by PamelaDuMond
“Oh, fuck off,” Annie said and squeezed out the doorway.
Family Values Fun-Pack
Description: Organic Croissantlettes. Sweet batter baked into a light as air crust filled with dark yummy chocolate.
Appropriate Occasions: Parties that launch a new line of organic and eco-friendly goods. Putting oddly shaped puzzle pieces together. Going the extra mile for your marriage.
Best Served With: Re-useable organic cotton and naturally dyed grocery sacks. An unexpected opportunity for revenge. Discovering one’s truth, and finding the courage to speak it.
TWENTY ONE
Killer Devil’s Food Cupcakes
It was daylight in Annie’s apartment. She lay on her couch, eased Teddy off her head and placed him on the floor. She’d survived her first official night of being single, again. Jeez, was she turning into Liz Taylor? But how to get rid of Derrick, who now leaned his face and entire front of his body against the outside of her living room window, and in a pathetic gesture, cried, ground his hips against her window and knocked?
“Let me in. I’m sorry. Please, let me in,” he whined and drooled a little.
“No. Bad ghosts who slept with one’s soon-to-be-ex-husband stay outside. Go away.”
She grabbed Detective Raphael’s card from her kitchen counter, picked up her phone and dialed. And he picked up.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey,” he said.
“You said I could call you if I need to talk.”
“I’ll be over in forty-five.”
Annie and Rafe walked past scores of sail and motorboats anchored in the slips in Marina Del Rey, California. Blue skies shone over ocean water that lapped against the boats anchored to the docks. They watched the seagulls compete with each other for the occasional tossed hot dog bun or a sliver of a fish in the marina waters. It was a stunningly beautiful beach afternoon.
Detective Rafe looked at Annie in her long black skirt and a yoga top with a Packers sweatshirt draped over her shoulders. “Why do I suddenly have this overwhelming desire to play football?” He asked.
Annie smiled. “Did you read the new will?” She asked.
“Offered by Lewis Schuchiani and duly taken into evidence,” Rafe said.
“I keep thinking it had to be Tawny who killed Derrick, but there’s this part of me that feels it’s someone else.”
Rafe stopped walking and regarded her. “Besides being deleted from the suspect list, why do you care?”
Annie watched Derrick chasing the seagulls. He sprinted towards them and flapped his arms. They ran in front of him. “Take me with you,” he yelled. “I want to fly, freebird,” he sang. When he burst into the guitar riff on the Skynard song the birds freaked and flew off, cawing.
“I can’t tell you that, yet,” Annie said and smiled.
“When can you tell me?”
“Did you, read the new will?”
“Yesterday. Your forty-eight hours are almost up, Duchess Stoneycliff.”
“I have no idea who you’re talking about,” Annie said.
They both smiled.
“I’m getting divorced, you know. For real this time.”
“Detective Pardue will have to drop his pants at the dry cleaner after he hears the news.”
Annie slugged Rafe on his arm and giggled.
Hours later, it was time for the pre-game coverage interview/showdown with Tawny Fuller, Derrick’s ‘grieving spouse’, also Annie’s primo suspect in Derrick Fuller’s murder.
Annie showed up at Inhale Spa at 5:00 p.m. The spa had soft lighting, a large trickling fountain, and lots of zen touches: Buddha statues, Feng-Shui books, Asian symbols on clothing made with bark and silk. It featured a cozy retail section filled with cool pricey yoga clothes, funky expensive jewelry, meditation CDs, DVDs, and natural skin products. Annie was tempted to explore the spa’s retail nirvana, but knew it was more important to pace herself. She needed time to relax, and mentally practice her deceptive, but honesty-provoking interrogation techniques.
Because she wanted Tawny Fuller to confess to Derrick’s murder. After all, who else could it be? Who else could have blackmailed Lewis Schuchiani into hiding Derrick’s new will? Who else stood to benefit from killing Franco, Derrick’s only son, his flesh and blood? Thank God, Franco was out of the hospital and recuperating in his politically connected mother’s compound. Whoever attempted to kill the hot blondie would now have to get through twenty-five bodyguards and his insanely angry powerful mother in order to try again. Wasn’t going to happen.
Conveniently, Tawny had an alibi for the time that Franco was attacked. She recorded a set of inspirational, upbeat I Promise You sermons for her new congregation at a small studio. A video leaked to YouTube showed Tawny delivering her first sermon, topless. The fun was interrupted when Madison ran into the booth, and threw a blanket on top of her. He lectured Tawny that she might be taken more seriously if she wore robes. She countered that the DVD sermons would sell more if she showed her boobies. Obviously, both parties had valid points.
Four young beautiful waifish greeters manned the spa’s front desk decorated with delicate orchids when Annie checked in. The thinnest girl greeter dressed in something that looked recyclable actually looked at her. “Can I help you?” Thinnest asked in a volume that hovered a decibel over a whisper.
Annie leaned over the counter towards Thinnest in an attempt to be helpful. The poor thing was probably missing a vocal cord. “Hello. My name is… Crystal Light. I’m a reporter for Towering Cathedral Publications and I’m here to meet the Reverend Tawny Fuller at 6:30 p.m. I arrived a little early.”
“Oh yes. Let me check that, Ms. Light,” Thinnest said, punched some buttons on a computer, and pulled up a calendar with notations. “It says here, Ms. Light, you are a special guest of Reverend Fuller and are to receive a pass to the spa’s healing waters.”
Annie’s eyes glazed over. “Oh. My. God.” She had been good, kind and helped Derrick. Been to hell and back with Mike. Her shoulder and neck muscles had turned to concrete when she discovered she was in peri-menopause, thought her husband was a cheat, filed for separation, moved, lost her business, was framed for a murder, haunted by a dick, and yes, eventually realized her husband really was a no-good cheat. Her blood pressure had spiked. Scabs from the swan and duck incident still peppered her legs. A deep ache throbbed in her ankle that had been sprained. Her boobs had been squashed, her heart broken, her ovaries laughed at, and she probably had Giardia and parasites from the Shrine’s pond water.
But now, God, a Higher Power, the Buddha, Ganesh, Archangel Michael, Moses, or someone else up in heaven had smiled down upon her and finally cut her a break.
“That’s lovely,” Annie said to Thinnest. “Where do we start?”
“I’ll give you the tour,” Thinnest said. She walked out from behind the front counter.
Ten feet from the counter stood a solid woman with a beckoning smile, warm inviting eyes, dressed in a long white lab coat. She set her sights on Annie. “Yo, girl. Can you even see over those eye circles?”
Annie turned. Saw a portable reclining facial chair close to the retail section of the spa’s lobby. Next to the chair was a tray filled with every kind of cream and elixir imaginable. This beautiful older African-American woman gestured at her, friendly. “Special free mini-facials today, at Inhale Spa.”
Annie stood, frozen. She heard, “free mini-facials…free mini-facials…free mini-facials…” It was mesmerizing. Perhaps addictive. Step aside, Kettle-Chips.
“Good lord, honey, you look to be under heaps of stress. We’re promoting a new line of the most amazing facial products you’ll ever find, called STARZ. You come here first, let Ms. Caroline work on you, and visit those healing waters, after.”
Annie looked at Thinnest. “What do you think?”
Thinnest gave her the once-over. “You gotta do something for those eye circles. I’m off now. Someone could give you the tour later. But, it’s pretty self-explan
atory and you can figure it out, yourself.”
Ms. Caroline took a liking to Annie. Instead of a mere twenty-minute mini-facial, an hour later Annie still lay on her back, on the portable facial table. A long strip of cotton ran over her forehead and protected her hair from the STARZ moisturizing mask on her face, neck and upper chest. Cucumber slices covered her eyelids, and a magic tangerine colored elixir potion saturated her under eye circles. Annie spilled her guts to Ms. Caroline about her travails, and in return Caroline shared a few of her own.
“When I went through my first divorce, I thought I was gonna die,” Caroline said. “Herbert took everything. I went on welfare.” She washed off the moisturizing mask from Annie’s face with a little sponge that she dipped in a tray of STARZ’ Vitamin water, repetitively. “My second divorce was from Icy Riot.”
“No way!” Annie said. “You were married to that rapper dude with the crazy bling?”
“Five long tortuous years. I negotiated for Riot to put me through cosmetology school. I am now a licensed and professional cosmetologist.”
“You rock!”
The Observer entered the Spa and recognized Annie despite the salad on her face. Also identified Tawny, who walked out of the entrance/exit from the women’s side of the spa.
Tawny wore a scarf over her head and huge black sunglasses. The miniscule part of her face still visible was bright red, like carpaccio. She leaned over the front desk, and a male waif clerk leaned forward to help her. “Reverend Sunshine Fuller?”
Tawny whispered through puffy lips. “I did a little more than I planned. Did the reporter show?”
The Male Waif pointed at Annie reclined in the facial chair with the cucumbers on her eyelids.
Tawny glanced and nodded. “Tell her I had to leave early and attend to my flock. We’ll reschedule for a few days,” Tawny said. “Put a little twenty dollar giftie for her, on my account. Because I still want the magazine piece. I mean, world peace. Peace for the children of the world, all over this land.”
“Yes, Reverend Fuller. I’ll handle it.”
“Blessings!” Tawny turned and scurried out Inhale Spa’s front door.
The Observer thought that after all this time, things were finally falling into place. She walked to the front desk, signed in and strolled through the open doorway next to the “Women Only” sign.
Ms. Caroline wiped off the tangerine goo from under Annie’s eyes. Handed her a mirror. Annie looked at her reflection and almost fell off the chair. No dark eye circles, no puffiness. She looked ten years younger. “You’re a miracle worker. Thank you! How can I repay you? What is this stuff?”
“It’s STARZ new, completely cruelty-free harvested Caviar Eye Gel. The fish are lightly sedated and their eggs are gently removed. They live long productive lives and have many more eggs later.”
“If only I were so lucky,” Annie said.
“The caviar is then mixed with trace elements, amino acids and mineral in a completely natural top-secret formula. There’s nothing remotely like it on the market.”
Annie smiled. “That’s amazing. Sold! I must have it.”
Ms. Caroline handed her a business card. “It’s $300 for a three month supply.”
Annie frowned. “That’s, that’s…” That’s way out of her price range. Annie couldn’t afford that for soft-boiled eggs for breakfast, eggs benedict at lunch, or an omelette for dinner. It was bittersweet, because when she gazed in that mirror, she looked like her old self, before all the stress.
The Male Waif walked up to her with a big fat smile on his scrawny pasty face. Since when were cool trendy spa employees allowed to smile? She surmised his smile was false – something had gone wrong with her Tawny interrogation. She eyed Ms. Caroline, who got it. Annie braced for the bad news.
“Oh, you look fabulous!” the Male Waif said to Annie.
“Cut the crap. What’s wrong?”
“A member of Reverend Fuller’s congregation called her away. She needs to reschedule,” the Male Waif said.
“She wants to reschedule?” Ms. Caroline said. “Ms. Annie is – ”
“Ms. Crystal Light from Towering Cathedral Magazine,” Annie said.
“Ms. Crystal Light is a hot young journalist, and no one wastes her time!” Ms. Caroline said. “Honey, don’t you have a relative of Reverend Graham lined up for your magazine cover? Or was that Doctor Schuller’s cousin?”
Annie broke into a sweat. She was so close to figuring out this mystery; this show could not be over. She had to nail the killer, who had to be Tawny. Because she could not spend one more day, one more hour, one extra second with Derrick or she’d pull out all her hair and tattoo 666 on her scalp.
Of course then, he materialized. She saw his three quartered naked behind in his silver thong as he rifled through the New Arrivals section in the Yoga Wear area.
“You look good, Cupcake. I think we’re close to discovering who killed me. In fact, I hear the voice of my mother calling to me from the other side. She’s saying, ‘Derrick. Derrick. Only in the privacy of your own room, not in the middle of a grocery store, I beg you.’ I think that’s a common phenomena right before people pass over.”
The Male Waif played his ace. “Reverend Fuller wanted to assure Ms. Light that her time is valuable. She instructed me to give Ms. Light a spa gift to show her good faith.”
Derrick eyed Annie. “The eye cream,” he said and walked to her side.
Ms. Caroline declared, “She wants STARZ’s new completely cruelty-free harvested Caviar Eye Gel.”
The Male Waif blinked. “That item’s sold out. Sorry.”
Ms. Caroline pointed to boxes of the STARZ Eye Gel lined up on the product counter. “What are these?”
Derrick said, “The eye cream or no magazine cover.” He swiveled his hips, eyed the Male Waif and licked his lips.
The Male Waif regarded Annie. His eyes narrowed and he countered, “A paraben free wax hand treatment.”
Annie looked at Derrick. He winked at her. She stared down Male Waif and said, “The STARZ’s new completely cruelty-free harvested Caviar Eye Gel.”
“A paraben free wax hand treatment and a naturally lemon scented potpourri for your car.”
“The Eye Gel,” Annie said, stood up, put her hands on her hips and swiveled them.
“A paraben free wax hand treatment, a naturally lemon scented potpourri, and…” the Male Waif paused for a second. “The organic Bee-Beautiful lip balm.”
“Lip balm?” Derrick exclaimed. “Does this guy think you’re some bimbo beach bunny who forgot her sunscreen as well as her brain? God, I miss those girls.”
“The Eye Gel,” Annie replied. “Or no magazine cover for the Reverend Fuller. Do you really want to lose a celebrity client who not only spends big bucks, but drops your name when she’s interviewed by In-Style Magazine?”
Derrick and Ms. Caroline applauded.
Male Waif eyed Annie, Caroline and blinked. “Yes. The STARZ Caviar Eye Gel it is. You can pick it up after your visit to our Healing Waters, or…”
“Oh, I’ll pick it up right now,” Annie said.
“That’s perfect, Ms. Light. You should know that Inhale Spa closes early tonight for a special event. I don’t believe you’re on the guest list.” The Male Waif smiled, smug.
“Whatever, Bucko.”
The healing waters section at the Inhale Spa was perfect. Annie snuggled into her cuddly long extra thread count robe. Pulled the sash tight. She was in the locker room, a tiny meticulous area with floor-to-ceiling lockers. Unlike high school gym class, where everything smelled like B.O., this place smelled like eucalyptus. She patted her purse in the locker. It appeared swollen ’cause it was stuffed with samples of STARZ products that Ms. Caroline had given her, as well as the eye gel. Around her, a few women pulled their clothes on or off, as they prepared to leave or relax. Annie closed the locker’s door, set the secret code on the lock and spun it shut.
Since Tawny cancelled, Annie wouldn’t be late.
Since the spa was closing early, she also couldn’t dally. She walked from the impeccable changing area past chairs occupied by several women who sat in front of the countertops filled with jars of Q-tips, cotton balls, sterilized hairbrushes, and body lotions. They applied their makeup, and styled their hair. Maybe they were going to the special event tonight.
New Age music played through invisible speakers in the pristine bathroom area where the sinks and floors and showers were covered in Italian granite. Scales lined up next to the sinks. No way in hell she was going to step on a scale. She walked past the steam and sauna rooms and stared at the pools.
Oh God, they were beautiful. The pool on the left was long, thin, like a lap pool. It had crystal clear rushing water for resistance and calorie burning. According to signs posted on the walls over them, the two smaller pools on the right were: 1. A Dead Sea salt mineral infused hot tub designed to relax every tight muscle in one’s body, and 2. A cold Icelandic water dipping pool. Between the pools were baskets of apples, oranges and organic trail mix samples. A stand on the adjacent wall featured herbal teas and filtered drinking water. Holy guacamole, maybe she should get divorced and haunted more frequently.
Derrick followed Annie. “I was thinking since Tawny cancelled, that perhaps we could…”
“No,” Annie said. “I tried to interview Tawny. She split. I am relaxing. I have lovely eyes and am one with the universe. While I appreciate your negotiation skills, I will talk to you, later.”
She walked away from him. Where to start? She’d open her pores first in the eucalyptus steam room. Relax in the hot tub, maybe find the best jets, (boy, was she overdue in that department,) and take a dip in the cold pool. She’d check out the trail mix before she headed home and called Brother Madison again, to reschedule with Tawny. Annie pushed open the heavy door to the steam room, and headed inside.
