by A. S. Kelly
“I think you did,” I answer, my nerves shot to
pieces. “Some things don’t happen by mistake,
Nate. You’re the one who let it happen.”
“I fell in love with her, I couldn’t avoid it,” he
dares to say, and just thinking about what he’d like
to say pushes me over the edge.
“Don’t you even try to tell me about it!” I yell,
now close to a hysterical meltdown. “I don’t want
to know anything. I don’t want to know how
special she is, how you fell hopelessly in love with
her, how you f—”
“Oh, come on!” Nate raises his voice and
positions himself in front of me, moving in close
to my face. “We’re young, these things happen. It’s
not like I put a ring on your finger! And like you
said, we were already at the end of the line.”
“Are you trying to soothe your conscience? Or
maybe you want to imply it’s my fault? Things
happen for a reason, Nate. Maybe this is the
confirmation that you’re not the person I thought
you were,” I conclude, just barely holding back the
tears.
“What are you going to do now? Who’s going
to help you? We both know you’re not very good
at making it on your own.”
“I guess that’s none of your business anymore,
Nate. Get out of here and don’t ever come back!”
I hiccup as he grabs my arm, forcing me to look
him right in the eyes. That’s when I hear the pub
door slam open and someone pulls Nate away
from me.
“What the fuck … Hey, man!”
“Get the hell out of here, now!”
Patrick is in front of Nate, who has fallen onto
the pavement. His arms are tense alongside his
hips and his hands are in fists.
“I was just talking to my girlfriend,” he tries to
stand up, but Patrick pushes him again, forcing
him to stay where he was.
“It doesn’t seem to me that she wants to keep
talking with you.”
“This isn’t your business, Patrick,” Nate
protests.
“Actually it is. She works for me and this is my
place. I don’t want any trouble here—inside or out.
I don’t want any assholes here, is that clear?”
“Asshole who? Me?” Nate gets up and stands
threateningly close to Patrick.
He doesn’t realize what he’s getting himself into
so I decide to intervene and save his life.
“Nate was just going,” I say in a whisper. “And
… I’m not his girlfriend any longer,” I say with a
touch of bitterness.
“You should come and get your things as soon
as possible.”
I nod and lower my glance, pursing my lips.
He’s intentionally humiliating me and it wasn’t
necessary.
Nate pulls his collar up on his coat and walks
off towards the parking lot without turning around.
I take a big breath and turn towards Patrick,
who is still on his feet next to me and is staring at
Nate as he gets further and further away into the
cold night.
“I’m sorry, I…”
He shakes his head and makes a gesture with his
hand so that I don’t continue talking. Then he
turns, opens the door, and goes back in, leaving me
alone, freezing cold and even more desperate.
Patrick
I’m not serving at the counter tonight and it’s kind
of nice. Waiting tables helps me to flirt with the
girls and allows me more time to choose my next
‘special friend’ better and avoid mistakes like the
one I made the other night.
I stay a few minutes with a group of girls with
no guys, who are a bit tipsy but not yet drunk. I
note the table number mentally to assure myself
that they all know how to get home at the end of
the night without driving. I always do. I want our
clients to drink, of course, that’s how we make our
money, but I don’t want anybody getting killed
after they leave our place and I especially don’t
want them to kill anyone else.
I take their empty glasses and go to the counter
to fill them with another round, when out of the
corner of my eye I see something I don’t like.
Erin is outside in the cold without a jacket and
she’s talking very animatedly with her adorable
asshole boyfriend.
I shake my head and go back to the counter
where I set down the serving tray. I turn to look
and see that the conversation has grown more
animated to the point that he’s grabbed her by the
arm.
I have a mother, two sisters and one half-sister. I
have fun with girls, it’s true, but only the
consenting ones and those who are just as crazy as
I am. Women are the cornerstone of life, the motor
that makes the world turn—and even if I don’t
want to love any one of them, it doesn’t mean that
I don’t respect them and that I can permit some
jackass like this guy to treat a girl however he
damn well pleases.
I set down the serving tray, then go and storm
towards the door. I slam it open and shut before
pushing this asshole down onto the cold hard
ground.
Erin is crying by now and has covered her eyes
with her hands. The asshole tries to speak but I
don’t allow him to.
Explanations are useless and in my experience,
if you’re an asshole once, you’re an asshole
forever.
So I tell him to get the hell out of here,
justifying my reaction by claiming a sort of
employer-employee relationship with Erin which
could even be true. But in all honesty, I would
have done the same for anyone, even someone I
didn’t already know.
He gets up and walks away without too many
threats, telling Erin that she’s homeless and she
has to go pick up her shit from his apartment.
What a fucker.
Erin tries to talk to me, but I can’t listen to her
excuses. Who in the world would have to
apologize for some asshole like that?
So, I go back inside with my hands still
bunched into fists, worked up into a mix of rage
and adrenalin that this idiot has provoked.
I glance at Erin who is still outside. She’s
hugging herself and her shoulders are heaving. I
think she’s still crying.
Then I huff and, swearing to myself, go to the
back room and grab her jacket while Jay and
Aaron ask me what the hell is going on. I open the
door—slowly this time because I don’t want to
scare her—and wrap the jacket around her
shoulders. Her sobs subside a bit before she turns
to me and buries her face in my chest.
I am frozen with my arms in the air, and I’m
fucking terrified.
No woman has ever cried in my arms, not even
my little sisters. They prefer to go to my mom or
any other one of my brothers. It’s not because I
> don’t want to comfort them, but because I’m not
able to. I’m practical and rational. I only know
how to punch people or tell them to go to hell.
Sympathy and understanding really is not my
thing.
The calm lasts a few seconds and the hiccups
return; Erin is shaking and sobbing and it’s a fight
against myself, against all that I am and have been,
and against the strongest part of me.
I fight and lose miserably, because after two
minutes and fifty-five seconds I close my arms
around her body. I pull her closer to me, close
enough to feel the heat of her tears through my
shirt—shit, I brought her a coat and I’m out here in
a T-shirt! And I don’t know how or why, but I
brush my lips against her short dark hair that’s
dampened by the night air.
We stay like that for a bit while I let myself lean
up against the wall, bringing her with me. She
snuggles up to me and slowly calms down. Her
hiccupping stops and her breathing slows down.
I sigh and count the beats that my stupid
fucking heart is pounding out against my chest,
reminding me that perhaps, someplace, I have a
heart too.
I close my eyes and swear again to myself,
because I’m just starting to realize that I’ve been
foolish, an asshole and, worse, an asshole who
deceives himself.
3
Erin
“Well, he sure is an asshole.”
I nod, drinking another sip of tea. I’m not
working today and I’ve gone by Nate’s house to
get a few things. I didn’t have a lot of time, I didn’t
want to run into him, so I went when I knew he
would be at school. I took two big bags and threw
all my stuff in. A few outfits, underwear, personal
things. I have to go back and get the rest, but I still
don’t feel like doing so.
I’ve been staying in Liam’s ex-apartment for a
week, practically since Rain invited me to stay. I
haven’t said much to the guys about it, just that I’ll
be staying here a few days and to their credit, they
didn’t ask me about it. They always have been
pretty discreet and I appreciate that.
I tell her about what happened with Patrick.
“Patrick? You mean our Patrick?”
“How many others do we know?”
“It just seems strange. That’s not like him.”
“Yeah.” I sigh.
I still feel uncomfortable about what happened.
I shouldn’t have cried on his shoulder—or his
chest if you want to get specific about it. He was
there, I was in the middle of an emotional crisis
and the rest was just instinct. I shouldn’t have done
it and things have been a bit weird between us
since then. We never talk and he always seems to
be tense when I’m in view.
“I’ve gotta get back down there,” Rain says,
eyeing her watch. “My break’s up. Why don’t you
come too? Maybe it’ll take your mind off things?”
“No thanks, I prefer to stay here.”
“I don’t like knowing you’re here alone, feeling
blue.”
“I have to study, I’ve got an exam in a few days
and I’m way behind. I’ve gotta really crack down
on this while I can.”
“Alright, but if you need anything—”
“I’ll call you.”
Rain gets up off the couch and kisses my cheek
before turning and heading downstairs.
“Erin … you’re important for me. Well, yeah.
You’re one of my best friends and one of the best
people I know. I just want to tell you that I’m here
and whatever decision you make—”
“Thanks,” I say, cutting her off before we both
break out sobbing. “I appreciate it.”
She smiles at me with her big wet eyes, leaving
me alone with my thoughts, my anxieties and my
fears.
I’m three exams from graduating, then I’ve got
to do my thesis. I can wrap that all up and then …
and then we’ll see. I don’t need Nate. But I really
am alone.
Dad is gone and Mom lives in San Francisco.
I’ve got nobody here except for Rain. How will I
make it? Nate was right when he said I’ve never
done anything on my own. I have always been
daddy’s spoilt little girl. I’ve never had to ask for
anything or force myself to do anything. It was
always there waiting for me, wrapped and ready to
go. I work at the pub, it’s true—my dad always
made fun of me for that, thinking it was just my
way of showing my independence. And I guess in
a way it was true, at least in the beginning, but I’ve
come to like the place, the people, and the clients
who come here. It’s almost become like a second
home for me here.
I’m an only child and it’s always been just Dad
and me. I don’t have cousins and Dad was also an
only child and the grandparents died when I was
little. All my mother’s family are in the States, so I
really don’t have anyone else to count on. Dad
didn’t want to go, leaving me here, but I had Nate
and Dad trusted him. I couldn’t have imagined he
would have left me for the first thing that passed
his way. And yet … that’s just what happened. You
think you really know somebody, especially those
near you, and instead you never stop learning and
you end up disappointed.
The cell phone rings, jarring me from my
thoughts. I look at the display: it’s Nate. I let it
ring until it goes to voicemail. After a few minutes
I get an SMS. Reluctantly I press the button and
read:
Your stuff is all at the entryway in boxes. You’ve
got until tomorrow to come get it.
I let myself fall back onto the couch, grabbing a
pillow and pushing my face into it to wipe out my
thoughts. Why does he have to be such an asshole?
Isn’t it enough for him to realize the way he
behaved? What do one or two days matter?
I guess he’s really in a hurry to get rid of me.
Right up to last week we were making plans
together. We had common goals. And now, his
goals have changed. So have mine, and our two
different outlooks can’t be reconciled.
Then I take a big breath of air and slowly let it
out. I throw the pillow to the ground and stand up.
I look for my shoes, take my jacket and grab the
keys and head downstairs. I’ll have to get a cab,
obviously I don’t have a car and it doesn’t seem
like a great idea to take two big boxes on the bus.
I open the pub door and the warmth and music
from this place is like a full frontal assault that
burns my eyes. I look at Rain from behind the
counter. She’s touching Liam’s arm and he’s
smiling back at her. I see Jay at a table, joking
around with two customers. I see Patrick and
Aaron arguing with Ned, one of the usual dru
nks. I
see people laughing, talking. It all seems like a big
family.
I take a deep breath and hold in my feelings,
I’m getting emotional and I don’t really understand
why.
I head toward the door to leave when Rain
notices me.
“Where are you going?” she asks, her voice
rising above the noise in the place.
“I have to go get my things.”
“Now?”
“Yep.”
“Alone?” Rain blinks her eyes, worried.
I move in closer so that everyone in the place
doesn’t have to listen to my problems.
“It’s all ready for me. Nate threw all my stuff
into the entryway in a few boxes.”
“What’s the big hurry?” she asks with a strained
voice.
“What’s going on?” Liam interrupts our
discussion.
“Nothing,” I reply vaguely. “I just have to go do
something.”
“Liam and I will come with you.”
“No, Rain. Really—”
“Something wrong?” Patrick comes toward the
counter looking first at me, then at Liam and Rain.
“Liam and I were just going out,” Rain
intervenes.
“Both of you? To do what? We’ve got a busy
night, you can’t both leave.”
“We’ll be back in a hour.”
Patrick looks at me before speaking with Liam.
“Give me the car keys.”
“What?” Liam, Rain and I all ask in unison.
“You’re going where I think you’re going?” he
asks me with an edge to his voice.
I nod and look away because the embarrassment
of the last time we were together still burns my
cheeks.
“I’ve only got a motorcycle, so I can’t bring
suitcases and stuff. So, Liam, give me your car
keys, and I’ll go get her things.”
Liam puts his hands in his pocket and produces
the keys. Before giving them to Patrick, he leans
closer and whispers in his ear: “Don’t do anything
stupid.”
Patrick doesn’t even look at him; he just takes
the keys and makes a motion with his head to
indicate that I should follow him. I look at Rain
who mimes with her lips: Relax, it’s going to be
okay, and then I follow Patrick out of the bar.
Patrick
I grab the keys and go directly outside before
asking myself what the hell I’m doing. Erin
follows me in silence, folding her arms tightly
against her chest. I open the door to get behind the
driver’s seat and she climbs in and sits next to me,
