Viola
Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
Fabian
I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.
Viola
I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
Fabian
Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can.
Viola
I shall be much bound to you for’t: I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
Exeunt
Re-enter Sir Toby Belch, with Sir Andrew
Sir Toby Belch
Why, man, he’s a very devil; I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.
Sir Andrew
Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.
Sir Toby Belch
Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.
Sir Andrew
Plague on’t, an I thought he had been valiant and so cunning in fence, I’ld have seen him damned ere I’ld have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
Sir Toby Belch
I’ll make the motion: stand here, make a good show on’t: this shall end without the perdition of souls.
Aside
Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
Re-enter Fabian and Viola
To Fabian
I have his horse to take up the quarrel:
I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.
Fabian
He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
Sir Toby Belch
[To Viola] There’s no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for’s oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
Viola
[Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
Fabian
Give ground, if you see him furious.
Sir Toby Belch
Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour’s sake, have one bout with you; he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on; to’t.
Sir Andrew
Pray God, he keep his oath!
Viola
I do assure you, ’tis against my will.
They draw
Enter Antonio
Antonio
Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
If you offend him, I for him defy you.
Sir Toby Belch
You, sir! why, what are you?
Antonio
One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
Sir Toby Belch
Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
They draw
Enter Officers
Fabian
O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
Sir Toby Belch
I’ll be with you anon.
Viola
Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
Sir Andrew
Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you, I’ll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily and reins well.
First Officer
This is the man; do thy office.
Second Officer
Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
Antonio
You do mistake me, sir.
First Officer
No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
Take him away: he knows I know him well.
Antonio
I must obey.
To Viola
This comes with seeking you:
But there’s no remedy; I shall answer it.
What will you do, now my necessity
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.
Second Officer
Come, sir, away.
Antonio
I must entreat of you some of that money.
Viola
What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,
And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
I’ll lend you something: my having is not much;
I’ll make division of my present with you:
Hold, there’s half my coffer.
Antonio
Will you deny me now?
Is’t possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
Viola
I know of none;
Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
Antonio
O heavens themselves!
Second Officer
Come, sir, I pray you, go.
Antonio
Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
First Officer
What’s that to us? The time goes by: away!
Antonio
But O how vile an idol proves this god
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there’s no blemish but the mind;
None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind:
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks o’erflourish’d by the devil.
First Officer
The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.
Antonio
Lead me on.
Exit with Officers
Viola
Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
That he believes himself: so do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!
Sir Toby Belch
Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
Viola
He named Sebastian: I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate: O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
Exit
Sir Toby Belch
A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
Fabi
an
A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
Sir Andrew
’Slid, I’ll after him again and beat him.
Sir Toby Belch
Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
Sir Andrew
An I do not,—
Fabian
Come, let’s see the event.
Sir Toby Belch
I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.
Exeunt
ACT IV
SCENE I. BEFORE OLIVIA’S HOUSE.
Enter Sebastian and Clown
Clown
Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?
Sebastian
Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:
Let me be clear of thee.
Clown
Well held out, i’ faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.
Sebastian
I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou know’st not me.
Clown
Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?
Sebastian
I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There’s money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.
Clown
By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report — after fourteen years’ purchase.
Enter Sir Andrew, Sir Toby Belch, and Fabian
Sir Andrew
Now, sir, have I met you again? there’s for you.
Sebastian
Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there. Are all the people mad?
Sir Toby Belch
Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house.
Clown
This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be in some of your coats for two pence.
Exit
Sir Toby Belch
Come on, sir; hold.
Sir Andrew
Nay, let him alone: I’ll go another way to work with him; I’ll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it’s no matter for that.
Sebastian
Let go thy hand.
Sir Toby Belch
Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.
Sebastian
I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.
Sir Toby Belch
What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.
Enter Olivia
Olivia
Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!
Sir Toby Belch
Madam!
Olivia
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne’er were preach’d! out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario.
Rudesby, be gone!
Exeunt Sir Toby Belch, Sir Andrew, and Fabian
I prithee, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and thou unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botch’d up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
Sebastian
What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
Olivia
Nay, come, I prithee; would thou’ldst be ruled by me!
Sebastian
Madam, I will.
Olivia
O, say so, and so be!
Exeunt
SCENE II. OLIVIA’S HOUSE.
Enter Maria and Clown
Maria
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.
Exit
Clown
Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
Enter Sir Toby Belch and Maria
Sir Toby Belch
Jove bless thee, master Parson.
Clown
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is is;’ so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, what is ‘that’ but ‘that,’ and ‘is’ but ‘is’?
Sir Toby Belch
To him, Sir Topas.
Clown
What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!
Sir Toby Belch
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
Malvolio
[Within] Who calls there?
Clown
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
Malvolio
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Clown
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
Sir Toby Belch
Well said, Master Parson.
Malvolio
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.
Clown
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark?
Malvolio
As hell, Sir Topas.
Clown
Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
Malvolio
I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
Clown
Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
Malvolio
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
Clown
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
Malvolio
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
Clown
What thinkest thou of his opinion?
Malvolio
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
Clown
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
Malvolio
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
Sir Toby Belch
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
Clown
Nay, I am for all waters.
Maria
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he
sees thee not.
Sir Toby Belch
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
Exeunt Sir Toby Belch and Maria
Clown
[Singing]
‘Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.’
Malvolio
Fool!
Clown
‘My lady is unkind, perdy.’
Malvolio
Fool!
Clown
‘Alas, why is she so?’
Malvolio
Fool, I say!
Clown
‘She loves another’— Who calls, ha?
Malvolio
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.
Clown
Master Malvolio?
Malvolio
Ay, good fool.
Clown
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
Malvolio
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
Clown
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
Malvolio
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
Clown
Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.
Malvolio
Sir Topas!
Clown
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi’ you, good Sir Topas. Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.
Malvolio
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Clown
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you.
Malvolio
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
Clown
Well-a-day that you were, sir
Malvolio
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
Clown
I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
Malvolio
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
Clown
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
Malvolio
Complete Plays, The Page 337
