by Vaughn Ashby
“Hey Mark P, you need a rest?” Travers asked as turned to see Pratt fighting off a bush.
“You know I hate that, call me Pratt, I don’t call you Mark T, jerk.”
"You need help with that bush?"
"No I don't," he said as he freed himself. "Oh and that's what she said?"
"What, no I don't?"
"No the thing with the bush,” Pratt's voice got higher with each word. Travers smirked at him. "Fuck you by the way and that damn smirk. You think I'm just going to drop my panties for you out here in the woods because you pulled that thing out."
"That's what she said."
"I both hate and love you right now and that smirk it’s so damn sexy. “
"I know," Travers said as they continued through the woods.
The branches were mostly bare and the leaves that were around were brown and at their feet. Each step was a signal to the world they were coming, crunch after crunch. Travers watched as the sun dipped just below the top of the little ravine they were in. He clicked on his flashlight and motioned for Pratt to do the same.
“Are we about done now that it's getting dark?" Pratt asked, he was right at Travers' heels now.
"No, but..."
"No nothing you say after saying 'but' matters. If you have to say 'but' everything you said before it wasn't true." Pratt sighed, "why are we even out here?"
"Wait! You don't know?"
"Not really, Shane said we were looking for something magical or something.”
Travers shined his flashlight in Pratt’s face, Pratt waved at the light like it was some kind of bug and Travers moved it away.
"Something magical? So, you've been looking for what since we've been out here?"
"I don't know magic shaped things." He looked down at his feet, he really wanted to kick a rock but none were within kicking distance. "Tell me what should I be looking for then?"
"A building or shed of some kind. Something with an antenna."
"Oh, I've been looking for the wrong thing then. Shane was way off; I think he said it could be as small as a cell phone."
Travers looked confused. "Shit, he said that?" His smirk was long gone. "I really should have talked to him about this before we came out here."
"It's cool, I won't tell him you messed this whole trip up. Let's go home and you can explain to me just what we are looking for."
The two men turned around and started back on their tracks. “There is a signal that originates somewhere out here,” Travers said.
“What?”
“The signal is kind of like a number station, you know what those are right?"
Pratt's face was blank.
"There are these signals the originate around the world, most of the time it's a woman reading a serious of numbers. Some believe it's old CIA stuff, like for spying and shit. Others believe it's some kind of alien thing."
"You lost me at CIA but won we back over with aliens, continue."
"Anyways, Shane read this old post detailing a signal, he got interested and brought me in. I dug through the data and narrowed the source down to here." He gestured to the trees around them. "Whatever is causing the signal is out there somewhere."
"Ok, that's boring. What's the signal?"
"What?"
"The signal, what is it?"
Travers ignored him, something had caught his eye. Pratt turned to see what it was. A house was just up the other side of the ravine. Now that it was dark the lights from inside the house made it easy to see. Lights was an overstatement, dollar store candles were more like it.
"Is that your magical thing?” Pratt asked giddily, like he had spotted it first.
"Maybe," the smirk was back. "Maybe."
Ok just to pause for a second, what happened next well just go with it. Ok.
The two jogged up the side of the ravine to the house. Ok, maybe jog is being generous. They made their way to the house. Ok, maybe house is being generous. The sun now long behind the edge of the ravine made it dark, no city light population, just dead black country forest night. Other than their flashlights and the light coming from the house front window everything was black. Did you get that it was dark yet? Can I sell it any harder?
They reached the front of the house. The bottom of the front window was just about at eye level. They crept through the flower bushes in front of the house and like little kids on their tiptoes, they peeked into the window. Maybe since they were expecting a room full of computers or at minimum some John Lock-type character sitting at a computer typing in numbers every 108 minutes, they really weren’t prepared for what they saw.
The inside of the house looked no different from any other long abandoned house really, maybe a little more countryish. A few more roosters on the walls then any normal house should have. The only real difference was the demonic looking beast with dark gold skin and a massive purple glowing ghost penis inside. Also, he was about to have his way with some poor, helpless, very naked woman who was also inside the house.
They both peeked through the window, Pratt rubbed his eyes. “I’m not sure about you but that was a little more rape-y than I expected.”
The woman in the house screamed, they looked around for the cause of the scream, only to see the creature's junk had increased in size. He had her bent over the side of what used to look like a couch and well, not to hold anything back now, but he was about to use his enormous equipment on her.
Pratt took a couple steps back from the window looking for something, he spun around in circles, then he felt a rock against his foot. He picked it up and without thinking threw it through the window. The glass shattered, and Pratt instantly regretted not saying something clever like "Make It Rain" before he threw the rock. “Give me a boost,” he yelled as he ran towards Travers, who barely had enough time to lock his fingers together and catch Pratt’s foot as he jumped up into the house.
Once in the house, he realized that along with thinking of a better one-liner for outside, he should have come up with a plan before getting up here, but it was too late. The Lakers colored beast looked shocked to see him.
“Did someone call for a…” Pratt paused, fuck he had nothing good, maybe a journal of punch lines was a good idea. “Oh, fuck it.” He took two steps towards the beast and leveled him in the face with a punch. The beast’s head flew off, bounced off the wall and landed in the corner. His body stumbled back away from the woman, who didn’t appear to be beaten, but her eyes were swollen shut and her face was puffy. It looked like she had had an allergic reaction, maybe to the beast or his ghost penis. Travers had poked his head up through the window just as the punch connected, he threw his leg over the side being careful to avoid the glass and climbed into the window. He watched the head until it stopped rolling, then it made eye contact with him. He blinked and so did it.
The beast's body scurried back to the corner, his glowing ghost cock becoming faint. Pratt turned to the woman, she was out cold now. Travers rushed over to her and tried to find a pulse. He moved her from the arm of the couch to the floor, which really wasn’t much cleaner. The beast’s body had collected itself in the corner and appeared to have now come to terms with not having a head. It lunged at Pratt. To be fair the creature had no head and thus no brains, so he probably wasn't aware of how bad of an idea it was. The head in the corner snapped its teeth, drool pouring out of his mouth, but there was no blood where his head used to connect to his body. Pratt snapped back at the head, then he kneed the charging body right in his ghost junk. Long ago Pratt had mastered the art of knee to crotch, having an older brother will do that to you. The creature’s body fell to the floor. Pratt looked at it, confused. There was no actual junk, the ghost junk was gone, yet it still hurt the creature like a bitch.
Travers ignored the scuffle and checked the woman out, he had no medical background at all but he had watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy with a previous girlfriend. Other than knowing that cutting someone's L-Vad wire was dumb, he didn't really know what to do.
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Pratt put a knee on the thing's chest and turned to make sure Travers was ok. "She going to make it?"
The head in the corner snapped at them. Then cleared its throat. "Right, would you mind getting off my chest?" They both looked at it confused. "I know you fellas can talk I just heard you. So don't play dumb with me."
Pratt pointed at the head, "I might have hit my head jumping in here, is that thing talking to us?"
"Yep," Travers said leaving the woman's side.
"And he's talking with a British accent?"
"Yep."
"Ok."
"Are you two finished?" The head continued. "I was right in the middle of something, get off my body."
"Nope, sorry," Pratt said as if he was a cop with any kind of authority. "We’re going to have to..." Pratt yelled in pain.
Travers turned to see the creature's ghost penis was back and had jabbed Pratt in the shoulder. Pratt yelled again, "his penis is in my shoulder!"
Travers gripped his flashlight tight, he'd forgotten he was still holding it and swung it at the thing's junk.
Having never had a fractured penis one can only imagine the pain that comes from a 90-degree angle being forced upon it. God, that must hurt, ghost penis or not. Anyways.
The beast's body wiggled in pain and the right-angled ghost penis started fading again.
“Roll the fucker over,” Travers yelled. "I don't want that thing coming back to bite you in the ass."
"Me either," Pratt said in pain as he held his bleeding shoulder. "It was not a nice feeling."
They rolled the body over and Travers sat on his back, he smirked at Pratt. “There was a penis in your shoulder.”
“Please, don’t tell anyone,” Pratt said looking over at the woman. She looked paler now and the bloating seemed to have spread to the rest of her body. She looked more like the marshmallow man than anything else. His shoulder screamed at him in pain and he could feel it starting to swell.
"Sorry, it goes without saying but sometimes he can get a mind of his own." The severed head said, trying to gesture to his body.
The creature's body started convulsing, Travers pushed harder to hold him down. It was at this moment Travers realized that the beast's body has no pants on. It made sense, he’d seen the things package, but he hadn’t put it all together. He wasn't stupid, he knew they had interrupted him about to make the beast with two backs, but he expected that he at least had pants around his ankles or something. Anyways, the point of him noticing was because some sort of purple mist was escaping the creature’s butt. Travers recoiled then remembered he was supposed to be holding the thing down and got back on top.
"Pratt," Travers yelled. There had been a lot of yelling since they broke in through the window, but stressful situations tended to do that and this was at about an 8 on Travers’ stress scale. 9 being a fling from last month is pregnant and 10 being they stopped making Vanilla Coke. “Pratt,” he said again in a calmer voice.
"Yeah, I fucking see it."
"Well? This guy's junk seems to be coming out his ass in mist form. Any ideas?"
"Just put your dick in it."
"I may have exaggerated the size of my Johnson a time or two."
"Fine," Pratt said annoyed, "Give me a second." He jumped to his feet and bolted out of the room.
"Where are you going?"
"Yes, where is he going," the beasts head said.
"Shut it, or I'll shove you up your own ass." That shut the head up.
Pratt burst back into the room carrying an ax. "Look out!" He yelled.
Travers dove off the beast’s body and Pratt swung the ax down. Then again and again, and then a couple dozen more times after that.
Yada yada yada…
Pratt pulled the latch and the door opened. There was a large something draped in garbage bags. Shane’s first thought was that they’d killed a hooker and lost their minds, but then he figured that was dumb why would they want to show him that, plus based on the size of whatever was under there it would be one very big boned hooker. Pratt pulled a couple bags off, and Bill pooped a little.
The woman who had been attacked by the beast laid there.
“What the fuck, Pratt?” Shane yelled.
Pratt looked at the woman, “Oh shit, wrong bag.” He threw the garbage bag back on top the woman. “Sorry, in the other bag we’ve got this mess of a creature to show you. Well, what’s left of one. We …”
“Hold on, why is there a dead woman in your trunk?”
“Well, that’s a long story,” Travers said. “We were in the woods looking for the source of the signal when…” The woman took a breath and started coughing.
“Holy shit,” Shane said, he pulled out his phone and dialed 911.
Pratt looked at his shoulder, it felt tighter than before, then he fell face first into the pavement.
Bill fainted. He would later blame the skid marks in his pants on when he fainted, not when he saw the woman. Shane would question him on this.
CHAPTER SIX
1982 Moe: Those Weird Twilight Zone Things
By the time the cops showed up, a good 30 minutes later, there was nothing left of the body. I'd collected the clothes and planned to bury them out back that night. As for the rest of him well, I was standing out front with my hose, washing the last of him off my parking lot.
The police asked me the standard police questions. I knew the cops of course, small town and all, so they went easy on me. Plus, when I started to tell them the story and I was telling them the truth, they put their notepads away and politely pretended to have to leave for another call.
I closed up early that day, no one was getting work done anyways, so I sent them home. I also had Vince take Nicole home earlier, it was only a couple blocks, and the incident didn't seem to faze him. Nicole, on the other hand, I wasn't sure of. I told them both not to tell Earla, my wife. Though I was certain she'd read it on my face later. That woman was a human lie detector, but only really on me. The kids were still too young to be telling any real lies worth detecting.
I waited till dark and buried the clothes in the grassy area behind the garage next to the town water tower. The area near the water tower always had soft soil since the darn thing was always leaking.
After I went back to the garage, cleaned myself up, then went home.
Lucky for me everyone was already asleep, I checked in on the kids. Vince had fallen asleep watching The Tonight Show in the family room, so I just left him there. Nicole and the babies were tucked in their beds, all snoring and drooling.
Finally, I crawled into bed, trying my hardest not to wake up Earla. I was a loud sleeper, as she politely put it. So, she was used to noise at night, from me anyways. The kids, on the other hand, she could pick up the smallest change in their breathing from across the house, probably across the country. I guess she had a lie detector and heart rate monitor all built into one.
I didn't really expect to sleep well that night, but honestly I had one of the best ones I’ve had in years. Maybe it was the act of digging the hole or maybe there was something other than that, but I can't imagine anyone in town sleeping better than me that night.
I expected the fact that I'd maybe, sort of murdered someone or something to weigh on me, but I felt free somehow. Like this gave me the permission I needed to do something, I didn’t know what but I felt different. I promised myself that morning that it was all done and I wasn't going to give it another thought. So, I didn't.
Until the man came back again the next day.
I’m not really into those weird Twilight Zone things. Sure, I saw Star Wars, who didn’t. But for myself I liked reality, I picked books from the nonfiction section when I took the kids to the library.
The day was going very similar to the one before. The guys working the garage didn’t bring it up, that was good. They remembered who wrote their checks. Plus, most of them were religious and I think they believed it was better for their souls if they just didn’t bring it up.
The kids acted the most out of place. Both of them stayed a lot closer to me that day. Vince didn’t want to work on the cars, which was fine, I didn’t really want him away from me anyways. Nicole was still taking people’s money but she wouldn’t let me leave her side. I almost had an accident at one point because she wouldn’t let me use the bathroom.
Smith came in the exact same time as the day before. I checked receipts later to compare, it was right down to the minute. I should point out that I never actually learned his name. I only refer to him as Smith because he reminded me of that fellow from those Matrix movies. Which I saw some years later.
When he came into the shop I’m sure my heart skipped a couple dozen beats, my mouth hit my shoes, and I watched him walk up to me, order a trailer hitch and pull out some cash. I’m sure he must have thought me slow or something. How dare he come back to my store. My hand was already on my bat, Nicole was wrapped around my arm hiding her face, I’d have had a hard time pulling it out quickly with her there. He looked at me strangely when I didn’t take the money right away. Finally, I did. He looked at me with an air of confusion. At that point it clicked that maybe he didn’t remember yesterday, maybe this wasn’t even the same man. Maybe this was his brother looking for him, a twin or something.
I gave him his change and told him to pull around into the garage. I didn’t want him out front in case something happened again. The second he left the shop I locked the door, then locked the door that leads to the garage. The kids and I watched with our faces pressed against the glass, we watched him back into the garage, and hand his papers to one of my guys. The hitch was attached, then he shook the man’s hand, got in his car and drove off.
Feeling safe, I unlocked the door but told the kids to lock it again once I left, and walked out into the street. I saw his Ford Taurus drive down the block and turn at the lights. One of only two in the town I should point out. He drove the same damn car the other guy drove. Where had his car gone anyways? I’d completely forgot about it until now. I should have done something with it last night, was it gone by the time I got back from burying the clothing? Or sooner?
