by Gina Dartt
“Starved. We didn’t have lunch.”
“Would you...like to come up for a while?” Nikki was finding it hard to formulate the words. She wanted to sound smooth, but was afraid she was blithering like an idiot. “I could make us something to eat. We could listen to some music.”
Kate’s eyes were gray in the fading light, her expression unreadable, but she said, “I’d like that.”
Nikki wondered if her heart was going to resume its beat anytime soon. She was fairly certain that a regular rhythm was required for continued survival, even if the lack didn’t seem to be hindering her mobility as she slipped out of the truck.
Kate locked the vehicle after Nikki assured her it was all right to park in the lot and followed Nikki up the side stairs to her apartment on the second floor. Originally a warehouse, the building’s top floor now contained three apartments, while the lower floor housed two businesses—a used-clothing store and a flower shop.
Nikki opened the door and motioned Kate in, grateful that her apartment was as spotless as possible, considering that she shared it with Powder. As if aware she was thinking of him, the cat promptly flowed off the bed to greet her and her visitor, eyeing Kate warily from the bedroom doorway.
“Male or female?” Kate asked, eyeing him with equal ambivalence.
“Neutered.” Nikki took Kate’s coat and hung it in her closet. “His name is Powder.”
Leading Kate into the living room, Nikki abruptly realized how small her place was. She had always liked the apartment she had found after moving back from the city, but now it seemed cramped and drab, a far cry from the elegant rooms above Novel Companions.
“It’s charming,” Kate said, as she took a seat on the couch.
“Thanks.” Nikki suspected Kate was being kind. She moved into the small kitchenette and looked into the fridge, relieved to find some leftovers. “Do you like lasagna?”
“I love it.”
Nikki cast her eyes upward in silent thanks and set about preparing it. When she began to place dishes on the small table in the area beside the living room, Kate stood up. “May I help?”
“Uh, it’s under control,” Nikki said, watching her sit back down.
As she saw Kate rub her hands lightly on her thighs, she realized Kate was also nervous, but rather than helping her relax, the knowledge made Nikki feel even tenser. She inhaled deeply and moved over to the small bookshelf stereo, putting on some music before she returned to the table. Hesitating over the candles, she finally placed them in the middle and lit them as she waited for the timer on the microwave to ding.
As she fiddled with these tiny tasks, she was keenly aware of Kate taking inventory of her apartment, checking out the seascape photos on the walls and the tennis trophies on the shelves. She watched her examine the titles of the books in the large wooden case that lined one end of the room, then eye the acoustic guitar leaning in a corner next to it.
“Do you play?” Kate asked, glancing over her shoulder from where she knelt in front of the bookcase, reaching out to put her fingertips on the golden curve of the instrument.
Nikki shrugged. “A little. I’m not very good.”
“Would you play for me sometime?”
She hesitated briefly before finally nodding. “If you’d like.”
“I would.”
Nikki was relieved when the microwave sounded. “Dinner’s ready.”
Kate rose gracefully from the floor and walked over to the dinette set where she took a seat.
Retrieving the casserole, Nikki slipped a respectable portion onto Kate’s plate before she served herself. She suspected her guest would prefer wine with her meal, but since she wasn’t in the habit of drinking, she didn’t have any to offer. “Juice, soda, or water?”
“Water’s fine,” Kate said, taking a bite from her slab of lasagna as Nikki went to the fridge and pulled out a jug of spring water, filling two glasses with ice from the freezer. When Nikki returned, Kate said, “This is absolutely delicious.”
Nikki smiled, pleased. “Once in a while I get it right. It’s Mom’s recipe, actually.” As she took her seat, she was struck by how incredible Kate looked in the flickers of the tiny flames of the candles.
They ate companionably for a few moments before Kate glanced up. “Do you still see your parents a lot?” Her tone seemed careful, tentative.
“Are you asking if they still speak to me?” She feigned indifference, though her heart gave a little twinge. “It was a bit tense when I first came out, but they...adapted, I guess. They don’t march in the Pride parade or anything, but it’s all right. I know some lesbians who can’t even see their families anymore. Then there are others who moved away from home, and when they go back, they just pretend they’re not gay at all.”
“How do you feel about that?”
Nikki thought about how it was when she was home. Although she wasn’t pretending to be straight, talking about mythical boyfriends or playing a role to cover up who she really was, she was still aware that her parents weren’t prepared for her to bring someone home to meet them. The usual feelings of hurt, resentment, and regret surged within her chest, but tonight was not the time to be hashing over old wounds. With an effort, she shoved the feelings deep inside. “I think everyone has to decide what’s best for her. It’s not my place to judge or demand certain behavior from anyone else.”
“I admire you,” Kate said. “It takes a lot of courage to be different.”
Nikki bent her head, feeling embarrassed. “I’m not courageous. It’s just a little easier for my generation. I’ve spoken to older lesbians, and they have stories that would curl your hair, but I’ve never really run into anything too outrageous. I know a lot of people are like Katherine Rushton, but since they rarely have the guts to say anything to my face, it’s pretty irrelevant.”
“Does that include your parents?”
Nikki studied her fork, unsure why Kate was so interested. “Mom and Dad aren’t so bad,” she insisted, and wondered if Kate believed her. “They don’t like to talk about it at all. Sometimes Jeff and Julie are a little tough to be around.”
“Your siblings. Ah. You don’t get along?”
“I think they’re scared being gay is a communicable disease.”
Kate smiled faintly. “I see.”
They ate quietly for a few moments before Nikki noticed Kate watching her with an oddly vulnerable expression. “Are you…um, seeing anyone in particular at the moment?”
Nikki felt her heart start to pound. “No.”
Kate placed her fork on her plate and linked her fingers, peering over them at her. “You’re very attractive,” she said, and though her voice was suddenly cool, its underlying quaver made Nikki think that the controlled tone in no way reflected how Kate really felt. “It’s difficult to believe there hasn’t been someone who could appreciate that before now.”
Nikki felt her ears grow warm, not quite knowing how to respond. “That’s very flattering,” she said, suddenly feeling bashful. “The few relationships I’ve been in…haven’t worked out as well as I might have wanted.”
“I guessed that to some extent.” Kate swallowed visibly, the muscles in her neck moving. “What would you...expect from a relationship?”
“I think honesty is the most important,” Nikki said slowly, scrutinizing Kate as she tried to figure out what was going on. “I want someone who isn’t afraid to be with me, who can trust me. Someone I can trust without hesitation.” She forced a smile, attempting to lighten the mood that had become especially intense. “Pretty much the same as everyone else, I guess.”
Kate seemed to relax slightly. “I guess people aren’t really all that different, no matter what walk of life they’re coming from.”
“We all just want to love and be loved. Everything else is...just filling time, I guess.”
They stared at each other in the candlelight for a few moments, before Kate glanced over toward the living room as a slow song began on the stereo. “I�
�ve always loved that song,” she said, tilting her head slightly as she listened to the music.
Nikki gathered her courage, then took the plunge. “Would you care to dance?”
Kate looked back at her, slightly startled, her eyes wide and dark in the candlelight. In a small voice, she said, “All right.”
Nikki took a deep breath before reaching out to Kate. The small fingers trembled in her grasp like a bird attempting to take flight, and she squeezed them reassuringly. Leading Kate over to the space in front of the couch, Nikki took her into her arms, feeling her compact body press lightly against hers, and she grew dizzy at the sensation. Kate, of course, was an incredible dancer, light on her feet, and Nikki instinctively led, realizing that the other woman would be used to that. She felt Kate’s soft body, breathed in the wonderful fragrance of hair and perfume and womanly scent, listened to the soft whisper of breath so close to her, and wondered if she would be able to keep from fainting from the sheer intensity of it all.
After the song was over, Nikki didn’t release her, reluctant to surrender the feeling. Kate also didn’t pull away. They continued to dance as the next song began, fortunately also with a slow tempo. Midway through, Kate lifted her face, and it seemed the most natural thing in the world for Nikki to close the distance between them and kiss her. She felt no hesitation, no hint of surprise or shock on Kate’s part, just the sensation of lips yielding beneath hers, kissing her back, tentative at first, then with more assurance—tender, sweet, infinitely alluring.
An eternity seemed to pass, the connection so perfect, before Nikki could bring herself to end it. Even then it was apparently more her choice than Kate’s. She swallowed hard and gazed down into eyes that were the softest blue she could ever imagine. Huskily, she murmured, “I didn’t invite you up here to seduce you.”
“I know.” Kate’s expression was achingly open and yearning. “I didn’t come up here with that in mind either.”
Nikki felt the emotion surge thick and strong within her chest, leaving her weak and afraid. “Kate, you’re an incredible person. I’d be lying if I told you my feelings were limited to only friendship.” She smiled tremulously, her fingers glancing over Kate’s cheek. “But I know from experience that sex changes things, and it’s not always for the better. I honestly don’t want to pursue this attraction if, in the end, it means you won’t be a part of my life anymore.”
Kate exhaled audibly, her breath brushing warm over Nikki’s throat as she lowered her eyes. “I don’t know what lies in the future,” she said quietly, her voice shaky. “I only know that I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. The more I’m with you, the more I want to be with you, in every way possible.” She leaned into Nikki, as if seeking strength from her. “And while that scares me on one level, the alternative of running away from it scares me even more.”
Nikki bent her head, brushing her lips lightly over Kate’s. “Then don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t run away.”
Chapter Fifteen
Kate wasn’t sure how they had eased over to the couch and sat down without ever losing the connection of their kisses...those incredible kisses. She felt as if she had never kissed anyone in her life. Nikki’s mouth was so tender, so very gentle, the flavor of sweetness and warmth. And she held her so protectively, her embrace strong yet light, comforting, not at all restrictive.
Thinking she could probably spend the rest of her life in Nikki’s arms, Kate was lost in sensations and feelings that she could no longer suppress or deny. She wanted her, actually craved her touch, in a way that she had never experienced before. The feel of Nikki’s hands on her body made her shudder, and Nikki wasn’t even touching her intimately yet, merely caressing her torso lightly through suddenly constrictive clothing. Kate found it hard to breathe and felt a sweet ache between her legs that shocked and titillated her with its intensity. She knew she was wet, could feel the stickiness between her thighs as Nikki’s lips trailed over her neck and throat.
The trill of the phone was an unwelcome and unpleasant surprise, and Nikki reached over and unplugged it.
“It might be important,” Kate whispered, drawing back long enough to catch her breath.
“Nothing is as important as this.”
Kate searched Nikki’s face and saw her own expectation mirrored there. The passion, the desire, the absolute, overwhelming need alternately frightened and elated her. Had she ever felt this way before? She couldn’t remember. Perhaps she should be thinking about what all this meant for her future and where the consequences of her actions would lead her. But it was extremely difficult to think about anything but Nikki’s lips and arms and body, and how much she wanted more of them with every passing second.
She supposed she should be surprised at how she was reacting to Nikki’s touch. Had she considered it beforehand, she would have predicted tentativeness in her response, fear at making a wrong move, and uncertainty at what would be expected of her. Instead, it all felt so wonderfully right, as if everything else she had been doing up until this moment had been completely wrong, as if she had only been playing a role and could finally be her true self only now in this embrace.
Breaking momentarily to catch her own breath, Nikki stroked Kate’s cheek lightly. “Are you sure about this?”
“I’ve never been more sure about anything.”
Nikki hesitated, as if something disturbed her, then smiled weakly. “I didn’t think I’d be the one trying to slow things down.”
Kate was struck by a sudden qualm. “Are we going too fast, Nikki?” She felt shy. “I don’t want you to think this is just...physical for me. I’m not here for a one-night stand.”
“All right. I’m just worried we’re not ready for this.”
Kate cupped the young face in her hands. “It may seem like this...all this...has only happened in the past few days,” she said, “but to be perfectly honest, I’ve spent the last year falling in love with you.”
Nikki jerked, apparently stunned by the declaration. She stared at Kate for a moment, and then, slowly, a luminous smile spread over her face, filled with such joy that Kate felt tears sting her eyes in immediate response. “Oh. Okay.” She inhaled deeply, leaning forward to kiss Kate again, and this time, the connection was deeper, more profound, as if she was no longer holding back.
Kate responded to the more emotional touch by gentling her own, slowing her building passion, channeling it into a more controlled action, settling into Nikki’s arms as she concentrated on how it felt to actually kiss her after her many fantasies about it. Her lips were so soft, so gentle on hers, and she tasted so sweet. Yet Nikki was aggressive at the same time, her tongue running over Kate’s lips, then slipping between them to invade her mouth. Kate understood finally what she had been missing. This was true need, demanding and powerful. This was what it meant to really want someone, to actually ache for them.
This was desire.
She welcomed Nikki’s tongue in her mouth with a hunger that shook her, wanted her own in Nikki’s, and the duel between them only added to the sensation. She wanted to absorb her, to imprint her flavor so deeply upon herself that she would be able to taste it years from now simply from a passing memory of this night.
Somehow, in all the stroking and kissing, they had shifted on the couch. Kate felt her sweater pulled out of her jeans, and she made a sound, a half moan, as she felt warm hands on her back beneath the material. Parting briefly to breathe once more, Kate lost herself in Nikki’s gaze of adoration. She drew her fingers down Nikki’s cheek, leaning closer to brush her lips over that wonderfully full mouth—teasing, brief touches that inflamed them both.
Nikki fumbled at the catch on Kate’s bra. “May I?”
“God, yes.” Kate didn’t wait for her. Instead, she drew back slightly and reached down, pulling both sweater and bra off over her head in one motion, tossing them carelessly behind her.
Kate noticed Nikki swallow visibly, felt her blue eyes devour her torso with palpable
heat, and for the first time she felt self-conscious, aware of certain areas surrendering to gravity and age, of never having been particularly endowed in those areas to begin with. She had always been wiry rather than voluptuous, slender rather than curvaceous. Freckles were scattered over her fair skin, and she knew the swell of her belly had never achieved the flat ideal so many gadgets and drugs in television commercials demanded the viewing public aspire to. She murmured, “I know...I look better with my clothes on.”
Nikki reached up and kissed her, cupping her cheek in a warm palm. “Don’t even think that. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
Flattered, pleased by the compliment so freely offered, Kate inhaled sharply, her head falling back as she felt Nikki’s fingertips slip gently over her breasts and carefully circle her nipples, the sensation more powerful than any she could remember experiencing. Perhaps it was the fact that it had been so long since she had been physically intimate with anyone, but Kate suspected it had more to do with who was fondling her so lovingly. Nikki didn’t just touch her, she blessed her, adored her, worshiped her with her hands and then with her mouth, leaning down to cover one brownish nub with her lips, kissing lightly at first, then flicking it provocatively with her tongue.
“Oh!” Kate cried with part pleasure, part surprise. She arched as Nikki moved over to the other breast, according it the same treatment, the same loving attention, and almost wept when she drew away. “Nikki?”
“Right here,” she assured her quietly. She gazed up at Kate, her features flushed with desire and arousal. “But I do think we’d be more comfortable in the bedroom.”
Nikki’s words slowly penetrated the hazy heat that filled Kate’s head, forcing her to consider moving. “Yes,” she said, finally able to voice a coherent thought. “That’s a good idea. In fact, that’s the most incredibly spectacular idea I’ve ever heard.”
