by Logan Byrne
Kelly was a girl in my grade who I’d known since about the fifth grade when she moved to our town. She was a cute girl, though not Belle beautiful, and had shoulder-length red hair, a few little freckles, and a great smile. I never even had any inkling that she was interested in me, so I was about as shocked as I could be when I opened it.
“Well, what does it say?” Martin asked.
Theo,
I know this is a long shot, and that you’ve probably had like a dozen girls ask so far, but if you haven’t, and you’re interested, I’d really love to go to prom with you. I know the guy usually asks, but I thought I’d ask before you were accounted for. Please let me know.
Kelly.
Her phone number was written below her name.
“Man, that’s awesome. Kelly is hot, and she’s really cool,” Martin said.
“Yeah,” I said, before unlocking my locker and putting my stuff inside.
“You don’t seem that excited,” he said.
“I’m not sure what to feel right now,” I said.
“Listen, I know you’re still hung up on Belle, but she told you to move on and find someone else. You have a girl asking you to prom, and you might pass it up? Just go with her and have a great night,” he said.
“What if I don’t like her like that? I don’t want to lead her on,” I said.
“You aren’t getting married to the girl! You’re just going to prom. Don’t make it a date per se, and instead just have a great time. Besides, you know Belle would tell you to go,” he said.
He wasn’t wrong in that assessment. Belle would like Kelly, and I knew that she’d be a good date. I wasn’t even planning to go to prom, but I guess this was how I could get Belle off my case about moving on.
I pulled out my phone, opened a new text thread, and told Kelly that I’d be more than happy to take her to prom. She replied with a few very happy emojis, told me she was beyond excited and that she’d let me know the color of her dress within a few days. I guess I got the joys of color matching again. Woo.
“Well, it looks like you’re accounted for. Now I just need to find a date,” Martin said.
“Why not take Kara? You know she’d go with you,” I said.
“That girl scares the living daylights out of me, man,” he said with a blank stare, as if I’d initiated war flashbacks.
“Not like you have girls putting notes on your locker,” I said as I closed mine.
“Hey, don’t be like that. We can’t all be chick magnets. Some of us have to be the guys that push them toward you,” he said.
Laughing, we walked down the hallway and went to homeroom. I didn’t have any classes with Kelly, so I luckily wouldn’t have any awkward stares or talks. I took my time in homeroom to study for a business test that I had later that day. We were getting closer and closer to final exams, and if I were to pass enough to get through my senior year and high school as a whole, I’d need to study my butt into an early grave.
As the day went on, I couldn’t help but wonder what my talk with Belle was going to be like tonight. I guess I didn’t have to tell her what happened, but I had a feeling she’d find out anyway. I was pretty sure she could read my mind or something when I was dreaming. She seemed to know a lot. I knew she’d chalk that up to women’s intuition, but I was pretty sure it had to do with her new psychic-like powers in the dream world.
As I stood outside my locker later at the end of the day, grabbing my things, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Kelly standing there, smiling, with her hands clasped in front of her.
“Hi, Theo,” she said with a bright smile.
“Hi, Kelly, how are you?” I asked.
“I’m doing very well. I just wanted to say hi, especially since we’re prom dates now,” she said.
“Yeah, thank you for asking me. I was beginning to think I wouldn’t get to go this year,” I said, neglecting to mention that I really didn’t want to go in the first place.
“I’m surprised more girls hadn’t asked you,” she said.
“Eh, I don’t think I’m most people’s type,” I said jokingly.
“That’s too bad. They’re really missing out,” she said, and her cheeks turned a very faint shade of pink.
“Thank you. I really am excited to go with you, though. I think we’re going to have a great time,” I said.
“Yeah, I think so too,” she said.
I didn’t know what else to say as we both stood there. Admittedly, I hadn’t had a ton of interaction with girls, especially girls who were interested in me. Belle was the only one who ever really was, so it was hard for me to know what to say.
“Well, I better get going so I can catch my bus. Don’t want to have to walk home,” I said with a chuckle.
“Okay, I’ll let you get going. If you ever feel like talking, you have my number now. Don’t be a stranger,” she said.
She walked away, and I slung my backpack around my shoulders before hurrying to make my bus. She was a nice girl, she really was, and while I was happy to accompany her to prom, I just hoped that she wasn’t expecting anything from it. I didn’t want her to think that we were all of a sudden going to start dating or hanging out a ton or whatever. That kind of stuff was still hard for me.
On the bus, I looked out the window and wondered what came next.
I just hoped Belle meant it when she told me to do this.
•••
“So, Theo, what has been happening in your life since our last visit?” Dr. Grier asked as I sat on her sofa and crossed my feet.
“I have a date to prom now. A girl asked me today,” I said.
“That’s wonderful news! What’s her name?” she asked.
“Her name is Kelly. I’ve known her since the fifth grade, or at least known of her,” I said.
“I’m very happy to see that you’re accepting and moving on with your life and meeting new people. Sometimes that’s the best form of therapy,” she said.
“I’m still unsure about the entire thing, though,” I said.
“What’s there to be unsure about?” she asked.
“She’s nice and all, but—”
“But she’s not Belle,” Dr. Grier said.
“Yeah,” I replied.
“I know that you know this, but Belle is gone, Theo. I know it might feel like she’s always with you, but you cannot hold your life back and miss out on opportunities mourning for something that will never be. Do you understand?” she asked.
Dr. Grier had a way of sometimes demeaning me while trying to comfort me at the same time. I didn’t know how she did it, but she did, and I couldn’t stand it. Still, I never challenged her and instead just nodded like a good little boy. I wished I could tell her about Belle, but I knew she’d never believe me. She’d probably try to lock me up in the adolescent psych ward or something.
“It’s just difficult, is all,” I said.
“Maybe you should express these feelings to Kelly,” she said.
“Why would I do that?” I asked.
“Because she’s somebody who obviously has some kind of interest in you. Maybe she thinks things are going in a direction that you don’t see them going. If you talk and work things out, disappointment can be avoided and you both can come out of this with a mutually happy disposition,” she said.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll try that,” I said, just hoping we could change the subject.
We moved on and talked about school, my mother, and surprisingly, not my father, whom she hadn’t brought up in quite some time. Maybe she just took pity on me because of Belle, but I was glad we’d left that subject behind. I could only wait until I was eighteen to get out of here altogether. I didn’t think my mom could force me to go to Dr. Grier when that birthday happened, and it would happen soon.
Our hour came and went, and I went outside to wait for my mom, who had gone to run a couple of errands. I was outside for maybe five minutes before she pulled up.
“How was your session?” s
he asked.
“It went well,” I said, hiding my displeasure about even having to go.
“That’s good. I was able to get everything done while you were in there. Talk about efficiency!” she said with a laugh.
I smiled and nodded before pulling out my phone and seeing an empty messages app. I never really got that many texts anymore, and I had to admit it was somewhat depressing.
I thought about texting Kelly to pass the time on our drive home, but decided against it while I figured out what we were even going to be. I suppose I wouldn’t know until I talked to Belle later, so I should probably just hold off on saying anything. I didn’t need to make things even more awkward for myself than they already were.
•••
“So, I kind of have something to tell you,” I said to Belle as we sat on the swing set later that night.
We found ourselves back between our yards like we had the night before. To me it was a sort of safe haven in this dream world. Sure, I couldn’t be hurt here, at least according to Belle, but you don’t always have to be able to get hurt to feel unsafe. This area, even in the dream world, had so much meaning and history. Some of our greatest conversations happened over the years in this spot, and I hoped that many more would as well.
“What’s that?” she asked.
“I got asked to prom,” I said.
“Really? That’s great! Who asked you?” she asked.
“Kelly Hughes,” I said.
“I didn’t know her all that well, but she seemed like a sweetheart. I think you’ll have a great time,” she said.
I had to admit that I was a little bummed Belle was acting so cool about this. Why wasn’t she a little more apprehensive? I had hoped she would change her mind—to say she’d only told me I should move on as a way to see how much I cared. Maybe I really was dreaming with that idea.
“You’re not mad at all? Or jealous?” I asked.
“No, I’m fine with it. Sure, I wish I could be there and go with you, but that’s not an option, and we can’t act like it is,” she said.
“It could’ve been,” I said, under my breath.
“What?” she asked.
“Nothing,” I replied.
I did this nervous thing, even in the dream world, where I’d begin to salivate a lot when I was nervous about something. This was one of those times.
“I want to know, Theo. Don’t make me read your thoughts. Just tell me,” she said.
“That night. The night you died. If you would have listened to me, we’d be going together. We’d be going to a lot of things together,” I said as I felt a weight being lifted off my chest.
“I know I made a bad decision, but it’s not the end of the world,” she said.
“It’s the end of my world,” I blurted out, without thinking.
There was a sudden and awkward silence as I felt myself calm down a little, all the while regretting what I said. Why was I so stupid? Even in here I couldn’t control myself around her. I never wanted to make her feel bad about what happened. Sure, her decision affected me and so many others around her, but it wasn’t like it could be undone.
“I’m sorry, Theo. I know I made a bad choice, and that it affected people, but it’s a choice that I made and that’s the end of it. Maybe I should’ve listened to you and just gone home with you, and maybe if I’d done that we wouldn’t be here right now, talking about all this. Maybe we’d be falling asleep cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Maybe we’d be out on a date or who knows what else. There are a lot of maybes, though, and no matter how hard you wish, they’ll never become true,” she said.
“Please, let’s just stop talking about this. We were having a good time together until I opened my mouth,” I said.
“Maybe I just need to think about things,” she said.
“About what?” I asked.
“About this. About us,” she said.
“We aren’t anything,” I said.
“Maybe we should take that a step further,” she said, with her head down.
Her tears looked like crystals as they fell down her cheeks and onto the ground. It started to rain, likely brought on by the mood, as we sat on the swings. Water was falling down and around us, but neither of us was willing to budge.
“What does that mean?” I asked, unsure if I wanted to hear the answer.
“Maybe we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I feel like it’s a hindrance,” she said.
“Hindrance? Who is it hindering?” I asked.
“You,” she said, as she looked me dead in the eye.
“I’ve been nothing but happy—ecstatic, really—since I found you in here,” I said.
“And you’ve also been unwilling to really move on and forget about me,” she said.
“Belle, I can never forget about you,” I said in a panicked tone.
“I don’t mean literally, Theo. I mean forget about what we had together. To see that you can get that somewhere else, with someone else, and be totally happy. I can see your thoughts, Theo. I know you think that you can live your life alone, only seeing me in your dreams, and that we can magically somehow be together. That can’t happen,” she said.
“Sure it can,” I said softly, feeling nervous.
“Sure, it could happen, but I can’t let it. I won’t let it. There’s so much good you can do in your life, and you can’t achieve that good if all you’re doing is counting the minutes until you come see me again,” she said.
“Please don’t do this. I’ll change, I swear!” I said.
“No, you won’t. It’s not a bad thing, I promise. I appreciate your love and I value your desire to be with me, but I need to let you go,” she said.
“So this is it?” I asked.
“Not yet. You’re about to wake up, Theo. I’ll see you tomorrow night, so that we can have one last memory together, but then I’m afraid I must go,” she said.
She drifted backward as I watched her dissipate into the air and the swing set we grew up vanish beneath me. I was rushed back into my bed. My eyes opened, and I wiped the crusted boogers off them and put my palms on my forehead. I wanted to cry—weep, actually—but nothing would come out. It was as if my tear ducts had dried up from the amount I’d shed for her already.
I couldn’t believe she was going to leave.
Chapter Nineteen
There was almost what I’d call a solemn aura around me as I walked into school the next day, not that anybody would notice. I felt a sense of panic inside, but I didn’t quite display it on the outside. I displayed more of a sense of not caring that I couldn’t say I’d ever felt before. My world was about to end, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
“I tried texting you this morning,” Martin said as he came up beside me at my locker.
“Sorry,” I said.
“I could’ve given you a lift, you know,” he said.
“I didn’t see it,” I said.
“Dude, what’s wrong with you? You look horrible,” he said.
“It’s Belle. She’s leaving me tonight,” I said.
“What do you mean?” he asked with a curious tone.
“She thinks she’s holding me back from living life. She said she’s going to leave, and I’ll basically never see her again. She wants me to move on and experience life, even if it hurts both the both of us, and there’s nothing I can do,” I said.
“When did she say she’s doing all of this?” he asked.
“Tonight. She said we’d go on one last adventure or something so that we had a good final memory together, but that’ll be it,” I said.
The warning bell rang, and I shrugged before turning around to walk toward class. Martin walked with me, and I could tell he was scratching his head to come up with a solution.
“I got it! If you don’t go to sleep, she can’t do it,” he said.
“That won’t work. I have to sleep eventually,” I said.
“You could always hide from her!” he said.
&nb
sp; “She can find me anywhere. She’s found me when I didn’t even know I was looking for her,” I said.
“What if you—”
“There’s no point,” I said as I stood outside my class. “It’s over, Martin. She’s leaving me, and I just need to accept it, I guess. I’ll never get over her, not completely, anyway, but I can’t get her to stay and I can’t rip my hair out over it.”
I saw Martin look a bit disappointed before I turned around and walked to my desk. Why did I have to even bring up her death and how she could’ve prevented all this? It all started with that comment. My one stupid comment ended what was possibly the greatest friendship and relationship I’d ever experience in my life. Now I’d have to go back to dreaming about scarecrows chasing me and failing my math test.
It’s strange how life can change in a literal instant based on one bad decision. One minute you could be happy and living life, unsure of what the future will bring but being optimistic about it, and the next minute you’re wallowing in your own misery and self-pity as you wonder how you got yourself into this hole in the first place. This was true about my situation, and even about Belle’s death. One bad decision changed things for both of us, and each decision affected the other person tremendously.
Not only that, but it was almost as if I was reliving her death for a second time. The last bit of her I had inside me was withering away, like a rose crushed between the pages of hardcover book. It was drying up, soon to be a relic of its once living, beautiful self. I wasn’t lucky enough to just be talking about a rose, though.
I went through the rest of my day trying to come up with ways to stop this or to convince her otherwise. The problem with Belle was that she was stubborn, especially when she really had her heart set on something or felt that whatever she was working toward was for the best. I think I knew that deep down there was no changing her mind, and that was what made me dread closing my eyes even more.
I didn’t see Kelly the rest of the day, thankfully, as I wasn’t in a state of mind to talk to her without royally screwing everything up. Martin gave me a lift home, probably out of pity, but I appreciated it nonetheless. I was lucky to have such a kind and supportive friend. Everybody deserves a friend like that.
