by Logan Byrne
“I don’t have any other choice, do I?” I replied.
“Many people have different views on that question. There are some people who never accept it,” she said.
“Well, those people are crazy then. I’m not really up for talking anymore. I don’t meant to be rude,” I said.
“I understand. We’ll call this session over for now. My job isn’t to press you, but to help you. I’ll see you again soon,” she said.
She didn’t come out with me this time, instead leaving me to walk out to my surprised mother, who looked down at her watch.
“Over already?” she asked.
“Yeah, I wasn’t really feeling it today,” I said.
“Feel like going out for dinner?” she asked. “We could stop and get some sandwiches and fries. Does Bob’s sound good?”
“Yeah, that’s fine,” I said as we walked to the car.
Luckily there wasn’t a line at Bob’s as we walked in and got a table. It was a nice little place, a diner more or less, but the food was good and inexpensive, which was good for my mom.
We each ordered the turkey-dinner sandwiches, which had roasted turkey, cranberry sauce, stuffing, field greens, and some other sauce I didn’t know about. It was our go-to meal this time of year.
“How was school?” my mom asked.
“It went well. My teachers were all very accommodating,” I said.
“That’s good. I’m glad to hear it. How are you feeling strength-wise? Is it coming back?” she asked.
“Yeah, the more I eat, the better it gets. I had more food at lunch than I’ve had in a while. There’s no way I can eat this entire dinner tonight, but I’ll try my best,” I said.
“We can take home whatever’s left. I talked to your father today. He said to tell you that he’ll be contacting you soon,” she said.
“You talked to Dad?” I asked.
My father had left not too long after the funeral, maybe a day or two, without saying much in the process. He left the first time without saying much of a good-bye, so I suppose I shouldn’t expect much of one this time.
“It’s not my favorite thing to do, but it’s something that has to be done, considering we have a child together and all,” she said.
“Was it awkward?” I asked.
“I’d rather not talk about that with you,” she said.
“Why not? Everyone can badger me all the time about him and Belle, but I can’t ask a simple question?” I asked.
She sipped her iced tea while looking at me intently.
“I suppose you have a point there. Yes, it was awkward. Like I said, though, when you have a child with somebody and your relationship doesn’t work out, you still have to be civil and talk to each other every now and again to make sure you can parent effectively,” she said.
“He isn’t doing a very good job on that part,” I said.
“I’m not going to talk badly about him to you. I talked to Dr. Grier, and I don’t believe it’s healthy to drag you into it. Besides, you have enough on your plate to worry about,” she said.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, just before the waitress brought out our food.
“It means that you’re gaining back your strength, getting your studying done so you can catch up, and mourning the loss of your best friend and girlfriend. You don’t need to add my drama to the mix,” she said.
“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me,” I said.
“I have to worry about you, Theo. I’m your mother, it’s what I do,” she said before taking a bite of her sandwich.
•••
Cars had lined Belle’s driveway for the past week. I knew it was obviously for support and for Paul and Leah to have an easier time, but I couldn’t help but be reminded of her death whenever I peered out my window.
Her parents had sent a message to my mother about me coming over and how I was always welcome, but I hadn’t taken them up on their offer yet. It felt too fresh to be in her house, around her things, without her there. Maybe someday, but not today.
I texted back and forth with Martin just about anything and everything as the night grew old and the shadows through my window made me sleepier. Was I going to see her tonight, or would I wake up disappointed?
I got ready for bed and decided to try my luck. I turned off the lights, took a deep breath, put my hands on my stomach, and waited for my mind to shut off and for her to visit me. It was only a matter of time, and I was willing to wait.
I woke up, back in the field that I was in earlier today. I smiled, knowing I’d made it, as I looked around for her again.
“Belle!” I shouted, hoping I’d catch her attention.
Hands covered my eyes from behind as I felt a quick burst of butterflies inside.
“Hello, handsome,” she said.
I pulled away from her hands and turned around to see her same old bubbly and happy face staring back at me. I hugged her, as tightly as I could, as I felt every sensation possible. Maybe this wasn’t all just a dream. Maybe this was reality, or a form of it, rather. Maybe me feeling everything showed that this wasn’t all in my head.
“You left me earlier,” she said.
“I woke up,” I said.
“Yeah, that’s the bad part about visiting people in their dreams. They just vanish on you,” she joked.
“You’ve visited others?” I asked.
“Sure, it’s lots of fun seeing everybody again, even if it isn’t in person,” she said.
“Who have you visited?” I asked.
“My parents, my nana, you, and a couple of friends,” she said.
“And do they know it’s you?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. Sometimes I don’t even say hi. I just watch them from afar,” she said.
“Why would you do that?” I asked.
“To think about everything. I don’t want to scare them or make them feel bad either. My parents, for example, went through a lot with everything. The funeral wasn’t easy on them. I liked my dress, though,” she said.
“Wait, you saw that? How would you know that?” I asked in complete confusion.
“The memories of that day, of every day, lie in their subconscious. It’s almost like a computer and I have access to all the files. Plus, it doesn’t hurt when they dream about it,” she said.
There was something different about Belle. She seemed so … cheerful, and that was something I didn’t expect. She was gone, gone from this earth, and instead of being sad, she seemed like her usual self, if not a little more perky.
“Why are you so happy?” I asked.
“Why wouldn’t I be? I always am,” she said.
“Don’t you miss everything? Don’t you miss being alive? Don’t you miss … me?” I asked.
“Of course I miss all that, and I wish that I never would’ve died, but I’ve accepted it, Theo. I’m dead, I’m gone, and I can’t come back to that world, so why dwell on it for the rest of eternity? I know I’ll see those people again, and not just in their dreams,” she said.
“So, you know, does that mean that heaven is for real?” I asked, curious.
“I’m not sure what any of this is, or what the things are that I go to. All I know is that I’m here, and I can see others who have died. Whether that’s heaven, ghosts, spirits, or another dimension, I don’t know. All I know is that I’m here, and I’m happy about it,” she said.
“I’ve been having a hard time without you, Belle,” I said.
“I know you have. I’ve missed you even more, but I’m here now, so why not live for this? We can do anything you want to do, and it’s all real—in a sense, that is,” she said.
“What about Paris?” I asked.
Belle had wanted to go to Paris for as long as I could remember. She even had a phase when we were six where she talked in a French accent and always wanted to play like that when we were together.
“Close your eyes,” she said, smiling.
I opened my eyes again a second later
and was stunned. There it was, the Eiffel Tower, right in front of us, while thousands of people walked all around us. The smells of the city tickled my senses as the cool air whistled against my ear.
“This is amazing,” I said, cars honking in the distance.
“It’s about to get better,” she said.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Before I could finish speaking, she grabbed me and suddenly we soared into the air. My hair flew around in the breeze as I looked down and almost threw up from being so high.
“You’ll be okay. Do you trust me?” she asked.
“More than anything,” I replied.
She flew us up to the top of the tower. We landed softly, and the tourists who were there started to vanish like ghosts.
“Where did they go?” I asked.
“I thought we could use some privacy. It’s our first time, after all,” she said.
I felt freer than I’d ever felt before as the two of us stood up on the tower, holding hands, with the breeze rippling through our hair. How was this even possible? This had to be real. Even here, even with her right now, all I wanted to do was tell somebody. They had to know about all of this.
Paris didn’t seem to last long enough. Belle turned to me and told me a bit of news I wasn’t ready to hear.
“You’re going to wake up soon,” she said.
“But I feel like we’ve barely had any time together,” I said.
“Time in the dream world moves much quicker than time in the physical world. It’s the one downside to this place,” she said.
“Will I see you again?” I asked.
“Do you want to see me again?” she asked.
“Every time I close my eyes,” I replied.
“Then I’ll be here every time,” she said, smiling.
“I love you,” I said.
“And I love you,” she replied, leaning in and giving me a soft kiss on the lips.
Even in here I got the same feeling I got when she used to kiss me before. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced, and something I’d never experience again. As our lips pulled apart, everything slowly began to vanish. When I opened my eyes, I was once again in my room. I felt a bit disappointed but also excited, and I grabbed my phone and texted Martin that I had something crazy and amazing to tell him.
I set my phone down, sat on the edge of my bed, and wiped my eyes. I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. I didn’t lose her, at least not fully, and as long as she was there, I’d be okay. I didn’t know how other people would take it, and I didn’t plan on telling too many people, but I knew I could count on Martin. Whether or not he’d believe me was another story, but I knew that he’d be there for me and support me through anything.
Now all I had to do was count the hours until I could close my eyes again. Only sixteen more.
Chapter Fourteen
“I have something to tell you, but you’re going to think I’m crazy,” I said to Martin as we sat in his car after school.
“You’ve said a lot of things to me in the past I’ve thought were crazy. It won’t be too much of a surprise,” he said.
“Belle is visiting me in my dreams,” I said.
“I stand corrected,” he replied.
“I know it sounds weird—crazy, even—but it’s true. Every time I close my eyes, she’s there, and it’s more than just a dream,” I said.
“How is it more than a dream? Isn’t it a dream?” he asked.
“Yes, but it’s not the same. Whenever I dreamed before, I couldn’t feel anything. I might experience certain things, but I couldn’t feel pain or people touching me or even the wind blowing through my hair. When she visits me, though, I feel everything. It’s the exact same as real life,” I said.
“But that seems—”
“Impossible, I know,” I said, interrupting him.
“Have you told anybody else about this?” he asked.
“Nope, just you. I don’t know how to feel about all of this, and I definitely am not up to telling any more people. My mom already has me in therapy, and I’m not looking to increase my sentence there,” I said.
“I’m just concerned, you know. You’re like a brother to me, and Belle’s death was very sudden and very impactful on you. I’m just afraid that you’re dreaming about her and misinterpreting it as reality,” he said.
“That’s what I thought at first too. I thought it was just a dream, but like I said, I’ve never felt these things in dreams. I used to have random dreams about her a long time ago, and they’d never result in the things that happen now. It’s like she’s really out there somewhere, as a spirit, a ghost, an angel—whatever—and she’s talking to me. She even said she does it with other people as well,” I said.
“Have you talked to them about it? To make sure?” he asked.
“Well, no, I haven’t,” I replied.
“Then how do you know that’s not your own imagination? Now if she told you she said or did specific things to those people, and you talked to them and they told you the same thing, then you’d have something,” he said.
“What if she does something to you?” I asked, perking up.
“To me?” he asked in a confused voice.
“Yeah, to you, tonight. I could ask her to do something to you, she’ll tell me, and then I’ll tell you. If I get it correct, would you believe me?” I asked.
Martin sat deep in thought for a minute as I stared at him with puppy-dog eyes and hoped he’d say yes. What other proof could he need that I was telling the truth? Not only that, but it would definitively confirm to me that I wasn’t just making all of this up.
“Okay, I’m in. If you come back to me tomorrow and tell me exactly what happened, I’ll believe you and you’ll have something,” he said.
“I’ll tell her tonight and we’ll do something. I can’t wait,” I said.
“Just don’t get too excited. I don’t want you to be devastated if you tell me something tomorrow and nothing ever happened. It’s still a possibility, you know,” he said.
“I know it is. I have a lot to lose if our things don’t match up,” I said.
“Like what?” he asked.
“If it doesn’t match up, then I lose her forever. Everything I thought was real isn’t, and she’s really gone. If it’s real, though, then that means that she’s really there and that I still have her at least in some form,” I said.
“I’m pulling for you, Theo. I really am,” he said, starting the car back up.
•••
I sat at the dinner table later that night with my mom, and the clinking sounds of our forks against the plates were the only thing filling up the room. She looked at the stack of bills and mail that had piled up, and I watched her as she did so. I wasn’t allowed to have my phone at the table, so it wasn’t like I had much else to do.
“How have you been feeling?” she asked, breaking the silence.
“About what?” I asked.
“Just everything in general, I suppose,” she replied.
“As good as I can feel, I guess. I’ve been getting my strength back,” I said.
“Don’t tell the school just yet,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“So you can get out of gym for another few days,” she said, smiling.
“I’ll be sure to remember that,” I said, smiling back.
“Paul and Leah contacted me today,” she said.
“Oh?” I asked.
“They’re thinking of having a sort of memorial for Belle and the other kids. A fund-raising box will go around to raise awareness and money for a anti-teen-drinking charity,” she said.
“Isn’t that a little soon?” I asked.
“I guess so, but they want to do it while everybody is still thinking about the accident. They asked us to come, but I told them I wasn’t sure if you’d be up for it,” she said.
“When is it?” I asked.
“Next weekend at the school. They’re even trying to
round up items for a charity auction,” she said.
“I’m not sure if I can go, but if I can, I don’t know how long I’ll want to stay,” I said.
“You can be in charge of that. We can leave whenever you’re ready,” she said.
“Thank you,” I said, before cleaning off my plate.
“Remember to put your towel in the basket after your shower tonight. I want to do a load of towels,” she said.
“Will do,” I said as I ran upstairs and into the bathroom.
I took a shower most nights now, more as a way to relax than anything. After the accident, I needed as much relaxation as I could get, and standing with a stream of warm water cascading down my back helped. I knew I still had a couple of hours until bed, maybe two at most, though I wasn’t even sure I could fall asleep right away.
It’s funny how that works. I might not be able to fall right asleep even though I knew that when I did, I’d see Belle. I guess I was just too excited to actually fall asleep.
I shampooed my hair, and the suds ran down my body. The overhead fan buzzed as the mineral-laden water spewed from the showerhead and brought with it a calcified smell that I’d grown used to.
I closed my eyes and saw glimpses of Belle. My mind drifted to that night, the winter formal, and I saw her smiling face as I said good-bye. Why did I let her go? I never should’ve let her go. I wanted her to come with me to watch a movie and cuddle, but she wanted to go there, to that party, with people she probably barely even knew.
I should’ve gone with her. No, if I did that, I’d be dead as well. Maybe that would’ve been best, though. That way I wouldn’t have to live my life without her. I couldn’t think like that, though. I didn’t want to die, even if my heart was already shattered in a million pieces.
My tears melded with the water as I hung my head and began to cry. I sat down in the tub, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them as the water fell onto the top of my head before falling down the rest of my body. I could feel my skin becoming cooler as the traveling water got significantly colder as it fell from above.
“Stop this,” I whispered to myself. “You need to get up.”
I uncrossed my arms and legs and pushed myself back up, standing again as my skin started to warm up from the water. I needed to stay strong—it was what Belle would’ve wanted. Besides, she wasn’t totally gone, and at least I had that. I knew it wasn’t ideal, not in the least bit, but she was there. I just needed to sleep.
