by A. S. Kelly
console her.
That asshole Nate is also here. Okay, he doesn’t
bother me as much as he did before, and I do feel
some empathy for him, but he’s still an asshole. He
stays to the side, looking on from a distance,
unable to say or do anything.
I can understand him. He feels out of place, but
he shouldn’t because Lily is his daughter and
always will be, no matter what.
Erin comes out of the room and greets
everyone, drying her eyes. She’s sad and depressed
and I’d like to make her laugh like I used to but I
don’t think one of my jokes would do it.
I can’t imagine what it means to her to have to
leave Lily. If it’s really painful for me it must be
unsustainable for her. I squeeze her gently, giving
her a kiss on the forehead.
“Be strong, it’s almost over, you just need to
hang on a bit longer.”
She nods, unconvinced and my mother takes her
in her arms.
“Oh my dear. You’ll see that she’ll be well soon
and you’ll be able to bring her home. Come on,
let’s walk for a bit.” And they set off while
everyone looks at them sadly.
“Uh, Patrick, could we talk for a minute?” Nate
comes over to me.
“Sure,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.
We distance ourselves from the group and sit
down on some plastic chairs in the hallway.
Nate runs his hand through his hair and sighs.
“I wanted to ask you something,” he starts
saying before turning to look at me. “I’d like to ask
you to take care of them.”
“Nate, this is not the moment for that.”
“She has decided,” he says, smiling at me with a
tight face. “She always has chosen you, even when
I tried my hardest to convince her we could make
it. I care for Erin and for Lily’s sake I would have
tried a million times, but it wouldn’t have been the
right thing for either of us. And Erin has always
known that. I wanted you to know that she never
wanted me, Patrick.” He says this as he looks at
me again. “I don’t want there to be any doubts
about that.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want Erin and Lily to be happy, to
know that they have a family who love them and
can always be there for them their whole life.”
“Nate, you’re her father, of course you’re going
to be part of her life, no matter what Erin decides,
whether I am there or not.”
He smiles crookedly.
“Of course you’re going to be there.”
“Nate—”
“Just … make them happy, okay?” he says
before standing up and going to the stairs.
“What did asshole number one want?” Jay asks,
coming over to me with Aaron.
“He just wanted to clear a few things up with
me.”
“Don’t tell me he’s still trying to convince her
to play ‘happy families’.”
“Nah, I think he’s accepted the idea.”
“Good for him. He wouldn’t have stood a
chance,” Aaron says.
I look at him with a raised eyebrow waiting for
the punchline.
“Hey, Jay, could you please explain to this idiot
what the situation is?”
Jay laughs and sits down next to me, putting a
hand on my leg.
“Oh Patrick, what are we going to do with
you?”
“Hum?”
“That girl loves you.”
29
Erin
Patrick came to pick me up to take me to see Lily.
By now it’s been three weeks that I’ve been doing
this treck from home to the hospital and back
every day to stay with her as much as possible.
Sometimes I go with my parents, sometimes
with Nate or Patrick, even when the nurse told me
when he doesn’t come with me he goes by himself
and stays with the baby as long as she lets him. He
has not missed one day.
We don’t talk much in the car because I’m
always so anxious to see her, afraid that something
may have happened to her in my absence.
Patrick brushes my hand and squeezes it lightly.
I turn to smile at him before looking out the
window and counting the minutes that separate us
from seeing her again.
These weeks have been so frenetic and
confusing that I still haven’t had time to be alone
with him to speak and try to clear things up. To tell
him how I feel.
I’m afraid that by now the moment has passed
and that something is broken between us,
something that can’t be repaired. It’s true, he’s
always present and told me that he would always
be there for us, but that doesn’t mean that we’ll be
a traditional family and we’ll all live under the
same roof.
It’s obvious he’s fond of Lily and so is the rest
of his family but that does not imply that he also
loves her mother and wants to spend the rest of his
life with her.
We go up the stairs: by now I am healed and a
little bit of movement will help me get back to my
old shape, if that’s ever going to be possible.
When I get to the window, I go to look for baby
number 12 but the bed is empty. I turn to look at
Patrick but I find him a few steps away holding a
little bundle. He comes to me and gently folds
back the cover.
“Here’s your mama, Lily.” He says to me setting
her in my arms. “Today we’re all going home
together.”
“Today?” I say, holding her to me. “Really?”
“I wanted it to be a surprise,” he says, smiling at
me.
“Oh, Patrick,” I exclaim, before his strong
tattooed arms embrace us both.
~ ~ ~
“Why are we here?” I ask him. “I thought we were
going home.”
Patrick opens the automatic gate of the villa
where he lives with the other guys. He gets back in
beside me and parks next to Liam’s car and then
comes round to open the door for us. He takes Lily
in his arms and waits for me to get my feet on the
ground.
“I don’t understand.”
“Come on,” he says, leading me inside.
Still confused I follow him into the house. I’ve
been here other times, I know it well, but I can’t
understand why this time crossing the threshold
it’s different.
It’s intimate.
We climb up two flights of stairs and get to the
attic door.
“Patrick?”
“Welcome home,” he says, smiling at me and
opening the door.
I peek my head inside and what I see literally
takes my breath away.
Rain’s mini apartment has been turned
completely upside down. The walls have been
painted green and yellow. In the middle of the
main room is a king-size bed and next to it is a
white wooden crib. There’s a changing table full of
accessories, diapers, baby creams and lotions.
“I thought in the beginning she could stay here
with us until she gets big enough to have her own
room. That would be … uh, this one here,” he
says, opening a door on his right.
I cover my mouth with my hand to stop the sobs
that are coming. The walls are pink and white and
the room is full of pictures of all of the family. My
parents are there, her mom and Carl, his brothers
and sisters, the guys, and Nate.
In the middle of the room there’s a little bed and
it looks like it’s been painted by fairies with a
dozen stuffed animals on it in every size and
shape.
Under the window there’s an armchair with a
colored blanket on it. I go to it and run my hand
over the surface, discovering a corner where her
initials have been embroidered.
L.D.
I look up to ask Patrick what it means.
“Lily Doyle,” he says, looking at me with a
tenderness that opens my heart and my mind and
makes me understand that we really are at home.
~ ~ ~
Patrick brings Lily to her new crib. She is
sleeping blessedly as I stay on the terrace enjoying
this strange spring sun and looking at the beautiful
countryside in front of the sea, the hills and the
lighthouse in the distance.
Patrick comes up behind me but I don’t turn
around because my heart is beating like crazy and
because I could faint with joy in his arms. He gets
closer and takes my hand, inviting me to sit.
“I know we haven’t talked about this, and
maybe it seems crazy. But Erin, I am sure. I’ve
never been so sure of anything in my life.”
I nod, continuing to shake.
“I believe that for every man, there exists just
one woman able to make him lose his head, make
him set aside all of his previous ideologies and
convictions. Only one woman who is able to teach
him how to love. But I thought that for me it was
different, that for me there was no one, that they
were all the same: all indiscriminate and fuckable
but not lovable. I was sure that for me that train
would not be passing and I was okay with it. But
it’s not like that anymore and I could never think
about going back to how things were.”
“N-no?”
He shakes his head.
“For every man there’s only one exception. And
you, Erin, you’re mine.”
Patrick
Erin remains speechless. Maybe I exaggerated a
bit, but come on, I’m Patrick and that’s how I do
things.
And yes, all right, I didn’t ask for her opinion
but to tell the truth, I did not want to waste a
second. I want her and Lily here with me every
day to bring in light, color, sound and love.
Because these women are my whole life now.
“Erin O’Neill, you’ve known me for a while
now and you know that, well, I was an asshole and
an idiot for thirty years, until you looked at me and
extended your hand, pulling me out of the
emptiness of my life which did not have any
meaning before you came along. Now I feel that
everything is in the right place, and we, together,
are right and that this is our future. We are a
family.”
“Patrick—”
“I want this life with you, with both of you and
I want it right now, I don’t want to wait another
second.”
“Patrick.” She gets up and lets go of my hands.
“You don’t need to do all of this for us. It isn’t
necessary. You don’t have to do this because Lily’s
here now and you feel like you’re responsible.”
“Erin.” I look for eye contact. “Look at me. I’m
nothing without you. Nothing. The time we spent
apart was un-livable and I never want to feel that
way again. And when I thought I could have lost
you…” I hold back the tears. “My heart
completely stopped. I would have given anything
to have you back with me, I would have traded my
life for yours.”
Erin shakes her head and hides her face and her
tears.
“Erin O’Neill, I am in love with you, and I
should have told you before, I know. I was wrong.
Because you deserve to hear it, to hear it every day
of your fucking life, and I’m going to say it every
day. To love you every moment and with every
breath and to tell you again and again until it
makes you nauseous. I will demonstrate it in every
way I can. And I do not promise you that I will not
commit some random act of bullshit or that I will
stop swearing because I don’t want to lie to you,
ever. But, I can promise you that I will always love
you, that I will love Lily as my own, because that
baby, Erin, has been mine since the first day I
knew of her existence. Erin, I promise to love you
and respect you and to never withhold my support
and my love. I will try to make you happy, I will
make myself lovable, I swear. I will try with all of
my strength because I am indisputably and fucking
yours.”
I get down on my knee to do this thing right.
What the fuck. And I pull out the ring I bought the
day Erin opened her eyes again and I was reborn.
“Erin O’Neill.” I breathe in as deeply as I can
and smile at her with all I’ve got. “Marry me and
make me a man. ”
She laughs, she cries and then laughs again and
cries again. Something tells me I hit the nail on the
head.
“Patrick Doyle,” she says, drying her face with
the back of her hand and looking me in the eyes.
“You are the most wonderful man that there is on
the earth. There’s nothing you need to do to make
us love you, because we already do, we have
always loved you and could never love any other
hothead.” As she talks she caresses my face. “And
if you want us, if you really want us, then we’ll be
yours unconditionally. Because you, Patrick, are a
man who stays, the morning after and the days that
follow. Forever.”
I’m a man who stays.
This woman has given me hope, dreams and a
future. And I intend to love her and the child for
the rest of my life.
I take her in my arms and hold her to me. And I
kiss her, finally, and I will continue to do so all my
fucking life. And she rubs my nape and laughs and
cries and I don’t let her up for a breath.
“Did she say yes?”
Rain’s voice calls up and we burst out laughing
like two idiots. I look at her carefully because
honestly, she didn’t answer at all.
She nods and I yell like a madman.
“She said yes!”
And I squeeze her again, spinning her in the air.
Everyone breaks into ou
r room and, yes, I know
that’s going to happen frequently. More than I’d
like really, but okay, that’s how this house is: full
of chaos and crowds.
Aaron is going to go certified crazy now.
“We’ve stolen Rain’s room.”
“You haven’t stolen anything from me. We will
be very comfortable downstairs; we don’t need all
of this space. And then Liam and I will be forced
to be even closer to each other.” She smiles as
Aaron makes a gagging gesture.
“Everyone helped. We worked night and day for
five days to get this all ready for today. We wanted
your return home to be memorable.”
“Everyone?”
“Everyone.” I smile at her. “All the family.”
The family.
The most important thing in the world.
30
Erin
I take a deep breath and look in the mirror again.
For today, I decided to go back to my old look.
I’ve chosen a black tailleur and a pink blouse in
honor of Lily.
“Ready, dear?”
“Ready,” I say as I smooth down my skirt and
look at the most beautiful image in the world.
A father with his daughter.
Patrick smiles at me and gives me his hand, and
I take it and squeeze it because he is my strength.
Lily never leaves her daddy. She loves him like all
daughters adore their fathers. And I adore this
about the two of them, their exclusive relationship,
intimate and almost secret.
Patrick jumps to his feet at the first sign of
movement or a little cry. He takes her, cuddles her,
sings to her, even when it would be better for her
to calm herself on her own, it’s always better in
daddy’s arms.
Sometimes I wake up in the night and Patrick
isn’t there next to me. And so I tiptoe to her room
where I find them sleeping peacefully in the
armchair. He holding her in his strong tattoed arms
and she with her head resting on his shoulder,
dreaming the sweetest dreams because with a man
like that next to you, nothing else is possible.
We get in the car and head towards the
university where the commission is waiting for me
to discuss my thesis.
Six months have passed since Lily and I came
to live in our new home and since then, Patrick has
done everything to give me the time and space to
concentrate on my future.
I applied for the PHD program as well and I
think my chances of getting accepted are pretty
