Ford
That will be excellent. I’ll go and buy them vizards.
Mistress Page
My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies,
Finely attired in a robe of white.
Page
That silk will I go buy.
Aside
And in that time
Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away
And marry her at Eton. Go send to Falstaff straight.
Ford
Nay I’ll to him again in name of Brook
He’ll tell me all his purpose: sure, he’ll come.
Mistress Page
Fear not you that. Go get us properties
And tricking for our fairies.
Sir Hugh Evans
Let us about it: it is admirable pleasures and fery honest knaveries.
Exeunt Page, Ford, and Sir Hugh Evans
Mistress Page
Go, Mistress Ford,
Send quickly to Sir John, to know his mind.
Exit Mistress Ford
I’ll to the doctor: he hath my good will,
And none but he, to marry with Nan Page.
That Slender, though well landed, is an idiot;
And he my husband best of all affects.
The doctor is well money’d, and his friends
Potent at court: he, none but he, shall have her,
Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her.
Exit
SCENE V. A ROOM IN THE GARTER INN.
Enter Host and Simple
Host
What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin? speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
Simple
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.
Host
There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed; ’tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee: knock, I say.
Simple
There’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber: I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I’ll call. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak from thy lungs military: art thou there? it is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.
Falstaff
[Above] How now, mine host!
Host
Here’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy? fie!
Enter Falstaff
Falstaff
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with me; but she’s gone.
Simple
Pray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of
Brentford?
Falstaff
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
Simple
My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.
Falstaff
I spake with the old woman about it.
Simple
And what says she, I pray, sir?
Falstaff
Marry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.
Simple
I would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too from him.
Falstaff
What are they? let us know.
Host
Ay, come; quick.
Simple
I may not conceal them, sir.
Host
Conceal them, or thou diest.
Simple
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page; to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.
Falstaff
’Tis, ’tis his fortune.
Simple
What, sir?
Falstaff
To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
Simple
May I be bold to say so, sir?
Falstaff
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
Simple
I thank your worship: I shall make my master glad with these tidings.
Exit
Host
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?
Falstaff
Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
Enter Bardolph
Bardolph
Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host
Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.
Bardolph
Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans
Sir Hugh Evans
Where is mine host?
Host
What is the matter, sir?
Sir Hugh Evans
Have a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you: you are wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
Exit
Enter Doctor Caius
Doctor Caius
Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host
Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
Doctor Caius
I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: by my trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know to come. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
Exit
Host
Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I am undone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
Exeunt Host and Bardolph
Falstaff
I would all the world might be cozened; for I have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court, how I have been transformed and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop by drop and liquor fishermen’s boots with me; I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter Mistress Quickly
Now, whence come you?
Mistress Quickly
From the two parties, forsooth.
Falstaff
The devil take one party and his dam the other! and so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.
Mistress Quickly
And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
Falstaff
What tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’ the stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch.
Mistress Quickly
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: you shall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what a
do here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.
Falstaff
Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt
SCENE VI. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE GARTER INN.
Enter Fenton and Host
Host
Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy: I will give over all.
Fenton
Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
And, as I am a gentleman, I’ll give thee
A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
Host
I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will at the least keep your counsel.
Fenton
From time to time I have acquainted you
With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
Who mutually hath answer’d my affection,
So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
Even to my wish: I have a letter from her
Of such contents as you will wonder at;
The mirth whereof so larded with my matter,
That neither singly can be manifested,
Without the show of both; fat Falstaff
Hath a great scene: the image of the jest
I’ll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host.
To-night at Herne’s oak, just ’twixt twelve and one,
Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen;
The purpose why, is here: in which disguise,
While other jests are something rank on foot,
Her father hath commanded her to slip
Away with Slender and with him at Eton
Immediately to marry: she hath consented: Now, sir,
Her mother, ever strong against that match
And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
That he shall likewise shuffle her away,
While other sports are tasking of their minds,
And at the deanery, where a priest attends,
Straight marry her: to this her mother’s plot
She seemingly obedient likewise hath
Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests:
Her father means she shall be all in white,
And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
To take her by the hand and bid her go,
She shall go with him: her mother hath intended,
The better to denote her to the doctor,
For they must all be mask’d and vizarded,
That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed,
With ribands pendent, flaring ’bout her head;
And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
The maid hath given consent to go with him.
Host
Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
Fenton
Both, my good host, to go along with me:
And here it rests, that you’ll procure the vicar
To stay for me at church ’twixt twelve and one,
And, in the lawful name of marrying,
To give our hearts united ceremony.
Host
Well, husband your device; I’ll to the vicar:
Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
Fenton
So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
Besides, I’ll make a present recompense.
Exeunt
ACT V
SCENE I. A ROOM IN THE GARTER INN.
Enter Falstaff and Mistress Quickly
Falstaff
Prithee, no more prattling; go. I’ll hold. This is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. Away I go. They say there is divinity in odd numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. Away!
Mistress Quickly
I’ll provide you a chain; and I’ll do what I can to get you a pair of horns.
Falstaff
Away, I say; time wears: hold up your head, and mince.
Exit Mistress Quickly
Enter Ford
How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the matter will be known to-night, or never. Be you in the Park about midnight, at Herne’s oak, and you shall see wonders.
Ford
Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me you had appointed?
Falstaff
I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a poor old man: but I came from her, Master Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed frenzy. I will tell you: he beat me grievously, in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver’s beam; because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with me: I’ll tell you all, Master Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant and whipped top, I knew not what ’twas to be beaten till lately. Follow me: I’ll tell you strange things of this knave Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged, and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.
Exeunt
SCENE II. WINDSOR PARK.
Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender
Page
Come, come; we’ll couch i’ the castle-ditch till we see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my daughter.
Slender
Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her and we have a nay-word how to know one another: I come to her in white, and cry ‘mum;’ she cries ‘budget;’ and by that we know one another.
Shallow
That’s good too: but what needs either your ’mum’ or her ‘budget?’ the white will decipher her well enough. It hath struck ten o’clock.
Page
The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let’s away; follow me.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A STREET LEADING TO THE PARK.
Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Doctor Caius
Mistress Page
Master doctor, my daughter is in green: when you see your time, take her by the band, away with her to the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the Park: we two must go together.
Doctor Caius
I know vat I have to do. Adieu.
Mistress Page
Fare you well, sir.
Exit Doctor Caius
My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor’s marrying my daughter: but ’tis no matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of heart-break.
Mistress Ford
Where is Nan now and her troop of fairies, and the
Welsh devil Hugh?
Mistress Page
They are all couched in a pit hard by Herne’s oak, with obscured lights; which, at the very instant of Falstaff’s and our meeting, they will at once display to the night.
Mistress Ford
That cannot choose but amaze him.
Mistress Page
If he be not amazed, he will be mocked; if he be amazed, he will every way be mocked.
Mistress Ford
We’ll betray him finely.
Mistress Page
Against such lewdsters and their lechery
Those that betray them do no treachery.
Mistress Ford
The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!
Exeunt
SCENE IV. WINDSOR PARK.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans, disguised, with others as Fairies
Sir Hugh Evans
Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts: be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I give the watch-’ords, do as I pid you: come, come; trib, trib.
Exeunt
SCENE V. ANOTHER PART OF THE PARK.
Enter Falstaff disguised as Herne
Falstaff
The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods ass
ist me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love! that, in some respects, makes a beast a man, in some other, a man a beast. You were also, Jupiter, a swan for the love of Leda. O omnipotent Love! how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast. O Jove, a beastly fault! And then another fault in the semblance of a fowl; think on ’t, Jove; a foul fault! When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag; and the fattest, I think, i’ the forest. Send me a cool rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? Who comes here? my doe?
Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
Mistress Ford
Sir John! art thou there, my deer? my male deer?
Falstaff
My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Green Sleeves, hail kissing-comfits and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me here.
Mistress Ford
Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
Falstaff
Divide me like a bribe buck, each a haunch: I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true spirit, welcome!
Noise within
Mistress Page
Alas, what noise?
Mistress Ford
Heaven forgive our sins
Falstaff
What should this be?
Mistress Ford
Mistress Page
Away, away!
They run off
Falstaff
I think the devil will not have me damned, lest the oil that’s in me should set hell on fire; he would never else cross me thus.
Enter Sir Hugh Evans, disguised as before; Pistol, as Hobgoblin; Mistress Quickly, Anne Page, and others, as Fairies, with tapers
Mistress Quickly
Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
You moonshine revellers and shades of night,
You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,
Attend your office and your quality.
Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.
Pistol
Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.
Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap:
Where fires thou find’st unraked and hearths unswept,
There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry:
Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery.
Falstaff
Complete Plays, The Page 298
