see him; and she was sure, if my Mama would allow it, there could be many happy gatherings like this with all the children.
I supposed that meant the little FitzClarences. I was sure Mama would not allow that; and it struck me as strange that a queen could love little children whereas a mere duchess thought herself too good for them.
I said, “I should love to come and to see the King.”
She smiled as though we shared a secret and said she would do her best to arrange it.
When I arrived back in our apartments it was to find Lehzen distraught and Spath almost hysterical with grief.
“What has happened?” I cried.
Spath could not speak but Lehzen came to me and put her arms round me.
“The Baroness is to leave us,” she said.
“To leave us!”
“Yes, she is going to your sister. Feodore needs her now that she is a mother. The Duchess thinks that Feodore needs her more than you do.”
“But I can't lose Spath.”
Spath emerged from her grief to give me a loving look. I dashed to her, “Oh dear, dear Spath… what does it mean? I will go to Mama…I will not have it. I am going to the Queen. I will not have it, Spath.”
Lehzen said quickly, “You must not talk like that. It is unseemly to talk of seeing the Queen. Neither the King nor the Queen would like it. It is very wrong. Baroness Spath is going, and sad as that makes us, we must think of the joy your sister will have in welcoming her. She needs help with her babies.”
“I am sure Feodore could find someone to help her with the babies and she would not want me to lose dear Spath. I will go to Mama.”
“It is already settled. Your mother and … er … Sir John have decided.”
“That odious man.”
Neither Lehzen nor Spath contradicted me. They hated him as much as I did.
I embraced Spath and we clung together, mingling our tears. I knew, and she knew, that there was nothing we could do.
One day, I told myself, it will be different.
THERE WAS GLOOM in our apartments. Mama pursed her lips and when I spoke of Spath, said she was an interfering gossiping old woman and she was not really suitable to be in the household.
“But I love her,” I said defiantly.
“You must not be so vehement,” said Mama. “You are a little vulgar in your expressions of affection for these people.”
“These people! We are talking about darling Spath.”
“Oh dear, we are going to have a storm, are we? Listen to me, Victoria. I have done everything possible to bring you up in a manner befitting your position. You know now that you have to be careful… far more careful than others. You have your destiny to fulfill. That is why I have devoted my life to bringing you up.”
It is always disconcerting to be the object of so much self-sacrifice and I could not deny that Mama had taken great pains to be with me all the time. Often I had wished she was less zealous, but that did not lessen the sacrifices she had made.
I could see I was no match for her so I continued to brood in silence.
Lehzen was worried. I know now that she was thinking: It is Spath today. It could be me tomorrow.
It was a good thing that I did not know that then. I should have been completely terrified if I had. The thought of losing Lehzen too would have been intolerable.
It was from Spath that I heard more of what had happened. I supposed that when she had her marching orders she felt justified in being indiscreet.
“What started it,” she told me, “was due to that daughter of his.”
“Victoire?”
“Oh, I could do without those two… her and her sister Jane.”
She lapsed into German, which I understood well enough. Victoire had come to her while she was sitting at her tatting just after I had left for Aunt Sophia's apartments.
Victoire had taunted her. She wanted to know why she, Victoire, had not been invited to sing at the party. Why should Victoria go and she not? It was not fair. Her father was important. He was the most important man in the country. Everybody knew it. He gave the orders.
“It was more than I could bear,” said Spath. “I shouted at her, ‘You illbred monster. You have no right here, you and your upstart father…' She called me an old German woman and said I was a silly old fool, I… and caraway-seed-eating Baroness Lehzen, who had only been made a baroness because she had to mingle with people of high rank where she could not very well be a mere Fraulein.”
“Victoire can be a horrid child,” I said.
“Well, my Princess, I could bear no more, so I went to the Duchess. I was not thinking very clearly. I was so enraged. I said, ‘That Conroy child has been rude to me…' And your mother shrugged it aside and said she was only a child. I then lost my calm.”
“Dear Spath,” I said, “you never had much.”
“I said what I should not have said.”
“What, Spath? Tell me what.”
She shook her head and it took me a little time to prize it out of her.
“I said, ‘And that man, Duchess. The Princess Victoria has noticed… the friendship between you and him …' ”
“You really said that, Spath?”
Spath nodded.
Oh, it was clear to me now, Mama was guilty. Those flirtatious looks which Sir John bestowed on her and on others too …Aunt Sophia for one… but more on Mama… had a meaning. I felt horribly disillusioned.
I tried to comfort poor Spath. I told her that she would love being with Feodore.
“Feodore is the most loving girl in the world. Dear Spath, she is better than I…”
“No one could mean more to me than my dear little Victoria.”
“Oh, Spath you will love it! There won't be any storms… and you know how quickly they blow up. No storms and dear little babies. You know how you love them. And Feodore's will be especially lovely. Oh, you are going to love it. You're going to say it is all for the best. I have got away from the storms to these dear little babies.”
She shook her head. “My darling child, I know you can be willful… but then you can also be the most lovable little girl in the world, and I would rather serve you than any other.”
I wept with her and Lehzen came and found us together. She did not reprove us. She just sat with us, looking very sad. I had lost Feodore, Uncle Leopold, and now Spath.
Fearfully I wondered: Who next?
MY FEELINGS TOWARD Mama were
changing rapidly. It was all because of Sir John Conroy. I disliked him more with every day which passed, and I blamed him for taking Spath away from me.
Instinctively I knew that he wanted to remove Lehzen in the same way. But that was something that I should never tolerate.
I began to see very clearly what was going on. Mama was one of those forceful women who want to rule everyone about her. How delighted she would have been if she had been destined to become Queen. In fact if ever I ascended the throne she wanted to be there, not beside me, but ruling in my place.
And with her would be that odious man. They would be King and Queen; they would rule the country as they now ruled the household.
Mama was always talking disparagingly about the King. What an old fool he was; he was doubtless going mad; anyone less like a king she had never known. He went among the people like a common man. Some might be able to behave so. Not bumble-headed William. He looked what he was, a foolish old man teetering on the edge of madness. He had even said on one occasion that he and his wife were quiet people. The Queen and he liked to sit by the fire, she tatting and he “nodding a bit.” If he got bees in his bonnet he would forget all dignity and make speeches about them—incoherent, rambling, boring speeches. That was her opinion of him. She even spoke kindly of Aunt Adelaide in her condemnation of him. “Poor thing, she has a lot to put up with. The best thing he can do is join his forefathers and leave the throne for those better able to manage it.”
That meant Victoria, of course, with Mama in control!
And in control she would be if I were not eighteen years old. When I reached that magic age I could tell Mama: No! You will not do this and that, because it is my wish that you should not. What a day that would be!
Mama was so exuberant now that she talked to me more openly.
“There will be a Regency,” she said. “That is if he dies before you are eighteen. You are not quite twelve yet. Six years. He can't last that long.”
I hated to hear her talk like that of poor Uncle William who had always been so pleasant to me; and I loved Aunt Adelaide who, I was sure, would be very unhappy if Uncle William died.
