Grim determination took hold of him, and he looked at his friend. “Sully, I’ve made up my mind.”
Sully arched an eyebrow. “Oh? What are you going to do?”
Tom got off the stool and stood tall. “I will go see my woman and look out anyone who stands in my way.”
“Attaboy!” Sully clapped his shoulder. “Let’s get out of here.”
Chapter Twenty-One
Tom marched into the hospital ward with a look that dared anyone to stop him. He rode the elevator to Kendra’s ward and stepped out onto the main floor, ready for a fight. But no one was around. He looked down the corridor towards Kendra’s room, but there was no Stella or Marcus standing guard. Perhaps they were in her room? As he walked forward, his mouth dried. But he was not leaving here until he told her how much he loved her. He looked through the little glass window in her door and all he saw was Kendra in bed, so he took a deep breath and entered.
She swung towards him, and for a split second he saw the flare of want and need in her eyes before she tried to hide it. “I told Marcus I didn’t want to see you.”
“Hello to you too, my darling.” And he walked to the bed, took her face in his hands and gently kissed her. She tried to pull back, but it was a very halfhearted effort. “How are you feeling?” He looked her over and she definitely had more color in her cheeks. He felt her forehead and it was cool. “Because if you say you’re feeling better, I just might put you over my knee and spank you for trying to push me away.”
“I’m doing what I think is best—for all of us.” But her voice trembled.
He sighed and stepped away from the bed. “No, you’re not. Your running scared. Believe me. I know because I ran from you four years ago. Too scared to let anyone close in case they left me again. I couldn’t believe a woman like you could really want a man like me.”
She lay back and closed her eyes. “I don’t… I don’t want you. I don’t want you here either, and I don’t want you in my life. This was all a big mistake. I have already instructed my lawyers to set up a visitation and maintenance schedule. Now please leave me alone.”
He stood looking down at her, but she refused to open those lovely eyes and look at him. “So that’s it? At the first hurdle you give up on us? You might have given up but I haven’t.”
Her eyes flashed open and speared him with anger. “You have no right to preach to me. You who ignored me for four years and only decided I was worth consideration when you learned about Connor. Well, you can have access to your son, but I’ve decided you and I are wrong for each other. So understand that.”
“Oh, I understand all right. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I’m pissed as hell at you. I had to prove to you I committed to this relationship, I’m here and I am, but at the first chicane you blew out. Abandoned the race. Let us run out of fuel—”
“Enough with the racing metaphors. This is real life.” She thumped her chest. “I can’t count on anyone but me. This is—”
“Scary? Terrible? Frightening beyond measure?” Her beautiful eyes filled with tears, but he pushed on. He had to. He had to make her understand. He took her hand and drew it to his lips. He pressed a kiss to her palm. “But it’s not so frightening when I’m holding your hand in mine.”
A tear tracked down her cheek. “It is for me because… because if I’m really sick again… I don’t want you to see me that way. Besides, with you by my side I’ll fight, and I’ll fight hard, but this time if I lose… I lose too much. Better to fight on my own. When death comes calling, you’re on your own. No one else can help you. Besides, you’ve lost so much already, you’d end up hating me. Find someone else to love.”
“It’s a little too late because I love you, so there goes that argument. And I’d never hate you. I might be pissed at you, at God, at life, but I’d love you for the rest of my life. If, heaven forbid, you lost the battle, I would know that it wasn’t your choice. I’d never blame you for that. What I blame you for is pushing me away without a fight. You aren’t fighting for us—for me.”
She said nothing.
Tom wasn’t letting her off easy. “Right from the start, you worried I wouldn’t stay the course. You wanted me to prove that I was in this relationship for real. That you meant as much to me as Connor. Well, this is real and I’m here. It’s you who’s bailed.”
Like a knife being shoved in his chest, she leaned over and pressed the buzzer for the nurse. “Just go. I’m so tired. It’s over.”
“You don’t mean it. You love me as much as I love you.”
She turned to him and almost snarled. “I don’t have the energy to love you. Right now you’re just an added complication that I don’t need.”
Tom’s sympathy was diminishing like an ice cube melting away. “So that’s it? You’ve given up on us? I thought you were a fighter.”
Before he could make her answer, the door opened. A nurse entered, “Everything all right in here?”
“Mr. Lorde was just leaving.”
Tom gripped the railing of Kendra’s bed so tight he thought his knuckles would crack. He stood staring at the woman who held his heart in her hands and fear seeped in. She wouldn’t look at him. He tried to imagine what thoughts must run through her head. The thought of her cancer being back was Kendra’s kryptonite. She would immediately worry about Connor and what this would do to him. Kendra not wanting to see her son—that scared him the most. It was as if she’d given up.
Obviously, she was in self-preservation mode. To finally be this happy and then have it ripped away would be unthinkable to him—losing Kendra was unthinkable to him—he could understand why she was reacting this way. Fear made people into strangers. But he couldn’t live his life scared that bad things would happen. He couldn’t go through the pain of being rejected again and again.
“I’ll leave. For now. But unlike you, I’m not giving up.” He brushed a tear from her cheek with his thumb. “This might not be cancer so don’t ruin something wonderful for nothing. If you can’t let me be a part of everything in your life, the good, the bad, the heartbreaking, then I can’t be part of only the good times, because I’ll be sitting waiting, every day, for you to decide to push me away again. My heart can’t take that.”
That made her look at him. But instead of saying ‘yes, I’m being silly. I need you…’ she merely nodded.
He tried to leave, but he couldn’t pry his fingers off the bed rail. He wanted to get down on his knees and beg her to fight for them, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good. She had to come to that conclusion herself.
He would wait. He would pray her cancer wasn’t back and he would pray she was strong enough to let him into her life—all of it.
He finally backed away from the bed as the nurse cleared her throat. He had to tell her. “In case you’re interested, I am a match for my father, but he’s not strong enough to have the operation. I don’t know how long he has, so I’m taking Connor to see him.”
This time her head snapped up and her eyes welled and he thought he saw her hand move toward him. “I’m so sorry, Tom.”
He nodded. “So am I.” Then he turned and left before he started yelling and screaming at her to think about what she was doing. He bumped into Stella as he stepped into the corridor.
Her face broke into a huge grin. “She let you visit with her. That’s…” Her words petered out as he shook his head. “Shit. I’m sorry. Just give her time. She’s so scared.”
“And I’m not? I love her. I’ve finally found her and Connor.”
Stella placed her hand on his arm. “Imagine what it’s like for her then. She’s the one that could die. She is brave enough to face this if she only has herself to worry about. But she knows what it will do to you and Connor to have to watch. And she’s decided she’d rather lose you now than later. Stupid, I know, but I can kind of understand. She finally thought she had it all, and now it’s being taken from her.”
“Can’t you talk to her. Make her see I want to be with her.”<
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Stella simply shook her head. “One thing our Kendra is, is stubborn. Once she’s made up her mind—how do you think she beat cancer last time? She stubbornly refused to die.” She looked at Tom and added, “If her cancer is back, and pushing you away is what Kendra needs to do to beat it again, I’ll support her decision. I may not like it, but it’s not about you and I right now. It’s about supporting what Kendra needs.”
Tom’s anger drained away. Stella was right. This was about Kendra and what she needed. But deep inside a wall was building. It was obvious Kendra didn’t need him like he needed her. How could he marry her when she wasn’t in this relationship 100%? Would she bail again when things got tough?
“I’ll be back tomorrow morning. I’m bringing Connor to see my father. I’ll try and see if she’ll see Connor and me then.”
Stella hugged him tightly. “You know you’re not such a bad guy. Just give her some space and time.”
Tom nodded and as he walked away all he could think about was what would happen if Kendra continually wanted space and time. And time ran out…
* * *
Kendra ignored the tears that rolled down her face as Tom left without looking back. She was doing the right thing. All he really wanted was Connor, anyway. He’d not once thought about her until he learned he was Connor’s father. She just couldn’t let herself believe that there was more to his wanting to be in her life, because he’d not been in touch for over four years. He’d not even read her emails.
She didn’t want him around should this turn out to be her cancer returning. She didn’t want him staying around out of some kind of guilt or duty just because they were Connor’s parents. Besides, she couldn’t bear to have him see her sick. He was the only person who’d never treated her like brittle glass. He was the only one who had told her to chase her dreams and not let anyone tell her she couldn’t do it. But that was because he was one of the few people in her life who had not seen her when she’d been fighting cancer. He did not understand what was to come.
He’d not seen her when she couldn’t keep any food down. Or when she lost all her hair. Or when her mouth and hands had blistered so badly, she couldn’t use her hands.
The thought of him seeing her go through that when he might not really love her… He would see her differently, treat her differently, maybe want to leave her—what they shared would be different. If Tom started treating her like Marcus did—well, she couldn’t bear it.
“Wipe those tears, super K, because they are self-inflicted.”
She automatically did as Stella said. Super K had been her nickname when Stella had held her hand the last time she’d faced cancer.
“Why are you pushing the man you love with all your heart, away?” She said nothing, so Stella added, “I know why. You’re scared. You’re scared the cancer is back and you are protecting everyone, including yourself.”
“He doesn’t know what it will be like, but I do. What if it’s too much for him? What if he doesn’t love me enough?” There, it was out. She didn’t trust him to hang around, and if he left when she needed him most—it would kill her. He’d left before and never looked back. Only learning about Connor saw him come knocking on her door.
Stella sat on the end of the bed and sighed. “He loves you.”
She shook her head and wiped away the tears. “Does he? I know he desires me, has fun with me, but Connor is the real reason he’s with me. I’m not sure that’s enough.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not the fifties where men step up and do the right thing. He doesn’t have to be with you to be in Connor’s life.”
“He told me right at the beginning we should marry to make a family for Connor. That had nothing to do with how he felt for me.”
“Keep telling yourself that lie. The man’s in love with you, and you know it. I suspect he always has been, but friendship, Marcus, the racing circuit, and plain fear kept you apart. He only needed Connor to remind him of who and what was important. He didn’t need to marry you, to make a family. Both of you are lying to yourselves if you believe that. He wanted to marry you. I suspect you’ve always been ‘the one’.”
Pain lanced her chest. Stella knew her too well.
“So, come on special K. Don’t shove those who really love you away.”
She burst out crying. “I’m so consumed with the fear of losing him and Connor this time round, that I can’t focus on the fight.”
Stella pulled her into her arms and they sat on the bed rocking each other and crying. Finally, Stella pushed Kendra back. “Look at us two. Crying and we don’t even know if it’s cancer yet.”
Kendra blew her nose on a tissue and suddenly the weight on her shoulder’s seemed less heavy. “You don’t think if I have to fight cancer again that it will chase Tom away then? Do you think he’ll look at me differently?”
“Probably. I did.” Stella rushed on at Kendra’s frown. “You were different after the cancer. You were stronger, more confident, and you grabbed at life. Maybe it was you simply getting older, but I think everything we face in life changes us in some way. Look at Tom coming into your life. I’ve never seen you happier, yet you’ve let Tom guide you and help you. Miss. independent is changing, and that fills me with hope and joy. Life is lonely without the odd helping hand.”
“Kettle—pot—black. When did you ever need a man for anything but pleasure?”
Kendra watched her friend’s face and her smile faded away. “Like I said. It’s lonely sometimes. I envy you Tom.”
They sat in silence until the nurse arrived to check her vitals once again. Once the nurse left, Stella said, “Tom’s bringing Connor this evening to see his father. Please think about seeing them both. Connor won’t notice a thing, you look fine.”
Just then the door opened and the doctors and residents walked in. Dr. Spencer was smiling, so Kendra took that as a good sign.
“Miss. Black, can we chat if you have a moment?”
Kendra looked at Stella who promptly reached for her hand and said, “I’m staying.”
Dr. Spencer merely nodded. “We have run an exhausted set of tests and it’s relatively good news. You have infectious mononucleosis commonly known as mono, ‘the kissing disease’.”
Kendra swallowed hard and squeezed Stella’s hand. “So, no cancer?”
“No. You made the right decision to come in for tests given your history, and the symptoms are similar. Fatigue, fever, nausea. But we cannot find any signs of cancer at all. You just need to go home and get plenty of rest and drink lots of fluids. Your spleen is slightly enlarged so no physical activity, and we’ll check you again in a few weeks.”
She wanted to burst into hysterical laughter or song. The relief dancing through her body could have powered a city. She wasn’t terminal. She didn’t have cancer.
She wanted Tom.
Even though she was bursting with joy, she calmly said to the team of doctors standing in her room, “Thank you. You say it’s infectious. I have a three-year-old boy.”
“What I suggest is you keep your distance, no hugging or kissing. Keep a separate set of cooking and eating utensils and a separate bathroom if that is possible.” She nodded that it was. “You’ll be infectious for about another two weeks but you may feel fatigue for a few months so you must have no stress and rest.”
She’d kissed Tom a few hours ago. Shit. And Tom was with Connor. She better ring him. Taking the coward's way out she asked Stella, “Can you ring Tom and let him know. I kissed him this morning or he kissed me. Either way, we both have to be careful around Connor.”
“You ring him,” and Stella promptly broke down in tears. “I am just so happy. I was so scared.”
Kendra laughed. “You hid it well.”
“One of us had to stay strong and you were falling apart.” Stella pulled out her phone. “Call Tom. I’ll call Marcus and let him know.” She slipped off the bed. “I’ll call from the corridor and give you some privacy. I suspect you’ll need to do some he
avy duty groveling. Do you want me to call your parents?”
“I don’t think they know I’m sick.”
“Marcus rang them.”
“And they didn’t visit me?” Hurt replaced her joy for one brief moment. “It’s their loss. Let Marcus tell them. I don’t care.” But she did. Why couldn’t her parents love her the way she was—faults and all? They really didn’t care about her or Connor. She had a long memory and her parents were slipping out of her life for good.
As the door clicked shut behind Stella, Kendra stared at the phone in hand and didn’t know how she would tell Tom. How did she make a man who feared nothing understand how afraid she’d been? Would he be angry at her? She hadn’t trusted him. He’d been right, she had overreacted, pushing him away because her life suddenly seemed to be spinning out of control and she liked being in control. When she’d been diagnosed with cancer in her teens, she’d lost the ability to control what happened to her. Unless you’d been in a similar situation, you could not understand what that was like.
She pressed his name on her phone as she tried not to chew her lip off while she waited for him to answer. But he didn’t answer and it went to voice mail. Relief escaped on a whoosh of breath. For a second she debated not leaving a message, but he’d want to know.
“Hi, Tom. It’s me—Kendra. The doctors cleared me to go home. I have mono, the kissing disease. So don’t kiss Connor, let Jackie look after him, and if you start to feel unwell… you can blame me. Anyway… Stella is taking me home soon.”
She hung up and tears welled. What she wanted to say was she was sorry. But just because she was well didn’t mean she suddenly trusted him. This whole thing made her realize she still had issues with the past. This was all happening too soon. It wasn’t fair on Tom that she had trust issues. This was her problem and she had to have some space to see if she could get over the fact he only came back into her life because of Connor. Things were moving far too fast and having lost her heart to him once before she was petrified he only wanted her because of Connor. That would never be enough for her.
Reckless Curves: Bad Boy Autos (Drive Me Wild Book 1) Page 18
